Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
Twenty-fifth encounter
“Have you ever been in love, Lucas?”
“Why do you ask?”
“My brother asked me today and I didn’t know. If I’ve ever been in love. I think because he's in love.”
“Ah.”
“Is it sad if the answer is no? I don’t even know if I can do that. Fall in love.”
“No.”
“No, it’s not sad? Or no, you think I’m capable of falling in love?”
He sighed heavily.
She laughed. “Is that too much conversation for you?”
“No. Mostly it’s just a waste of time.”
“Love?”
“No. Thinking about it. If it happens, it happens.”
Ice cream couldn’t solve all problems.
Anna hadn’t wanted to admit it, but when she felt not only mentally but physically awful on Monday morning, 36 hours and three cartons of ice cream later, she had to face it whether she liked it or not.
She had turned off her cell phone, rigorously ignored her brothers and friends, and shamelessly wallowed in self-pity. She didn’t want to hear from anyone that things would be okay, that he was just some guy, and she’d find someone better. Because that was bullshit!
Lucas was the calm to her storm. The light to her darkness. The spoon to her ice cream.
She had never met a person in her life with whom she felt so safe. With him, she hadn’t thought for a second that she shouldn't tell them what she thought, or that she had no right to her feelings. With him, she could be completely herself.
The problem with being an adult was that you couldn’t just stay home when you were heartbroken.
The only good thing was that neither Dax nor Lucas were currently at the stadium.
They were on that kindergarten PR assignment, so she wouldn’t run into either of them that morning.
Unfortunately, that didn’t apply to brother number two.
“Here you are,” Jack said softly, stepping into the treatment room.
Lips pursed, she turned to him. “I wasn’t hiding!”
“No, but you were ignoring us.”
“So you needed proof of that?" she replied dryly, turning her back on him and opening the filing cabinet. “You can go.”
Naturally, Jack wasn’t leaving. He was bad at following instructions.
“I’m hurt,” he stated calmly.
Snorting, she turned. “You’re not.”
“Yes, I am. My sister hurt my feelings because she didn’t trust me enough to tell me she was screwing a friend of mine and had contacted her father.”
“That had nothing to do with trust.”
“Of course it did, Anna. I’ve missed so much.” He looked at her intently. “I just...wish I’d been there for you. I’m not Dax. I wouldn’t have freaked out.”
“Oh, so you would have been happy if I’d told you that I’ve been sleeping with Lucas almost every week for a long time?”
Jack looked like she’d just thrown a raw fish at him. “First, no details. Please, have mercy. Second, I think happy is a strong word, but only because I know how hockey players tick. Most of us are categorically bad at maintaining relationships.”
“Lucas isn’t most of you,” she mumbled, mechanically pulling out the files of the players she had an appointment with later that day.
Jack sighed heavily. “Anna, can you stop for a minute and...talk to me?”
“No.”
“Please. You don’t look...well.”
“You know how to brighten any woman’s day.”
“You seem sad. That’s what I mean,” he said, frowning.
“I am sad, Jack,” she said wearily. “But it’s okay to be sad. Neither you nor Dax are obligated to...”
The door flew open and brother number one appeared in the doorway, panting. “Ha! Found you,” he exclaimed triumphantly.
“I work here,” she said incredulously. “I’m not hard to find.”
“Yeah, but you’re avoiding us. Which, for the record, I find truly shitty.”
“Dax, stop criticizing her,” Jack said, displeased.
“What? Honesty is important!” he replied, irritated. “Even though Anna obviously doesn’t know that.”
“Oh God,” she murmured, tilting her head back. “What are you doing here, Dax? You’re supposed to be entertaining kids.”
Dax clenched his jaw. “A...colleague told me all the ways I’m an asshole, and I couldn’t wait to straighten it out.”
She blinked. “Why are you pronouncing colleague so oddly?”
“Why the hell didn’t you answer any of our calls?” he countered. “We had no idea where you were. We even called fucking Moreau to see if you were with him, but...”
She swallowed and turned her back on him. Even hearing the name Moreau hurt.
“I went...for a walk. Cleared my head.”
“So, did it help?”
“No.”
“I thought so. That only works in movies,” Dax said contentedly. “Okay, listen, I’m actually here to apologize, but...”
“Apologies that start with but are my favorite!” she replied dryly.
“But...” Dax ignored her.
“Oh, Dax,” Jack muttered, rubbing his face.
