Chapter Forty-Four
TOREN
I've been a nervous wreck ever since we pulled out of the parking lot of the rink. When I saw Xaden’s car, I expected him to be inside it but when we climbed in it was empty.
Cas didn’t offer an explanation for why he had his car or where he was so I didn't ask. Truth is, I’m terrified to face him again.
I think if I’m being honest, I crave the solace Xaden Devlin offers because I know at any minute he can end my suffering.
I crave the bliss he can offer. Most of all I crave his touch.
The way he can set me ablaze is addicting, he’s a drug to me.
I know it’s fucked to want someone after what he has done and just did, but I can’t turn off how I feel.
I hate myself for feeling this way, but unless you have walked a fucking mile in my shoes, don’t you dare judge me.
It’s fucking soul destroying to wake up every day knowing that your family wants nothing to do with you, and the friends you thought would be with you for life have turned their backs on you.
Learning your best friend died and you took the lives of two innocent people is hell.
When you’ve had your home ripped away, the only life you have known stolen from you and you’re dropped on the doorstep of your brother’s enemy only for that enemy to offer you a safe place to lay your head, then opened your eyes to the lies you have been fed your whole life, then you may fucking judge me.
When we arrived back at Xaden’s, he was nowhere to be seen.
Cas told us to change and wash up. Harper told me she heard him telling Brady that he would meet him at the beach.
Unlike last time, I don’t wear a swimsuit.
I chose to wear my low rise jeans that sit perfectly on my hips and paired it with a white crop top that exposes my toned belly.
Tonight, I refused to leave the past behind and secured the pendant Em gave me around my neck.
My past made me who I am today and I refuse to hide from that.
I am Toren Kellar. I’m a fucking meme and I ruined countless lives. I own it. I know I am a piece of shit and will go to hell for the sins I committed, but I will no longer allow that to define me.
Harper helped me with my makeup to cover the bruises on my face. When she attempted to cover the finger prints on my neck, I refused. I want them to be on display.
I survived the fucking devil and lived to tell the story.
The car ride to the beach is filled with silence and tension. When we finally arrive, it’s dark out and cars have filled the small lot. The last time I was here it was empty and I was with Xaden. When Cas parks, he doesn’t say a word as he climbs out of the car and leaves Harper and me behind.
“What the fuck are we supposed to do now?” Harper asks from the back seat.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore,” I mutter dejectedly.
“Do we stay here or go down there?”
“If we go down there, I’ll have to see all the people from Somerset—”
“Fuck them.” I turn in my seat and stare back at my friend in surprise.
“I mean it. Fuck what they say or think, Tor. If they want to judge you for fucking Xaden, then so be it. I know I fucked up by doing what I did with Meekan. I will prove to you that I’ll never betray your trust again, Toren.
I have your back and if any of those assholes say one word to you, I’ll punch them in the nose.
” I can’t help but laugh. The sting of her betrayal still burns but I understand why she did what she did.
I haven’t seen or heard from Meekan but I have a sinking feeling that I haven’t seen the last of him.
If he is anything like his sister, he won’t give up until he gets what he wants.
“Okay,” I say as I climb out of the car. Harper links her arm through mine in silent support as we make our way down to the beach.
This was our ritual.
It didn’t matter if it was Somerset or Stormsend that played that night, we always came down to the beach for the after game bonfire.
The hatred for each other always seemed to fizzle out when we were here—it was all fun and games, long nights filled with happiness and laughter.
Kenna and I would always look forward to it.
We lived for these nights. It was freedom and a chance to let our hair down and hang out with my brother and the guys.
We got to be kids. There was no pressure or expectations, just fun with your friends.
I never saw Xaden at any of the bonfires.
In his defense he could have been here but I was too focused on one person and trying to garner a small amount of his attention.
I was desperate for the crumbs he would give me—a subtle smile, a tender touch on the arm or a side hug when he would have too much to drink.
I cringe at the thought of how fucking pathetic I was. I pined after a guy who never wanted me.
