14. Joey
All I”d been able to think about since the kiss on the couch was the way it had felt to be the sole focus of John”s attention. I”d known him forever, but my best friend had always been laser focused on success. First in school, then in hockey.
I”d never questioned why. John had good reasons to escape his circumstances and his athletic talent was his ticket.
But I”d never wished that focus might waver for a few moments as much as I wished for it now. Or really, as much as I”d started wishing for it as soon as I”d arrived in Virginia and seen him again.
John was everything he”d been in school—kind, conscientious, respectful. But now, in addition to being incredibly talented, he was also ridiculously attractive. Truth be told, I”d always been attracted to John, and there was a time when I”d been certain it was mutual—I”d even convinced myself he”d take me to his hockey banquet senior year.
But the way I felt about him in high school was nothing like the almost painful desire I had for him to put his hands on me now. I wanted him in a way that was foreign to me, startling. I”d had intimate moments with Evan, of course, but they”d never zinged with fire and tension like the few moments I”d spent in John”s arms.
A distant part of me worried this was what a rebound felt like—I didn’t know, since I’d never had enough experience to need to rebound. A date here and there, nothing too exciting until I’d started seeing Evan. And we knew how that turned out.
But this?
I didn”t know if it was our shared history, or the somewhat random nature of our reunion, and I didn”t really care. Because at that moment, John was kissing me, and it was everything.
Fire.
Ice.
Cataclysm.
Rebirth.
I pulled him closer to me, feeling like I needed to be part of him, melded with him, and he responded by scooping me off my feet with one arm banding my back and the other lifting me under my butt. My mind was a rushing swirl, and I lost track of everything but him. I expected we”d turn toward the bedrooms, but instead, John backed me up until I was sitting on his kitchen counter, my knees on either side of him and his mouth on mine.
My hands explored all the hard ridges and planes of muscle on his back, the soft threads of his thick dark hair. And my mouth couldn”t get enough of his clever tongue, his delicious lips. Soon I was writhing where I sat, pulling him close to relieve the building pressure at my core.
For a terrifying moment, John stepped back, pulling his mouth from mine and leaving me with a gaping emptiness where he”d been. Oh god, don”t let him change his mind.
But the full lips I loved pulled into a lazy smile as John”s dark eyes found mine, and his hands moved to my waist again, tracing lines up beneath the hem of my shirt.
”Take it off,” I begged, needing his hands on my skin, needing contact and heat and...something.
He didn”t waste time, lifting the shirt over my head and then making a noise in the back of his throat as he looked at me—half groan, half gasp.
”You”re so beautiful, Joey. Every bit of you.”
His words made me bold, and more than that—I believed them when he said them. Evan had said similar things, but in those situations, it had always felt like Evan”s compliments were somehow about himself. As if my attributes only mattered because they reflected him.
But John? His face told me everything I needed to know. His warm eyes and easy smile had morphed into something close to adulation as he looked at me, and when his hands slid across my bare skin, it was like his touch was bonding us together, sealing our skin.
I pulled at the back of his shirt until he helped me and pulled it off over his head. His hands found my breasts, cupping me through the lacy fabric of my bra as his mouth left hot little trails across my chest. Just when I thought I would explode from the anticipation, he snapped open my bra and removed it, his thumb finding one hard nipple as he took the other in his mouth. I heard myself gasp as my hands ran through his hair, pulling him to me.
John took his time, licking and nipping my breasts, my stomach, rising again to take my mouth. And I pulsed and vibrated there on the counter, desperate both to have him and to never have this moment end. Our kiss had unlocked the door I”d thought I”d sealed shut—the one I”d wanted to open in high school, the one it had become clear John would never walk through.
But now?
We weren”t in high school anymore. Things had changed. So many things. And as my best friend unsnapped my jeans and pulled them carefully down, helping me remove one leg and then the other, it was clear that the door had been blown wide open. And we were moving through.
John peeled my jeans from my legs, helping me out of my sandals as I watched him—careful, courteous.
And then, he lowered himself, his big hands landing on the outsides of my thighs as his hot breath hit my center, pulling a groan from somewhere deep inside me. God, I wanted... something. This. More. Everything.
When he brought his tongue to the fabric between my legs, swiping one hot, firm, confident lick up my center, I heard myself invoke the name of god. And when he slipped the fabric to the side and began systematically breaking through every last one of my rational thoughts using his tongue, his fingers... I let go.
”John, I can”t... I don”t...”
“Do you want me to stop?” he paused, ever the gentleman.
“No!” I nearly yelled it. “I just don’t know if I can...”
”Yeah, you can,” he whispered, his breath hot right where I needed it.
One of his arms went around the back of me, scooting my ass closer to his face at the edge of the counter. He left that arm there, bracing me as I raked both hands into his hair and tossed my head back, sensation rolling through me and cresting into a wave I thought might actually kill me when it broke.
