Julian
Eighteen
I ’ve never been one to celebrate Christmas, until this year I guess. When I was ‘Mr Stalker’ and it was just me and Nat - nope, when it was just me and Grace, we would just spend the day together. But now everyone is here, all cramped into my treasures apartment, with a new baby in the family.
“I have no clue how to be a parent.” Gustin whispers, looking between me and Dante.
Bull stands by the kitchen door giggling away to himself, and Anya, bless her heart, has fallen asleep in the chair, well Pea rocked her to sleep - which didn’t take long at all - before sneaking into the kitchen and kicking Bull out. “Can you help me? Please.”
I stroke a finger over Nattie-Grace’s chubby little cheek and smile. “You are doing amazingly already.” I tell him. “You have had to grow up quick, kid. But we all have, every person in this room has had to in one way or another. We will be here to help you, but I think you’ve got this in the bag.”
“Agreed.” Dante nods. “Just look at the way you care for Anya, for Grace. Even my pain in the ass of a son.” Gustin chuckles lightly. “You are an incredible young man, Gustin. And we are all so proud of you.”
“That we are,” Bull chimes in. “And I know for a fact Grace is. She is so, so proud of you both. And at how far you have come since…” He doesn’t need to finish his sentence.
“Since I almost killed pa that night.” He sighs. “I saw him hit my big sister and lost it. I finally had the chance to protect her, to protect the little ones, and... Julian if you hadn’t stopped me…” He gulps. “Thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me kid.” I exhale, ruffling his hair. I remember how much he was shaking that night. But his calm demeanor showed me he was willing to kill to protect his loved ones. Just like Grace. “Next time, if there is one, you leave it to us. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Gustin,” he looks across to me. “I mean it. You’re a parent now, mate. You need to live a good life. Not just for you, but for your daughter too.”
“She may not be mine though.” He says under his breath. “But even if she isn’t, I won’t leave them.” He glances at Anya. “I won’t ever leave them.”
“We know.” Dante replies.
“I’m scared.” Gustin gulps, “what if I end up like him.” He sniffs.
“He and Ma said I will end up being bad because of what I did to her. I didn’t want to do it.
” He sniffs again. “I swear I didn’t,” I pull him closer until his head hits my shoulder, Dante takes little Nattie-Grace from his arms before he wraps them around me.
We’ve been through this so many times, the bastards drugged him with viagra and forced him to rape Anya, but this is the first time he has informed us of what they said.
“Pa told me I will be just like him when I’m older.
I don’t want to be like him, I don’t…” his breathing becomes erratic.
“I don’t, I don’t.” He repeats again and again.
“I can’t end up like him, Julian. Kill me if I do.
If I start getting thoughts like his , promise you will kill me . ”
I can’t speak. Unable to answer him.
What the fuck do I do?
What do I say?
I look across to Bull and Dante for help, both of them shrugging at me.
Thanks guys.
“Gustin, breathe.” He takes some deep breaths.
“Now do you trust me?” He nods. “Then believe me when I say that they were wrong. You are a good kid and I fully believe that you will be a good adult too.” Could this be why he is on edge all the time?
“You hold all the cards now, Gustin. For most of your life you’ve only had the cards you’ve been dealt, and they’ve all been bad hands.
But you’re the dealer now. You get to pick your own hand.
Understand?” I hope he understands what I mean by that analogy, because I don’t exactly want to say that if he does hurt any of the girls, I will gladly snap his neck.
I grab some tissues from the box on the table and wipe his face.
“Ok-okay.” He hiccups. “Sorry.”
“No need to be sorry, you have trauma. And that trauma will take a while to leave you, but it will get better.” Dante says quietly. “You can believe me on that, I am a prime example of it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I might tell you one day,” Nattie-Grace starts to whimper.
“Here, it looks like she needs cuddles from her daddy.” He slides the small being back into Gustins arms and he instantly relaxes.
I look over his lowered head to my best friend, a communicated glance between us of “we have to help this kid.”
I check the timers on my phone and realise that if the women don’t come out of the kitchen soon, the potatoes are going to be going into the oven late.
It’s been a while since I’ve cooked a traditional Christmas dinner.
The last time was with mum seven years ago, she loved it so much.
And if I’m honest, so did I. We woke up before everyone else, threw on some Christmas music and danced around the kitchen while prepping the meat and veg.
She taught me how to make homemade stuffing, apple sauce, and mint sauce.
She smiled so wide when I handed her her Christmas gift - A collection of first edition Roald Dahl books.
I pull out my phone and send her a quick text.
Me:
Merry Christmas mum. I
miss you. Say hi to Nana
from me. <3
Mum:
I miss you too, my little
booger. We both do,
when are you planning to
visit us next? Bring Dante
and Nico too.
Mum:
Merry Christmas to you
all. I love you, J.
