24. Raven
By the time I spill my stomach’s contents into the toilet bowl for the third time today, Honey Lee is following me to the bathroom and nagging up a storm.
“I told you. Something’s wrong. You can’t just stay here and keep puking your guts out. We have to go to the doctor.”
“It’s just the stomach flu.”
But I know it’s not just the stomach flu—I can feel it, especially since the nausea is crazier than ever and reminiscent of something I’ve suspected for a while. I clutch my stomach and rub it to soothe it while my cousin kneels beside me to pat my back. Then she helps me on my feet.
“Come on. I’ve prepared some chamomile tea. I find it very useful when I need something soothing during my sick days.”
I sit on the edge of the bed while she hands me a cup, muttering a thank you while I sip delicately. Every sip warms my throat and I feel much better, but it doesn’t make the sick feeling completely go away.
Honey Lee, meanwhile, is puttering around the guestroom, which I failed to keep tidy when I started getting sick again. That was three days ago—a couple of days after Christian left.
“I checked with Christian and he told me he’ll still be in Nashville for another day or two to take care of business. But I know he’ll want to come home if you ask him to…”
“No.” I shake my head, then freeze when the action makes it spin. “That’s not necessary. I’m safe here with you guys and he won’t be able to cure this.”
“I know, but I’m sure he’ll be worried if he knew and he wants to take care of you.”
“Exactly. He’ll be worried and distracted. He doesn’t need that.”
Honey Lee frowns in disagreement, but she doesn’t comment. She replaces my blankets with fresh, lavender-scented ones, and all I want to do is crawl under them and shut out the world with how awful my body is feeling. But I also know I can’t keep living like this, especially when my suspicions will probably plague me even more strongly tonight.
“I think you’re right. I should go to the doctor.”
Honey Lee perks up. “Yes. Good idea. I’m so glad you agree.” But her enthusiasm wanes as she bites her lip. “Do you want to know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think you have morning sickness.”
I startle at the words. Then I shake my head more fervently, relieved when it doesn’t spin this time. “Or it can just be a simple flu.”
“Hmm. Have you had your period recently?”
“I’m a bit late this month. But it’s probably because of stress, Honey Lee.”
“Okay.”
She nods at my denial, unfazed, but I’m clinging to it like it’s my last hope. I can’t be pregnant. Sure, we didn’t use a condom, but I’m on the pill, aren’t I?
As far as I know, the pill works perfectly, if not ninety-nine percent of the time—and there’s no way I’m part of the one percent, right? It’s almost miraculous if I am. Close to impossible.
Hell, contraceptive pills are more effective than condoms, anyway. But I’ll never know until I take some tests.
I’ll never know until I have a piece of paper in my hand telling me that I’m not pregnant.
* * *
“You’re pregnant.”
I stare at Dr. Thompson like he has grown two other heads. Eric Thompson is a nice doctor, who surprised me when he stepped out of the clinic since he’s young, too, and quite a looker. The whispers of the hot town doctor make sense now, but his announcement turns my mind blank.
“I beg your pardon?”
“The results have come out, and here they are.” He hands over the paper to me. I switch from staring at him to staring at the paper, where it shows the results of the blood test: my hCG hormone levels, and right next to it, in bold letters, the word “pregnant.”
“Right. I see it.”
My hand trembles slightly. This isn’t the news I expected. I lean forward, my voice urgent.
“Doctor Thompson, I take birth control regularly and on time. Shouldn’t it have worked?”
“It should, but no contraception is entirely guaranteed other than abstinence.” He hands me some pamphlets. “When it comes to birth control, one out of a hundred women getting pregnant is rare, but it’s not unheard of. Congratulations. It looks like you’re one of those rare ones.”
His congratulatory greeting is sincere, telling me he has no idea of my situation or the speculations this town has cast upon me. Or maybe he knows and just isn’t the judgmental type. My body weakens as I try to grasp at straws.
“So, it’s not the stomach flu?”
“No flu. All your tests are clear, as you can see on the lab results. That’s just your morning sickness acting up, which might be a common occurrence, especially during your first trimester.”
He talks about it in detail and the things I can do to reduce it, then what I can take starting now. I absorb everything in a daze, my mind spinning and body frozen in shock as I still can’t comprehend the truth that’s slapping me in the face. But I recover and thank him for his time, then step out of the clinic, where Honey Lee is waiting patiently in the lobby.
She takes one look at my face and places a hand over her mouth. Then she flies out of her chair.
“Oh, sweetie. Is it what I think it is?”
I nod. I can lie, but I don’t want to lie to her about this. Honey Lee hugs me fiercely, then glances around subtly.
“Come on, Raven. Let’s find a more private place to talk.”
