Chapter Twenty Finding Stillness
JAYCE
After winning our game, the guys wanted to go out in downtown Houston to celebrate, but I decided to use the family jet to fly back to Denver right away.
The whole game, I wasn’t able to fully focus because I had a disconcerting feeling deep in my stomach about Sutton.
I nearly ran out of the locker room after, determined to get home.
When I left Sutton and her mom this morning, I told myself they’d be fine together for one night.
Now, I can’t shake this gnawing feeling that I need to get back to her.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Sutton trapped with her mother and her lofty expectations.
Knowing how she bends over backwards to please her, I can only imagine how much she’s struggling.
It’s past seven by the time I pull into the parking garage. I’m praying that Mrs. Holloway has left for the night. Gone back to her hotel and left Sutton alone.
The guys have been texting me, checking in to make sure all is well.
Wilder: Yo, Jayce. You home yet?
Jayce: Just got to the building.
Jensen: How’s Sutton?
Jayce: Not sure yet. Still in the parking garage.
Zander: If you need to, call Rylee. She’ll go over, no questions asked.
While I appreciate the offer and the knowledge that our friends will jump to help Sutton at a moment’s notice, if she needs to be taken care of, I’m the one who will do it.
Jayce: I’ll keep you posted if I need the backup. I’m gonna head up now. Talk later.
I put my phone on silent and shove it into my pocket before getting out of my car and heading to the elevator.
Reaching my floor, I step out into the private landing and hurry to my door. When I open it and step into the apartment, the scene I walk into is worse than I’d imagined.
Sutton and her mother are in the kitchen together, the top of the island covered in those binders Mrs. Holloway brought with her.
She’s talking excitedly, moving her hands over the pages of her binders, while Sutton sits next to her, seemingly trapped.
She’s staring blankly ahead, blinking slowly, as if she’s lost in a daze.
“Now, I was considering the guest list,” Mrs. Holloway says, having not noticed my arrival. “And I know it might be a little odd, but I really think Aubrey and Leon should be included. Even though it didn’t work out between you two, they’re still good friends.”
Leon? She wants to invite fucking Leon to the wedding?
Even though the wedding will never happen, the mere idea of that fucker being there is galling.
Sutton doesn’t speak, just nods in response.
The sight of her brittle smile makes my stomach clench.
Her eyes are glazed over, and her fingers are trembling, clutching the legs of her black pants.
I can tell she’s barely hanging on right now, and is likely to snap at any moment, so I jump into action.
“Well isn’t this a lovely sight?” I ask, startling both women as I stride into the kitchen.
“Oh, my goodness!” Mrs. Holloway exclaims with a surprised smile. “We didn’t even hear you come in, Jayce!” Her brow furrows in confusion. “Weren’t you not coming home until tomorrow?”
I give her what I know is a charming smile and lean down to kiss her cheek as I reply, “I couldn’t stay away. I hate being apart from Sutton for so long.”
Mrs. Holloway’s eyes go wide and her smile is tender as she appears to melt at my words.
“Oh, that’s so sweet,” she gushes, flapping her fingers together before reaching out and grabbing Sutton’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Sutton, you’ve really found yourself a gem of a man.”
Sutton doesn’t say anything. I look at her and she just stares up at me imploringly. Silently begging me to help.
Turning up the charm, I say, “I hate to break up the party, but it’s getting rather late. You must be exhausted, Mrs. Holloway.”
Blinking, she checks her watch and her jaw drops. “Goodness! It really is late, isn’t it? I completely lost track of time. I should get going!”
I move to stand between her and Sutton, essentially blocking her daughter from view as I subtly and strategically begin corralling her toward the door.
“You should go get your rest,” I gently tell her.
“There’s so much work to do for the wedding, and I’d hate for you to exhaust yourself because of us. ”
Mrs. Holloway pats my arm, packs up her stuff, and gives Sutton a kiss on the cheek. Then, she waves goodbye as she moves toward the door.
