Chapter 17 #2
She lowered her gaze, nervously checking her watch while Lucas stared at her.
He felt a bittersweet tug begin in his chest. It was as if a guitar had replaced his heart and Anna was plucking all the strings at once with her words, leaving behind off-key notes he couldn’t leave alone.
These off notes, they were making her unhappy and that was hard to bear.
So he put his hands around her face and gently lifted her chin with his fingers so that she would look up at him. And then he leaned forward and kissed her.
Being kissed by her had always helped him when he was tired and life was too hard.
And he didn’t know how else to show her he was sorry.
No matter what, his words could never live up to a simple kiss.
Because she was right, that it wasn’t fair.
But short-term happiness wasn’t all bad.
Short-term happiness could create memories for eternity.
And happiness didn’t have to be long-term to mean something.
But he couldn’t say that. He didn’t want to deny her feelings by saying she wasn’t right about something.
He couldn’t change her past with words, couldn’t make it disappear with a touch. All he could do was make her feel that while the world was unfair, it also had its good sides. And kissing was definitely one of them.
So he did it again. He took advantage of Anna’s lips parting slightly in surprise.
He stroked her cheeks with his thumb, sank his hands into her hair, and kissed her until he felt her shoulders relax.
Until he noticed her smiling against his lips.
Until the guitar strings of his heart played a melody again.
And Anna’s eyes didn’t seem quite so sad when he pulled away.
“What was that?” she whispered.
“A kiss.”
“Ah. Good thing you said so, I almost didn’t recognize it.”
He lifted one corner of his mouth as his hands fell from her face. “Then I must have done something wrong.”
“It didn’t feel wrong.”
No, it never did with her.
“But…I thought we were supposed to be friends, Lucas.”
“That was a friendly kiss.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.” His gaze flickered down her chest. “You’re not naked, are you?”
She laughed even though her eyes still glowed with a serious heat. “Ah, so that’s what separates friendly kisses from normal kisses.”
He nodded seriously.
She smiled… And Lucas didn’t often feel like he’d done something right, but right now, this, this didn’t feel wrong.
Anna was still watching him when her phone vibrated. She pulled it out of her pocket, placed it on the table, and opened an email she’d apparently just received. Lucas wasn’t planning to read it, but Anna didn’t hide it either.
I’m sorry, Anna. My boss is making me work late, and I can’t lose this job.
That was it. The entire message.
Hot disappointment spread like wildfire across Anna’s face, burning and unmistakable, and anger was forming in Lucas’ stomach.
Her father noticed now that he was late? Why didn’t he ask his daughter if she would still be in town tomorrow? If she could wait for him? It sounded like an excuse, as if he’d gotten cold feet. And judging by Anna’s expression, she knew it was, too.
“Come on, let’s go. He's not coming,” she said, her voice thick, and started to stand.
Lucas grabbed her hand and pulled her back into her seat. “No.”
She raised her eyebrows in surprise. “What?”
“We’re not going to let your father ruin the day. We drove all the way here, so we might as well have something to eat, or play pool or something.”
Perplexed, she opened her mouth. “But you just ate.”
“Yes, but you haven’t. Aren’t you hungry?”
“I could eat something, but…”
“Fine,” he said firmly, placing a hand on her leg to stop her from getting up again. “Anna, your father is a complete idiot. He will disappoint you. But damn it, he’s not going to ruin your day. He doesn’t have the right to, and I won’t give him the power to, so you shouldn’t either.”
“I’ve already done that, Lucas,” she said wearily.
“I feel like I’m giving my parents the power every day to make me live my life on the back burner.
So that I don’t start my real life. And my mother is dead and my father isn’t here!
” She sighed and rubbed her face. “You know, Jack and Dax had ice hockey, but me…it was better to live in books than in our home. I always preferred imagining a great future to existing in the present. The air around us was always so stuffy and filled with aggression and guilt. So, I have been working every day so that one day things would be different and better. But I’m still stuck, aren’t I?
So, what if that was just a fantasy? What if I finally start the great future I’ve been imagining for years…
and it’s a complete disappointment? Just short-term happiness again? Like always.”
Lucas pressed his lips together and shook his head stiffly. “Okay, that’s enough,” he said sharply.
Anna looked up, surprised. “Excuse me?”
“That’s enough pity for one day. It’s enough,” he repeated stonily, because someone had to tell her. “You have to stop telling yourself that you’re waiting to start your real life. There’s no right or wrong life. There’s only life. And you’ve been living it for twenty-seven years.”
“But…”
“No!” he replied harshly. “Just because you’re holding back, because you’ve given up on parties and serious relationships, doesn’t mean you’re not living a real life. And for the record, I think the term real life incredibly shitty. Who are you to decide when a life is real and when it isn’t?”
With her mouth gaping, she stared at him. “But I’ve put my life on hold, I…”
“You can’t put life on hold. It’s not a fucking YouTube video.
You breathed. You learned. You helped people.
You met new people and argued with your brothers.
You helped them reconcile. You slept with me.
You fueled a little girl’s enthusiasm for becoming a doctor.
Isn’t that life? Isn’t that valuable? Life isn’t about dream jobs, marriage, and parties.
Life isn’t a race. Life doesn’t dictate what’s right and wrong.
We decide that. So stop this bullshit and play a game of pool with me before we eat. ”
Anna stared at him, her mouth open.
“What?” he asked brusquely. Everything he’d said was the truth! “I thought you liked my monologues. Now get up and have fun with me.”
The corners of her mouth threatened a smile. It was a barely noticeable movement, but he saw it.
“I…didn’t know you liked playing pool.”
“I don’t. But I don’t know any other way to distract you from your misery.”
She laughed. It had a surprised tone, as if she herself didn’t understand how she was capable of laughing in this situation.
“Okay,” she finally said, slowly, as she rose. “Are you good at pool?”
“Incredibly bad.”
She laughed again. “While we play, can you tell me some private details about your life?”
Now it was he who was surprised. “Wait, what?”
“Well, I feel like a huge imbalance has arisen between us today. You know a ridiculous amount about me now, but I still don’t know you.”
How the hell could she still think that?
He’d already delivered two monologues! He’d only ever done that with Melody when it came to her dental hygiene.
Lucas stood and approached her, and gently wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “You know me, Anna. You know more about me than Fox or Hazel. And they both think they know everything.”
She bit her lip. “I don’t know everything.”
“Nobody ever knows everything, but you know more than enough.” Too much. Actually, it was too much.
He started to walk past her toward the pool tables, but she held him back by the hand.
“Lucas?”
He raised an eyebrow.
“I’m glad you’re here. Really. It was a smart decision not to leave you in the car. Thanks.”
“Yup,” he said, looking away. “Now, less talking, more playing.”
His heart felt strangely sore and his mouth was dry. He couldn’t remember ever talking so much in one evening.
And it didn’t bother him at all.