Me:
Will do, I promise we’ll
come see you both soon.
I love you too.
A few more minutes pass with everyone relishing the silence. But not me, nope. I can’t relax until I have the potatoes peeled, cut and parboiling in the pan!
Am I about to have a crash out over some potatoes? Yes I am. My whole schedule will be off if I don’t get them in on time!
“PEA!” Grace exclaims when the door opens. “You call me that once more time and I will ban you from movie nights.”
Peacock actually stops in her tracks, mouth agape as if Grace just told her that she’s going to take away all of her weapons and leave her deserted on an island somewhere. “You wouldn’t dare?”
“Wouldn’t I?” Grace smiles sweetly and plops the tray down onto the coffee table. Pea drops to her knees in front of Grace and begs her not to ban her from their treasured movie nights.
“What do you reckon she called her?” Gustin questions.
“Grammy.” Bull chuckles, resulting in both women looking across to him. “ Oh I heard everything. ” He winks. Pea burns bright red and runs out of the room, quickly followed by a laughing Grace.
“Okay. Now I need to know what was said.” Dante quips.
“Nope.” Bull shakes his head. “You ain’t getting a word from me. I do, however, need to go and sort a brat out .”
“And I need to sort the spuds out.”
I’m partway into peeling and cutting up the potatoes when Dante comes in, holding baby Nattie-Grace.
“How are you feeling about next week?” He asks.
“Dude.” I look around the door into the living room. Empty.
“Gustin is putting Anya to bed and then said he’s going to shower. The other three are still doing God knows what, all I can hear is Grace laughing and Pea grumbling about something like always.” He shrugs.
I finish cutting up the spud I was working on then start peeling the next. “So fucking scared.” I admit.
“Same.” He nods. “But we made a promise.”
“I intend to keep it. You don’t need to worry about that.” I sigh. “I can’t lose you, any of you.”
“I know. I can’t lose you either, man.” He shuffles the baby onto one arm and places a hand on my back. “I love you, Julian. Always have, always will. We may fight and argue, but that’s just what brothers do. And in the end, I will always be your ride or die.”
“Same to you,” I smile. “But if she does pick you, I will kill you if you hurt her. No need to give me the same threat. I already know.” He grins back, rocking slightly on his heels to calm a whimpering Nattie-Grace.
“I thought about what you said.” Dante says in a hushed tone
“I say a lot of things, dude,” I chuckle. “So what sentence was it?”
“What you said that night.” I nod, and my heart sinks all over again. “I agree with you.” My hands start trembling, “I agree with everything you said. But I’m not sure if Grace will be so willing.”
Little does he know. I smile to myself. Dante acknowledges my crazy idea and likes it, and I know Grace does too.
Best. Christmas. Ever.
Nattie-Grace quietens down with Dante still rocking her.
“You’ve always been so good with the kids.
I’m almost jealous.” I admit. I have always wanted children myself, but with my job and my past I’ve always found it hard to commit to someone.
Until Grace came along. But even then I couldn’t bring myself to do anything physical with her, not because of her scars or her looks.
She is beautiful no matter what in my eyes.
But because I know that once she finds out how fucked up I am, once she realises my alter ego exists, she will leave.
I thought I would be single for the rest of my life, my whole life, until I met my treasure.
She didn’t leave, she stayed even though I was being such a massive fucking creep.
Then I find out she’s in love with my best friend too.
And my world stopped spinning.
“Want to hold her?” Dante asks.
“No.” I daren’t touch her. Not with as much blood on my hands as I have. I don’t want to taint such an adorable little gem with my darkness. My hands tremble at the thought of a precious bundle being corrupted by someone like me. “I’m busy.”
“You’re denying cuddles with a newborn, because you're peeling some potatoes?” Dante cocks an eyebrow at me, smirking a little, seeing right through my bullshit.
Cocky bastard.
I used to hold Nico all the time when he was a babe with no trouble. So why do I have anxiety over holding Nattie-Grace? They are both innocent children, both untainted by the evil world in which we live in.
“I don’t want to accidentally harm her.” I admit, my voice quiet .
“You won’t hurt her, Julian.” Grace says from the doorway.
Pea and Bull are still debating from whatever room they’re in.
“Come with me.” She holds her hand out and I take it after switching on the hob to parboil the potatoes.
She leads me to the sofa and I sit, then lowers herself beside me and Dante leans down, placing Nattie-Grace into my arms.
Like placing a delicate flower into an old cracked plant pot.
Tears immediately spring to my eyes. What the fuck? “Are you okay?” I hear Grace ask and I nod silently. Her knuckles wipe at my cheeks. “Are you uncomfortable?” I shake my head, unable to take my eyes off of the sleeping baby. “Then why are you crying?”
“Shh, you’ll wake her.” I whisper. I hear the other two laugh quietly then stand.
“We’ll leave you to it then.”