Chapter 19
~Riley~
My feet pound into the hotel carpet as I storm back to my room, my stomach in knots.
The sting of rejection and humiliation would be bad enough on its own, but with each heartbeat, I’m dragged back to the moment I found Evelyn in Trevor’s bed.
The coldness that spread through me when I realized that I meant so little to them seeps through my veins again.
Everyone else seems to have no trouble finding someone to mess around with, no strings attached. But me? The first time I try to take control, initiate something casual and finally feel good about myself again, I get shot down.
Hard.
I’m bruised from the fall, and a little winded, but I know this feeling. It’s the same one I get when I fall on the ice, and just like on the ice, there’s only one thing to do: get back up and try again.
So, I will. I'll put my game face on and go find what I’m missing.
Nearly breaking the zipper on my suitcase as I fling it open, I start throwing clothes on the bed, looking for the sexiest thing I brought with me.
There’s bound to be someone in this city who’ll give me what I need.
Maybe Christian, or one of the other skaters from the club.
Maybe some random Finnish man I’ll never see again.
It doesn’t have to mean anything.
I don’t want it to mean anything.
The sequins of the sparkly shirt scrape my skin as I pull it on over my jeans, but I don’t stop.
Nor do I flinch when I brush my hair a little too hard, leaving long strands of it clinging to the brush.
My hand trembles as I draw my eyeliner heavier, but I have enough practice at doing my makeup for the ice that it comes out fine.
A thick coating of red lipstick completes the look, and I step back to survey myself with satisfaction.
Even if Hudson doesn’t appreciate it, somebody out there will.
Thankfully, Natalie gave me her number when we arrived for the weekend, so I text her to see where they are.
She shoots back the name of the club and the address, and a taxi outside the front door takes me there in only ten minutes.
Inside, loud music pumps out a steady beat, and I quickly spot the rest of the group from the club.
“Riley!” Natalie gives me a hug when I join them, which is out of character. We’ve never hugged before, and I’m guessing the drink in her hand has something to do with it. “Come and dance.”
Even if I wanted to say no, she gives me no choice, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me onto the crowded dance floor.
The bass of the music pounds in my chest, vibrating my ribcage as I move.
Alcohol and perfume cling to the air, and the heat from all the bodies wraps around me, but it’s not enough.
None of it is drowning out the ache in my chest.
Scanning the room, I recognize some of the other skaters from other countries, and I spot Christian with his hands on the hips of one of the Japanese ice dancers while they move in perfect rhythm.
His attention is completely focused on her, and he doesn’t even glance my way when I try to move into his line of vision.
So much for hooking up with him, but there are plenty of other men here, skaters and locals alike.
A group of men on one side of the dance floor catches my eye, and I do my best to attract their attention, making eye contact before moving my body to the music, swaying my hips in a way that I hope looks seductive.
It’s been a long time since I flirted with anyone.
Luckily, whatever I’m doing seems to work because it doesn’t take long until all five of them are watching me and Natalie.
She notices it too, leaning in close to yell in my ear over the music. “The one in the leather jacket is hot. What do you think?”
Honestly, when I look closer at each of them, nobody makes my body react the way Hudson did earlier. But he’s not here and I’m not looking for romance, so I settle on one of them. “I like the guy with the red shirt.”
“Nice choice.” Natalie nods her approval before beckoning the men over with a crook of her finger.
They immediately obey, pushing through the other dancers to join us.
Hot bodies press against me on both sides, and as the possibility that I might get my wish for tonight becomes more real, my stomach twists again.
If this is what I want, why doesn’t it feel like it?
The man on my right, the one in the red shirt, says something to his friend on my left, presumably in Finnish, and they both laugh.
A hand grazes my ass but I’m not sure who it belongs to.
Natalie has her hands on the chest of the man in the leather jacket while he presses his hips into her, and the other two guys in the group are eyeing her like she’s the last meal in a restaurant that’s about to close.
“No. No way.” Out of nowhere, Christian pushes himself into the circle the men had formed around us and pulls his sister away from the man in leather. “Get your ass back over here. You too.”
He points a warning finger in my direction and I stiffen. “You can’t tell me what to do. And for that matter, you can’t tell her what to do either.”
“Yeah,” Natalie huffs, trying to free her arm from Christian’s grasp and failing.
The men have started to move away, not interested in the scene the siblings are causing, and although I’m glaring at Christian, a secret relief fills my chest. “We’re both adults and just because Hudson told you to look out for Riley… ”
She trails off, clamping a hand over her mouth as if she could shove the words back in, and my eyes dart curiously between the two of them.
“Hudson did what?”
Christian exhales in frustration. “He just asked me to make sure you stay safe tonight.”
“Let me guess: his definition of staying ‘safe’ means staying celibate?” My arms cross as I wait for his reply, my cheeks burning once again, but now it’s in anger. Hudson doesn’t want me, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me either? How typical, from a guy I didn’t think was typical at all.
“Not at all, actually,” Christian argues. “He said if you want to leave with any of the skaters here, I shouldn’t interfere, but if it was someone we didn’t know, I should use my judgement. That’s what I’m doing. Those guys were giving off bad vibes, and I’m keeping both of you safe.”
He directs that last part to his sister as much as me, if not more, and she throws her hands up in exasperation before stalking off to the bar to get another drink. Christian steps closer to where I stand, my arms still crossed.
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Hudson, but he cares about you. His intentions are good.”
“He cares about me so much that he wants me to be miserable,” I snipe back. “All I wanted to do tonight was to celebrate. Feel good for a little while. To…”
The word hangs in the air as the rest of the sentence rings in my ears before I even speak it: to pay Trevor back for what he did.
Realization slams into me and my stomach turns so violently that I think I might be sick.
