19. Sean
We won. We fucking won. I wake up early and shower before Cory can get up and hog the bathroom of our shared hotel room. I knew Coach Tommy was full of shit. I shake my head at myself in the mirror. I should have never doubted myself or my actions. Everyone has off days. It wasn’t just a me thing. Last night proved that. Of course having a love life after all these years isn’t a distraction. It’s a benefit.
Astrid is a benefit.
I check my phone, but she still hasn’t responded. I hate how I left things between us. I let my internal thoughts affect the external and that wasn’t fair to her. Especially the day after her birthday. I’ll have to make it up to her.
Because she was right. She’s my little lucky charm. I crushed it. I played so well. Everything just clicked. My skates cut through that ice and my speed kept everyone off me. I felt unstoppable. And I scored my first professional goal.
Tommy can go fuck himself.
It’s rare that I wake up smiling like this. The last time that happened, I was with Astrid.
Astrid.I try my best to not to worry about her too much. Even after I get dressed and brush my teeth, she still hasn’t responded. I consider sending her an apology, but I’m not sure she’s even mad at me. Maybe she’s just busy?
She texted me last night to wish me luck, but then I never heard from her again. Not even after the game. She must have fallen asleep. Which is why I continue to try to distract myself now.
I miss her. My chest aches. I’m not used to missing someone so much. But supposedly this is normal and happens to people. Or at least that’s what Connor said. I just need to focus on something else.
Which is why I fixate my energy on annoying Cory.
“Dude, wake up,” I yell, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at his face. “We have to be in the lobby in thirty minutes.”
A gargled sound comes out of his mouth.
Jesus. I walk over to the wall and flick on the light. How can someone live like this? “Wake up, man. We’ve got to go. Come on.”
I might’ve stayed out all night drinking and partying when I was younger, but I could never do that now. I shake my head as I watch Cory try to get himself out of bed only to trip over the sheets around his feet.
At least he didn’t try to bring back some random girl this time. I guess since turning pro he has formed a reputation for getting sloppy drunk and taking back the first person that’ll have him. Connor told me how he woke up to Cory’s whiskey dick and a disappointed puck bunny this time last year.
I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in the world to forget that sight.
Cory and I might have partied a lot when we were younger, but since I had Violet, my life has really slowed down. My priorities have changed. And when Victoria left, I didn’t start dating again.
Not that the gossip sites care. I’m always pictured with someone. Not even people I’m with. Most of the time it’s with someone else’s date who just happens to be next to me at the time. Sometimes, especially when I go too long without being seen, they even use an old picture. But for whatever reason, my dating life has become a scandal.
Cory here never has to deal with that.
I type out another quick message to send to Astrid.
Sean
About to leave. Can’t wait to see you.
I tap my fingers against the screen, considering calling her. It’s not like her to not respond. And I haven’t heard from her since last night. I lock my phone screen only to unlock it a moment later and check my messages again. I know that she has her phone on her. She always does. And it never takes her this long to respond to me.
Shit. Maybe I was acting weirder than I realized before I left.
I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. Thank God we’re going home today. She can avoid my messages but she can’t avoid me. I make quick work of packing my suitcase and I’m down in the hotel lobby right on time. I’m honestly surprised Cory made it without help. I was fully prepared to leave him in that room.
Coach Matt gathers us all together, marking off the mental roll call as he scans us and then nods to Tommy, and the rest of us follow them out the doors to the bus.
I check my phone again. She’s still not messaged me. Maybe her phone died?
I do anything to distract myself on our way to the airport. Cory is passed out next to me, and I have to shake him awake as we drive up to departures.
I hate traveling with the team. There’s obviously more attention when we’re all together. I wore my hat in hopes that people won’t notice me. But my height makes me pretty hard to miss.
When we get through security without incident, I’m hopeful that no one recognizes us the rest of the day. It’s not that I don’t like being a professional athlete, I just hate the attention. I hate talking to people, really. But of course, we couldn’t get so lucky. Nearly a dozen random people trip over themselves as they spot us walking towards our terminal.
This is why I prefer home games. One of the many reasons that I prefer home games. Less stress. Less conversations. Less attention.
More people than usual want our autograph today. Maybe it’s because of the win last night. But the majority of the people who approach me are women. At least the ones brave enough to. Most of them staring at me, a few brave ones approaching me, but I blow them off, and the guys are starting to notice.
“Dude, she was hot,” Michael says, smacking my arm when I crumble up the piece of paper with a phone number on it and toss it in the trash. “What the fuck?”
“I’m sure she’s nearby still. Go get her number if you want it so bad.”
Michael makes a face and walks away.
The only people I’ve really talked to about Astrid are Connor and Cory. To everyone else, she’s just a person in my life. So I understand why they don’t get it. I just wish everyone would mind their own business.
“What’s up, man?” Connor walks over to my side.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. How do I explain that I’m obsessed with Astrid because she hasn’t responded to me? It sounds pathetic in my head. I can’t imagine saying it out loud.
