Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Now
Raine
I ’ve been awake for two hours, and the sun still hasn’t inched above the horizon. I’m sitting on the couch next to the window in my living room with the curtains drawn back and the blinds pushed all the way to the top. I blink up toward what I can see of the sky through the towering buildings. It’s filled with the dull, gray light that always comes before dawn, like it’s trying to decide how to wake up for the day. I’m attempting to do the same.
I’ve already showered, put on some light makeup, and slipped into a black pencil skirt with an olive-green blouse. My hair is wrapped into a tight knot at the base of my skull. When I look into the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself.
I move into the kitchen to make myself an omelet with avocado toast for breakfast. It feels strange eating breakfast alone. It had become a daily tradition between Samuel and me. We enjoyed spending the morning together before our busy schedules took over.
Behind my eyes is a dull ache from the tears I shed all night and again when I woke up this morning. My eyes feel like sandpaper anytime I blink. When I called Olivia last night, instead of watching a movie together over FaceTime, like we had planned, the movie was left playing in the background, unwatched, as I dished all my feelings out to her. She has always been the best listener, and she also unapologetically gives me her advice whether or not it is something I want to hear—it wasn’t, this time.
As much as it pains me to admit, Olivia is right. It devastates me to think that I have spent so many years working toward building this life in Rockdale, something I am very proud of, only to slowly lose interest in it. There are also certain memories that I’ve worked hard to forget so that I can try to live a more peaceful life. Unfortunately, I never could fully forget. For a while, the past only haunted me when I was alone. But lately, it has clung to my subconscious and surfaces any chance it can.
A thought is a hard thing to control.
I used to want a life that was long-term in the city, and at one point, Samuel felt like the best anchor for that. And then I chose to run away, like I always do when things start to feel too serious, when someone feels too close to my heart.
I can choose to stand here and spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months overanalyzing the relationship I had with Samuel, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve or would’ve happened, or I can choose to leave the pieces on the floor and move on.
A knock on the front door causes me to jump. I walk toward the door, and my breath hitches as I open it and see a familiar pair of crystal-blue eyes staring back at me. Samuel is standing in front of me, holding a cup of GiGi’s coffee, wearing dark shadows under his eyes that tell me he hasn't slept much. My eyes sweep across his face, wide with shock from seeing him here.
I take a moment to catalog his face—the lines by his eyes and how deep his frown is. He runs a hand through his short black hair, messing up his styled waves, and lets out a deep breath. Once I feel brave enough to look into his piercing eyes, dread squeezes against my heart.
“Hey,” he starts, coughing away his nervousness. “I, uh…wanted to see how you’re doing. I brought you a coffee.”
A part of me wants to make up an excuse to leave the house in a hurry. Instead, I choose to stay, giving him a nod, and move out of his way. As he passes me, I try my best not to inhale the intoxicating scent of him. He is wearing my favorite cologne, and it makes me feel even more on edge.
Why is he here? He broke up with me .
I shut the front door and take five seconds to count as I breathe. It does nothing to help my nerves, but I feel stronger. I turn and catch him watching, his stare burning into me as I walk past him and lean against my kitchen island.
“Why are you here, Sam?” I ask, my heart beating so hard I am sure he can hear it.
“I told you. I just wanted to check on you. It’s weird, you know, not having breakfast together.” He acts like the breakup has been harder on him than it has been on me. He was the one who chose to end us. I guess, in a way, I did too, when I decided I didn’t want to move in with him. “I miss you.”
Samuel closes the distance between us and reaches for my face, pushing a piece of loose hair behind my ear, his other hand gripping my hip. I have no time to react when he leans his face into mine and plants his warm lips onto my own. No matter how hard I try to fight it, Ryland’s face pops into my mind, as he has been doing lately. Why he has chosen now to resurface in my mind after all these years is beyond me.
