Chapter 5
Chapter Five
Now
Ryland
I t’s been one of those days where the minutes go by too slowly and everything seems to collapse onto one another. Nothing fits quite right and the sunlight shines with no warmth. There is this constant feeling lingering, like I’m forgetting something, but I don’t know what.
Twenty-eight hours have dragged by since Johanna arrived at the hospital. For the first few hours, I did everything I could to keep myself busy. I spent my time grabbing anything Johanna’s family needed from town and went for multiple coffee and food runs. I returned home for a few hours last night to tuck Annabelle into bed and struggled to sleep myself. I came back to the hospital early this morning after dropping Annabelle off at school, and I have sat next to Earl ever since.
Sooner or later, I'm going to have to think about what happened, and then I'm going to be a mess.
So, I continue to find ways to stay busy. I make small talk with the townsfolk who arrive. I hand out muffins that Olivia brought for everyone. I grab coffee for what feels like the fiftieth time. I make sure that Earl is okay. It’s all I can do to keep myself together.
Earl and Johanna have become a big part of my life. I have always made sure to keep a close eye on them. They’re family to me. A second set of grandparents I didn’t ask for but happily gained. Watching Johanna go through this feels like losing my grandparents all over again.
I fight to contain my emotions, to stay strong for everyone that sits in the hospital waiting room with me, but it’s growing harder to do the longer we wait for answers. The last update we were told was that Johanna’s body has stopped fighting the machines and has finally settled down. Her heart needs surgery, but the good news is that she is able to have it.
All we need is to get the results of her MRI, which is what they’re doing now. The doctors need to see if she’s still in there somewhere after ten minutes of her heart stopping.
“I tried my best,” I said over and over to Luke on the drive to the hospital and again to Earl, who in return gave my arm a pat as if silently saying, “I know.” I never stopped pushing and fighting for her life on that kitchen floor until the ambulance arrived. And yet, I carry this heaviness of did I do enough ?
Earl told me earlier that Raine is on her way. How do I explain to her that I wasn’t enough to help her grandmother? How can I face her after what happened between us all those years ago? I don’t think anything could have prepared us for this.
My phone vibrates inside my pocket, stealing my attention. “Hello?”
“Hey, honey. How is she?” Mom’s voice vibrates from the speaker. I excuse myself and walk down the hallway, away from everyone.
“I’m not sure. We haven’t heard any new updates yet. Some of her family has been able to go back and see her, but…I don’t know. I’m not sure I can handle seeing her hooked to machines. It’s too much like?— ”
I hear a sniffle and the clanking of dishes in the background. “I understand. I can’t imagine how you must feel being back there and watching them go through this. That's why I don’t think I can be there.”
I nod, even though she can’t see me. “I know. They understand that. Plus, I need your help with Annabelle, and I’m very grateful for it.”
I’ve been a single parent since Annabelle was just an infant. Her mother struggled with postpartum depression, amongst other things, and she left us both. She even signed over her rights, giving me full custody of our daughter. It’s not been an easy journey, but it could be a lot harder.
Mom and Zane have been a huge help with Annabelle. Sometimes, Luke comes over to offer a distraction so I can get a few things done around the house. Other times, Earl and Johanna step in and babysit on the days Mom can’t. The community Annabelle and I have is such a blessing.
“Of course. That’s what grandmas are for.” The word grandma stings, and I release a pent-up breath in response. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I assure her, even though my heart tells me otherwise.
“I’ll be praying,” she says, “and I’ll let you know when Annabelle and I are back home after I pick her up from school. If you need anything, please let me know.”
“I will,” I reply. “Thank you. I love you.”
“I love you too, honey. Remember, God is in control.”
We end our phone call, and I take a few seconds to collect my thoughts and get a better grip on my emotions. I fight back the hot tears that are stinging my eyes. I have to stay strong. Why does it always seem to take me ten times as long to put myself back together as it does to fall apart?
I inhale a deep breath and turn to take a step back toward the waiting room; however, my whole body halts at the sight of her .
Sometimes, it can feel like the past and the future are pressing so hard on either side that there’s no room for the present. That is exactly what this moment feels like to me. It’s as if I am seeing a ghost, but instead of feeling scared, all I want to do is reach out and touch her. To make sure she’s really here.
Raine is running down the hallway in front of me. She’s wearing a black pencil skirt that hugs her hips, sending me flashbacks of when my hands used to do the same, and a green dressy shirt. She looks bewildered. Her lips are tucked into a thin line. Her grayish-blue eyes are wide with fear and framed with dark circles.
Once her eyes lock on mine, she slows to a jog, stopping only a few feet from me.
It’s been ten years since I’ve laid eyes on Raine, and that memory has me feeling unsettled. There are certain people who come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Even years later, I can still feel the hurt of knowing that we never really said goodbye. We just kind of ended.
The Raine I see before me is someone different from the woman who used to be my best friend, someone I fell for and loved with my whole heart. I had to let go of that version of Raine the moment she decided to leave Covewood.
Gosh , she is still so beautiful. I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t searched for her on social media from time to time. She doesn’t post many images of herself on Instagram, and her Facebook page is private. I never had the guts to try and add her as a friend. It was better that way.
