Push

24. She Battled Her Fears

She Battled Her Fears

Gwen

Squinting to blot out the afternoon sun, I pushed the stroller along the path, my pace slowing as I peered around the endless green.

“Gwen!” A hand waved in the distance. “Over here!”

Toby was impossible to miss. I wrestled the ache in my chest as I watched him jog over. He could look as handsome as he pleased in his white T-shirt and navy shorts. He could beam his big smile. It wouldn’t work. My heart was a cold lump of ice.

He bounced to a stop in front of me. “You came!” His brows furrowed.

In the past, this would’ve been when he dipped me into a hug or planted a deliberately obnoxious kiss on my cheek to force a laugh out of me. No longer options. Instead, he stuffed his hands in his pockets, hiked his shoulders up around his chin, and attempted another smile.

I nodded my hello.

I wasn’t ready to match his goofball grin. I couldn’t force a reaction at all. Sure, I’d agreed to meet up. We were long overdue for a talk. The talk. But being friendly and acting like a couple in public didn’t feel right. Not yet. Maybe never.

Toby peeked over my shoulder into the stroller. “Geez, NoBo’s cute, huh?” He bent down, his big hand curving over Noah’s round belly. “Hey, little dude.”

Noah didn’t stir from his afternoon nap. His tiny fists stretched above his head, and his perfect plump mouth had parted just enough to huff sleepy breaths.

Toby straightened up, brushing my shoulder with a hesitant touch as if he was unsure he could. “Missed you, doll.”

I glanced from the corner of my eye. Oh, God. His lips headed for my cheek. It was an instinct for him—an affectionate afterthought I used to welcome with a smile and a playful rebuke. Not this time. I jerked back. I absolutely wasn’t ready for kisses.

Toby’s smile disappeared. “Sorry,” he muttered, his hand falling from my shoulder. “I’m set up just over here.” He pointed to a plaid blanket just off the path. A woven basket rested in the center. He bounded over to it, eager to coax me to join him.

“You organized a picnic?” I flipped the stroller’s brakes with the toe of my sneaker.

“You used to like outdoor time after being cooped up in the office all week.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. “I thought it might be nice.”

“You went to a lot of trouble.”

He blinked up at me with too much fragile hope.

An emotionless shell stared back at him.

My heart was intent on keeping him at the safest distance possible.

Uncomfortable, he dropped his gaze to the basket, and out came a few containers stuffed with food and—God help me—a bottle of non-alcoholic prosecco.

I’d rather join the ducks and sip the water from the pond at the bottom of the hill.

“It’s no trouble,” he said. “What else am I doing?”

I glanced at Toby’s right hand. The skin over his knuckles was broken and red.

What else, indeed?

“You, um… wanna sit down?” He patted the blanket beside him, offering a cautious smile that faltered when I curled into the corner, just out of his reach. He masked his disappointment by rummaging in the picnic basket again. An enormous bunch of bananas appeared.

I arched my eyebrow. “That’s a lot of bananas.”

“They’re for NoBo. I wasn’t taking any chances after World War Fruit.”

“World…War…Fruit?”

“Let’s just say I learned the hard way that blueberries are out, and bananas are in. Don’t worry. Zoo food isn’t the only thing on the menu. I’ve got some classier options for us.”

“Like the, uh…prosecco?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “All the tips I read online suggested champagne for a picnic, but you’re still breastfeeding, so…” A shrug. “Is the prosecco no good?”

“Have you tasted it?”

“Uh…”

“You should give it a try.” My lips curled up. “It’s num nums.”

Suspicion narrowed Toby’s eyes. “That’s what you say when you try to get NoBo to eat that gross-looking green stuff.”

“Creamed spinach is num nums.”

“Are you trying to punish me, doll?” When I bit back a smile, Toby grunted. “Thought so. You’re letting me off light, don’t you think? I deserve worse than being force-fed a truckload of prosecco and creamed spinach, and you know it.”

I ran the tip of my index finger along the plaid lines of the blanket. “There’s nothing I could do that would hurt you as much as you hurt me.”

“I, um… Yeah. I… I know…”

My gaze stayed glued to the blanket. I could hear the hitch of emotion in his voice, but I didn’t look up to see if pain stung his blue eyes.

I refused to feel guilty for telling him the truth.

I hadn’t been on his mind when he’d ignored my messages to grab a coffee with Kayleigh instead.

He hadn’t spared my feelings when he’d gone to the party or posed for the photo.

I doubt he’d thought about me when he’d kissed her.

But how easy would it be to forget all that?

Could we go back to how things were before the wretch in the emerald dress skipped into our lives?

What if we hopped even further back in time to the happy place where I’d been able to pretend I wasn’t a failure?

It was only a window. Five years, maybe.

We’d been so good then. Would Toby have betrayed me if I’d been more careful and kept that mask from slipping?

“Gwen?” A different type of wariness crept into Toby’s voice. “You stuck up in your thoughts?”

“Maybe.”

“Want to talk about it?”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t feel right anymore…” It didn’t feel safe .

I tucked myself up into a ball in the corner of the blanket. This picnic was a terrible idea. It was too soon. Too much. I wasn’t calm. I wasn’t strong. It was all an act.

I was a fraud.

