Chapter 25
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FIVE
ALISA
The bed swings lazily, moving back and forth as I type, and the breeze cools my skin as I flush from the scene I’m writing.
I found a website that allows me to write at the same time as other writers in a timed setting.
For some reason, it appeals to my competitive nature and helps my words flow easier.
The website is a body doubling site with different types of features available.
They have group chats to help you find someone to sit on a video call while you clean your house with them and all sorts of other things.
I can see the benefits of having a buddy for life, though I never show my face on camera.
Instead, I’m just another faceless person on the internet.
I prefer it this way and it feels safer.
Finished! Going to take a break. I’ll be on later. Logging off the site, I glance up as the back door closes. Cassidy looks nervous as she walks over to me. My brows pull down into a frown as I watch her, wondering why she’s here.
I’m very solitary and for the most part, I prefer it.
I also find that a schedule helps me feel productive.
I get up in the morning when my pack does, have breakfast, and then come outside to get a little sun.
Sometimes, I go for a walk once the guys are done running, but I enjoy the simplicity of it.
I’ve had more than enough excitement in my life. I simply want to exist and find a little happiness for myself.
Shutting the computer, I hug it to my chest. I’m not exactly dressed for visitors.
Troy is at practice and on a whim, I pulled on one of his button up shirts with a pair of leggings.
The memory of how Lyle pushed me against the wall and kissed the fuck out of me has me breathing deeply to center myself.
“Hi, Cassidy,” I say softly.
Should I ask her who let her in? Would this be rude? Ugh, I’m terrible in social situations.
“Can I talk to you for a second?”
As she lifts a chair to bring it over, the breeze pulls her loose dress tightly to her torso and stomach, showing off a baby bump. I’ve never noticed it before, but then I also have a habit of not paying attention to other people’s bodies.
A wistful smile curls my lips, but I don’t congratulate her. It’s none of my business.
“Sure.”
She’s sitting down anyway, it’s not as if I can tell her I don’t want to talk. I’m also kind of curious about what she has to say. Cassidy licks her lips nervously as she gazes at me, and her arms curl around herself as she thinks.
“Your nails are pretty. Sorry, I just noticed them.”
“Silas painted them,” I reply, shrugging. They’re a pretty lilac color, and my fingernails now match my toes. I had mentioned I wanted to paint them, and he asked if he could do it for me.
“That’s a side of him I haven’t seen,” she says, chuckling. “I wasn’t sure before, but I think you may be good for them.”
“Oh.”
“I think…I may have allowed your reputation to precede you…”
I almost say ‘oh’ again but bob my head instead. Of course she did.
“I’m a terrible person. I’m not surprised.”
All I can do is own it, right? I’ve done some pretty fucked up shit. I won’t even defend myself. Survival isn’t an excuse.
Hugging the computer tighter to myself, I ignore the bite of pain as it digs into my sternum.
“What? Why would you say that?” Cassidy asks. She almost sounds appalled.
“Ah, because it’s the truth?” Blinking rapidly, I stare at my knees as I curl tightly into myself. “There’s really no excuse for how I’ve behaved in the past. Can you tell Winter and Chase I’m really sorry?”
I’m shivering uncontrollably, and I grit my teeth to try to keep it from showing.
“They’ve both already forgiven you. I’m the one who had a problem. You’re very different than they are.”
Because they had each other. I had no one.
“Hmm. I’ve been on my own for a long time.”
Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I force myself to remember to breathe.
I’ve noticed that when I’m writing something with heavy emotion, I forget.
Then I end up dizzy and feeling terrible.
It’s such a simple thing most people don’t have an issue with, and shows how terrible I am at being a person.
I’m not normal and I never will be.
“Alisa?”
“Yeah.”
I bite down on the inner part of my lower lip to focus, and suck in another breath. I don’t know where anyone is, though I can feel the warmth of my bond with Silas. He can’t be too far then.
Raising my eyes to meet Cassidy’s gaze, I watch as she visibly flinches.
“I’m making everything worse,” she whispers.
“You’re not. I just try not to think about it. If I bury it far enough, sometimes I can focus on being happy. It doesn’t ever last for long.”
My voice is dead and I don’t recognize it. Why can’t I just be normal?
Breathe, Alisa.
I imagine Silas’ voice as I force myself to take another breath and set the laptop aside. I bruise easily and I don’t want to explain dark marks along my ribs. Tugging on my braid, I begin to unravel it as I think. I keep my eyes down as I do this, staring at Cassidy’s legs.
