32. Astrid
Violet makes it known that she wants to sit next to me at Thanksgiving. It’s all she’s talked about all week. I wince every time she brings it up. For whatever reason, it seems to upset Sean. Recently everything seems to upset Sean. I knew he had the tendency to be grouchy and withdraw within himself, but this is something else. No amount of cheerfulness or kind gestures has been able to snap him out of it.
And it’s meant that we’ve spent less and less time together.
And come Thanksgiving morning, Im mentally preparing for the most uncomfortable dinner of my life.
I put on jeans a t-shirt and walk upstairs, pulling back my hair into a quick braid. Things might be awkward between us, but I promised him I’d help prepare dinner, and I don’t go back on my word.
“Wow,” I say, walking into the kitchen. There’s bowls of prepared food everywhere, the steam rising off of them as Sean turns around, holding a spoon. “Look at you.” I can’t help but smile at the half apron tied around his waist. “You started without me, huh?”
“I didn’t want you to feel obligated to help. I want you to enjoy today.”
I try not to internalize his words and pick them apart for a meaning that he never intended. Instead, I head to the espresso machine and make myself two shots. “You want anything?” I ask over my shoulder.
“Sure, thank you,” he says.
We prepare the little that remains together. I cut the potatoes and prepare the stuffing while Sean watches the turkey with an intense focus I usually only associate with game day.
I try not to linger next to him, only doing the things that I need to and staying out of his way. If he notices my distance, he doesn’t comment on it, and doesn’t seem to mind.
I sigh. Our first Thanksgiving together and I’m feeling out of place. I pull at the tie around the base of my braid and let my hair hang loose down my back. I wish Heather were coming. Instead, she’s going home to see her parents, leaving me here to feel a little bit alone.
“I can take care of the rest,” Sean says, his gaze scanning over me before turning away just as quickly. “If you want to get ready. Or relax.”
“O-okay.” I hesitate, and then turn around.
I don’t have a lot to get ready for. I exchange my t-shirt for a sweater that I think complements my eyes, and I rebraid my hair. It’s going to be Sean, me, Violet, Victoria, Connor, Tanner, and Jake at Thanksgiving. I don’t have anyone to impress. Well. I guess besides Victoria.
The last time she saw me I had my legs wrapped around Sean and his tongue down my throat.
I scrub my face with cleanser and reapply my moisturizer before taking out my makeup. Hopefully today will go a little bit better than that.
I pop the lid off my mascara and angle my face just right in front of the mirror. Maybe Victoria doesn’t remember. Maybe she doesn’t even know it was me.
I hear the doorbell ring.
Just in case, I keep my makeup simple, choosing soft pinks and a subtle highlighter for my cheeks. I think it says pretty, but not purposefully in an ‘offering to watch your child in hopes of sleeping with your ex’ kind of way.
I figure she’ll hate me regardless though if Violet mentions that she wants to sit next to me in front of her.
We have everything ready by one. Violet even helps me set the table while Sean carries the food into the dining room and sets the dishes up on the long sideboard against the wall.
True to her word, Violet tries to sit next to me, not her mom. Im kicking myself for not having this conversation with her earlier. “Violet,” I say, bending down to eye level with her. I smooth the back of her hair. “I would love to sit next to you, but I think it would mean a lot to your mom if you sat next to her and your dad.”
I swallow the lump that’s lodged in my throat. Maybe I was wrong about Sean, but Violet is my family. And I don’t want to see her sad, but I know I’ll never fill that kind of role in her life.
“Can’t you be my second mom. A lot of kids have two moms.” She pulls at my hand when I stand back.
“Why don’t we talk about this after dinner, okay? After you sit next to your mom, how does that sound?”
“Oh-kay.” She sighs, taking her seat and pouting. She swings her legs in her chair and refuses to meet Sean’s stern gaze.
A moment later Victoria walks in and I whisper a silent prayer in gratitude for her not hearing our conversation.
Once everyone is seated, Connor suggests we go around the table and share what we are thankful for, much to Tanner’s chagrin. Sure, it’s a little cheesy, but I like the cute tradition.
“I’m thankful for Jake,” Connor says, ruffling Jake’s hair much to his displeasure.
“I am thankful for reaching the top tier of billable hour bonuses and all the money I’m about to make during Christmas.” Tanner holds up his glace. “And for Connor and Jake.”
That makes Connor laugh. He leans over Jake to kiss Tanner on the cheek.
“Astrid,” Tanner says to me, “What are you grateful for?”
I bite my lip, considering if I should give my honest answer of not. “I’m thankful for being here, with all of you.” My face heats as everyone stares at me.
“I’m thankful for, Astrid,” Victoria says, coolly. Her sharp eyes cutting through me like a knife. She reaches over to pat my hand. “I don’t know what we’d do without your… help.” Her lips curve around the word and I know that word choice wasn’t by accident.
“I’m thankful for Astrid, too,” Violet says, bouncing in her seat. “I love you, Astrid. You’re my second mom.”
I guess I said that prayer too soon. I slide a little lower in my seat, wishing I could bury my face in my hands as the awkward silence drags on.
Sean coughs and into his fist. “I am thankful for this food. Let’s eat.”
The meal is delicious. It’s nothing special, I’m sure Gordon Ramsey would have some choice words about what it might be lacking. But it tastes a little more special to me because Sean and I made it together. I wouldn’t admit that under gunpoint though.
Victoria’s phone goes off nonstop at the table and she doesn’t try to hide it.
Tanner shoots her increasingly escalated looks while Connor seems desperate to keep him calm. Thats saying a lot coming from Tanner, the workaholic.
“I didn’t realize this was a working lunch,” Tanner says dryly, narrowing his bloodthirsty eyes at Victoria. “I would have brought mine, too.”
Oh, shit.
Victoria ends up leaving early, tossing her napkin on her half-eaten plate. “I’ll try to take care of this quickly and be back before dessert.” She kisses Violet on the head, waving a hand in our general direction, and heads down the hallway and out the door.
Violet’s eyes water and I scoot down to fill Victoria’s seat, switching our plates out so that Violet doesn’t have to feel alone. I wanted to make nice with Victoria, but I’m overcome with protective fury. I made Violet sit next to her when she didn’t want to, thinking this could be a special time for mother and daughter. And Victoria hardly spared her a glance the entire time.
I wait until conversation begins again before dipping my head down. “You okay?” I ask, softly.
I didn’t grow up with divorced parents, but I know what it’s like to feel let down by family. I don’t want to draw more attention to this than necessary.
“Yeah, I’m happy I get to sit next to you now.” She smiles up at me, sincerity coloring her voice. She shoves a forkful of turkey into her mouth.
“I’m happy too.” I kiss her head, and she leans into my side.