Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Ten Years Before
Ryland
T he moonlight bounces off the lake’s surface, reflecting in Raine’s eyes as she looks up at the stars above us. I bite my lip and fight against the urge to kiss her. Kissing her always enchants me, and I don’t want to lose my focus. I brought her to the lake for a reason. I want her to be surrounded by the calmness as I break the news to her.
Our feet are pedaling in sync together as we move through the lake water in the pedal boat. I wrap my arm around her and bring her close, enjoying the scent of her floral shampoo as her hair hits my nose. I give her head a kiss and try to muster up the courage that I need to get this off my chest. I’ve held onto this news for weeks now, lost countless hours of sleep, and know that this isn't going to be an easy conversation.
But it needs to happen tonight.
“It feels surreal that we finally graduated,” she whispers and snuggles closer to me.
There’s so much joy laced in her words. The moment we tossed our graduation caps into the air, I saw the weight lift from her. The world around us seemed to move in slow motion as I watched her smile grow and a cheer leave her lips. I’ve never seen Raine as happy as she was today.
I hate myself for what I’m about to tell her.
“The future is ours!” she shouts, throwing her hands into the air and smiling brilliantly at me. Her smile falters the moment she takes in my expression. “What is it?”
“I have something that I need to talk to you about,” I admit.
Raine brings her arms down, and her body grows stiff with anticipation. I think she knows what I’m about to say, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. Either way, this all sucks and is unfair.
She shifts her weight, turning so that she’s facing me, and watches me closely as she waits for my explanation. The rainbow necklace is between her fingers, and she’s twisting it nervously. I run a hand through her hair, playing with the brightly colored strands between my fingers, hoping to calm her. She’s absolutely beautiful.
And she deserves so much more than what I can give her.
Her eyes dance with mine, searching for the answer, and as her eyebrows draw together, I know she has found a piece of the truth lying within them. I inhale deeply, allowing the murky water scent to fill my lungs, and I take a second to prepare what I have to say to her.
I reach for her hand, thankful that she allowed me to pull her closer, and lock my eyes onto hers. “Pops isn’t doing so well.”
I try to hide the quiver within my voice, but as Raine’s brows pinch together, I know she heard it. The pain written upon my face reflects on hers. She grabs my hand tighter, bracing the two of us for what’s to come. She already knows what I need to say without even speaking the words. With us, silence has always been a conversation.
“I— Zane and I— We talked for a long time last night about how we could help Pops. With Nan gone, it’s like his broken heart has been too much for him to handle. It’s made things worse for him knowing my plan to leave after graduation. The past few months, Pops’ business has been falling apart, and he can’t seem to keep any reliable or trustworthy help.”
She squeezes my hand. “You want to stay and help him.”
I nod my head. I know what this means for our plans. We are supposed to use our savings, find an affordable place to live, and go to college together in a town that would give us distance from here. One that would be close enough that we can travel back home to visit family and friends. Raine would finally have her freedom, and with that, we can be together without Davis coming between us.
However, I can’t ignore what my heart is telling me. I have to do what’s best for the ones that I love. I have to let Raine go.
“I can’t leave him, Raine. Not right now. Not like this. He’s—” The words are lodged in my throat as emotions swell inside me.
Raine reaches up and places a hand against my cheek. “I know how important Pops is to you. I think you should stay. We’ll figure something out together.”
Growing up with a selfish father who was abusive helped me to appreciate just how good of a man my Pops is. He stepped into my life and did everything he could to heal my heart. Pops is my hero. If anyone shined the light of Jesus, it was him. He doesn’t deserve to walk through this grief alone.
Watching him have to say goodbye to the love of his life has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my nineteen years of life. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I abandoned him when he needed me the most. I owe him more than that.
But to hinder Raine’s plans of freedom…that hurts just as bad, if not more. Because I know if Davis continues to control her—and he’s made it clear that he will—she won’t be happy. And what if she resents me afterward?
“I don’t want to change our plans,” I admit, leaning my cheek into her palm .
“I know that. But right now, you need to be here for Pops,” she whispers as a large tear rolls down her cheek. I can’t watch her cry, so I look down at our hands. “So, we'll stay, and we can reevaluate after six months and go from there. I want to be able to help Pops too, if I can.”
My head snaps up to look at her. “What?” My nose crinkles in confusion.
“I’m not leaving you, Ryland.” Raine’s eyes soften to warm, bright puddles of blue.
“You have to. There’s no way that I’m going to let you stay and suffer any longer. You have to go. We can try long distance for a while until I get Pops back on his feet and feel comfortable leaving,” I plead and wipe away the wetness from her cheeks.
