Chapter Forty Perfect Love
ZANDER
Fuck, I can’t sleep. Again.
I haven’t been able to get a decent night’s sleep for the past month. Pretty much since Rylee left for Ireland, honestly.
Loneliness has been eating away at me. I’ve thought of nothing but her. I’ve even been texting her, but there’s a part of me that’s still holding back. That’s not ready to totally go all in with her again.
Even hanging with my family over the holidays has done little to make me feel better.
I can’t stop thinking of Rylee and remembering how great things were when she was here with me not that long ago.
Even now, lying in my bed in my parents’ house, all I can seem to think of is what I did with her when she was in this bed with me at Thanksgiving.
That seems so long ago. It’s almost the new year, and after the shitty way this one ended, I’m not feeling all that celebratory.
Sighing, I shove the blankets away and climb out of bed. No reason to keep lying here and fantasizing about Rylee riding me into oblivion.
Leaving my room, I make my way downstairs toward the kitchen. As I pass the living room, I see the glow from the TV so I pop inside to see what’s going on.
Rosie is sitting on the couch, watching some rom-com with a bowl of candy perched on her belly. She’s wearing the Rudolph pajama set Mom got her for Christmas and her short curls are pushed back from her face with a green headband. She looks up at me in surprise, and then sympathy.
“Can’t sleep?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No. You can’t either?”
She sighs and rubs her stomach. “Baby is squirming a lot. Can’t seem to get comfortable, so mommy can’t be comfortable either I guess.”
“That sucks,” I reply, but the pang in my chest I’m feeling goes a lot deeper than my words. What if I don’t get to have that now? A kid of my own - a cousin for Rosie’s baby? I only ever imagined a future like that with Rylee.
She pats the cushion next to her and I sit. We watch the movie in silence for several minutes, but I know my sister better than to think she’s going to keep her thoughts to herself for long.
“So… you want to talk about it?” she asks at last.
“Talk about what?” I feign ignorance.
“Rylee.” She looks over at me. “The whole family has been dancing around the topic, but we can see how miserable you are.”
“You saw the article,” I grumble.
“Yeah, and I also saw the retraction.”
I shrug. “Doesn’t change that she wrote what she did. Even if she didn’t mean to publish it, and even if it got edited, those thoughts still originally came from her.”
She scoffs. “Is that really what’s going on? Admit it. You miss her. A lot.”
I don’t want to admit that she’s right, but I know it’s no use. My sisters have always been able to see right through me.
“Sure, I miss her,” I confess. “I thought she was it for me, but now I’m not so sure.”
Rosie reaches over and takes my hand, giving it a squeeze.
“Zander, I know how badly you’ve always wanted a family. You’ve seen Lauren, Paige, and I in our relationships, and of course Mom and Dad. You’ve learned to be a caretaker, and you’re a good man, and I know you’ll be a great husband and father someday, but that all takes work!”
I’m taken aback by her sudden switch in tone.
"You think I don't know that? I've put in the work. I fought to win her. To not lose her when I messed up."
"You did. But then you stopped."
I look at her in shock
"What? Did you think once the relationship was solidified that it would be easy?"
“What are you talking about?” I demand to know. “All you guys have seemingly picture-perfect relationships.”
She rolls her eyes. “Do you honestly think that I don’t mess up?
That I don’t make mistakes? That sometimes Kyle needs to fight for me more than I fight for him, or vice-versa?
” Her voice grows firmer as she speaks. “It takes work on both sides, and you might feel like you’ve been doing it all and deserve more from her, but it’s obvious that’s exactly what she’s doing.
But you still have to meet her the rest of the way there. ”
I run a hand through my hair and shake my head. “I don’t know, Rosie. It might be too late.”
She lets out a frustrated huff of breath.
“Do you know how lucky you are to have found the love you have with Rylee? It’s not one that comes around all that often.
If you love Rylee, you need to give her the chance to prove she loves you back and give her a second chance.
We all know you’ll regret it if you don’t. ”
Damn… she sees right through me.
And, honestly, she’s right. I know she’s right. Rylee is putting in the work. She’s facing her issues and taking care of things. Hell, she’s in fucking Ireland! Hanging with her Dad! That’s a big fucking deal.
Still, she needs to be the one to fix this. If she wants to be with me, I need her to show me.
“I’ll think about it,” I tell Rosie, just to make her feel better. “I just need time.”
She gives me a long look before nodding. “Okay, that’s fair, but don’t think for too long. Eventually she’ll come to the realization that it’s time to move on and you’ll be too late.”
Rosie rests her head on my shoulder and we sit in silence as we watch her movie, but I’m notreally paying attention. I’m thinking of Rylee and figuring out if there’s still a way to make things right between us.
Soon, Rosie nods off and I lay her down and tuck a blanket around her before making my way back up to my room. As I settle into bed, my phone buzzes and when I look at it, I’m surprised to find a message from Rylee.
I hesitate a moment before opening it, and as I read, my eyes go wide and my heart starts to race. Her words are heartfelt and vulnerable, and… and I believe everything she says. That’s she’s working on herself… that she recognizes she has a problem.
She’s really trying to make things right.
Rylee: I’ll be home on the 2nd, and if you want to meet me, I’d really like to see you. And… I love you. No matter what. I always will.
She loves me. Fuck… I reread that part of her message again.
Then a third time. The words are like a physical blow, ones I never realized how much I needed her.
Then it hits me. That’s the real reason why I’ve held myself back, out of fear she didn’t feel the same way I felt about her.
I’ve been wanting her to feel this way about me for so long now, and as I stare down at her text, I realize that I don’t want to lose her.