Is that what I was doing? Did I want to sleep with Hudson to get even with Trevor? To feel better about myself by using him?
Did I even really think about what he wanted at all?
Obviously, I didn’t, and now that I see that, it’s no wonder he said no.
Thank God he said no.
How much would I have hated myself in the morning if I realized it didn’t fix anything and I’d only made things awkward between us? How much would he have hated me?
Why do I keep making a mess of everything?
All my anger and hurt drain away, along with all the adrenaline I’ve been running on, first from the win and then from the heightened emotions of Hudson’s rejection. In its place, tears sting my eyes and Christian’s expression immediately softens.
“Come on, let’s go back to the hotel. We’ve all got an early flight tomorrow.”
It takes all my self-control not to break down while Christian gathers Natalie and the others, and we squeeze into a taxi back to our hotel.
He doesn’t say a word about what happened to the Japanese skater he was dancing with and I don’t ask.
My insides feel so hollow I don’t even have the strength to talk.
I make it all the way back to my room before my control slips.
Sinking to the floor inside the door, my tears break free, streaking their way down my face while I pull my knees to my chest, trying to hold myself together.
I haven’t cried since that morning, haven’t let myself cry over it, but this time, my tears aren’t for Trevor or for Evelyn.
They’re for me and all the pain I’ve been trying to hide, wallpapering over it for the last month with the new city and the new club and new bedsheets.
I cry for the woman who, for the first time in her life, felt like someone wanted and cherished her. The tears that fall onto the hardwood floor are for the woman no one has ever put first; not my father, not my mother, not my ‘best friend’ and not my boyfriend either.
For the first time since it happened, I let myself feel the pain of it, and when my tears finally subside, I do what I probably should have done a month ago: I pull out my phone and open my messages to see what Trevor and Evelyn have to say for themselves.
In the interests of being thorough, I start with the messages from the last day of Skate America, the same day I found them together. Going back and forth between the two chats, I can read through the messages in chronological order.
Trevor
Riley, please let me explain. I know you’ve got your skate this afternoon, but we need to talk this through. It was a mistake and I’m so sorry.
Evelyn
I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Neither of us wanted to hurt you.
Trevor
I went to your room but you’d already left for the rink. I’ll be here when you get back. Please come and talk to me.
Evelyn
It would be best for both of us to keep things professional at the rink today. We can talk later.
Trevor
Shit, it hurt to watch that performance. You’ll bounce back from it, I know you will. Come see me as soon as you get back. We’ll figure this out.
Trevor
Jillian said you changed your flight. Did you already leave? Riley, don’t shut me out. We need to talk.
Evelyn
Trevor’s really worried about you. We both are. Can’t we handle this like adults?
A few more messages from Trevor follow, mostly asking where I am, if I got home okay, and asking me to call him. After a lull that must have been overnight, the messages start up again in the morning.
Trevor
Fuck, Riley, at least let me know you’re safe. You weren’t at home last night, you’re not at the club this morning. Where are you?
Evelyn
You can’t afford to skip practices after that skate yesterday. Trevor wants to talk to you, he’s really distracted. You should be here.
Trevor
Do you want me to beg? This is me begging. Please, Riley, please pick up the phone and talk to me. Don’t throw away everything we have because of this. Don’t throw away all your season and all your hard work. You’re stronger than this. We’re stronger than this.
The messages carry on that way for a few days, and an interesting pattern begins to emerge, something I might not have noticed if I’d read them as they came in.
Evelyn constantly references Trevor, often using ‘we’ to refer to the two of them, but Trevor never once mentions her.
He refers to that morning, but never to Evelyn by name.
When it becomes very clear that I’m not going to answer his calls, he finally tries to explain himself over text.
Trevor
Since you won’t talk to me, please listen.
What happened was a mistake. We went out to celebrate, a bunch of us, and I had too much to drink.
I know it’s not an excuse, I fucking know that, but I wasn’t thinking straight.
The look on your face… fuck, Riley, I’ll never forget it.
It kills me to know I hurt you. I don’t want this to be the end.
Please, give me a chance to make it right. Please talk to me.
Evelyn’s version of events, when she gave it a few days later, reads quite differently.
Evelyn
It seems like you’re not coming back, so let’s clear the air.
There’s always been sexual tension between Trevor and me.
We never acted on it out of respect for you, but that night, one thing led to another.
It just happened. I’m sorry it hurt you, but I think it’s for the best. It was bound to happen sooner or later, and the way you reacted just proves why you and Trevor were never going to last anyway.
I pass the message from Trevor I responded to, the one where he got angry about me moving without telling him, and continue onto the more recent ones.
Trevor
I guess we’re done now? I can’t believe after all this time, you won’t even talk to me. I know I screwed up, but this is cruel, Riley. It hurts that you could give up on us so easily.
Trevor
Some of our skaters were at Cup of China. They asked the Riverbend skaters about you so they could tell me how you’re doing. They said you’re fine. I’m glad one of us is.
The messages from Evelyn stop, but the ones from Trevor keep coming, right up until this weekend.
Trevor
I’m watching the live feed from Helsinki and you look incredible on the ice. Evelyn says I need to accept you’re gone and not coming back. She says I need to get over it. Are you over it? Was it really that easy?
That’s the last message, and I lower my phone, my head throbbing with a low ache from everything I read, the wine I drank with Hudson, and the adrenaline crash from the club.
I try to pull in a steady breath, but the weight in my chest refuses to let up.
I don’t know what I was hoping for. Some kind of resolution, maybe? Instead, I found more chaos.
So many things I want to say to Trevor, to Evelyn, and to Hudson flit around inside my head but it’s well after midnight, and sleeping on it before I do anything seems like the best course of action. In the morning, things should be clearer.
In the morning, I can decide exactly what I want to do next.