Chapter 25 #2
“Alisa,” Silas whispers in my ear, making me blow out the breath I’m holding. “You’re not thinking about hurting yourself, right?”
“No,” I say honestly. “Doc might kill me for fucking up his hard work.”
“I heard that!” Doc yells from the cottage.
“That’s not funny,” Cassidy mutters.
“It’s a little funny,” I counter. “Look, I’m not great with people. I never would have known you didn’t like me if you didn’t tell me. I just kind of assume I’m unlikeable.”
“You’re going to break Cassidy,” Silas murmurs.
“Who said you were unlikeable?” Cassidy asks, wide eyed. “I just want to talk to them, maybe break a few of their fingers.”
Silas holds me tighter as my lips twitch, though I can’t muster the energy to laugh.
“I have all the information you sent me, Silas. I’m going to get going and have Abbott and Shiloh begin working on it.
Alisa, I don’t think you’re awkward at all.
I see an unending ocean of pain in your eyes.
I have no idea how you find the will to get up every day, but I think it’s admirable.
The biggest way to give those who have hurt you the middle finger is by living your life.
Hopefully we can talk again, and maybe we won’t both end up crying. ”
“Please let Abbott know I wasn’t responsible for that,” Silas says, his hands continuing to rub my back. I sink against him, focusing on the magic of his deep tissue massage.
“I will. I stuck my nose where it didn’t belong,” she sighs.
Cassidy walks out the side gate, leaving me to wince at her words.
“She meant well…”
“Doesn’t matter,” he growls. “Cassidy knows how to speak to people, and she keeps fucking up where you’re concerned.”
“Alisa.” Doc walks over to me, frowning as he glances at the door. “What the fuck happened?”
“I’m trying to warm her up, but she can’t stop shivering,” Silas says. “Cassidy upset her when she came out to apologize to her.”
“Then she sucks at apologies. Alisa. What’s one thing you can smell?”
“Silas and lightning,” I rasp, dropping my head back to bury my nose in my alpha’s throat.
“So Cassidy pissed you off,” Doc says to Silas. “Tell me something you can see that’s not people.”
I can tell he’s trying to ground me. Sometimes, I look up techniques to manage my panic, but pain always seems to work best for me.
I hear a bird and attempt to find it. A pretty blue and white bird plays in the ceramic bird bath and I dip my chin in its direction.
“Words, Little Fighter,” Silas reminds me.
“There’s a bird in the bath…” my voice feels as if it’s coming from a long distance away, and the doctor purses his lips.
“What else?”
“Anyone home?” A voice calls out teasingly.
“Lyle,” I whisper. “I don’t want him to see me like this.”
“He’s all in too, good and the bad, baby girl. Out here!”
“Should I turn off the kettle? It’s screaming,” Lyle calls out.
“Shit. Yeah, please,” Silas says. “I almost burned the house down.”
“I think sugar is going to help this one time,” Doc says, glancing at the house.
“Lars’ lemon squares are probably defrosted by now,” Silas says. “I was going to bring them out to Alisa.”
“My brother said he’s sending a care package soon.”
I got a phone yesterday, despite telling my alphas I don’t need one. I’ve spoken a bit to Hollis, Lars, and Caleb, though I’m careful what I say to them.
“Hopefully it’s more lemon squares,” Doc grunts, heading toward the house.
“Lyle can get it,” Silas calls out.
“Hush! I’m taking care of my patient.”
“Well, damn. Talk to me, sweet girl. You feel like a live wire.”
“It feels as if I’m being shocked with electricity,” I chatter. “And I’m so cold.”
“Alisa.” Lyle pulls off his suit jacket as he gets onto the bed with us, and I see he’s already kicked off his shoes. It’s an odd thing to notice, but they’re always so careful not to track dirt into the house.
“Lean forward, sweetheart. I want to wrap this around you,” Silas says. Now I have Lyle’s jacket wrapped around me and I’m a human burrito. Still, his scent wraps around me along with Silas and Troy’s and I burrow into them.
Bonding with Silas has helped dispel some of the other shit Alpha Bret had in my system. Troy is definitely mine and so is Easton. Doc doesn’t want me to bond with anyone else yet, stating the shock to my system may kill me. It’s so fucking unfair.
Lyle wraps his arm around me and snuggles with Silas and I, allowing me to be wrapped in a cocoon of warmth.
“Keep breathing, sweet girl,” he whispers.
Doc hurries back out with the dessert and Lyle hand feeds it to me since I’m burrowed under the blanket. The sugar dissolves on my tongue slowly and I whimper as I chew slowly. I can’t even feel my fucking toes. It’s as if the blood stopped flowing to integral parts of my body.
“Maybe I should go to therapy,” I mumble sarcastically.
“None of that,” Doc growls. “If you’re going to do it, it’ll be for the right reasons, not because you think you’re a basket case. You’re not. What was all of this about?”