Maybe it’s because of my frequent beach trips that trigger memories of him. Maybe it’s because I finally allowed myself to feed my curiosity and looked him up on social media. Maybe it was when I discovered an old Polaroid photo of him or the rainbow necklace that was in a box of items my Mamaw sent me for Christmas. Either way, the memory of him found its way back to me.
Mamaw’s gifts for me this past Christmas were pieces of home: a bottle of local honey, a homemade candle, a small painting made by her, and a photo album she mentioned that she pulled out of my old room and thought I would love to have. It all stirred something inside of my heart, especially with the way she expressed how much she was missing me. She’s always been supportive of my move and life in Rockdale—up until the last several months anyway.
I pull away from his kiss and allow my shoulders to sag in defeat. “Sam,” I whisper, placing a hand onto his chest and pushing him gently away. I forget all about my uneaten breakfast and start pacing back and forth in between the small space of my living room and kitchen. He leans against the kitchen island, where I once was, as if he needs the extra support after my rejection.
“You miss me?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he replies, and the frown finally lifts into a small smile.
“But you broke up with me.”
This is so awkward. Why is this so awkward?
He grabs the coffee he bought for me and brings it to me. As our fingers brush against one another, he takes advantage and wraps his whole hand around mine. It’s comforting, and I appreciate it. But what I also notice is no spark when our skin touches. The spark has been gone for me for a while now. I hate myself for it.
He leans down and places a small peck on my cheek. I lean into him, begging myself to try to feel more drawn to him than I do at this moment. Samuel has been nothing but good to me. He deserves so much better than what I was able to give him when we were dating.
“Let’s talk?” He says it like a question and motions to the couch .
I nod and cling to my coffee, inhaling the scent of vanilla, cinnamon, and coffee beans, before taking a brave step toward the couch. I take a seat and he sits down next to me. I take a sip of my coffee, enjoying its warmth, before I dare to look at him.
He’s extremely handsome in a well-kept kind of way. He takes pride in his appearance, especially for his job, and that used to be something I never really cared about in a man. It might be part of the reason I was so drawn to him in the first place. Because he is so different from Ryland.
“So,” he starts and places a hand on my knee. I tense unintentionally and he removes his hand. Instead, he clasps them together and leans forward, leaning his elbows onto his knees. “I know I broke things off, but maybe I was trying to rush things with us, and that scared you.”
I blink, taking another sip of my coffee to keep myself busy, before nodding in response. I’m glad he’s starting the conversation, because I’m not sure that I would.
“I figured, after three years, it was time for the next step in our relationship. I thought you were ready and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” he adds cautiously.
I nod a second time, unsure of the words I need to say or what he’s wanting to hear. My eyes fall toward the ground, my nervousness buzzing in the air around us.
“It bothered me that you didn’t want to take that next step. It made me question our whole relationship, and out of anger, I ended things, thinking that it was what was best for us.”
Where is he going with this? What is he wanting to ask? And what am I willing to tell him?
He runs a hand through his hair and squeezes the back of his neck. “I think I rushed into both things—wanting to move in and then breaking up with you. I don’t want to be without you, Raine. I’m willing to wait for that next step until you’re ready.”
“But what if I’m never ready?” I say, my words coming out quickly .
He runs his hands through his hair again and I notice the slightest tremble. This must be bothering him more than I thought. I knew I couldn’t run forever, and right now, life is hitting me like a freight train, forcing me to face the music I tried so hard to mute. Every emotion I had tucked away returns at once, and I’m not ready to deal with them all. I’m not prepared for this.
“I, uh…well, I don’t know,” he stutters, looking down at the carpet.
Tears sting against my eyes and the back of my throat feels like it’s about to close in on itself. I do my best to blink the tears away, not wanting him to see how fear is getting the best of me.
“I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for the next step with you, Samuel. I’m sorry,” I admit and hate myself for the flash of pain behind his eyes when he looks over at me.
“What are you saying?” he asks.
