Chapter Fourteen
Hannah slowly came to, and the sensation of a weight in bed next to her drew her attention. Her head hurt, but she could hardly pay attention to it as she glanced over at the other side of the bed. Then she buried her face into the pillow to hide her grin.
Xavier. He was right there next to her. Last night had been amazing.
It was the first time they had truly come together in the way she had fantasized about for so long, and it had been good.
Way better than even her wildest fantasies were able to prepare her for.
His touch was so strong, so effortless—the way he kissed her, the way he held her, the way he looked at her—it made her head spin with the most delicious pleasure she had ever experienced.
And now, here he was, sleeping next to her.
He was lying on his side facing her so, she reached her arm out over his chest tentatively, not wanting to wake him up.
She was sure he needed his sleep as much as she did right now, and she didn’t intend to disturb him.
She lightly brushed her hand along his strong chest, marveling at how good it felt, and an excited little giggle bubbled up in her throat.
After all this time, all this waiting, it felt wonderful to finally have him there with her.
Snuggling against him, she flipped over so that her back was pressed against his chest. He wrapped his arm around her waist almost on instinct and pulled her closer.
Hannah closed her eyes, savoring the feeling and wanting nothing more than to doze off again. She was sure there were plenty of tasks she needed to do today, but the only thing she cared about right then was resting up and feeling the warm comfort of him close to her.
She was just starting to fall asleep once more, feeling the faint sensation of his heartbeat against her back, when suddenly, something shifted.
His arm constricted around her all of a sudden, gripping on to her like he didn’t want to let go. His breath was coming harder and faster, but not like it had when they were intimate the night before. This felt like something else entirely.
Hannah wiggled to get a little more room between them, then she drew herself back and slowly turned to face him.
His eyes were open but unfocused. He was looking at her but not seeing her. His body was stiff and twitching slightly, as though he was in the middle of some deadly battle right there in his mind.
“Xavier?” she whispered to him nervously, but it didn’t draw a response. He was dreaming. This must be one of the nightmares he’d told her about. Seeing him in the midst of it, and not knowing how to help him, hurt her heart. This was far different than what she’d thought it would be like.
His hands bunched up the covers, and his body jerked sharply, then contorted like he was in pain, before straightening out again.
She lifted her hand and waved it a couple of times in front of his face, but there was no response. She had never seen anyone in this state of distress before, and she wasn’t sure of what to do. Her heart clenched at the thought of him reliving this terrible pain. She felt all but helpless.
His lips parted, and he croaked out a word. Over and over again, his voice so low and muffled she could hardly make it out.
She shifted a little closer to him, making sure not to touch him, trying to understand what he was saying.
Max.
He was saying his brother’s name. Chanting it almost as though it was some kind of spell that would bring him back to life.
Tears sprang to her eyes at the thought of what he must be seeing in his dream.
Was this what it was like every night for him?
Remembering that one battle that took his brother’s life over and over again?
Hannah wished she knew what was going on inside his head, but the best she could do was try to pull him out of the memory as safely as possible.
Sarah had talked her through it before, the basics of how to pull someone out of a flashback like this.
She had suggested it would be a good idea with the guests they catered to, just in case Hannah was around when someone had an episode and needed assistance.
It would save time rather than trying to find another person to help.
Hannah wasn’t sure if the same thing would apply for a dream, but it was all she knew to try. She didn’t want to call someone else, knowing that Xavier wouldn’t want anyone seeing him in this vulnerable state.
She sat up and moved back some to give him a little more space, suddenly distinctly aware of just how powerful Xavier was—how strong and lethal he could be.
Not that he would ever have used that against her willingly, when he was awake and conscious of his actions.
But right now, he was definitely not awake, so she needed to be damn careful about how she approached this.
“Xavier,” she spoke his name quietly, not wanting to suddenly shock him into wakefulness.
He was still mumbling rapidly under his breath, his eyes sliding sightlessly back and forth as he witnessed who knew what horrors inside his head.
She knew she couldn’t stop them entirely, but she could at least try to pull him out of this and bring him back to the real world, remind him that he was safe, with her in her cabin, in her bed. She didn’t want his first night staying with her to be marred with these memories.
She took a calming breath before speaking to him again.
“Xavier, can you hear me?” she asked gently but firmly.
She wanted to reach out and touch him, but she knew it might trigger a more violent response.
In his addled state, he might think someone was attacking him and lash out.
She wished she could just take his hand and give it a tight squeeze or give him a big hug and make all of this go away, but she had to be smart and help him the right way.
She had to show him that she was capable of handling whatever came with being with him—even when it was scary or tough.
“Xavier, I don’t know what’s going through your head right now,” she continued softly. “But I need you to know that you’re safe. Okay? You’re in my cabin. You’re in my bed. This is Hannah, and I’m here to help you through this.”
For a moment, his mumbling stopped, like he could actually hear her.
