22. Astrid
The morning sun lights the room, casting a gentle glow over me and my surroundings. I jerk awake, slightly confused as I yawn. I know immediately that I’m not in my own bed. But it takes me awhile to put together that I’m in the living room. I must’ve fallen asleep with Violet on the couch last night. I rub my eyes, sitting up straight as I yawn again. I was really tired. I must have just passed out. I blink, registering slowly that the warmth I feel is from being covered in more blankets than I went to sleep with.
Did Sean do that? Is he home?
I swing my feet off the cushions and pad towards the hallway that leads into the garage. I don’t even have to walk the rest of the way to the door to check for his car. I see his shoes are there. He is definitely home.
But if he saw me, then why didn’t he wake me up?
A subtle unease pulls at my attention. Is he mad at me?
I fold the blankets and leave them on the back of the couch and go downstairs to my room, only to realize that it is already five in the morning.
Ugh. That’s what I get for falling asleep on the couch. I feel like shit. I rub my eyes, contemplating skipping the run in order to go back to sleep for another half hour. But Sean is back. I sigh, already resigned to finding clean running clothes.
I can’t skip our run because it’s the one time of day that I really get to talk to him. And I need to talk to him. It is the only way I will feel better.
There is something about this routine that we’ve fallen into that I find comforting. So comforting I’m willing to forgo sleep.
And I don’t do that for anything or anyone.
By the time I get dressed and brush my teeth, Sean is in the kitchen. Perfect timing. As much as I don’t want to admit it, it is a nice feeling, seeing him like this. His presence is comforting. And it’s starting to feel like our normal.
But the way he’s dressed tells me that he doesn’t plan on running.
A pit forms in my stomach.
Instead of showing up in his running clothes, like he does every day, he has on his Devil’s t-shirt and his hockey bag is sprawled out on the table.
I chew the inside of my cheek, considering slipping away before he sees me. But he turns around and it’s too late to hide with dignity.
“Hey,” he says, startled, clearly caught off guard.
Was he trying to avoid me? Fuck.I guess I was wrong...this routine is my routine, not ours. Another thing I’ve made mean something that clearly doesn’t mean the same thing to him.
“Hi.” I nearly cringe at how sad I sound. I try to clear my throat, attempting to shake off any lingering emotion.
“Do you want a coffee?” he asks, breaking the awkward silence.
“No, thanks.” I gesture to my outfit. “I’m going to go run.”
“Oh—” There is an awkward pause. “Right. I’m sorry, I can’t go with you today.”
He sounds like he means it, but it doesn’t make the ache in my chest feel any better.
“We have an early practice today, so I’m trying to save my energy. Coach made a comment the other day and I want to show up with peak energy.”
“Sure. Okay.” I try to mask my disappointment. I know hockey is more important. It is his career.
“You alright?” he asks.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just, uh—” I just saw you with another girl. I swallow down the truth. “I’m just going to head out. I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah.”
I start to walk away when he calls out my name.
“Hey… Astrid?”
“Yeah?” I turn to face him, anticipating his words.
“I promise, we can hang out tonight. Victoria has Violet again this week.” He closes the distance between us and pulls me against him. “I’ll see you tonight, okay?”
“Okay.” The small bit of hope simmers in my chest, warming the parts of me that began to wither away last night. He kisses the top of my head before letting me go.
“Tonight?” he repeats, seemingly seeking affirmation.
“Tonight.” I turn to make good on my commitment to run, holding onto a piece of hope that might mend the fractures emerging in our relationship.