Natalie #4
“Yes.” I cry. “In fact. You are worse. He raped me, but you tried to make me kill someone. He was a complete cunt the whole time I’d known him.
But you.” I stand and point to the camera.
“You made me fall in love with you, you fucking prick.” Another mouthful of pills gets swallowed, quickly followed by another.
I never told him how I felt, even though he told me often, I wanted to wait until I saw him without his mask.
Not like his real face would have changed my feelings, I don’t care about looks.
I just wanted to see the look in his eyes when I told him, and wanted to be able to kiss him finally after we declared our love to each other.
But that’s never going to happen now. “I told you I felt safe with you.” More pills.
My phone dings away but I don’t check it.
It starts vibrating with a phone call, walking over I press the red button instead of the green.
“And now, now I fucking hate you .” My words are starting to slur.
My phone rings again, and again. I don’t cut the call this time, just let it ring out as I close my eyes to let my spinning head settle.
Crash ! Someone banging down my door makes me jump. “Fuck off Julian.” I cry, not moving from my spot in the living room.
“It’s me.” Dante calls. “Let me in, Nat. Please.” I hear him start playing with the chain. The reinforced chain that Julian installed for me to ‘keep me safe’.
“Leave me alone.” I sniff, my throat sore from the shouting and swallowing fistfuls of drugs.
“Nat, please. Julian just called me. I don’t know how he knows I dropped you back home, but he said you are trying to kill yourself. Please don’t.”
“Why do you care? You told me yourself that we are never going to be friends.”
“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” I shuffle across to the front door, where I see him trying to peek through the gap of the open door.
The pills and alcohol are starting to make me feel woozy and I hold a hand on the wall to help me stand straight.
“Please let me in so I can take you to the doctor.” He begs, eyes watering up. “ Please. ”
“No.” I shake my head. I can’t have someone hold me as I die. I don’t deserve such comfort. “Please leave.” I whimper. “Please.” I push the door so weakly I barely move it an inch. “What happened to respecting my no’s?” I catch his eyes, full of sorrow. Great. The last thing I want is pity.
He closes his eyes and sighs deeply. “I do respect you, Nat. I just don’t want you to take your life when you have so much to live for .
” My phone buzzes again and I look over my shoulder.
“Look at me Nat.” He pleads. “Focus on me, gattina. ” My now blurred vision goes back to the gap in the door.
“Trust me, you have so, so much to live for. Tell me about one of your dreams.”
“My dream?” I collapse against the wall and slide down until my ass hits the floor. It doesn’t even hurt anymore. I guess the pills are working.
I bet you think I’m being stupid right now, right? Yeah I am, but I can’t think of another way to stop all the pain.
“Yeah.” He joins me on the floor on the other side of the door and reaches his fingers through the gap to stroke at mine. I subconsciously shuffle closer to the door. Twisting my fingers with his, he glides his thumb over my knuckles.
“My dream.” I sob, “ is to be with my daughter again.” My eyes start to go heavy. “I want my baby with me. My sweet, little girl.” I mumble. Voice softening and slurring.
“Stay with me Nat. Tell me about your daughter. What’s her name?” Dante asks. “Nat, baby, stay with me.” I open my eyes as best as I can. Why is he being so nice? “What did you call her? What’s your daughter’s name?”
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “I called her Anya, but that was before she was ripped from my arms and taken away from me. Her other parents probably changed her name.” Pa never let me see her after I gave birth to her, and told me they had given her away to the social workers.
She had the cutest little birthmark on her shoulder, I thought it resembled a heart.
Not a perfect one, because no-one’s is. But a fractured heart, my fractured heart.
I marked my baby girl for life in my own little way.
I was always comforted to know that she will always have a part of me with her.
“Anya is a beautiful name. How old would she be now?”
“She turned thirteen last week.” I remember celebrating with Julian. I celebrate her birthday every year, last year was the first time he was with me. And today, God I can’t even think about the different sides of Julian right now.
“You must have had her young.” Dante mumbles.
“I was thirteen myself. And before you ask, my foster dad was the father. I’m sure you know from Julian but I’m a fucked up, mentally crazy orphan who was abused and molested for years by the people who I called my parents.
” I take another sip of wine to follow two more pills.
My stomach is starting to churn now. I take some deep breaths to not throw up.
I can’t bring up all those pills now, that would be a waste.
“All I wanted was to be happy.” I let out a cry.
“Why can’t I ever find happiness, Dante?
Why is my whole life just one big fuck up after another? ”
“You can be, gattina . Will being with your daughter bring you joy?” I nod weakly.
“Then we can find Anya for you.” He taps my hand, my eyes closing slowly.
“Stay awake, Nat. Do you understand? We will find your little girl for you. You can be together again in this life. Not in the after life. Natalie, stay awake. Natalie. Nat. open the door. Come on, stand and open the door. Please .” I hear the chain rattling as he tries again to push open the door.
“ Please, gattina. Devi vivere, ho bisogno che tu viva.