13. Bonnie
Igot ready that morning with a newfound sense of living. Puck’s right. Who is to say this is all I have? That these four walls are the only part of the world I’ll get to see? That I can’t have a happy ending like everyone else does? That I don’t get to experience love?
Nobody should get to dictate that part of me. Especially my dad.
He might hate me, he might hide me and treat me like I’m nothing and no one, but I know who I am.
Puck knows who I am.
I dress in record time and run through the house, expecting to see Puck, King, or Dax, but they’re nowhere to be found, and it isn’t until Maria catches me flying past her that she laughs at my confusion.
“It’s Monday, dear. They’re at school.”
I scrunch my eyes tight, trying to recall where the weekend went, but then the pounding in my head comes back, and I guess all the crying and the general overwhelming emotions from yesterday fogged my brain.
“Come on, missy,” Maria says, tutting as she walks past me, and I follow her into one of the studies that we use as a classroom.
It’s a very bland room, with beige walls and hardwood floors and one window on the far side. There is a bookcase with some textbooks, paper and pens, but that’s about it. As if classes weren’t boring enough sometimes, I have to sit in this dull room and try to feel motivated, whilst thinking of the boys getting to go to a real school.
“Bonnie.” I hear Maria’s exasperated sigh, and I look up from the biology book in my hands.
“Stop pretending to read. I can hear your thoughts from here, and they are not about biology.”
I huff out a loud breath and drop the heavy book on the table.
“Although maybe there is one side of biology I should be teaching you.” Her eyebrows raise, and I furrow my eyebrows.
In my confused silence, a small smirk appears on her face.
“Like what happens when one starts having thoughts about someone else.”
My mouth pops open whilst my cheeks flame in embarrassment.
“Maria,” I start, not actually knowing what to say next.
“Do you want to talk about it? Do you have any questions?”
“Woah.” I stand, my palms growing clammy.
“I’m just being cautious, dear.”
“I’m fourteen!” I exclaim.
“And you’re growing up, feeling new feelings. I just want to make sure you know you can come to me,” Maria says softly, nodding back to the chair for me to sit back down.
“Maria, I don’t think it’s necessary,” I whisper, tucking my chair back into the table.
“You might not, but it’s important you know how to manage these feelings and urges.”
“Oh God, Maria, I don’t have any urges. We only kissed for the first time yesterday. I”m not having sex with him.”
As soon as the words slip out of my mouth, my cheeks get hotter, and I want nothing more than to curl up into a ball.
This wouldn’t normally be a problem. We’ve had the sex talk already, and as embarrassing as it was then, I didn’t think we’d be going over it again, when she’s talking about me with her son.
“Bonnie,” she starts softly, her hand reaching out to clasp mine. “Look, I know it’s a little bit weird because Puck is my son, but my responsibility for him is just the same for you. I’ve known you since you were a very little girl, Bonnie, and if I didn’t say anything, well, I feel I’d be doing an injustice to your mother. I know if I had a daughter who didn’t have a woman figure to talk about this kind of stuff with, it would break my heart.”
My heart slows right down at the mention of my mother. I never get sad over her because, honestly, I don’t remember her, and I’ve always been lucky to have Maria there in her place. But it feels different now, hearing her talk about her this way.
Recently, there have been more moments that I could’ve done with having her with me.
“Unless,” Maria starts again, letting go of my hands and collecting the papers in front of her. “You want to talk about it with King.”
My eyes widen, and Maria laughs out loud.
“Exactly.” She winks, getting up.
Standing next to me, she places a gentle hand on my shoulder and kisses the top of my head.
“I know you’re okay, Bonnie. I just want you to know you can come to me about anything, at any time. Okay?”
I nod, and with that, she leaves the room. I close the giant biology book and put it back on the shelf before running for my room.
Later that day,I’m sat in front of the window on top of the stairs, looking out over the driveway.
The very same spot I stood on the day of Puck’s arrival.
And here I find myself still waiting for him.
Their school day finished nearly three hours ago, and they still haven’t returned home. I have no idea where they are and can’t get a hold of either King, Dax, or Puck. So instead, I’ve resorted to sitting in front of the window, waiting for them to return.
Where are they? What could they be doing?
