Chapter 24 #2
“Fuck,” he whispered, giving Lucas one last icy look before disappearing out the door past the cubbies.
Lucy watched him go and sighed heavily. “Wonderful. Then there were four of us. Wait here, okay? I’ll let them know we’re ready.” With that, she scurried off in the opposite direction.
Fox merely shook his head and Leon stared at him open-mouthed. “They’re right. You’re a mystery.”
Lucas snorted as the door Lucy had just disappeared through reopened. He thought the PR consultant had returned, but instead, Melody strolled into the coatroom.
“I heard you. You were very loud,” she said with a grin, hugging Fox’s legs and then Lucas’s before whispering seriously, “Today is the best day ever. Because you’re both here. And I know you, but no one else does, and you’re totally famous and rich!”
Lucas laughed and patted her head. “That’s all correct.”
Her grin widened. “Is Anna coming too?” She tilted her head back to look at him. “She said she’s your colleague. And you said you’d bring colleagues with you.”
“No,” he mumbled, ignoring the pain in his chest as he crouched next to her.
“Oh.” She stuck out her lower lip in disappointment. “But I want to give her the picture.” She pushed a piece of paper toward his face so he could examine it.
It looked a bit like the picture she’d drawn for him a few months ago, only this time, it showed four deformed stick figures with dark hair. Three were standing on a light blue surface, with the fourth again on a blue cloud with eyes.
“Is the cloud your mom?” he asked softly.
Melody nodded. “Yes. And that’s you.” She pointed to the biggest stick figure of all.
..the one who didn’t look grumpy. It was smiling.
“That’s me and that’s Anna,” she said, pointing at the remaining figures.
“We’re ice skating and having fun. And that’s Anna’s saw.
” She pointed to a gray spot at the edge of the picture that he hadn’t noticed.
He just stared at the little figure that was supposed to be Anna.
His eyes stung as if someone had taken Anna’s saw to them.
Shit. Melody had gotten used to her. Within a few weeks. She missed her when she was gone. Someone else had left her life.
And no one knew how she felt better than him. He pressed his hand to his eyes and breathed deeply, trying to pull himself together. He didn't want to shed a tear in front of the girl who had become his entire life within the span of a year. Who wasn’t the only one who had gotten used to Anna.
He'd gotten used to her laughter when he gave a monosyllabic answer. To her serious yet happy face when she talked about her job, which she loved more than anything. To her sighing in his ear. To the calm she radiated when he couldn’t find it.
And he had let her go. He had to let her go.
What the hell was he supposed to do?
His throat tightened. His chest was a single mass of loose organs, bumping against each other uncontrollably as if he were sitting unbelted on a damn roller coaster.
“Fuck,” he whispered.
“Lu!” Melody’s eyes widened. “You can’t say that.” She looked around, frightened and frantic, as if she were afraid he would make her look bad in front of her teacher.
“Sorry, Mel, I...” ...I am a wreck.
“Okay, Moreau, let’s go outside for a minute,” Fox murmured gently, squeezing his shoulder. “Because with that expression, you’re not just scaring the kids, but me too.”
He swallowed and shook his head. “I...”
“Melody,” Fox said, ignoring him completely, “this is Leon. He loves pictures. Can you explain to him what colors you used and why? Lu and I need to talk about something.”
“I’d love to,” she responded excitedly, tugging on Leon’s sleeve, who looked down at her, overwhelmed. “First, what’s your favorite color?”
Moreau didn’t hear Alvarez’s reply because Fox was already pushing him out the door into the front yard.
“Fuck,” he whispered again. He had to pull himself together. He didn’t know why this was so difficult for him. He'd never had a problem with it before. He...
“What the hell happened, Moreau?” Fox asked urgently.
“Anna and I ended it,” he replied stonily, running both hands through his hair.
“I figured that, I just don’t understand...why? I explicitly gave you my okay.”
“You... What?” He looked at his best friend, irritated.
“Well, I said good when you gave in, didn’t I? I was honestly happy for you, man. It was obvious that you had feelings for each other and that it wasn’t just sex. You weren’t seriously scared off by Temple and West, were you?”
Lucas laughed hollowly. As if. “That’s not the point.”
Fox raised his eyebrows. “Then what is the point? And if you start giving me that bullshit about you not having that kind of relationship, I’ll punch you. Because, shit, when you told me why you slept with her, for a moment I thought, mhm, so that's what love at first sight is.”
Lucas’ jaw muscles worked incessantly as he peered down at the weeds growing between his feet.
Love at first sight.
Was that it? He didn’t know. And he wasn’t interested in giving it a name, to define it with a sentence or even a single word because what he felt was too damn big for that.
“We...aren’t right for each other. Too much drama,” he muttered.
Fox looked like he was about to slap him. “What the hell, Moreau? You can’t be that stupid. She’s special and you know it.”
Obviously, yes, he knew that.
“You don’t talk to anyone about your feelings. Are you aware of that? No one. Not me. Not Hazel. Shit, we’ve known each other for ten years, Lucas, and it still feels weird calling you Lucas.”
Frowning, Lucas rubbed his hands over his face. “I know. I’m not...open or whatever. I’m not like Anna. Or the guy she’s searching for.”
“That’s not what I’m saying, Moreau,” Fox replied stonily.
“I’m saying she’s what you fucking need!
You talked with her! With Anna, you shared more than just..
. oh God, I hate myself for these words, but you shared more than just your body with her.
You gave her more than crumbs, like the rest of us get. ”
Lucas pressed his lips together. “It’s not about me.”