“You’re so considerate,” she replies. “Thank you, Jayce. I should be getting back.”
“All right, we’ll coordinate more tomorrow,” I promise as I open the door for her. “Have a good night, Mrs. Holloway. Get a good night’s sleep.”
“You too.” Then, waving over my shoulder, she calls out, “Good night, sweetheart!”
Sutton doesn’t respond. Mrs. Holloway doesn’t seem to notice as she steps out into the landing in front of the elevator. I wave at her before shutting and locking the door.
The moment she’s gone, I let my smile drop and whirl back around to face the kitchen, expecting to find Sutton still there… but she’s disappeared.
Fuck! Where is she? Panic courses through me as I charge through the penthouse toward her room.
Her glassy-eyed stare is burned in my mind, and the urge to find her is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.
It’s more powerful than any wave of adrenaline I’ve felt during a game.
She needs me right now, I know she does, and I need to help her.
Her bedroom door is open. I hurry inside.
She’s nowhere in sight. I continue to her bathroom.
I find her, and my heart clenches at the sight of her sitting on the floor, her back pressed to the far wall, arms wrapped around her knees.
Her chest is heaving as she fights to breathe.
She’s hyperventilating, her eyes wide, glassy and unfocused.
“Sutton.” I keep my voice gentle as I cross to her and kneel next to her. Up close, I can see her whole body is trembling. “Can you hear me? Sutton, baby, I’m here.”
Slowly, she blinks up at me but she’s still gasping for breath.
Cupping the side of her face as tenderly as if she were made of glass, I murmur, “Breathe with me, Starling. Come on. In, and out.”
Grabbing her hand, I press it against my chest so she can feel what she’s supposed to be doing. I demonstrate for her and she watches my mouth. She tries to follow me, but her breaths stutter and it only pushes her further into a panic as she struggles.
I need to calm her down. Need to break her out of the spiral she’s in so she can get control of herself, otherwise I’m afraid she’s going to pass out.
Suddenly, she reaches up and grabs my arm.
“Please,” she whimpers. “Please…tie me up. Everything gets quiet…when you do.”
I furrow my brow and run a hand over her hair. “Are you sure? You really want that right now?”
“Yes,” she nods, her voice more forceful. “Yes, it’s what I want. Please, Jayce.”
I don’t hesitate again and scoop her up into my arms, cradling her against my chest as I carry her out of the bathroom. She clutches the front of my shirt as I take her to the playroom.
“Don’t worry, Starling,” I murmur, pressing my lips to her hair. “I’ve got you.”
She’s still shaking when I reach the room and cross to the bed to carefully set her down on it. Taking her trembling hands, I kneel in front of her and gaze up into her pale face.
“Do you remember your safe word?” I ask.
She nods. “Pirouette.”
“Good girl.” I rub my thumbs over the top of her hands in small, slow circles.
“I’m going to tie you up, and I want you to just relax and give everything over to me, okay?
I don’t want you to think about anything but what I’m doing.
Nothing else matters at this moment. If you need to focus on something, you focus on me. ”
She looks almost relieved. “Yes, sir.”
I let go of her hand so I can brush a lock of hair behind her ear. Then, holding her gaze, I take hold of her blouse and carefully pull it up and over her head. She lets me move her as I need so I can take her pants off next.
“This isn’t about sex,” I explain as I continue undressing her. “Remember when I said this could be meditative?”
She nods. “Yes.”
“I’d like that to be our focus for this session. Is that all right with you? Do you want more than the ropes?”
She gazes at me a moment, seemingly mulling my words over.
At length, she murmurs, “Just the ropes.”
“Okay.” I help her step out of her pants and toss them to the side. “That’s what we’ll do, then.”
I leave her in her bra and underwear.
Standing, I gently order, “Stay right there.”
She doesn’t move as I make my way to the hidden panel in my wall and open it to reveal my collection of ropes and toys. I select several cotton blend ropes and return to Sutton again.
“Stand up.”
She turns her gaze to me as she gets off the bed and stands up.
