20. Astrid
Sean won’t be home until later today, but I still feel a pang of disappointment as I walk up my stairs to an empty kitchen. I hate the way we left things, because now that I’ve learned about his dating history, the only thing I want to do is ask him what’s going on, and what this all means.
But I can’t. He left for the game stressed out. And I refuse to be the thing that stresses him out more.
The house is too quiet with him and Violet. I sigh, wishing that she wasn’t gone, and that he was still here. I’ve gotten so used to his presence that I don’t even want to go run alone now. I rub the headphone bud between my two fingers, considering what I should do. I love my music. But Sean’s right, it is kind of dangerous to run and not hear the world around me. It is also hard to run when the only sound I can hear is my strangled gasps for air.
Its not exactly encouraging.
So I choose the headphones today but shorten the run as a compromise.
The first burst of cold wind against my face is reason enough to turn around and slip back in bed. I pull the zipper on my running jacket higher. There is a list of things I should’ve done better to prepare for this moment. Gloves for starters. Maybe another layer of pants.
The first couple of days of fall to winter are miserable. I’m a pretty happy person. Unless I’m cold. I shiver. This whole running thing was starting to grow on me. It had become a habit, a ritual. And it was actually pretty fun. I was even getting better.
But all of that was with Sean.
Now it’s not enough. It’s hard to push myself without him. It is hard to want to push myself when I’m too busy wondering if he’s seeing someone else too. It’s not as fun to be running away from something instead of towards it. I slow to a walk, cutting my run short.
It’s better to call it instead of pushing myself. The last thing I need is get hurt out here all alone.
I fold my arms against my chest, trying to convince myself that everything is alright. But it’s not working. I jog a little to get closer to the house faster, relieved when I step inside and warm up.
I stay longer in the hot shower, enjoying the way the water stings against my wind-raw skin. I linger, not caring if that makes me late. For the first time since the school year started, I’m not looking forward to work. I don’t multitask well when my emotions are frayed. And today my emotions are completely unraveled.
Things don’t improve once I’m at school. Every time I attempt to focus on a lesson or a lecture, I find myself wondering what he’s doing and who he’s with. The thoughts become physical. My heart races. My throat tightens.
This is ridiculous.
He’s not supposed to mean so much so quickly. Sure, we had a nice date. And he’s a really nice guy. But that’s it. That’s all that’s happened between us. I shouldn’t have got my hopes up or let my daydreams slip away from reality. Nice, casual dates do not mean anything other than that. I can’t expect that to also mean exclusivity.
The truth doesn’t make me feel better. This is probably something I should’ve thought about before sleeping with the man I live with and work for.
The school day goes by slower than usual, and I find myself checking my phone, staring at his messages, but never able to respond. What is wrong with me? But I can’t bring myself to type the messages I want to send. My fingers always hesitating at the last moment, deleting what I’m not brave enough to send.
The afternoon sun casts long shadows across the pavement of the school parking lot. The air is more crisp than it was this morning. The fallen leaves crunch beneath my feet as I hurry to my car.
I don’t have much time in between the end of my day and Violet’s parent-teacher conference. Just enough time to make sure Heather is still watching the kids at my place tonight. Sean’s place.
I knew today was going to suck when I woke up. I could just feel it. I should’ve gone right back to bed. Called off sick. But Sean felt terrible about missing Violet’s parent-teacher conference, and I did volunteer so…
I get to the school a few minutes late, which frazzles me even more. My footsteps echo through the hallway as I hurry. Luckily, I’m familiar enough with the school that I find her classroom quickly. I smooth my hair and take a deep breath before walking inside.
“Mrs. Wilfred,” I say in greeting, slightly out of breath.
“Hello,” she smiles, extending her hand for me to shake.
I’m not sure what she does or doesn’t know about Violet, so I don’t offer any additional details about who I am or why I’m here in place of Sean.
“Take a seat.” She gestures to the chairs. “Violet is doing well in school,” she says, starting our conversation off in a way that puts me on edge.
I can feel the but coming on.
“But she is struggling to socialize with the other kids. Is that a problem you’ve noticed at home?”
“She goes through phases, some days wanting to talk and tell us everything, and then other days she’ll pretty stay quiet,” I respond honestly. It hasn’t been a warning sign to me, since she’s so much like Sean, but I’m by no means a childhood learning expert. “Is that normal?”
“It is.” The teacher pauses. “I wouldn’t worry about anything right now. Just keep an eye on her development at home and let me know if anything changes.”
I nod my head, knowing that the second I leave this room I am googling everything.
“You’re doing a great job, though, Mom. Don’t worry” The teacher says, patting me on the arm.
