35. He Held His Wife #2
Gwen’s eyes widened as I edged closer, and her mouth curved into a silent “oh” as she stared at the very noticeable bulge in my pajamas. The shock seemed to lock her eyes exactly where I wished she wouldn’t look.
“Yeah.” I crossed my hands over my groin. “Ignore that.”
“You’re—but I’m—” She held out her top to look at it. Seeing more of her cotton knickers with the tiny bow at the top did nothing to improve the situation. Her eyebrows knitted together. “It’s just a ratty old T-shirt.”
I gulped. “Yeah.”
“It’s four sizes too big. It’s got holes in it.” She pointed at the trio of pinpricks where I could see the outline of one glorious boob peeking through.
Oh, sweet hell.
I screwed my eyes shut. “Please, doll, I’m trying to be a gentleman.” I dragged my hand down my face. “You’re sexy as hell, and it’s been a while since…any of that…”
Gwen rolled her eyes. “Not that long.”
I fought to keep my face neutral, but the stab of loneliness sliced deep.
Not that long? A whole year. Silently, I climbed onto the bed beside her, and after she slid under the sheets, I tucked the comforter under her chin just the way she liked it.
I didn’t sneak under. I found myself a cozy spot next to her with just enough space so she’d know I wouldn’t be trying any funny business.
“This okay?” I asked.
“I don’t want you to be cold. You can come under the covers.”
God, help me. “It’s probably best I don’t. Gentleman, remember?” I scooted closer but reached back, grabbed a pillow, and stuffed it over the embarrassing elephant in the room. “Is this okay?”
“I guess.” She rolled over to her side. She shimmied her pillow until it was puffed underneath her cheek. “Um, Toby?” Blue eyes blinked up at me.
“Yeah, doll?”
“It’s been a year, hasn’t it?”
Oh. She’d done the math, too. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Is that why you kissed Kayleigh?” Her voice wavered. “Because…we haven’t…?”
“It doesn’t matter if we haven’t slept together for fifty years. Forever, even. The kiss shouldn’t have happened.”
“You’re dodging the question.”
I sighed. “There are reasons , but I don’t want you to think I’m using them as excuses.”
“Just answer.”
“The answer’s complicated, I guess. I’ve talked about it a few times with Dylan.
” Her soft breaths filled the silence while I tried to collect the right words.
“The truth is, I kissed Kayleigh because she wanted me to. It was stupid, but I wanted a few seconds to feel like I wasn’t worthless. That I mattered.”
Gwen didn’t answer for a long time. “You always mattered to me.”
“I know.” I sighed. “It’s just…”
“What?”
“You floated away from me after you lost your job. We barely talked anymore, and every time I tried, we ended up in a fight. All the little touches, hugs, and kisses we shared were gone, too. I didn’t know how to tell if you still loved me when all that disappeared.”
“Of course I loved you. We said it—”
“Yeah. We said it. Quick at the end of every call. ‘Bye, I love you.’ It’s great, but it’s not the same for me.
” I’d never been so glad for the darkness as I was then.
I didn’t want Gwen to see how much it hurt to admit what I was about to.
“You were the only person in the whole world who used to hug me, Gwen. My parents never did. Hell, Tanya would’ve punched me in the face if I asked her for a cuddle.
Anyone can say a few words, but I knew you meant it because there was more.
I liked the extras.” I sighed. “Wanna know what I miss the most? Out of everything?”
“Ye–yeah.”
I scooted closer to her on the bed until our foreheads touched.
“When we got ready in the mornings, you’d come up behind me when I brushed my teeth.
You used to put your hand on my back, rest your head on my shoulder, and after your eyes found mine in the mirror, you’d smile and tell me to knock ’em dead. ”
“Really?” She didn’t believe me. “That’s what you miss more than anything?”
“Hell, yeah. That was the ego fuel that pumped me up until I was unbearably full of myself. I blitzed through work, knowing I was coming home to even more.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“How could you? I never told you. I never wanted to admit my loneliness out loud. You’re so strong. I worried you’d think I was acting like a big man-baby demanding how much attention I want from you.”
Gwen was quiet, taking it all in. “I guess I didn’t realize… I thought it was, you know…the sex you wanted.”
“I won’t lie. Sex with you is incredible. I’m talking earth-shattering, rockin’ the wheels off the bus, kind of incredible. But it’s the little touches I miss the most. I miss you .”
“I miss you too.” She sighed. “Do you ever think we can get back to where we were before?”
Thoughts raced through my mind. Erasing Kayleigh and every dumb choice I’d made since she’d been dumped in my lap sounded good, but… “No, and if I’m completely honest, I don’t want to.”
Gwen’s breath hitched, and she pulled back. I was quicker. My hand gently touched her arm and urged her to wait.
“We were struggling for a long time before Kayleigh came into the picture,” I explained.
“My choices only exploded what was already falling apart.” I reached up to tuck the loose hair behind Gwen’s ear and let my fingers linger a little too long on her cheek.
“I want what we’re working toward now. We’re talking and being honest with each other.
I don’t want us to keep looking back all the time.
I want us to keep going forward from here —better than before. ”
“I want to try, too.” Gwen’s hand folded over mine. “I really do.”
“Truly, Gwen?”
My heart stayed lodged in my throat for an eternity before Gwen softly said, “Yes.” I could make out her sweet smile in the dark. “Times infinity.”