The only time I got to see her over the years was through photos that our mutual friends, Olivia and Luke, had hanging in their homes or shared on their social media, or things that Earl and Johanna would show me from time to time.
The images didn’t do her any justice. During the beginning of our friendship, Raine embraced her natural beauty, letting her natural wavy dark-blonde hair hang wildly down her back, and she kept a bare face, never feeling the need for makeup. I witnessed a change in her, as if her natural sunshine became shaded by certain people in her life.
The last few years of high school, she chopped her hair into a short bob and dyed it fun colors. She claimed it was her way of being a rebel, but I always knew that the real reason was because it was something she could control in her life.
Somehow, between then and now, Raine has gone back to embracing her natural hair color and has it twisted into a well-kept bun at the nape of her neck. A loose strand has fallen and goes past her shoulders. It makes me wonder what her hair would look like down. Would she look more like my best friend from the past?
Her body, which used to be a little shorter and thinner, looks toned and cared for. Her eyes seem the same, which brings me a sense of relief, even though the expression on her face is indifferent. It’s clear that I’m not able to read her like I once could.
My eyes follow the loose strands of her hair to where the edges touch the nape of her neck, and that’s when I notice it—the rainbow necklace that I gifted to her years ago. She kept it? Even after everything that happened between us? What does that mean?
“Raine,” I say her name, unsure of what else there is to say at this moment. My brain can’t seem to catch up with what is happening around me. Having her stand here right in front of me, wearing the necklace, does something to my already broken heart. I’m filled with nerves now, and I catch myself leaning back on the heels of my feet, unsure of what to say or do.
I run a hand through my hair for a second time and stare at her like an idiot. She takes a step forward, blinking a few times, as if she can’t believe it’s me standing in front of her. “You’re here,” she says, nearly a whisper.
“Of course I am,” I reply, giving her a nod.
“I, uh…thank you for being here for them,” she adds and th en looks past me down the hall that leads into the waiting room where her family and some of the townsfolk wait patiently. “Where’s Papaw?”
I point over my shoulder down the hall. “He’s down here. I can take you to him.” I place both my hands inside my pockets, keeping my eyes forward and not on her, as I lead her down the hallway. Once we’re in the waiting room entrance, I announce, “I found someone for you, Earl.”
It’s the first time since arriving at the hospital that I see pure joy on that man’s face. Raine is holding back tears as she rushes towards him and practically jumps into his arms. I wish that I could share with her the lightness I feel in my chest or the warmth that floods me with having her here and seeing her smile.
Instead, I take a step back to give them some space. My eyes wander across the waiting room until they land on Raine’s mother, Shannon. She’s watching Raine closely with an unreadable expression on her face. If only I could read minds. What I would give to know what’s going through her thoughts in this moment.
Shannon has changed over the years, especially after she married Preston about four years ago. She seems to have been blessed with a second chance at life. I don't know if she and Raine have spoken over the years, but with the way Raine’s eyes are piercing into Shannon’s with a look of resentment washing over her, I assume they haven’t.
Shannon seems to be fighting an internal battle. Preston whispers something into her ear that calms her and has her relaxing in her seat. This is probably for the best as I see the relief in Raine’s eyes. Now isn’t the time to try and approach their issues. However, I hope things can be repaired for them in the near future so their heartbreak with one another can be resolved.
Maybe the same could happen for Raine and me .
One issue at a time, Ryland.
I sense movement to my left and catch the sight of Olivia and Luke making their way through the entrance. I walk over to greet my friends. Olivia gives me a small hug and then rushes to Raine’s side. Luke places his hand into mine for a tight handshake before following Olivia.
Once Olivia releases her hold on Raine, Luke steps toward her, and his face falls. He wraps her into a tight embrace, and they stand there for a while, rocking back and forth. He plants a kiss on the side of her head and whispers something into her ear before moving away and wiping a tear from her cheek.
The three of them take their seats across from Earl, and I’m unsure of what to do with myself, so I move over to stand next to Felix Grady, one of Pops’ and Earl’s good friends. He gives my shoulder a quick pat in greeting before returning his attention to the baseball game that’s playing on the nearby television.
Normally, when a baseball game is on, I’m hooked. It’s even my favorite team playing, the Utah Big Horns, and as Max Hunter hits a home run, instead of cheering, I’m fighting the urge to look over at Raine. I mean, how can I not look at her? I’ve prayed for years that I would see her in person again. It all feels surreal, and I don’t want to take this blessing for granted. But now isn’t the time to talk about our history.
She’s holding Earl’s hand and listening to something that Luke is saying. A slight grin pulls at her lips. I stand in silence, trying not to memorize every softened wrinkle of those lips, the height of her cheekbones, the curvature of her collar bone.
As if sensing me staring, she looks up at me. For the first time since she entered the room, she fixes her gaze intently on mine. Something twists and pulls between us. I feel it as sure as a touch against my arm, a squeezing to my chest.
We’re only empty shells of what we could’ve been, and our eyes are full of unsaid words. She blinks and returns her attention back to Luke, who hasn’t stopped talking. I feel the desire buzzing inside of me to walk over there, to sit next to them, and let Raine know that, even after everything, I will always be here for her. But instead, I tell myself that I’m not worthy. I gave that right up ten years ago.