Chapter Thirty-Nine Family Ties #2
He nods, smiling softly. “Acknowledging it is the first step, and I can be that help. We can be there for each other, supporting each other without judgement. What do you say?”
Tears prick the corners of my eyes and I give him a shaky smile.
“I think that sounds like a hell of a plan.”
He offers me his pinky and I chuckle as I wrap mine around it and we pinky promise, just like we did when we were kids.
For the first time in a long time, I know, deep down, that everything’s going to be okay.
Christmas comes and goes, and before I know it, it’s nearly New Year’s.
Aiden and I have been able to bond in a way we never have before, and we’ve both gotten to know Keira, who we absolutely adore.
Being here with Dad and Brigid has been amazing I do miss Mom and wish she was with us - even though that’d probably be hella awkward.
I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself.
I went back to the support group with Aiden, and it's actually been good. It took some getting used to. Aiden and I have made a promise to each other to call and talk things out whenever things seem to get hard instead of escaping reality. We’ve been getting closer than even Dad and I and I couldn't be more grateful. I’ve been digging, trying to learn more about his love life, but he’s still as tight lipped as ever.
Regardless, I’ve made it my goal to help him with it eventually.
I’ve also been able to talk to my friends and have kept them updated on my progress, and they’re all been so supportive. I haven’t mentioned Zander to them, and none of them have brought him up either.
I wish he was here. We’ve continued to text each other everyday, and I still miss him like crazy. Things seem to be warming up between us, but it’s taken time and it’s almost like we’re getting to know each other all over again. I am grateful that it feels like we’re headed in the right direction.
It makes me feel like there’s a real chance for us yet.
The only dark cloud over my life right now is my increasing worry that I could actually be pregnant.
My nausea hasn’t gone away, and I’ve actually gotten sick a couple of times.
I can’t continue to blame it on trying to get used to Irish food or whatever, and I feel fine otherwise, so it’s not the flu or anything.
But, I’m on birth control. I wouldn’t have let Zander fuck me raw if I wasn’t.
The nagging thought won’t let up so one day, while everyone else is out of the house, I grab my packets of pills and check to make sure I didn’t skip any on accident.
I count the pills I have left and check the date when my prescription was last filled, and… oh. Oh, fuck.
I did miss a day. Thinking back, I realize it was around the time I was so mad at Zander before Thanksgiving. Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit!
Grabbing my wallet, I hurry out of the house and to a nearby chemist - pharmacy - to get a pregnancy test. Locking myself in the bathroom, I dutifully pee on the stick and wait the three minutes for the results.
Sitting on the toilet, my knees bounce nervously as I will the alarm on my phone to fucking go off already.
When it does, I snatch the test off the counter.
Two pink lines.
Two… two pink lines. That’s positive, isn’t it?
Fuuuuuuuuck. Fuck, fuck fuck!
What do I do? My mind is scrambling and I’m at a total loss as panic seizes me. My first thought is that I want my mom. She’s always been the person I turn to when I’m facing down a crisis, and I don’t think I’ve ever faced one as big as this. I fumble for my phone and quickly dial my mom’s number.
She answers after two rings.
“Hi, sweetie! How are things going?”
“Mom… ” I whimper.
“Rylee?” Her tone instantly shifts to one of concern. “Sweetheart, is everything okay?”
“Mom,” I gasp. “I… I’m pregnant.”
She doesn’t say anything for several painful moments, then says, “It’s going to be okay, baby. I promise.”
Her calm response catches me off-guard. She’s always had such high expectations for me - always taught me to be responsible for myself and to not be stupid, especially when it comes to men.
I half-expected her to actually lecture me about how careless and reckless I’ve been, so I’m surprised by this unexpectedly supportive reaction.
“I don’t know what to do,” I sob.
“Well, before you do anything else… do you want this baby?”
Blinking, I don’t answer for several seconds. It’s the most basic question in this situation, but I honestly haven’t even thought about it yet. I’ve been freaking out too badly.
Do I want this baby? I wasn’t sure if I really wanted kids or not, but now that the possibility is right here in my face… do I want to be a mom?
To Zander’s child?
Yes… yes, I do. Oh, God, I want this baby!
“I do,” I whisper, choking on my words. “I do want it.”
“All right, then. We’ll figure this out.”
Why is she going so easy on me?
“You’re… you’re not mad? Disappointed?” My breathing is short and choppy. I feel like I’m on the verge of hyperventilating.
“Of course not! Sweety, I know the timing isn’t ideal, but you are in such a better place than I was when I got pregnant with Aiden. You have family and friends who love you and will support you, and you’re actually in love with the father of your child.”
I pause and let that sink in. Her assurance that I won’t have to do this alone does help calm a bit of my panic. I suck in deep breaths until I don’t feel like I’m struggling for air anymore.
Still, I have no idea how Zander will react. How am I even going to tell him?
“That… that’s true… ” I murmur at length, though my voice wavers. “He’s always wanted kids, but… now I’m not so sure he wants them with me. What if he doesn’t want the baby?”
“You need to tell him,” Mom insists gently. “Whatever he decides won't change how much that baby is loved and how well it will be cared for. You're going to be an amazing mom sweetie, and you've got a lot of people in your corner to help you every step of the way.”
I sigh, feeling calmer thanks to her reassurances. This isn’t something I can keep from Zander… I know that. He needs to be told about the baby, and however he responds to the news, I’ll get through this. Mom’s right. I won’t be alone… and quietly I pray, Zander will be there with me.
“I’ll be home in a few days,” I tell her. “I’ll tell Zander then. Maybe, hopefully, in person.”
“That’s a good idea. The sooner the better.”
I slump forward, dropping my elbows on my knees.
“Okay… thanks, Mom.”
“Any time, baby girl. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
After we hang up, I continue to sit on the toilet lid, thinking and thinking and thinking.
I want Zander. Period. There’s no doubt in my mind about that.
I love him and it's time I fight for him. Fight for true love. He's offered to sacrifice for me so many times. Has gone out of his way to make sure I forgave him when I found out he knew I was ClickTease. God, what have I done? I’ve made such a mess of things. It’s my turn to make sacrifices and put in the work for a relationship - if not for me, then for Zander and this baby.
Whether or not Zander wants to be with me, he’s definitely going to want to be in his child’s life, and I want to be in his, in any way he will have me.
It's time I show him just how much I’m willing to sacrifice for him, even if he never feels the same way about me again.
Picking my phone back up, I open my email and start a new one to Juliet. Once that’s sent, I pull up my text message thread with Zander and compose a new one for him.
Rylee: Hey… Happy New Year. I wanted to tell you again how sorry I am for everything that’s happened between us.
I’m so grateful that you’re still talking to me, and while I know things will never be the same, it gives me hope that one day you’ll forgive me.
I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself while I’ve been away…
kind of working on New Year’s resolutions, you could say.
I see I do have a problem with alcohol and know I need help.
It’s not going to be a crutch for me anymore, and I’m not going to hide from my problems any longer.
I’m going to face them head on, talk things out instead of just writing in a journal or drinking.
I should have done that all along, because the way I’ve been dealing with things has cost me you, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.
I send that first message and pause. Should I tell him about the baby? I begin typing that out, then quickly erase it. No… no, that’s something I should tell him in person. I think of something better.
Rylee: I’ll be home on the 2nd, and if you want to meet me, I’d really like to see you. And… I love you. No matter what. I always will.