She takes me to the car and drives, but she doesn’t go home yet. Instead, we drive around the town, then she parks beside the park when I assure her that I can use some fresh air. The place is empty during the early afternoon, but we find a bench in an isolated area shaded by a bunch of big trees.
“Churros?” She waves a piece in front of me from the pack she bought mid-drive, then gasps. “Oops, sorry. The smell might…”
“No, it’s fine. I don’t mind the smell…so far.” I bite my lip, my mind still swirling. Then I look at her helplessly. “I wasn’t expecting this.”
“I wasn’t, either. Does Christian know you’re still sick?”
I shake my head. “He’s been calling me every night, but I keep telling him I’m fine and there’s nothing to worry about. Like I said, I don’t want him to worry.”
Silence.
“How about tonight’s call? Will you be telling him?”
“I…I’m not sure.”
Her eyes widen. “Why not?”
“This was supposed to be casual. Just us having fun and slaking our attraction for each other.”
“I know that. But now you’re pregnant.”
“Now I’m pregnant.” The words lay heavy on me. “Which automatically doesn’t make it casual anymore, but…he’s Christian. You know Christian.”
“He’s a good guy, Raven.”
“I know that.” Frustration sinks in until I feel like I can’t breathe. I inhale deeply, then exhale with effort as I try to find the right words. “I know he’s a good guy. But I also know that his business is his number one priority and he doesn’t do commitments. He made it clear multiple times that his agency comes first and he doesn’t have time for anything else, least of all a relationship. And a baby.”
I laugh. It’s not an amused one. Sympathy shines in my cousin’s eyes.
“Raven…”
“Honey Lee, look me in the eye and tell me it’s not true—that you don’t believe every word out of my mouth. Hasn’t he been avoiding commitment with the women here since he was a teenager?”
Honey Lee opens her mouth, then shuts it, proving me right. Her reluctant nod only cements that thought, but she’s still not a hundred percent on board.
“People can change with the right motivation, Raven.”
“I know. But people can also get trapped, and you were right about one thing: he’s a really good guy, and I don’t ever want to trap him. Besides…”
“What?”
“I was the one who insisted we didn’t need a condom. If anything, I was the one who convinced him to be irresponsible.”
She looks like she still wants to argue but settles down and takes a deep breath. “It takes two to tango, you know that. But I won’t blame anyone. I understand it was an accident and neither of you wanted this to happen.”
“Hmm. Either way, I know what it feels like to have a life almost ruined. To have your whole world turned upside down and to feel so helpless about it. I can’t do that to him, Honey Lee.”
“Then what are you going to do?”
Just like that, my mind stops swirling. “I’m going to keep the baby.” The word has my hand landing on my stomach, a storm of emotions flying through me: Nerves. Wonder. Maybe dismay, too, but most of all…love. “But I’m not going to tell him.”
“Are you sure about this, Raven?”
I’m not.
But some decisions have to be made with the best intentions for everyone, and I believe this is one of them.
* * *
There’s still a small part of me doubting what I told Honey Lee last and wondering what will happen if I do tell Christian. Luckily, my cousin is the type who doesn’t insist, opting to respect my decision and even support it as soon as I tell her about it. She does, however, shower me with attention, and I end up laughing when she orders a haul of healthy food online and has it delivered within an hour to her house.
“Honey Lee, what is this?”
“Just because you don’t want to tell him doesn’t mean I’m not going to do anything. You’re my cousin and that baby is going to be my niece or nephew, and you’d best believe that baby is going to get the best treatment from me. So, here. Sniff around, see what you like and what you don’t like. But you can’t starve yourself now.”
I bite back my tongue from telling her that I haven’t been starving myself, but I find her fussing endearing and entertaining. I express my gratefulness with a hug, which sends her into another bout of ordering until I have to stop laughing so hard.
“Oh, my God, Honey Lee, I don’t need that much chocolates or ice cream. Are you planning to give me diabetes?”
She pouts. “You don’t have to eat them all. Just choose what doesn’t make you nauseous.”
I’m so overwhelmed by her sweetness that I can only step forward and give her another hug, this one longer and more grateful than ever. She hugs me back, and we stay like that for a few minutes, just absorbing each other’s warmth and letting each other know that we’re here. When she steps back, she searches my gaze.
“If you don’t want me to tell Aaron…”
“No, it’s fine. You can tell him. I trust you both. You won’t tell anyone else.”
And by anyone else, the only one who really matters is Christian.
The hours pass with relative ease as my cousin keeps me distracted, though we research the dos and don’ts and list down the other needs I have to cater for my pregnancy. I’m just finishing my bowl of hot noodles for dinner—something my stomach thankfully likes—when my phone rings on the dot and my nerves shoot up. I excuse myself and take it to the guest room.