Fox snorted. “And why shouldn’t it be about you for once?
Your parents and your sister were caught up in their own shit.
You don’t talk, you don’t draw attention to yourself, and you’re secretive.
But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to find someone who makes you feel like you can open up.
Just accept that she wants you! Because, shit, she wants you! We all saw that yesterday.”
He took a deep breath and exhaled. “I know,” he said irritably.
“Then what’s your problem?”
“Melody, she...”
“Oh, come on. Don’t use her as an excuse. It’s okay if something more than just Melody and hockey makes you happy, Moreau. It’s okay to want more.”
“I know!” he snapped. “But if Anna and I are together and the press finds out – which they damn well will! – they’ll find out about Melody. They’ll suddenly take an interest in me, everything will get complicated, and she’ll receive too much attention.”
“Yeah. Probably,” Fox replied calmly.
“It’s good we both understand it’s not possible!” he growled.
“Uh, I still don’t get it.”
Stunned, he stared at his friend. “Melody...”
“Is your damn daughter, Lucas,” he whispered urgently.
“She’s not your niece. She’s not just any kid.
She’s your daughter. And she wants everyone to know.
She hates it when kids say she has no parents.
Sure, the press sucks. A few kids will get on her nerves and her life will become more complicated.
But she talks about Anna all the time. Do you think she’d really be happier if she remained a secret, didn’t see Anna again, and you were miserable?
Despair rose in Lucas and he narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know, Fox! I don’t fucking know!”
“Then ask her!”
“What?” He blinked, irritated.
“You never asked Melody what she wants, Moreau.”
“Melody doesn’t know what it means for me to make her existence public,” he growled.
“Maybe not. But just like how Dax and Jack should have asked Anna what she wanted, you should ask Mel.”
“She’s five!”
“And always knows exactly what she wants. Explain to her what it means. Tell her what’s going to happen. Let her decide.”
Without another word, Fox pushed the kindergarten entrance door open again, and when Lucas didn’t move, he impatiently turned to him.
“Are you coming or what?”
“I’m supposed to ask her...right now?”
“When else?” Fox shook his head sympathetically, as if Lucas were particularly slow today. It was fitting because that was how he felt. Very slow.
He followed Fox back into the kindergarten with a buzzing filling his head that he couldn’t place or turn off.
“...and that’s why unicorns are shit!” Leon concluded matter-of-factly as the door closed behind them. Oh God, what the hell?
Melody’s eyes widened. “You’re not allowed to say shit.”
“Sorry. That’s why unicorns are complete crap.”
She stuck out her lower lip. “But I like unicorns.”
“Well, you’re wrong about that,” the player explained patiently.
Fox chuckled softly. “Come on, Leon. Even though this conversation seems important, it's time to go inside. Moreau needs to discuss something with Melody.”
Before the center could protest, Fox pulled him toward the door, through which Lucy still hadn’t returned.
“Who’s Melody?” Alvarez asked, still confused, and then they were gone.
Mel sat under her animal symbol on the coat room bench and sighed heavily. “Leon knows veeery little about art!” she stated earnestly. “He didn’t even recognize my cloud! And he thought my saw was a unicorn!”
“Well, he has bad eyesight,” Lucas murmured, smiling, and sat next to her. “Hey, Mel... You like Anna, don’t you?”
“I love her!” she said enthusiastically.
His smile widened. “Would you like it if she...came over a lot?”
Melody’s eyes lit up. “Is she your girlfriend after all?”
Oh, man. “Not yet, no,” he murmured.
“But you would like her to be?”
“I...” He swallowed. “Yeah, I would.”
“Cool.”
He almost laughed. In her eyes, everything was so simple. “Mel, it’s only that if she were my friend, a lot of people would suddenly be interested in us. And interested in you. There would be reporters. Our lives would be...harder than usual for a while.”
“Okay,” she said, blinking, her brow furrowed. “Would you be away more often?”
“No.”
She exhaled with relief. “What would be harder then?”
“Some kids might be mean to you.”
“Oh. But…” She swallowed before whispering as if revealing a secret, “...some are already mean.”
He gritted his teeth. “I know. But maybe they’d…get even meaner. And people would try to take your picture…”
“I like pictures.”
“Yes, but…you might get scared sometimes.”
She looked up at him and he knew she didn’t understand what he was talking about. He was about to explain it differently when she said, “I don’t have to be scared.”
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “No?”
“No.” She stuck out her lower lip. “Because… Mommy said I never have to be scared. Even when she’s gone. Because I have you.”
His eyes began to sting and his chest tightened. “She said that?”
“Yes. She said you’d look out for me.”
“I will,” he whispered seriously. “Always.”
“Then I’m not afraid,” she said lightly, jumping up and pulling on his hand. “Can you come in now? I want to show you off to everyone.”
Lucas stared at her as he let her pull him into the group room. It was so easy for her, wasn’t it? She trusted that he would do the right thing. That he would look out for her.
They walked through the door and twenty children glanced up.
“This is Lu,” Mel announced proudly. “He’s rich and a hockey player, and my family.”
A dark-haired boy stood up from his chair and rolled his eyes. “You’re lying! You have no family. No mother or father.”
Lucas’ throat tightened when he saw Melody’s eyes glistening. And when she turned to him and looked into his face, searching for help, he felt her gaze piercing his damned soul.
She didn’t know what she was getting herself into, but she knew what this very moment meant to her.
“Of course, she has a father,” he said softly, sinking to his knees beside her and pulling her into his arms. “That’s me.”