Chapter Eight
As Sarah stuffed her clothes into her bag, she tried to ignore the women who were standing in the doorway, watching her pack.
“You don’t have to just pack up and go right this instant,” Bailey protested.
Sarah didn’t pay attention to her. She folded up a top with shaky hands, then tossed it into the pile. “Yes, I do,” Sarah replied through gritted teeth. “Lawson made that very clear.”
“He didn’t tell you to pack up and go today, did he?” River asked her.
Sarah paused. Okay, he hadn’t said that to her. In fact, after the kiss, he hadn’t said anything to her. But that had been more than enough for her to wrap her head around what he wanted, and she wasn’t going to hang out and pretend like she was fine being in a place she wasn’t wanted. “No, but—”
“Then you need to sit down for a second and take a breath,” Bailey told her as she put a hand on Sarah’s shoulder and guided her to the edge of the bed. “Talk to him. Figure this out. He probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded. You know how men can be…”
“Pigheaded?” Sarah retorted. “Arrogant? Mean?”
“I was going to say poor communicators,” Bailey replied, chuckling slightly. “I’m sure Lawson didn’t mean it to come across the way it did.”
Sarah took a deep breath and sighed.
“I know he really cares about you,” Bailey continued, as Sarah put her head in her hands. “There has to be something more to this than what it seems on the surface. He wouldn’t just kick you out like that, with such little warning.”
“He thinks it’s for my own good,” Sarah said, rolling her eyes. “So I can recover from…you know, from everything that happened with Jed.”
“So he’s got the right intentions, then?” River asked.
“Yeah, he just wants you to get better,” Bailey told her.
Sarah frowned. “By leaving this place?” she asked. “I don’t see how that would work. I don’t want to go. This is my home.”
Both of the women fell silent for a moment, and then, River cut in once more.
“I don’t see why you should have to leave to do that,” she pointed out. “I mean, the internet is a thing. You could do therapy online. You shouldn’t have to leave if you don’t want to.”
“My thoughts exactly,” Sarah replied, smiling up at River thankfully.
“And, I don’t know about everyone else, but I’d miss having you around,” River added. Bailey put an arm around Sarah and gave her a squeeze.
“I would, too,” she agreed. Sarah leaned her head on her shoulder for a moment, feeling another rush of emotion.
She’d never be able to cope with being away from her friends.
The support and comfort she got from them was irreplaceable.
She had never felt more accepted and safer than she did there at the lodge.
The thought of leaving them and her home, even if only for a little while, made her chest ache.
It just didn’t feel fair. No matter what Lawson’s motivations might have been for trying to encourage her to leave, they felt cruel to her.
“Thanks,” Sarah mumbled a little sadly. No matter what they thought about her, if Lawson had decided that she needed to leave, what choice did she have? He co-owned the place, after all, and if he wanted her to take a break, that was that.
She just still couldn’t believe he wanted her gone.
One little freak-out and he was pushing her out the door.
No! No. It just wasn’t right. There had to be more to it.
She’d worked too hard to get where she was and she wasn’t going to let him tell her she had to go.
She couldn’t abandon all the people who came to her for help, all the progress she’d made with them in their recoveries.
“You guys are right,” she told them, suddenly feeling a surge of certainty in her chest. That kiss had thrown her for a loop and scattered her brain, but now she was thinking clearly.
Her mind was back on track. She knew what she needed, and she needed to be here; she wasn’t about to let Lawson just kick her out.
This was her home and she wasn’t going anywhere.
“You’re going to stay?” Bailey asked, her face brightening.
Sarah nodded with a smile. “I’m going to stay,” she replied.
“There are too many people who depend on me for guidance and I don’t want them to have setbacks.
I need to stay busy, too, keep to a routine.
I can work on my own stuff while still helping others with theirs, right?
I don’t have to leave to deal with my own problems.”
“Exactly what I was thinking,” River agreed. “You’ve got the right idea.”
“Yeah, I don’t know why Lawson was trying to chase me out of here,” she remarked, shaking her head.
“I work with so many of the residents, what would they have done while I was away? Bring in someone unfamiliar? That could cause other issues and setbacks. Honestly, sometimes, I don’t know what’s going on inside his head. ”
River and Bailey exchanged a look, which Sarah noticed at once.
She furrowed her brow and glanced between them. “What is it?” she asked, confused.
“You really don’t know, do you?” Bailey asked, with a slight laugh.
“I really don’t,” she replied. “You want to fill me in?”
“You know, for a smart woman, you can be really dense sometimes,” River teaser her gently.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Sarah protested. “Why are you looking at me like that? What am I missing?”
“You really don’t know how Lawson feels about you?” Bailey asked.
Sarah frowned at her. Had she seen the kiss? She hoped not. She felt like she didn’t want that exposed to anyone else. She was hurt and embarrassed about what had happened after the kiss, and she didn’t want to have to explain all of that to anyone.
“I mean, I know… I guess he… But he wants me gone,” she replied.