Connor claps my shoulder. “You let me know if you want to talk.”
I nod my head. This is why I like Connor. He lets me be.
Cory on the other hand...
He stumbles next to me, wearing his sunglasses, somehow still tipsy from last night.
“Dude,” he slurs. “You got to get it together.”
“Me?” I point to my chest. “You think it’s me that needs work?”
“Uh huh.” He wraps his heavy arm around my shoulders. “You’ve either got to tell her how you feel or move on. I can’t take the anxious energy. It’s killing my vibe.”
I snort. “I’m sorry I’m killing your vibe, but since when are you the relationship expert?”
“Well.” He leans closer to my ear.
I try not to pull back or gag at the day-old whiskey still on his breath.
“I’ve had more than you so…”
I shove his arm away. “Thanks so much.”
I wait until Cory’s walked away to try to call her. No answer. Shit.
I grow more and more worried every time I check my phone and see that Astrid still hasn’t responded. Not to my calls. Not to my texts.
I don’t like it.
Is she okay? Is my daughter okay? I don’t want to board this plane without knowing everyone is safe.
We get to our gate in the terminal and take seats next to the window. I’m nearly at boiling point when I get a text message from Connor.
I look at him questioningly, but he just shakes his head points to the phone.
It’s a screenshot of some tabloid’s post on social media about me with another woman last night, and then a screenshot from Tanner’s texts last night about Astrid freaking out.
Fuck. Now I understand why Astrid is ignoring me.
I don’t even know the woman in the picture. I think she was one of the VIP people that got to sit in the section behind our bench and wanted an autograph and a picture. I squint at the screen. There were a million people with brown hair wearing our team stuff. It’s not like it meant anything.
But judging by the continued silence, Astrid doesn’t feel the same.
I text Tanner.
Sean
Is she mad at me?
Three dots appear and then slip away.
I chew the inside of my cheek. Fuck. I didn’t think to warn her about the media. I just assumed… I mean, we live together. Surely, she knows there’s no one else.
Tanner
Heather said she left in tears. Gave some BS story about a migraine.
That’s worse than being mad.
I twist my hat backwards and rub a hand over my face. Fuck. I tap my fingers against my phone as I stare at the messages, hoping for inspiration. I need to win her over, and I have to try to think of ways to make it up to her.
I click on the link in the message. If I’m going to do damage control, I need to know what I’m up against.
Coach Tommy slides in the seat next to me. “You want to talk about it?” No, actually. He’s the last person I want to talk to about it.
I shake my head, scrolling through the endless comments on the Instagram post that Connor had sent to me. Is this what Astrid will think of me? That she’s one of many?
“Nah, I’m alright, thanks Coach,” I say, finding the words eventually.
He gets up, nods his head, and walks away, but I can tell he knows something it up.
Shit. The last thing I need is Coach thinking my head isn’t in it. Cory and Connor are the people closest to me, they’re supportive of anything that makes me happy. Coach, on the other hand, is a different story. He won’t support anything that takes my focus away from the game.
Thirty minutes later, we board the plane and there is still no response from Astrid. At this point, I feel sick as my anxiety tightens its grip. I know that if she doesn’t respond before we take off, it means that I won’t know what’s going on until we land at the earliest.
Cory tries his best to distract me from the gnawing uncertainty on the flight, but it doesn’t work. Our usual banter falls flat as I struggle to respond to him, too consumed by a foreign need for reassurance.
The tension doesn’t release until the wheels touch down. Relief washes over me as the knot in my stomach begins to untangle. Home is close, and it will give me answers. One way or another.
I have to fight my instinct to run from baggage claim out to my car. But Coach Tommy puts a hand on my shoulder before I can escape.
“You played well.” He claps me on the shoulder. “Real well,” he says as we walk outside together.
The moment we step beyond the sliding glass doors, a cool wind blows against us, making an already uncomfortable conversation even worse.
“Oh. Okay. Thanks.” It is too cold outside to chitchat. I can see my breath. I hope that he keeps this brief. Tommy has never seemed like a big fan of mine, and after yesterday, I’m starting to think that he outright hates me. I’d like to limit the number of stressful conversations today.
“You have a promising future. Just don’t let some girl ruin everything. Girls will always be there.” He takes a step but turns back. “During the offseason.” His words hang in the air, even after he’s gone.
The shiver that racks through my body has nothing to do with the winter air. Some girl.
A bitter part of me wants to remind Tommy of his divorce. All three of them.
Why is this haunting me? Can’t people stay out of my personal life?
That pisses me off. He’s doubled down on being a prick and as much as I wish I could tell him to fuck off and forget anything he’s ever said, that little seed of doubt has dug itself deeper and deeper with every step I take.
I might disagree with him, but he is the coach. It’s his decisions that matter. And if he hates me, I worry that he’ll convince the rest of the coaches to hate me as well.
I swallow. The certainty and excitement I felt in going home now wavers. This man has the power to derail my entire career. And if I don’t step up, I could lose much more than just Astrid.