Before I can correct her, she continues on.
“Here is Violet’s most recent work.” She takes a few pieces of paper out of the red folder she has sitting on the desk. “She’s done really well so far. Her reading level is several grades above where we’d expect right now.”
“She loves to read at home.”
Mrs. Wilfred smiles. “I can tell that you are wonderful parents. You should be so proud.”
“T-thank you.” I don’t have it in me to correct her now. I feel my face heat at the lie of omission. I hope Sean never finds out. I would be mortified.
Mrs. Wilfred continues on, taking me through her progress and performance. I’m thrilled, but the embarrassment lingers, and I’m relieved when our time is up. She hands me the folder to keep.
“It was lovely to meet you, Mrs. Daniels.”
“S-same. Thank you.” I clutch the folder of Violet’s things to my chest and run out the door.
Mrs. Daniels. It plays on repeat in my head, all the way home. I groan, hating how much I like the sound of that. What is wrong with me?
“Thanks for watching her,” I say as I walk into the house. I run a hand through my hair.
“No problem,” Heather says, her smile quickly faltering as she looks over me. She knows something is off.
But I don’t want to talk about it. I try not to give anything away as I hang up my jacket and take off my shoes. I will myself to be normal. Because the last thing I need tonight is to admit to my best friend that I’ve lost my mind, and the reason is because I’m secretly starting a relationship with the very man who hired me and now, I’m daydreaming about how it would sound for me to have his name.
It sounds insane.
“How were the kids?” I ask. A perfectly normal question for this perfectly normal situation. I take a deep breath, schooling my face for the moment I have to turn around and face Heather once more.
It is much harder to lie when she can see me. Much harder.
“They were good. Violet was pretty tired, actually. She’s already asleep.”
“Oh wow, thank you.”
Heather shrugs. “You’re sure you’re alright? You seem…off.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, taking a seat at the island. “Just a little tired. You know, that time in the school year.” It’s not a lie, so I can keep eye contact without squirming.
“Yeah, that makes sense.” She walks over and gives me a hug. “I have a substitute job in the morning, Richard is still out sick.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. I mean, it’s good for you though. It’s good for you to escape the McMansion every once in a while and remember how the rest of us live.” I stick my tongue out at her.
“Yeah,” she yawns. “So I should probably head out. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Of course.”
After trying and failing to wake a very sleepy Jake from the couch, Heather scoops him into her arms and I walk them to the door. I’m nearly clear of the critical questions.
She turns back around. “You’re sure you’re okay, Astrid?”
Dammit. “I’m sure.” I give my best friend the most genuine smile I can manage to keep her from seeing through me. It’s a hollow feeling. I’ll need to tell her eventually. Just not tonight.
I watch her drive away before I make my way back to the couch. Completely and totally exhausted.
I snuggle onto the couch, draping one of the blankets across my lap. I should probably go to bed, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to walk down those stairs. It just feels so far away.
And the couch is soft, bigger than some people’s beds. The L- shaped sectional takes up a decent amount of the room. I set up the pillows and blankets and dim the lights so that the living room is warm and cozy.
I turn on the tv and start to try to decide what to watch when I hear the little patter of feet on the stairs. I press the mute button and turn to see Violet, coming down the stairs, her little body wrapped in a blanket, and her cherished teddy bear squeezed to her chest.
“What’s wrong, Violet?” I ask, concerned. I’ve never seen her sad before, and my heart cracks a little at the sight.
She looks like she’s been crying. “I had a bad dream,” she says, her lip quivering as she walks over to me.
“Awe sweetheart, come here,” I say, patting the spot next to me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She shakes her mess of dark hair.
I guess it is still early. “Do you want to watch a movie with me?” I suggest instead. Maybe something happy and a little company will make her feel better.
She shakes her head yes.
“Okay.” I stand and give her a hug. “I’m going to make us popcorn and then I’ll be right back, okay?”
That makes her eyes light up. “Okay.”
“Which one do you want to watch?” I ask, pausing as I click through the selection.
“That one,” she says.
The tears are dry now, and I’m relieved to see her snuggle into the couch.
I place the popcorn between us, grabbing some ginger ale and a couple other snacks in case she wants something else.
“You feeling any better?” I ask, glancing over at her.
“Yeah.” She grabs a handful of popcorn with a smile.
We pick out a movie and lay on the couch. Violet takes one end and I take the other. We put the popcorn and snacks on the puff between us.
I put my phone beside me. My screen lights up with Sean’s name but I’m too tired to check it. I don’t want to deal with this now. Not while I’m tired and annoyed. Not the right headspace.
My eyelids grow heavy. And I fall asleep, having my own version of a nightmare.