“Cassidy reminded me I can’t outrun my past.”
Bending down to find my tumbler, Doc picks it up so Silas can help me drink some water.
“Explain,” Doc grunts.
“I’ve done questionable things to others while believing I was looking out for myself,” I say slowly.
“You’re being very careful with your words,” Silas murmurs, his arm wrapped around my waist. “You were just as much a victim in that situation.”
“But how do you know that?” I wail. Closing my eyes, I shake my head. I’m still upset about this, and it’s not going to help my nervous system.
“I know based on what you’ve told me and how you speak to people,” he says. “You’re not a diva. I’m probably more of one than you are. I can serve cunt with the best of them, baby girl. You just want to be loved and happy. You’re not scheming.”
“Trust me, it’s exhausting to be a scheming bitch,” I grumble. “I’m retired.”
Doc hides a smile as I pout and Lyle chuckles.
“I’m sorry, it’s not funny. I swear it’s not. You’ve done bad things, but you aren't a bad person, baby,” he says.
“Seems like you’re splitting hairs.”
“I’m never going to blow smoke up your ass,” Doc says. “You know the difference between right and wrong, yeah?”
“Yep.”
“We all do bad shit for different reasons, Alisa. Eat more of the lemon bar, please.” Wrinkling my nose at him, I obediently take the bite offered to me by Lyle.
I’m not going to lie, the sugar is helping the shakes.
I don’t know what magic there is in these lemon squares, but they can fix anything. “What matters is how we move forward.”
“Is there therapy for how to interact with people? I don’t know how to talk to my brothers. There’s this huge sign hanging over my head and it seems to be all they can think about.”
“I have a few people who may be able to help,” Doc shrugs.
“That’s very ‘I got a guy’ of you,” I snort.
“Oh she’s got jokes. I liked that one,” he grins. “As a doctor, they’re called referrals, thank you very much.”
Lyle’s shoulders shake as he hides his face, while I finally find my giggle.
“That’s my girl,” Silas breathes.
“You can talk about whatever you want with this person,” Doc continues, ignoring my alphas. “If you need to go somewhere and you’re worried about how to interact with them, you can role play with the therapist. I’ll fucking kill him if he steps outside of the boundaries of his job, okay?”
“Promise?” I ask.
“You can help,” Doc shrugs. “How is the writing going?”
“It’s frustrating.”
“Okay then. I want you to go to the shooting range and shoot something, Alisa. Feel annoyed? Find something to beat up. Mad? Scream into a pillow. You’re so worried about people noticing you.
Everything builds up and then your nervous system reminds you of why you shouldn’t do that.
As for what people think of you? Fuck them.
Cassidy doesn’t have a leg to stand on.”
“Even she doesn’t understand her own behavior,” Silas sighs. “I have a shed I’m going to clear out toward the edge of the property. I’m going to go to a yard sale and buy things to fill it with. Smash the fuck out of it all. See if it helps.”
These are all good. Will it be enough? I don’t know.
“I’m afraid I’ll never fit together again.”
“Why do you want to?” Doc asks. “The things you went through shaped who you are now. The deadly, sharp parts match your alphas. You think they want a debutante?”
Silas snorts so hard, he startles me and I squeal in fright.
“I’m sorry,” he chuckles, squeezing me tightly.
“I don’t fucking want a debutante that’ll prattle on about dumb shit and doesn’t have a thought in their head.
I want you. You may feel as if you’re stumbling along, but it means we get a front row seat to watch you blossom.
I plan to celebrate every moment with you. ”
Lyle lifts one of my hands from under the blanket and rubs his thumb over my nails.
“Everything is fun with you,” he says. “It’s a breath of fresh air compared to some of the mothers trying to marry their daughters off to us. You’re ours. It’s as simple as that.”
“I’ll talk to the therapist,” I say, nodding to Doc to show I’m serious.
“Sounds good. Feeling better?”
“Yeah. I’m sleepy though.”
“Listen to your body,” Doc says. “You have two perfectly good alphas to snuggle you. Enjoy it.”
“Yes, because we really don’t have anything better to do. I’m tired of people. I could use some time to turn off the world,” Lyle adds.
“Just like that?” I ask.
“Fuck yes. The phones are on silent, anyone who needs us has a damn key to the house.”
Doc takes the empty plate with an amused expression as Lyle and Silas adjust their positions until they’re spooning me on either side.
“Listen to your body,” Doc says, heading back into the house. “I’ll make sure everything is closed up and then head out.”
“Thanks, Doc.”
My breathing evens out as Silas presses his body against my back, and Lyle hitches my leg over his hip. As my eyes close, I realize I haven’t had a nightmare since the bond. I don’t know why, but I’m so very grateful for it.
Maybe Silas is the guardian to my soul. It’s a pretty thought, isn’t it?