Are they meeting people? Did they have another party that Puck forgot to tell me about?
I just want to see him and tell him that I won’t run away next time he kisses me. That he’s right, and we can find our own time. Our own Neverland.
The study door below me slams shut, and I hear Daddy curse as he stomps up the stairs. I try to shrink so he’ll walk straight past me like he always does.
But when he reaches the top of the stairs, for the first time in months, maybe even years, he stops in front of me and tuts.
“You’re still here, then?”
He goes to walk away and, slowly, my body starts to unfurl itself from the ball I crawled into as I straighten.
Puck said to me yesterday we could run, and I never once considered it before because I thought it would be impossible. Daddy would never allow it; he’d never take the chance of someone seeing me.
And even though I know he acts like I don’t exist, I never really considered it’s because he just wishes I was never here.
“Where else would I be?” I question, and he stops, his back to me.
And instead of cowering, like I’ve always done before, a new sense of bravery has stiffened my spine. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but I’ll use it while I have it.
It seems he has nothing to say, and he takes another step forwards, but something in me doesn’t hold back. My words have found a voice, my feelings have found a pillar.
“How could you?” I ask, standing now so I have a little advantage should I need to run.
“You keep me trapped here and don’t even acknowledge that I exist.”
I ball my hands into fists as he turns around, his eyes zeroing in on me.
“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” he spits, and I try to keep my spine straight. I can feel my body wanting to cripple in fear already.
“My father!” I half-shout. “I’m talking to my dad!”
He’s frozen on the spot, and I step an inch closer to him, trying to see through my watery eyes.
“I just want my dad,” I whimper, and without meaning to, let a few tears slip free.
When he has nothing to say, I step even closer, trying not to reach out to him because I don’t know what he’ll do.
“Why do you hate me? I just want you to notice me. I just want you to want me like you want King. Why do you hate me?”
My words are coming out all jumbled and rushed, and the little girl in me is yearning for his affection.
Why is this my life? Why has he dictated it this way?
“I just want my daddy,” I cry, and without thinking, wrap my arms around his huge waist.
I’ve never hugged him before. Not Carlo, the notorious mafia leader, and not Carlo, mine and King’s dad. I don’t think I’ve ever touched a single inch of his skin before.
But something in me reached out to him. Craved it.
And I know that he’s not a man full of hugs, but six-year-old Bonnie owed it to herself to try.
But it’s short-lived.
His hands grip my wrists harshly, and he throws me off of him with force until I land on the ground in front of him.
“I am not your daddy,” he spits, and I feel it on my cheeks. “You are not my child. You’re pathetic, and I’m surprised you haven’t drummed this into your head yet.”
“What the fuck?” King shouts, and I turn my head, refusing to look over at him so he can see how desperate I am. How crushed.
“You stay out of it,” he says to King, pointing a finger at him.
I hear them argue a little more, but I’ve stopped listening when Puck kneels down next to me, gathering me in his arms and holding my cheeks in his palms, wiping away my tears.
I try to focus on him, but my dad’s words have me reeling my head back around.
“Look at you. Are you whoring yourself out like your mother?”
“Don’t you dare talk about my mother like that!” King spits, but Daddy carries on.
“No wonder you’re always around these boys. If I’d known how willing you were for it, I’d have offered you up for some clients myself.”
And with that, chaos erupts.
King shouts and curses, a fist flying into Dad’s jaw. Puck has left my side and has tried to grab him around the collar, joining in with King’s shouts.
Dax helps me to my feet, checking if I’m okay, but I let out a small scream when Daddy hits King right on the cheek, knocking him off balance, and then drawing out a gun from behind him and turning it onto Puck.
Puck steps back, his hands raised in surrender, looking closely at the gun.
“Daddy, don’t!” I cry, and Dax holds me back whilst I struggle, wanting to run to Puck. Wanting to put myself between him and my daddy’s gun.
King steps a little closer to me, standing in front like a shield, blocking me from whatever might come next.
“If I find out that you’re touching her, I’ll make sure I put her to better use. Do you understand?”
Puck stays silent for a few seconds, the gun still aimed at his head, and eventually he nods. Lowering the weapon, Daddy looks at King, his eyes never wavering from his like he’s having a conversation only they know about, before he turns his back to walk away.