“I’m saying that breaking up was what was best for us. You were right,” I say, the words tasting metallic in my mouth.
The thought of living with him unravels me, and the truth continues to spill out. “I promised myself ten years ago that I would never put my heart in danger of getting broken again. Moving in with you could make things more real, more permanent. When you asked me to move in with you, I realized then that, even after all these years, I’m still not ready for it.”
I wipe away the fresh tears that are on my cheek and look at Samuel. His blue eyes bounce across my face, searching for answers I’m not sure that I have to give, before he exhales and cups my face into his hands. “But what if you could be in three more years? You can’t predict the future. Unless this is all because you’re not in love with me.”
If I tell him the truth now, I will be admitting defeat. Admitting that this life I’ve built for myself in Rockdale has all been for nothing. That even after moving away from home to try to find myself, I have somehow still ended up lost.
I want so badly to be found.
I exhale and do my best to gather my emotions. I remove myself from his touch, and instead, I lean over and place my hands together. I silently pray for guidance, that God will put the words into my mouth that I need to say, that whatever is in His will be done. I pray for peace, but it never comes. My nerves only grow more as silence passes between us.
I open my eyes and look back at Samuel, his dark brows pulling together in concern, and I choose not to run anymore. I choose to speak the truth to him. He deserves to know.
“I gave my heart to someone a long time ago and I never got it back. I never could fully give myself to you, Sam…not all of me. Just the parts I was willing to share. I care so much for you, but I never allowed myself to fall in love with you.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but the sound of my phone ringing on the coffee table interrupts me. I look over and see the name Papaw on the screen. I could call him back once Samuel leaves, but something deep within my gut tells me to answer now. I hold up a finger to Samuel, signaling that I need to take this call. He frowns, not happy with me for answering.
“Hey, Papaw,” I say softly and stand up. I walk into the kitchen and put my back against the counter.
“Raine.” I could never forget my mother’s voice. Even if I last heard it ten years ago when she told me to leave. Why is my mother calling me from my Papaw’s phone?
I clear my throat but am unable to say anything. I’ve suppressed everything for so long. I don’t know how to act around her anymore.
“Raine, it’s your mother,” she states, like I don’t recognize her. “I’m sorry to call you like this, but your grandmother?—”
Her breath catches, and I can hear her silent sniffles echo through the speaker and into my heart. What about my Mamaw? I want to ask, but my words are trapped inside my throat.
“She, uh… She had a heart attack and…” Another excruciating pause is between us. “And she is in the hospital right now hook ed up to some machines. I knew I should be the one to tell you… You probably should think about coming?—”
I can’t seem to hear anymore. There is a piercing sound vibrating inside my ears and my mother’s words are the only thing bouncing inside of my thoughts. “ She had a heart attack. ” She has to be lying. My Mamaw is okay. She has to be okay.
God, you told me she was going to be okay.
“Raine?” a voice speaks behind me, pushing through the ringing in my ears. “Is everything okay?”
Samuel. It's Samuel speaking. He's still here in my tiny apartment that is twelve hours away from my Mamaw. I blink and feel fresh tears spill from my eyes. I reach up to wipe them away, noticing the phone is no longer in my hand but is sitting on the floor by my feet. I look down and hear a faint, “Raine?” coming from the speaker.
I reach down to pick it up and say, “I’ll be there,” before hitting the red end button.
After ten years of living without her as a part of my life, ten years of her never trying to reach out to me, to apologize for what she did, ten years of working hard on repairing my heart from the damage she caused…ten years…and she’s asking me to come home.
It hits me in that moment— something bad must have happened, maybe this is more than just a heart attack. What was it she said? Something about machines? What kind of machines?
“Machines?” Samuel whispers, his voice laced in confusion. I must have been talking out loud. He is close to me now as I spin around and face him. The uncertainty on his face melts away as he rushes to me and wraps his arms around me.
