Solae
Friday afternoon, I sat nervously at the defense table as the prosecution brought up their expert witnesses.
Since my attorney had thought it best that I didn’t testify, the prosecution could not question me.
However, they had brought up so many witnesses to speak against me: the DCFS case worker that had taken my kids, Rah’s parents, and medical experts that testified that the wounds could not have been made in self-defense.
With each testimony, I cringed. I could feel my mother rub my back every now and then as she sat behind me on the other side of the partition.
I had made the kids go to school, so they weren’t present in the courtroom.
I couldn’t imagine having to face them if this all went south.
And once the prosecution rested, My knees felt weak when the judge’s voice rang out: “We’ll take a fifteen-minute recess while I consider the matter.”
When the judge disappeared into chambers, I went to my family and Priest, and they surrounded me.
Priest slid behind me and pulled me against him until my cheek was pressed into his chest. My mother and Kahlani’s hands rubbed slow circles into my back, trying to soothe what couldn’t be.
My father told me that everything was going to be alright.
But I knew better. I had heard the prosecution’s witnesses. They painted me like some jealous, bitter woman that was violent and dangerous.
I dragged in a shaky breath and forced myself to look up. My eyes found my lawyer’s, and I whispered, “What do you think he’s going to decide?”
He didn’t sugarcoat it. “It’s up in the air. The State’s witnesses came across stronger than we wanted. Their testimony was… damaging.”
The air left my lungs. From the corner of my eye, I saw Kahlani’s lashes lower as tears welled in her eyes. She tried to blink them back, but they slid down her cheeks anyway.
As I sat there trying to keep my stomach’s contents from rising, the people who loved me tried to pour strength into me.
My mother told me that the judge had to see the truth.
My father squeezed my shoulder and swore he could feel in his bones that I was walking out of there free.
Kahlani kept her hand over mine, whispering through her tears that I wasn’t going to prison.
Priest just held me.
But across the aisle, Rah’s family laughed and chatted like they were at a cookout, as if this trial was nothing but a game to them. Every smirk and chuckle felt like a deliberate taunt, like they wanted me to see that they didn’t care if I rotted.
I could see where Rah got it from. His family was arrogant, delusional, and loud.
They stood there haughty while the same man I was on trial for stabbing was being held without bond for murdering his own friends.
But of course, in their twisted world, Rah was still innocent.
He could have committed murder right in front of them, and they’d still swear he was a saint.
“All rise,” the bailiff suddenly called.
My blood froze. The recess was over. The judge was coming back in.
I pulled away from Priest, though his hand lingered on my arm, and walked back to the defense table on trembling legs. As I sank into my chair, nausea churned so violently that I pressed a hand to my stomach.
Everyone sat up straighter, waiting for the judge to speak.
My mouth went dry. When the judge adjusted his glasses and looked down at his notes, I could hear my heartbeat.
“This court has carefully considered the testimony presented, the exhibits admitted, and the closing arguments of both parties. The State charged the defendant with Attempted First-Degree Murder. However, the evidence, as it stands, fails to establish beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant intended to kill the complainant.”
I closed my eyes for a second, feeling my lungs collapsing and expanding at the same time.
“What the evidence does establish is that the defendant caused serious bodily injury with a deadly weapon. The court cannot and will not ignore the recording submitted, wherein the complainant himself admitted to lying to law enforcement and manipulating the truth of this matter. That admission calls into question the credibility of the State’s key witness and supports the defense’s claim of longstanding provocation.
Still, the stabbing itself occurred. Therefore, this court finds the defendant guilty of the lesser-included offense of Aggravated Battery with a Deadly Weapon. ”
Gasps rippled through the gallery. I couldn’t even look toward Rah’s family. My eyes stayed fixed on the judge.
“Having no prior criminal record, and in consideration of the unique circumstances of this case, I sentence the defendant to a term of one year in the Illinois Department of Corrections.”
The floor seemed to tilt beneath me. A year. Not thirty. Not life. But, still, the thought of losing time with my kids was crippling.
The judge’s eyes softened just a bit as she spoke again. “Ms. Carter, given your compliance throughout these proceeding, this court will allow you one week to self-surrender to begin your sentence.”
My attorney touched my arm under the table, whispering, “That’s mercy, Solae. That’s the best we could have hoped for.”
But all I could do was sit there, numb, my hands trembling in my lap.
I was going to prison.
“Oh God!” I heard my mother cry out.
I just stared ahead with bulging eyes. I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to prison.
I had known that it was a possibility all this time, but I still couldn’t believe that I had actually been found guilty.
It was hard to appreciate that I was only going away for a year because I would miss a year of my kids’ lives, when prior to them being taken away, I had never missed a day.
I felt like I had ruined my children’s lives. I had chosen the wrong man. And now, they didn’t have either parent because they would both be locked up.
I could feel my mother’s hand on my shoulder, but I couldn’t look back at her. I could hear another cry, most likely Kahlani’s. I couldn’t face them. I was too ashamed.
I had done this to hurt Rah, but all I had actually done was inflict pain on myself and family while giving Rah another win.