“Hello?”
“Hey, baby. I’ve missed you.”
His words and his voice flood my senses and make my heart ache, but I try to keep mine as casual as possible. “Hey, Christian. You say that every night.”
“And I mean it. How have you been?”
Words flood my head, but I only repeat a few. “I’m fine. Honey Lee took me out for a drive and we got some groceries. Dinner was noodles and it was really good.”
“Sounds amazing.”
“How about you?”
There’s a pause before he takes a deep breath. “I’ve been meaning to tell you, but things weren’t ready until today.”
“What were you meaning to tell me?”
“Your ex, Sam, got arrested. A colleague called me last week to relay what he heard, but I decided to come to Nashville to check it out myself. I didn’t want to leave it to chance or phone calls.”
Shock fills my system, not expecting that at all. I sit there, numb, as he explains what happened from the start, including his decision to leave me behind and take care of the Sam issue personally. When I find out that Sam will be behind bars for a couple of years, I sag on the bed but grip the phone so hard.
“Raven?”
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “Yeah, I’m still here. Are you sure?”
“Sure as hell. It’s official now. He’s locked up. That’s why I extended my stay. This is an emergency, especially since it concerns you, and nothing would have stopped me from making sure he never hurts you again.”
I open my mouth, overwhelmed by the intensity I hear from his voice. At the same time, I can’t believe that Sam got arrested for something unrelated to my case. But before I can say anything, Christian continues.
“But that’s not all I did here.”
“Oh? What else did you do?”
This time, there’s visible excitement in his voice. “I made a bid on a piece of land right at the center of the city…and guess what? I got the bid. Now, all I need to do is process the papers and permits, then I can start building.”
“Building?” Confusion hits me before understanding dawns. “Oh. The agency expansion?”
“Yes. It’s big enough for an agency building, but there’s also plenty of room for a small hotel if I want to open one. Or a living space for clients who want to check into a secure facility. I haven’t decided yet. But the agency expansion is a sure thing.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Between the expansion and my second building, I’m going to be so busy, but…” He sighs wistfully. “It’s been my dream for so long. I can’t even explain it.”
My chest constricts, but I swallow the emotion.
“You don’t have to. But you can try to explain if you want.”
He chuckles at my words. The sound normally makes me smile, but I can only listen in silence as he continues talking about the business and his projections for it within the next few years. There’s a raw honesty and enthusiasm to him, deducing one undeniable matter: that I was right all along.
That his business comes first no matter what, and this…this is my answer.
Just like that, I know what to do. I make my decision in my head, but I think my heart already knew it would come to this long before he called me.
“I’m so glad it’s all working out for you, Christian. Everything you’re saying sounds wonderful.”
I try to make my voice as enthusiastic as possible, too, but something must be off as he goes silent. Then?—
“Raven, are you okay?”
My hand rubs my stomach, and it doesn’t take me long to realize I’m gathering strength from it. Strange, because I’m the oldest child and I’m supposed to be the strong one. But it works as my voice doesn’t threaten to shake anymore.
“Yes. I’m okay. Of course. Everything’s working out for me, too.”
“Yes…yeah. I’m glad it is. I know the Sam news was shocking for you and probably not what you expected, but I like to believe that fate intervened to help us. And now…we can truly move forward from it.”
Yes. In separate directions.
The truth is that Sam is the last thing on my mind. I wasn’t kidding when I said I wouldn’t put up with my fear of him anymore, so whether he’s in jail or not, I will still be living my life. But Christian’s second news?
It’s a stab to the heart, something which isn’t his fault. It’s mine for carrying that sliver of hope, but that hope is crushed to dust now.
And despite the pain inside me, I have to keep positive.
“You’re right. We can move forward from it.”
Christian sighs in relief at my answer, and I can almost hear his worries easing. Then his voice turns sweet again.
“I’ll be home tomorrow. I just need to finish some paperwork and get the process started, but when I get there…we’ll talk.”
“Right. We’ll talk.”
“I can’t wait to see you. And kiss you.” He chuckles. “And talk to you about everything, including my plans.”
“I can’t wait to see you, too.”
Except I know it’s going to be one of the most bittersweet moments of my life already.
When I hang up the phone, I don’t leave the room yet. I stay in bed and stare at the ceiling, repeating everything he said over and over in my mind until I have it memorized. Then I stand, willing myself to gather courage because it’s for the best.
I’m in love with Christian Benson, but I don’t think the feeling is reciprocated. I don’t think he’ll change his mind about his priorities, either.
And I think it’s time to let him go.