”There you go, baby. Good girl.” John”s soft words sent me flying over the edge. Some girls needed dirty talk, I knew. But it turned out, all I needed was to hear John Samuels call me his baby, his good girl, and I was done for.
I was just coming down, returning to myself, when John rose and scooped me from the counter and into his arms. He held me against his chest like I weighed nothing, and moved his head to wipe his mouth across his shoulder before kissing me fiercely.
”That was...”
”Not done,” John said, carrying me through the house and into his bedroom at the end of the hall. He deposited me gently in the center of the big wide bed, and then smiled down at me. ”You need anything?”
”Only you,” I told him, reaching for him.
The look that crossed his face at those words nearly sent me over the edge again, and I knew in that moment that this could become complicated. These feelings—mine and his—they weren”t simple. They were bound up in years of mutual admiration, teenaged lust, and deep-rooted friendship. I didn”t know what the outcome of tonight”s time together would be, but I was lucid enough to know it would change something between us forever.
But it didn”t matter. I couldn”t stop it. I wanted it too much.
John stretched out over me, kissing me for long leisurely moments as if we had all the time in the world.
His palm slid up the side of my body, leaving a trail of heat in its wake.
”Your pants,” I said, realizing he was still clothed.
He rolled and removed them, having pushed off his shoes in the kitchen, and then moved back to rest at my side. I let my own hand slide down the planes of his body and finally stop when I found what I sought. When my fingers wrapped him, his eyes dropped shut and he inhaled a long, shaky breath.
I stroked him, loving the way he moved in my hand. I tested different rhythms and pressures, measuring his reaction in the fervor with which he kissed me. Finally, he grunted and shifted his weight so he was on top of me, pushing my hand away, but never letting my mouth go for more than a second.
He leaned to the side, and I heard him rummaging in a drawer, then he was kneeling over me again, sliding a condom onto his length as my body coiled in preparation. My cells vibrated, my mind fizzed and popped, and everything inside me quivered with need.
John leaned forward again, kissing me gently as he notched himself at my entrance. My hands found his back, and I pressed and pulled, wanting him closer, faster. But he took his time, sliding into me a centimeter at a time and then back out, kissing me with each soft thrust until I couldn”t take it anymore.
I lifted my hips, taking him in, and that seemed to trigger a spring inside him. He pumped with a grunt, and the sound of his feral need just about threw me off the top of that high cliff again. I wanted him, and there was no doubt he wanted me every bit as much—it was as stimulating as the act itself to know every ounce of desire was mutual.
John pulled out again and then thrust into me, and I encouraged him, lifting my hips, unable to stop the noises coming from deep inside me. He pumped and I took it, each thrust awakening something in me that was primed to explode.
When it happened, it was practically simultaneous, and I came with my eyes on John”s handsome face. Watching the pleasure I saw there, knowing I”d given that to him was satisfying. And when his eyes found mine and he gritted his teeth together just before letting out a guttural stream of words, I felt like I”d won a prize. John fell back over me, bracing his weight with his forearms as his back heaved under my hands.
”Amazing,” I said.
”Amazing,” he repeated.
After a little while, he rolled to the side of me and excused himself to clean up. He came back with a warm washcloth and snuggled back in at my side, and I rolled to face him in the darkness. I could see his face in the glow from the clock at his bedside, and I traced the outline of his lips now.
”You”re so gorgeous, Joey,” he said. ”But I feel like I need to tell you how much more than that you are to me.”
”You don”t need to say anything,” I told him.
”I want to.”
I put my finger in the center of his lips, stilling his words. ”I don”t think we should.”
His eyebrows drew together in confusion.
”Let it be what it is. I don”t want to ruin anything.” I didn”t want to examine what had happened because we might find out it had been a mistake. One we could never come back from. And just in case that was true, I didn’t want him to make it worse. Some part of me thought he might regret what we’d just shared, and I didn’t think I could take it if he said words he didn’t mean on top of everything else. ”I just want to enjoy the moment.”
His dark eyes dropped shut and I thought he”d gone to sleep, but after a moment they opened again, something sad hiding in the depths. ”Okay, Joey.”
I drifted to sleep, everything inside me hoping maybe one day I”d hear him call me baby again.
* * *
When I woke, for a moment I wasn”t sure quite where I was. But the big bed around me, and the soft blue sheets covering me all smelled like John, and the night before came rushing back. I stretched, reaching to my side and hoping to find him there, but all I found was empty sheets. I opened my eyes and stretched, sore in so many different ways, but all of them good. All of them reminding me that my life had shifted dramatically, and this pain was growth. My biceps and hamstrings reminded me that I”d increased my weight the last time I”d worked out—I was getting stronger. And my abs twinged when I moved. Soreness meant progress, meant change. There was something delicious about knowing I had done that—I was controlling it.
And then there was the soreness between my legs. I still wasn”t sure what to make of the developments between John and me. Could we go on now as if nothing had happened? Did I want to?
I was about to rise, to follow the smell of bacon that I detected wafting from the front of the house, when Hank leapt onto the bed beside me. He stalked slowly up from the foot toward my head, his green-eyed gaze inscrutable as he took careful steps through the twisted sheets.