“But – for crying out loud, can you all shut up? – I need some information first. Just about everything Moreau said made me furious and I...need reasons why he doesn’t deserve to have me mad at him forever. So, did that asshole break your heart?”
“No!” she exclaimed, perplexed. She had broken it herself.
Dax exhaled with relief. “Good. So there was nothing serious between you? You don’t have feelings for him or anything?”
Anna bit her lip and remained silent because she didn’t want to say it out loud. Doing it once had been hard enough.
“Fuck,” Dax stated tonelessly. “Okay. Then answer this: How long have you been sleeping together?
“We aren’t anymore.”
“How long, Anna?”
“A year,” she murmured.
“What?” Dax’s eyes widened. “We didn’t notice that you had a boyfriend for a whole year?” Shocked, he glanced at Jack, who seemed no less aghast. “How can that be?”
“You were...busy with your arguments and with women,” she replied weakly. “And we took breaks for a few weeks, even months. Besides, I made sure you didn’t find out, and...he’s not my boyfriend. He was never my boyfriend. He...”
“God, that bastard,” Jack muttered darkly. “He was the last person I imagined would hit on you, he...”
“He didn’t hit on me! I hit on him!” she exclaimed. “He didn’t do anything wrong. He even said no. Out of respect for you, Dax, or whatever, but I... I practically talked him into it, okay? Lucas isn’t to blame. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Oh man, she’s totally in love with him, Dax,” Jack said, pained. “So we can’t hate him. And she’s been so happy these past few weeks.”
“Shit, we’re lousy brothers,” Dax added, tormented.
“Speak for yourself. You made her feel guilty and because of you, she didn’t say anything about Temple Senior,” Jack stated tersely. “And you made sure she didn’t talk to me much, so she...”
“Oh, please!” Anna snapped. “Do you seriously believe it’s only because of Dax that I’ve had so little contact with you for all these years?
You hurt me too, Jack! You left me too, not just him.
You apologized to Dax, but never to me! It was always just about you two.
About your quarrel, about what you think of our parents, and what you want.
If it had been up to me, you two wouldn’t have gone a whole decade without speaking.
If you’d asked me what I wanted, if you’d considered me, I wouldn’t have had to keep secrets for half my life.
If you didn’t always act like you knew better than anyone else what was good for me, I probably would have told you about Lucas from the start!
” She sighed, took a deep breath, and ran her hand through her hair.
“I know you only want the best for me and that you’re still trying to protect me.
But...it’s too much. It was too much. I.
..” Her throat tightened, but she had to keep talking, otherwise, she might never get it out.
“At some point, I felt like I couldn’t achieve anything on my own.
I wouldn’t have become a doctor if Jack hadn’t driven me to the library every day and I wouldn’t have made it through college on my own because I didn’t have enough money.
I probably would have died of exhaustion during exam time if Dax hadn’t brought me food.
I probably wouldn’t have gotten a job here if I weren’t your sister.
How am I supposed to feel strong when you, with your constant protectiveness, make me feel like I can’t take care of myself? ”
Jack and Dax exchanged an uneasy glance.
“I always believed she was the smartest in the family,” Dax whispered much too loudly. “How can she be so wrong?”
“Dax!” she snapped, exasperated. “I...”
“You've never been weak, Anna,” Jack interrupted, calmly and gently. “If there’s one thing Dax and I have always agreed on – and there hasn’t been much, you know!
– it’s that you’re stronger than both of us combined.
Because you’re always trying to see everyone else’s perspective.
Because you stuck it out with Mom and Temple Senior the longest. Because you were the only one strong enough to forgive us every time we messed up.
Because you manage to be the better person.
The thing Dax and I have always failed at.
Because without you, we certainly wouldn’t be brothers again. ”
“We wanted to protect you because you’re.
..the only good thing in our family, Anna,” Dax said quietly, closing his eyes.
“The only one who kept us from getting needlessly angry and tearing the family apart even faster than it was already destroying itself. Because you had empathy for everyone. Even for our drunken, gambling-addicted dad, for our overwhelmed mother, and for that hotheaded brother and the other one who stole your allowance. You think you had no responsibility? That we were the ones protecting you?”
Jack shook his head firmly. “You had the responsibility of keeping us together, Anna. You protected us by making sure there was something important to us that was worth behaving for. You protected us by always showing up when our parents fought and when we fought. We all wanted to be better for you. It was always your standard for yourself to be good for us. And we wanted to live up to that too.”