I’ll never allow myself to be that girl again.
When we make it to the beach, I feel the stares of everyone around me.
I ignore them and hold my head high. Harper gives my arm a squeeze.
“Keep it up, baby girl. You’re a bad bitch and it’s time you learned that.
” I smile over at my friend. When we reach the keg she offers me a drink, but I refuse.
I have taken charge of my life and chosen to own the sins of my past and I will not repeat my mistakes.
Harper and I spend the next few hours watching the guys around us get drunk and the girls throw themselves at them.
Harper and I stick to ourselves. I haven’t seen Cas, Kellan, Masen or Xaden.
I know they must be around here somewhere.
Harper left a minute ago to go to the bathroom. I offered to come but she waved me off.
“Toren,” I look to my side to see Darren Parker standing there with Bill Gordon and Chester Brock standing behind him with grins on their faces.
They are defensemen for the Somerset Eagles and royal assholes.
They are womanizers and bang anything with a pulse.
“Have a drink with me.” He holds a red Solo cup out.
“I’m good, thanks,” I say with a forced smile.
“Come on, Toren, just one drink,” Bill urges.
“No, I’m good, but thanks for the offer,” I say in a firmer tone, trying to get rid of them and look around for where the fuck Harper is.
“It’s the least you can do after your boyfriend ruined our game.” I balk at Chester.
“Xaden didn’t do shit. Kellan started it.” It doesn’t escape me that I didn’t correct about Xaden not being my boyfriend. Darren takes a step forward, the only thing separating our bodies from touching is the cup he has pushed against my sternum.
A horrible feeling settles over me when Chester and Bill move to flank and shroud me in their shadows. My breathing turns labored as a prickle of unease works its way up my spine.
“Take the drink, Toren, or do we need to get rough like your boyfriend?” There’s an edge to his tone.
He’s lost the relaxed tone and is now showing the sinister side of himself.
I open my mouth to tell him I don’t want the drink, but then the hairs on the back of my neck stand up a second before he plasters himself against my back.
He doesn’t even have to utter a word to have the three idiots backing up a step.
The panic slowly starts to ease out of me, knowing he’s here.
To teach is to learn. To learn is to excel. To excel is to thrive. To thrive is to live.
“Unless you want me to rearrange your face like I did your captains and get rough with the three of you, I suggest you fuck off and stay the fuck away from my girl.” The three of them shoot Xaden a glare before taking off.
I slouch into him, only for him to push me away.
I stumble forward a step and catch myself before I fall face first into the sand, then spin around to glare at him.
His face is bruised and his lip is split but other than that he looks…
fine. He’s dressed in a pair of jeans and a black hoodie with the hood up.
His signature style I’m coming to understand.
He doesn’t dress flashy or show off his wealth, he dresses for comfort.
My brother and Kellan are always dressing in the latest fashion and showing off their wealth by wearing it around and flaunting it for everyone to see.
Xaden drops his gaze from my face to my neck. I stand there and let him take in the sight of his handy work, not feeling one bit ashamed.
“You were so close, Tink,” he mutters.
“Close to what?”
He flicks his eyes back to mine and smirks darkly. “To the end.” My breath hitches. “You were so close. You even gave in and wanted it to happen, begged for it even, only to have your wish ripped away.” I work my jaw side to side.
“That proves you failed, not me,” I throw back at him as I wrap my hand around my pendant and sigh in relief at the feeling of it in my palm.
“Failure is what you make it. You saw the truth in my eyes. You didn’t need to hear it from my lips because you saw the truth with your own eyes, yet you stand here thinking you can offer me redemption for my sins.
” He steps closer to me, leaving a sliver of space between our bodies.
“Newsflash, Tink. Tonight is the night everyone stops believing in you.”
“All fairies die when no one believes in them,” I utter quietly.
“Exactly. Time for you to play your last part in this game before you finally get your wish and I’ll be all too happy to grant you what you want most.”