“Face the bed and keep your arms at your sides.”
She obeys without hesitation. I take one of the lengths of rope and tie a knot, creating two large loops so it looks like a big bow.
Slipping the loops around her arms, I slide them up to her bicep and slowly tighten them, pulling her shoulders back.
Sutton lets out a shuddering breath as the rope presses into her skin.
I create several more loops in the rope, wrapping them around her arms lower and lower, until her wrists are pressed together against her lower back.
With each loop and new knot, I feel her body relaxing. Giving in. Surrendering.
And with that surrender, comes calm.
“Breathe,” I murmur at her ear as I secure the last knot at the back of the harness. “In and out. In and out.”
This time, she’s able to mimic me. She’s no longer struggling for air and her breathing grows even and steady. Quieter.
Her arms secure, I take hold of her shoulders and turn her to face me. She gazes up at me through hooded eyes, and I’m happy to see that some pink has returned to her cheeks.
“You’re doing so well,” I praise her, taking another length of rope and wrapping it around her torso. “You’re so beautiful, Starling. So brilliant and intelligent. So perfectly submissive and trusting.”
Her eyes glimmer with pleasure at my words.
I proceed to tie six large knots down her front, weaving the rope around her waist and linking it through the rope holding her arms behind her.
The harness looks complex, but it’s really simple ties building on top of each other.
Basic knots and loops used to create something beautiful.
Once her torso is completely bound, I pick her up and set her on the bed with her back to the headboard, her legs resting straight out in front of her. Climbing onto the bed with her, I take her feet and set them in my lap.
“Are you okay?” I ask, holding one of her ankles.
She’s watching me, her cheeks flushed and her breathing steady. Slowly, she nods. Gently, I press my thumb into the arch of her foot and begin to massage it. She lets out a soft moan and relaxes, seeming to melt against the headboard.
Good. This is what I wanted. To give her this sense of calm and peace.
This stillness. I’ve never used the ropes for this purpose before.
It’s always been about sex before, but this session isn’t about sex or control.
It’s about her wellbeing. Quieting the noise in her mind and helping her break out of the anxious spiral her mom created for her.
I’m finding pleasure in caring for her. In using my skills to help her through this.
Taking the last length of rope, I wrap it around her foot in an X shape, then continue weaving the rope over and under the X until I’ve created somewhat of a boot. I do the same to the other foot, tying them together, then wrapping the rest of the rope around her ankles, knotting it at the front.
She’s completely bound now. Unable to move, and this is what finally breaks through the last of her resolve.
A sob breaks from her throat and tears start running down her cheeks.
I quickly move to sit next to her, wrap an arm around her, and lay her down so her cheek is resting on my thigh.
As she cries, I run my fingers through her hair, silently comforting her as she releases all the emotion she’s been locking away deep inside her throughout the day.
I let her sob, uninterrupted, touching her so she never forgets I’m here with her.
I’m so proud of her right now for letting go.
For trusting me with her pain and vulnerability.
For letting herself feel without holding back.
For allowing me to be her safe haven.
It’s later in the night, I’m not sure what time exactly, but I don’t bother to move to check my phone.
I don’t want to disturb Sutton, who’s fast asleep in my arms, her head tucked beneath my chin.
She isn’t tied up anymore, and is dressed in one of my t-shirts.
I massaged her arms and legs after unbinding her and she drifted off, exhausted from her long day and intense emotional release.
Having a woman in my bed like this isn’t something I’m used to. Honestly, I’d typically be repelled if a woman wanted to spend the night with me in my home. With Sutton, though, it’s different. I’m at ease with her in my arms. Satisfied, even.
And that’s a problem. I’m not supposed to be feeling this tenderness. This need for her.
I tell myself it’s nothing. Consequence of the evening. Of course I’d feel the need to comfort her after helping her calm down earlier. It was a lot. It was intense.
This is just part of the arrangement.
Tomorrow, everything will go back to normal and these feelings will dissipate, just like her anxiety did beneath the ropes.