31. Sean
The injury is more than just an inconvenience, it’s an awakening. A painful one. Coach is right, just not in the way that he thinks he is. I have been slipping, and that’s how I ended up injuring myself and getting benched for the foreseeable future. This is more than just hurting Astrid. I could hurt my family too.
Fuck. I stand to lose too much. I need to think of Violet. Her future is affected just as much as anything else, if not more. And Astrid. The fear on her face when she saw me hurt. I couldn’t take it if something happened to me and she was left to deal with the consequences of my actions. She has her own career, her own life. If we were to have a future, she wouldn’t deserve to become solely caretaker or stay-at-home mom just because I chose to have a career that comes with the possibility of fame and misfortune.
I pull at my hair. Everything about my life feels too fragile. When did my career and relationships become so tenuous? When did everything start to fall apart? And why does it have to happen at this time of the year?
I push the cart through the grocery store. It’ll take more than a torn rotator cuff to stop me. We’re having Thanksgiving at our house this year. Astrid offered to help me cook, even though it’ll be a small gathering. My parents can’t make it, but everyone is invited, even Victoria.
I can’t see how that can go wrong.
I groan when I reach the meat section. Nearly everything is bought already and we’re still a week out. Fuck. I guess I can’t do anything right.
I continue down the crowded aisles, keeping my head down in hopes that no one recognizes me. The weight of my future choices press down on me like a thousand-pound weight. Our first Thanksgiving together should be something to celebrate, something that fills me with joy. Instead I’m plagued by thoughts of how this all might go wrong and how I might hurt her.
Astrid deserves someone who can give her the world, not someone who struggles to balance a demanding career and a relationship. The thought of losing either one makes me wonder if the sacrifices I have made are worth the toll that they’re taking on my life.
The checkout line is a blur as I unload the groceries. The cashier doesn’t look up from the rhythmic scanning of the ridiculous number of items I’ve stacked on the conveyer belt.
They glance over at the building line behind me, and sigh.
Great. I have the power to even make this person miserable.
Back home, I unpack very quietly in hopes that I don’t disturb anyone. I don’t want Astrid to feel obligated to help me, and I know that she would. I glance around the empty house. The silence buys me time to get everything in the fridge or pantry.
I take out the snack I bought myself and relax on the couch, turning on the tv to fill the void as I no longer find the quiet comforting.
I regret getting close to Astrid. The more she tries to take care of me, the more I have to push her away.
Now Coach’s words feel like a premonition. It is not Astrid’s fault. She’s done nothing wrong. She’s perfect. Fucking perfect. But this isn’t fair to her. My focus has been off and it shows on the ice. I got away with it for a couple games, but now I’ve allowed myself to get so distracted that I’ve injured myself and risked my entire career. For what?
That was wrong. I shake my head.
But it is proof that I don’t deserve her. She should be with someone who would sacrifice everything to be with her. Not someone who can only give her a quarter of the attention and love that she deserves.