Dax’s grip loosens, and I go to run for Puck, but King puts an arm out, stopping me.
“King?” I question, but he just looks at Puck, his arm keeping me stuck behind him.
“What’s he talking about?” he asks him, and my eyes widen as Puck’s narrows.
“Excuse me?” Puck asks in retaliation, and King steps forwards a little.
“What is going on between the two of you?” King asks coldly, looking back at me before back on Puck.
“King, this is ridiculous. Daddy is a liar. Puck hasn’t touched me.”
“I’ve kissed her,” Puck interrupts, and King’s head whips in his direction.
Once again, my cheeks heat.
“The fuck?”
“Enough with the language, King,” I mutter, completely embarrassed by this whole ordeal.
“She is fourteen!” he shouts towards Puck, and I almost laugh at the irony of me saying those words earlier.
“I said I kissed her, man. I haven’t touched her like that.”
“Like what?” King questions, and the ridiculousness of the situation has me pulling my hair out.
“King, Daddy had a gun pointed at Puck, and you’re bleeding. Do you really think now is a good time to go all big brother on me. I’m not a kid.”
“Yes, you are,” he replies back, his eyes slamming to mine.
“I’m not a kid! And you were the one who teased me about it before anyway.” I hold my ground.
“You were doing a hell of a lot more than she is at fourteen,” Puck butts in again, and King pushes him up against the wall.
“Keep your fucking mouth shut and keep away from my sister.”
“King!” I exclaim, but he keeps his focus on Puck.
“You know I”m not gonna hurt her.”
My stomach flips with Puck’s words, and I take another step closer, looking at Dax, pleading with him to do something.
“Come on, King,” he finally pipes up. “You know he won’t hurt her. This is Puck we’re talking about.”
King seems to think about his words for a beat, and then lets go of Puck’s shirt, turning to face me.
“Are you okay?” he asks softly, guilt lining his features. I nod and wrap my arms around his waist, crushing my cheek into his chest. “I’m sorry Daddy hurt you because of me.”
King pulls me back so he can look at me closely.
“One, I’ll take more than a punch for you, Bonnie. And two, I think it’s about time you stop referring to him as Daddy. Carlo never will be.”
His words weren’t meant to be mean, but it was a clear dose of harsh reality that I needed.
Kissing me on the head, he nods at Puck and walks away, Dax in tow, throwing me a wink before he goes.
I turn to face Puck, tears falling down my face instantly, and he wraps his huge arms around me.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, and instead a little laugh leaves Puck’s lips.
“I’m not.”
I push back so I can look up at him.
“I’ll never be sorry for protecting you, Bon. I told you I’m not going anywhere. This is just day one.”
I smile and nod, clinging onto him because I never want to see him in front of the barrel of a gun again.
After a few moments of silence, Puck walks us back to my room, and it’s only then, I ask the other questions that’s been playing on my mind, no matter how irrelevant it is now.
“Why did you guys take so long to come home?”
Puck smiles, and then starts to lift up his shirt, taking it off and revealing his chest to me.
My face tints pink for the thirtieth time today as I scan my eyes over his naked torso.
I’ve seen him shirtless before, but this time it feels different.
It feels intimate and personal and, all of a sudden, my talk with Maria floods my brain as I hear her words feeling new feelings.
I avert my gaze, and that’s when I notice it, some more cling film wrapped around the whole top of his left arm.
“You went and got another tattoo?” I question, and my eyes light up.
He nods, and I gently start to unwrap the clingfilm, trying not to let my fingertips graze his skin because I’m sure he feels just as hot as I am.
Unravelling it, I reveal a huge broken clock with shattered pieces falling away from it.
I look up at Puck, and he smiles down at me, holding my chin in his right hand.
“We don’t need any time in this world, Bon. We’ll make our own time.”
He leans down and presses a small kiss to my lips, even though he had a gun pointed at his skull moments ago with a threat hanging over his head that if he touched me again, Daddy would do a lot worse to me.
“Second star on the right,” he whispers, and I smile, my arms wrapping around his waist, my cheek crushed against his warm skin.
“Till Neverland.”