Putting on my suit and going to work had made me someone .

I wasn’t Gwen, the kid who’d grown up in a broken home with a brother who’d pounded his fists into the walls because the pain of battered knuckles was easier to deal with than the nightmare of our mother.

No, in the office, I was Gwen, the prosecutor, the fearless bitch who put bad guys in jail.

I married the ideal man. I was the model wife and, later, the perfect mother.

If my mask slipped, even for a second, everyone would discover the truth. The dream life I’d tricked the world into handing me would be snatched away. No, it was more than that. Toby would be snatched away.

He was belly laughs, patience, and the sweetest kisses good night.

He was the boy who’d bowed before me and proudly declared I was his fair Lady Gwendolyn.

He was the only person who’d ever said, “I love you.” He was my escape.

My constant. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and the person I’d always been able to rely on—until he wasn’t.

The picnic blanket bunched as he shuffled closer. “Gwen, I… I’m sorry.”

My chin trembled. Was he? Really? I hugged my arms around my knees and curled tighter in my ball.

There would never be anyone else for me but Toby.

Did he understand that? Did he care? Wearing the vintage dress from the thrift store that Marnie had helped me take in, I’d stood beside him and vowed, “Until death we do part,” but the promise meant nothing if only one of us kept it.

The air stretched so tight between us, but truthfully, the tension had been winding up for years before Kayleigh had torpedoed into our lives.

I was to blame, too.

Lifting my head, I glanced at the stroller. My chubby baby happily slept with his thumb jammed in his mouth. Our baby. No matter what happened, Noah needed us to at least try.

I uncurled my hand from my knee and inched it closer to Toby. My fingertips hovered over the broken skin of his knuckles, and I darted a look up in time to see his eyes widen with surprise. He wasn’t expecting me to make the first move.

“What happened with Ian?” I asked.

Toby’s smile was more like a grimace. “Nothing good. He said— shit —” He dragged his good hand through his hair. “Ian said a lot of stuff that hurt, but some of it… He wasn’t exactly wrong.”

“Like what?”

“He called me out for not treating you right and prioritizing the wrong things.” Toby’s laugh wasn’t a happy one. “When a traitorous bastard points out how shit your behavior is, it’s a massive wake-up call.”

My voice barely a whisper, I reminded him, “I warned you, too.” Too many times. “Shouldn’t that mean something?”

Toby’s chin dropped to his chest. His gaze disappeared to stare absently at the endless green.

“Yeah, you did. I was just too stupid to listen. After I left Ian’s, I sat in the car for ages, just thinking about stuff.

I’ve been stuck on this idea that someone should have set me straight before I made the choice I did.

And they did. You did. But…honestly…” He heaved a sigh.

“It was on me to see I wasn’t honoring you the way I should have.

I’m owning what I did. I’ve got issues. It’s probably going to take some time to sort myself out with the psych. ”

My eyebrows popped up. “You’re seeing a psychologist?”

Toby nodded. “I’ve got my first appointment next week. Wednesday morning. I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d think…” He lifted a shoulder. “I didn’t want you to think I was…stupid…or weak…”

“No way.” I was careful not to squeeze his bruised hand too hard. “I don’t think that at all.”

“Really?” The worried crease between his eyes faded.

“That makes me feel better about going. You know what my family’s like.

My mother’s always said therapy is a scam.

She’s convinced everyone’s trying to steal my father’s money.

” He tried to joke about it, but there was too much pain in his eyes for us to laugh.

“Gwen, I’m so sorry. I know I keep saying that, and words won’t fix us, but I am. ”

“I want to hear the words sometimes.”

“Yeah?”

I nodded. “It’s not enough, but it helps.”

Toby’s eyes drifted to the stroller as he spun his wedding band around on his finger. “And Gwen… About Ian…” The muscle in his jaw twitched. “He lies. I’ve learned he lies a lot. But he said some things… About you…”

My lungs locked up without warning, and the ghost of Ian’s voice whispering in my ear twisted around my heart. Let me show you how beautiful you are. I pressed my palm against my chest and begged the frantic thump to slow down.

Hold it together.

My emotions carefully contained, I asked, “What kind of things did he say?”

“I recorded the conversation with Ian if you want to hear it firsthand.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I turned my brain on for a whole second before I walked into his apartment.” His shoulders squared with pride.

“I tried to step back and act like you. You know, objective brainiac style.” His happiness was short-lived.

He slumped his weight onto one arm, his head drooping.

“I must’ve listened to the conversation like six times in the car.

I’m going to warn you… Even after hearing Ian’s smug voice say this shit a bunch of times, I still can’t promise I won’t get worked up over it. ”

I gnawed my lower lip. “That bad?”

“Hells to the yeah.”

“Um… Okay.” My voice wavered, the apprehension coughing the words out weaker than I’d hoped. “Let’s hear what he has to say.”

Toby mashed at a few buttons on his phone and dropped it on the blanket between us. “Just, uh…pretend you don’t hear the punching bit when it happens.”

I slapped my palm against my forehead. “Toby!”

“For the record, I fully psyched myself up not to hit him.” He flashed me a lopsided grin. “He just has a super punchable face sometimes.”

And with the grand sort of flourish only Toby could pull off, he hit play.