Samuel takes his large hands and wipes away my tears with his thumbs. His eyes search for answers in mine but I don’t want to say it out loud. It will make everything feel real, and I want nothing more than to escape this reality that I seem to have slipped into .
Samuel shakes me lightly and I snap out of the trance my mother’s voice put me in. “Babe, what happened? Please tell me what’s wrong. You're so pale.”
Babe . That one word stabs my heart and unlocks the emotions I’m trying hard to keep trapped inside. Samuel wraps me into his arms and allows me to weep into his chest. I’ve tried my best to not show my emotions, especially tears, in front of anyone, but most of all him . Our conversation from before feels like it happened a long time ago. It’s as if days have passed when it's only been a few minutes.
Once I feel my tears stop, I mentally build the walls back up around my heart and try to prepare myself for what lies ahead of me. “Do you feel like talking about it?” he whispers against my ear.
I want to lean against him, nudge my nose into the crease of his neck so I can breathe him in a bit longer, and wrap my arms around his waist to bring him closer. I want to do this all out of comfort; however, it’s time to let go of those urges. I can’t string him along anymore. I owe that to him.
I remove myself from his embrace and make my way down the hallway. “My Mamaw had a heart attack,” I say flatly, feeling myself begin to numb. “I have to go back home.”
Samuel’s eyes stay locked onto mine and he nods in understanding. I can tell from the look on his face that he wants to ask more but chooses not to. Instead, he asks, “Would you like me to look for flights there? Cove…what’s the name again?”
“Covewood, Kentucky,” I reply, my back still toward him.
I walk into my bedroom and grab a duffel bag from the bottom of my closet and start piling it full of clothes. I open the drawer to my nightstand and see the rainbow necklace laying inside. The sight of it is enough to send me to my knees. I allow myself one more moment to feel as I place the gold chain around my neck and clasp it together. It brings me a sense of comfort as I place the pendant between my fingertips and give it a squeeze.
My mind goes blank as I manage to turn off all my thoughts and return to packing. It’s a defense mechanism I adapted years ago. It’s something I used to do growing up. Something that has apparently never gone away.
I zip the bag shut and begin to fill another one with more clothes. A soft knock comes from my bedroom door. I jump at the sound and turn to see Samuel’s apologetic expression. “I couldn’t find any flights that would be leaving anytime soon.”
“Alright,” I reply. Driving there seems like my only option at the moment. If I drive, I can pile my car with more of my things, in case I need to stay and— I bite my bottom lip and fight against the new tears that try to form. I take a moment to breathe in deeply and pray for strength. “I’ll drive,” I add, nodding in agreement with myself.
“Are you sure? I’m not sure if you should,” Samuel admits and walks closer to me.
I take a step back and busy myself by grabbing my camera bag and laptop. “I’ll be fine.”
“Raine.” He huffs, and my eyes snap toward him. “It’s okay to?—”
“I said I’ll be fine, Samuel. I have to pack and leave as soon as possible, so I think it’s best that you leave now.” My voice sounds unfamiliar. Flat. All emotion ripped away and tucked inside a box.
“I don’t feel right, leaving you like this,” he admits. “Even if you don’t love me.” Hurt is laced within his words. The last thing that I wanted was to hurt him in this way. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to deal with it. I need to go back home .
“Sam, I’m sorry, but I need to go.”
Samuel’s face falls in defeat, and after a few moments of him fighting with himself, he nods in agreement before turning toward the door. He starts to walk down the hallway but stops and spins around to face me once more. “Will you call me when you make it there?”
“Yes,” I promise him .
He taps the door frame two times, lost in thought for a moment or struggling to leave me, before he finally turns and walks away. As soon as I hear the front door close, I rush to grab the rest of my things.
Even if I return to Covewood and the past tries to make me a hostage of the painful memories I left behind, I will try my best to be brave. I will fight to be strong. I have lied to myself long enough, and my heart is telling me that it's time to go. It's time to finally return home and face the demons that I left behind.