“He wants to keep you safe,” River said gently. “He’s protective of you. That’s what this is all about.”
Sarah shook her head in denial. “I don’t know if I can believe that,” she muttered, looking down at her hands.
It was a sweet thought, him caring about her like that.
But if he really wanted her, then he would have told her that after their kiss.
Instead, he just stared at her, jaw set tight, unable to come out and say what she needed to hear.
“You should,” Bailey laughed. “Everyone else can see it. Including us.”
“Yeah, well, until I hear it from him, I think I’ll play it safe,” she insisted.
She could sense that the two of them were still not entirely convinced by her protestations, and she felt heat rising in her cheeks.
“Wait, you’re blushing,” River pointed out all of a sudden.
Sarah ducked her head, willing her cheeks to stop giving away her thoughts. She hoped her friends would just drop it.
She should have known better.
“You’re blushing because you’re thinking about Lawson, aren’t you?” Bailey teased.
“No, it’s not that!” Sarah protested. “I just… I don’t know.”
“Did something happen between the two of you?” River asked eagerly, planting herself on the edge of the bed and looking at her expectantly.
Sarah parted her lips, considering what to say. Maybe it would do her good to share what was going on with them, and get it off her chest. These women were her friends, and she knew she could trust them.
“I mean, I guess you could say that,” she admitted.
Bailey clapped her hands together. “Okay, now you totally have to spill,” she urged her. “What happened?”
Sarah pushed a hand through her curls. She had been doing her best to keep the memory of the kiss from her mind, but having them bring it up like this, it was impossible not to remember the pressure of his fingertips on her hips, the way he pulled her into him like he needed to be as close to her as possible.
The way his hair felt between her fingers.
“It was…it was just a kiss,” she told them finally, dropping her chin to her chest. She couldn’t believe she was talking about this with them. She knew they were going to demand the details.
“Oh, my God, finally!” Bailey exclaimed, tossing her hands up in the air. “I think that means I win the betting pool.”
“Tell me you’re kidding,” Sarah replied.
Bailey laughed. “Yeah, yeah, I’m kidding,” she assured her. “But what was it like? Was it everything you hoped it would be?”
Sarah bit her lip. “It was…a lot,” she admitted.
“It came in the middle of an argument. He was telling me that he wanted me to go, and I was making it clear that I didn’t want to leave.
We were arguing about it, and I kept challenging him, getting in his face, and then all of a sudden, we were just… kissing.”
“Whoa!” Bailey exclaimed. “That sounds kind of hot!”
“It was intense,” Sarah said, biting her lip.
She remembered the feel of it, the heat moving from his body to hers, like they were silently communicating something between them.
She couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if they hadn’t been arguing, had just been having a regular conversation, and not in public.
Would they have kissed more? Taken their desire in a different direction?
“Did it feel good to get everything out in the open like that?” River asked.
Sarah sighed. “I guess it would have, if it hadn’t come in those circumstances,” she replied. “I can’t figure out what he wants from me, if anything at all. And that kiss, it just made everything way more confusing. It’s just such a mess.”
“I can imagine,” Bailey told her kindly.
“But you should cut Lawson some slack. All the time I’ve known him, he’s been friendly but a little closed-off.
He’s more serious, overly cautious. Of this place and the people he cares about.
With everything that’s gone down lately, I think it’s brought out the more protective side of him.
He just wants to keep everyone safe and thinks it’s his responsibility to make sure that happens. Not get wrapped up in feelings.”
“I guess so,” Sarah admitted. “But I feel like I shouldn’t have to put up with all this back and forth. If he wants me here—if he wants me at all—he should come out and tell me. Even if he doesn’t want to act on it now. I have a right to know and for him to not push me away.”
“In a perfect world, for sure,” River mused. “But think about everything he’s been through in the last year. What we’ve all been through. It’s not that much of a surprise that he would struggle to share his feelings. He might think it would make him too vulnerable to open up like that.”
“Yeah, him trying to send you away could be his way of telling you that he wants to keep you close,” Bailey suggested.
“And how would that work?” Sarah asked skeptically.
“Hey, I can’t read the mind of any man,” Bailey protested, holding her hands up. “Maybe you just have to give it time. Talk to him about how you feel.”
“And maybe kiss him again?” River suggested.
Sarah couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m pretty sure that would just make everything more complicated,” she replied.
But, at the back of her mind, she felt a tingle of excitement at the thought of feeling his mouth on hers again, feeling his hands wrapped around her, that strong, protective grip that made everything make sense.
“Well, whatever happens, I’m staying,” Sarah announced as she started to pull some of her clothes out of her bag. “If he thinks he’s getting rid of me that easily, he’s going to be in for a surprise.”
“Agreed,” Bailey replied. “We’d stage a protest if he tried to get rid of you, don’t worry.”
“Good to know you guys have my back.” She laughed, and she got up to give River a hug. Honestly, she didn’t know what she would do without these women. They were her family just as much as this place was her home.