”I know what you”re thinking,” I told him, feeling awkward in front of the cat suddenly, like I”d done something wrong. ”But Sammy and I have been friends forever.”
The cat dropped his back end next to my shoulder and continued to inspect me with his assessing stare. He didn”t say anything—and the fact I thought he might was probably of concern, but my head wasn”t quite straight.
He was probably thinking that it was wrong of me to come in here, messing up John”s life and now starting something between us that would probably go nowhere because I had no idea where I was going.
”I know,” I moaned. ”You”re probably right.” I sat up and sighed, pulling the sheet up to cover myself in front of Hank.
Hank lifted a paw to inspect, licked it and rubbed it along the side of his face, and then dropped it again, his attention returning to me. He seemed to be suggesting that I couldn”t avoid whatever discussion John had been trying to start last night forever.
”I should go talk to him. I know you”re right.”
”Are you talking to Hank?” John appeared in the doorway, dressed for the gym. He leaned one arm up high on the door, making his muscles pop as he tilted his head to look at me.
”Maybe.” I hugged the sheets tighter to my body. I was clearly losing my mind. I had been talking to the cat. I”d actually been conversing with the cat, if you wanted to get technical.
”He”s a good listener. Kind of judgmental, though,” John said, a smile in his tone.
”He is,” I agreed. ”I”m worried he”s judging me right now.”
”He probably is,” John dropped his arm and stepped into the room. ”But his is only one opinion. And his experience of the world is fairly limited.”
I looked at the cat, who seemed fairly confident in his opinions despite John”s suggestion that he wasn”t terribly worldly.
”Anyway, I made some bacon and eggs,” he said. ”Came in to see if you were ready to get up.”
”No green smoothie today?”
”I made those too.”
I made a face, though I was coming to like John”s protein smoothies. ”But bacon, you say?”
”Yes, Joey. There”s bacon.”
”Real bacon or that turkey stuff I saw in the fridge?” John seemed determined to substitute all the good things I loved with lesser versions that I did not love.
”I made both.” John lowered himself to the foot of the bed, and then crawled over my legs until he reached my face. ”We”ll eat,” he whispered, just inches from my mouth, his dark eyes glowing. ”And then we can go work out.”
I was about to protest, but his mouth found mine, and my brain began to short-circuit. Just as I relaxed into the kiss, it occurred to me that I hadn”t even brushed my teeth. I pulled back and threw a hand over my mouth. ”Dragon breath,” I said.
”Not even close,” John answered, his voice sexy and gruff. ”But if you hadn”t stopped that, the eggs would”ve gotten cold.”
I raised an eyebrow. ”I could eat cold eggs.”
”Don”t tempt me.”
”Don”t move,” I told him, dashing out from beneath the covers to the guest room bath where my toothbrush lived. I returned to John”s room a few minutes later, to find him on his back, arms crossed behind his head.
”You look awfully smug,” I told him, lingering in the doorway. I”d pulled on the Wombats shirt he”d loaned me.
”Yeah?” he asked, a lazy smile taking over his face. ”Wanna see if you can desmugify me?”
I moved toward the bed, crossing my arms as I stood at the foot. ”That is not a word.”
”Prove it,” he said. But before I could do anything of the sort, he sat up quickly and reached for my hand, tugging me onto the mattress with him. I let myself be guided over him until I was lying on top of him, our faces just inches apart.
”Is this a good idea?” I asked, wanting to kiss him more than I could remember wanting anything.
”I think it”s an incredible idea,” he said, and his arms went around me as our mouths found each other again.
This morning”s sex was playful and light, though there was plenty of the desperate need I”d felt the night before. But John let me work my way down his body this time, and just when I was about to take him into my mouth, he flipped me onto my back and took over.
We took turns exploring one another, and it felt like an equitable push and pull, give and take. And unlike any other sexual experience I”d had—it was fun. We laughed as much as anything else, and when I climaxed, sitting astride him with my head thrown back, it felt like everything was exactly right. The world was good, and happy, and I was here with my very best friend. A man I”d always loved at least a little bit.
”You”re so goddamn sexy, baby,” he said, pulling me down to kiss him again. And the word nestled inside me, cocooning into a soft nest where I could keep it safe and take it out whenever I wanted to feel loved and happy. John made me feel that way.
I realized, as I lay at his side, my hand toying with the ridges along his torso, that he always had.
”What are we doing at the gym today?” I asked him, rolling to perch my chin on his chest so I could look up into his handsome face.
His hand stroked my back, sending warm shivers up and down the sensitive skin there. ”Shoulders and core.”
”Fun,” I moaned, but my reluctance was mostly feigned. I liked the changes I was seeing in my body, the way I felt inside. I was getting stronger physically, and surprisingly, it was making me feel strong in other ways.
John kissed me again and then we slid out of bed and went to eat and work out.
It was a darn near perfect Sunday.