Not after everything we’ve been through together.
She’ll be back in three days.
Maybe… maybe Rosie’s right and it’s time I tried to meet Rylee halfway.
Those three days go by so fast it’s like blinking my eyes.
January 2nd is here. I pace back and forth outside the arrivals area in the Nashville airport. I can hardly believe I’m here, waiting for her. But at the same time, deep down I always knew that I couldn’t stay away.
Glancing through the crowd, I try to spot her, but there are so many people coming and going. Don’t they understand how significant this moment is? Can’t they get out of the way so I can fucking find her?
My heart is hammering in my chest when I see her at last. Even in a rumpled white sweater, black leggings, with her blonde hair pulled back into a long ponytail, she’s still absolutely stunning.
God, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.
She’s walking through the Nashville airport terminal, moving with the crowd, looking down at her phone as she approaches the baggage carousel. She hasn’t noticed me, yet, so I rush forward when I spot her bag and grab it before she can get hold of it.
“Hey, asshole! That’s mine… ” She jerks her gaze up, her eyes flashing with irritation, but she freezes when she sees that it’s me standing in front of her.
“Zander,” she gasps.
“Hey,” I murmur. We don’t say anything else for several moments and just stare at each other.
Fuck, I missed her. I didn’t realize just how big of a piece of me has been missing without her, but standing here with her, I feel whole again.
“I… I’m sorry,” she stammers. “I’m so sorry.
I was wrong, and I know you might not forgive me, but I wanted you to know what I really think of you.
” She drops her messenger bag and digs through it before pulling out a thin stack of papers.
“This is the article I really wrote. The real article I submitted before my coworker did… well, what she did. It’s going to be released this week, but I’d like you to read it first.”
I furrow my brow, looking from the paper to her. “Read it to me.”
She blinks, looking taken aback, but then nods.
“Okay… um,” she holds up the paper and clears her throat.
“At first glance…” she paused, starts again.
She’s nervous. “At first glance, Zander Caldwell is exactly the kind of man you’d expect to be playing in the NHL.
He’s big, muscular, and a little intimidating at first sight.
It’s only when you talk to him that you realize there’s more to the man than his impressive physique.
” She pauses and shoots me a hesitant look.
I just nod to encourage her to continue.
“Underneath the beard, muscles, and raw talent, there is a guy with a heart of gold. A loyal friend, a loving son, an adoring brother, and… ”
She stops again, choking on her words. My heart is racing and I’m struggling to draw in breath as I watch her.
“And?” I prompt, trying not to choke up.
A small sob escapes her. “And… and… anyone would be lucky to have him in their life. I know my time with him has been transformative, and I’ll never be the same after being with him… ”
Rylee trails off, tears shining in her green eyes as she looks at me.
Before I have the chance to pull her close or say anything, she starts talking again, so fast I can barely keep up.
“Zander, I should have never written that journal entry to begin with!
I should have talked to you. Worked things out the right way.
You are the kindest, most genuine person I have ever met.
You wear your heart on your sleeve and never doubted yourself or your feelings for me and if it wasn't for you, there would have never been an us. You once told me that my confidence intimidated you but you had it all wrong. It was you that intimidated me, terrified me.”
She moves closer to me. Tears are running down her cheeks now.
“Because deep down…” Her breathing is ragged.
“I knew what it would feel like to know someone like you and then lose them, and it was terrifying.
But it doesn't matter, because for you, I'll face my fears, my demons, sacrifice it all…
because you're it for me Zander. I love you.
And even if you never feel the same way about me ever again, and don't forgive me, I won't give up. Because for me, it will only ever be you… and… and…”
I can’t hold back anymore. Cupping her face in both my hands, I pull her in and cut her off with a deep, hungry kiss. She whimpers and wraps her arms around me, kissing me back with an eagerness that makes my blood run hot in an instant.
We kiss for a long time. Longer than what’s probably polite for public, but obviously, I don’t give a fuck, and neither does she.
When I do pull back, I press my forehead to hers and whisper, “I missed you so much, and of course I forgive you. I love you, Rylee. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
She lets out a small sob and tears begin running down her cheeks. “Are you sure? You might change your mind when you hear what I have to say next.”
I just grin. “Take your best shot, Wildcard. I promise you, you’re stuck with me.”
She hesitates a moment before blurting, “I’m pregnant.”
I blink down at her, stunned. She waits for me to respond, looking petrified.
A baby.
We’re going to have a baby.
I’m going to have a family of my own.
I picture her, her belly big with my kid, and warmth floods me. My heart fills with so much joy, I can hardly contain it.
A massive smile curls my lips and I let out a bark of excited laughter.
“That’s amazing!” I exclaim. “I’m going to be a dad!”
She looks taken aback by my response. “You’re not upset?”
“Fuck no! I couldn’t be happier!”
She grins and visibly relaxes, resting her hands against my chest.
“Also, I’m moving to Colorado. I told my boss everything, and so she is letting me work remotely, because I made it clear that even if you wouldn’t take me back, I wasn’t going to keep your child even one state away from you.”
Fuck… I love this woman.
I wrap my arms around her and hug her tight, breathing in her scent and soaking in the love that’s practically radiating off her.
“I love you so much,” I tell her. “Let’s go home.”
She turns her face up to mine and smiles with pure happiness. “Okay.”
Leaning down, I kiss her long and deep, savoring the feel of her in my arms. I know, deep in my soul, that I’ll never let her go again.
Neither of us is perfect, and we never will be, but our love… this true love…
It’s perfect enough for us both.