“I learned very early that sex was transactional. I needed to keep the people around me happy or I’d end up hurt. I had this instilled in me at too early of an age, before I could really understand how wrong it was…”
Cassidy remains quiet as I yank hard on my braid. I’m using the pain to stay on topic but I can feel her distress with every yank. I simply can’t get myself to stop.
“Being hurt wasn’t simple… I watched people disappear and never come back before I landed at Slick Dreams. I was punished at a facility for not being a virgin, even though it wasn’t something I chose. I don’t think many people would choose this at fourteen.”
If she knows my brothers, she knows how old I was when I was kidnapped. I ignore her hiss because I’m too far gone in my head.
“Being waterboarded to do something you physically can’t is a very unpleasant experience.
I was once asked if I wanted to be lobotomized to be useful and I almost said yes because it hurt too much to be me.
If I couldn’t do anything more than drool, then maybe people would stop trying to force something outside of my control.
When I got to Slick Dreams, I was already ruined.
“I found ways to attempt to stay safe, but it all backfired on me.”
I smell the scent of lightning before I see Silas and I fall back onto the pillows behind me as I look at him with tear ravaged eyes.
“Cassidy.”
She flinches as if she was hit, and I doubt she realized he was even there as she twists in her seat to look at him.
“I came to apologize, Silas. I don’t know how I managed to fuck that up too.”
“If you want to make something up to her, find me the people who fucking did this to her,” he growls.
“Lyle is running for office to fix the city, because the Packs asked him to. I’m meeting with everyone possible to make this happen, and you’re making my omega cry! How the fuck is this a fair trade off?”
“It’s not,” she whispers, tears running down her face. “I’ll speak to Abbott. We haven’t been working hard enough on this…”
“Stop.”
I don’t have any kind of alpha power in my voice, but I still command attention with that one word. Cassidy’s eyes are full of tears as she turns back to me and Silas rakes his hand through his hair.
“She came over to talk to me and I went to make tea. I didn’t realize she was out here,” he says. “You’re upset.”
“It happens,” I shrug. “That’s life. Don’t be mad at her.”
“He’s right though. I’ve been so wrapped up in the baby and Winter is pregnant too, I dropped the ball,” Cassidy says, swiping tears from her face.
Winter is pregnant. That’s nice. I feel myself disappearing and my ears ring as my eyes become unfocused.
“Hey. Alisa!”
“I’m here,” I mumble. It’s the same unattached response I gave Cassidy and I feel the bed move as someone clambors up it.
“What did I say?” Cassidy asks.
“Nothing,” I whisper. “I’m really happy for you both.”
Strong arms pull me into their lap and I blink at Silas.
“Alisa, I’m sorry.” Cassidy’s voice is full of pain and I shrug as I lay my head on my alpha’s shoulder.
“It’s for the best.”
Ugliness fills my mind and I force myself to escape it. I feel so many conflicting emotions…
“I’m right here,” Silas reminds me, kissing my hair.
Nodding as I drift, I pull on my braid again.
“Don’t hurt yourself, baby.”
“I have to…”
“No, you don’t,” Cassidy says. “Trust me. Once you start, it’s really hard to stop.”
“Hmm.” I don’t want to ask her what she knows about it. I keep saying I’m a terrible person, but I don’t want to be one anymore.
“No one would blame you for unleashing on her,” Silas murmurs. “Your brain feels like a steel box. I can’t feel anything right now.”
“If you can’t say anything nice, you shouldn’t say anything at all,” I reply stubbornly.
“Yeah, I definitely deserve that,” Cassidy sighs.
“When I was a lot younger than I am now, my mother thought it would be a good idea to force me to socialize with a bunch of guys my age. Things happened that I couldn’t escape, and my best friend saved me.
I…Everything inside of me hurt, Alisa. The world felt too loud, and I hated that I couldn’t protect myself. ”
“No one can protect themselves a hundred percent of the time,” I sigh.
I feel very detached from myself and cold. Fuck, my teeth are chattering. Silas pulls a blanket from the far end of the bed and wraps me up in it, his hands rubbing over my skin to attempt to dispel the chill.
“Make your point, Cassidy, and then get the fuck out of my house. She’s not doing so hot.”
“Okay. Shit. I started cutting myself to shut off the noise, and then I couldn’t stop.
One day it’s yanking on your hair to feel the way it pulls at the roots, and the next you’re watching the blood run down your thighs with blank eyes.
That’s a hole you don’t need to go down, Alisa.
Look at Silas. You have four incredible alphas who love you. ”
But do I deserve them? Do I really deserve any of this?