She continued talking, repeating what she had just said again.
She spoke slowly and clearly, even though inside, her heart was breaking at the sight of him like this.
Realizing that he’d been struggling with these nightmares all this time, she just couldn’t wrap her head around it.
To think he was doing this all alone, with no one there to pull him back. It wasn’t right.
She was never going to let him deal with them alone again.
The third time she repeated herself, something seemed to shift in him. His breathing began to slow and level out, and his eyes drifted shut once more. The grip he’d had on the covers loosened slightly, and he let out a long, shaky breath.
“Xavier?” Hannah murmured, still a little wary.
Had she done the right thing? Perhaps she should have gone up to the lodge and got proper help for him.
Wake up Sarah, or even her brother. Lawson would have some words about Xavier being in her bed, but she knew he’d help his best friend.
Either one of them would be more equipped to deal with this situation.
But then, Xavier’s eyes opened once more.
They flitted around the room before settling on Hannah.
He wiped away the sheen of sweat on his forehead and then reached out to take her hand.
“Hannah?” he muttered. His voice was hoarse and quiet, but he was here—he was back with her, not lost to that nightmare that had just consumed him.
She breathed a sigh of relief. “Yeah, it’s me,” she told him, squeezing his hand. “Are you…are you okay?”
He paused before he replied, and she knew the answer before he spoke it out loud.
Of course he wasn’t okay. How the hell could he be?
Whatever he had just been through, it had been really bad.
Even last night, faced with the car crash and having to find a way out of the sinking SUV, he hadn’t looked as shaken as he was right now.
She hated seeing him like this, but the fact that he didn’t feel the need to hide it from her felt like a big shift. A huge relief.
“No, not really,” he replied. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”
She shook her head. “I was already up,” she assured him. “I saw there was something wrong. Do you…do you have nightmares like this a lot?”
“Usually worse,” he admitted.
Her eyes widened. Worse? How could they be worse than that?
“I’m sorry,” he murmured again.
She gripped his hand a little tighter. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” she promised him. “I—I knew things were bad, but I didn’t realize just how bad they were for you. This has been happening for a while now?”
“Since the fire,” he replied with a sigh, propping himself up. He still seemed a little off, as though he was still shaking off the remnants of the nightmare.
She thought, for a moment, about asking him what he had dreamed about but quickly decided against it.
As curious as she was, she didn’t want to ask him to go through those memories again, especially when they were still so fresh in his mind.
The best thing she could do was show him support, let him know she was there for him and encourage him to get proper help.
“I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.
I do hope you’ll reconsider talking to Sarah about them,” she added gently.
He had seemed resistant to it before, but a lot had changed since then.
Between them, especially. She hoped it would be enough for him to stop denying himself the help he so clearly needed.
“Yeah, I am,” he replied. “I don’t even know where to start, though.”
“You don’t need to know where to start,” she reminded him. “That’s what she’s there for. She’ll know how to sort through all of this way better than either of us could.”
He nodded but then offered her a smile. “I think you did a pretty damn good job there,” he remarked.
She glanced away from him, shaking her head. “Oh, I just did what anyone would do.”
“You did amazing,” he replied firmly. “I don’t know many people who could pull someone out of a flashback like that, especially without some form of training.”
“Sarah offered to guide me through the basics a while back. Thought it would be good to know working here. Never thought I’d have to try it out.”
“You handled it just fine. You didn’t panic or get frustrated or overreact,” he pointed out.
“You shouldn’t downplay it, Hannah. You should be proud of yourself.
I sure am. I would be doing a lot worse right now if it wasn’t for you.
I’m usually a whole lot more stressed and anxious when I come out of a nightmare. ”
He pulled her to him, and she snuggled against his chest, grateful for their closeness once more. His presence next to her was everything she needed right now, even if she could still feel some of the tension in his body from that nightmare he’d just had.
And she knew it wouldn’t be the last time she would have to talk him down from one of those flashbacks. It didn’t work that way. No matter how much better things seemed to be between them now, how much closer they’d become after sharing their feelings for each other.
Healing wouldn’t happen immediately; it would take time and proper therapy for him. At least he was willing and ready to try, and she’d be there for him in whatever capacity she could be to help him through it.
She wanted Xavier no matter what he was dealing with; wanted to be with him fully and completely.
She wanted to be with him as he healed, to see him grow and change into the man he wanted and deserved to be.
The man who was free from the pain and guilt he had carried around for so long.
She didn’t want him to live in the past and suffer over and over again, reliving his brother’s death.
Hannah closed her eyes and nestled against him, breathing in his scent. She was so thankful that they had finally been open and honest about their feelings. And that they were together. Despite the stress of the nightmare, she was content and happy.
He pushed a hand through her hair and kissed her temple, and she smiled against his chest. Yeah, she might just stay in bed a little longer yet.