“Long distance will suck,” she says softly and moves her focus onto a boat that’s drifting in the distance. The waves find their way toward us, crashing against the pedal boat, rocking us back and forth, much like how life is treating us at this moment. “I don’t want to be miles away from you.”
“I know. I don’t want that either,” I add, taking both of her hands into mine. “But I refuse to let you?—”
“No. That isn’t going to work with me because wherever you are, I’m going to be. Wherever you decide to go, I will follow. I love you, Ryland, with every fiber of my being, and I can’t imagine a life where you aren’t a part of it. And not just on the weekends but daily! I’m done with limiting my time with you. I want every second of every day to be consumed by you. That’s what I want. That’s what I need in my life. I know you want me to be free, but it would be a life of prison without you. Don’t you get that?”
Raine fists my shirt in her hands and pulls me forward until our lips touch, hands against skin and bodies fusing together. Kissing her feels like lighting a match and watching it go up in flames. Raine’s hand slides into the collar of my shirt, and my eyes roll to the back of my head.
She sighs against my mouth, and I take advantage, kissing her harder, until we’re both gasping. I let my mouth slide along her collarbone. Not kissing, but just feeling, memorizing. Because for some reason this feels like it could be our last kiss, and I don’t want to waste it. Raine’s breath comes in loud, panting gasps, and when I look up at her, I don’t think I have the strength to let her go.
Here she is, willing to sacrifice her dreams and freedom because of how much she loves me. And here I am, trying to convince myself that maybe if she stays, everything will work out. I don’t know how I ended up being so selfish.
“We’re going to miss the party,” I say breathlessly, desperately wanting to cling to anything other than the uncertainty of our future together. “Let's enjoy the rest of the night, and we can talk about this tomorrow,” I add, giving her hand an encouraging squeeze.
A cool breeze blows around us, pushing her hair across her face, hiding her expression from me. I wish I could crawl inside her mind at this moment, to know how she feels, to see what she sees. To understand better.
“Alright,” she replies.
A half hour later, I drive us to the location of our graduation party. The unanswered questions vibrate between us, eating me alive, but we both stay silent. Raine and I don’t do parties, but I begged her to go to this one with me. I wanted one last night to enjoy each other, to not allow the unknown about our future to weigh so heavily on our shoulders, and to soak in these last moments with our graduating class.
I shut my door and jog around my car to open the door for Raine. Before I allow her to move past me, I lean in and give her a kiss. Her breath hitches, and I feel her tighten under my grip .
“Let's forget about the future for a bit and just enjoy our night together, okay?” I practically beg her before we link our hands together and walk toward the crowd.
The graduation party is held at a beachy area by the lake. A large bonfire blazes light around a group of what looks to be about thirty of our classmates. Music is blasting from a speaker that sits next to two kegs and several coolers that I’m sure are packed full of alcohol. How do they expect the cops not to show up tonight?
I find Luke, and he wraps an arm around my shoulders. The scent of alcohol punches me in the face as he shouts, “The party can officially begin, boys!”
“It smells like the party has already started.” I wave a hand in front of my face and laugh at my friend as he trips over a log and falls onto his back. I reach a hand out and help him up, and that’s when I see it—a shiny black bruise under his right eye.
Raine sees it too. She inhales and reaches up to touch his eye. “Luke, what happened?”
He shoves her off him lightly, and his once chipper mood quickly dissolves into disgust. “It’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“It’s not nothing!” she argues.
“Just leave it, okay? I don’t feel like hashing it with you tonight.” Hurt washes over her face, and as much as I love my best friend, I could give him a second black eye for treating her so harshly. Raine shakes her head, her eyes finding mine for a second before she mumbles something about finding Olivia and stomps away.
“What’s your deal, man?” I hiss and tug him to the side, away from the rowdy group.
“Who do you think?”
Who . I should have known. I cross my arms together and raise a brow, waiting for him to explain. “My dad showed up to my mom’s house after the ceremony, and we got into an argument. And because I’m eighteen now and refuse to let him control my life anymore, he made sure I had a souvenir to remind me that I’m wrong.”
Luke lifts up his dark-green shirt, revealing another bruise on his ribcage. How could a person be such a monster? I thought my father was bad, but Davis takes the cake. Unlike me, Luke doesn’t have a positive male figure to help him heal, like Pops was for me, and it breaks my heart for him. The thought sends hot rage down my spine.
“If my mom didn’t need me, I would move away with you and Raine,” he confesses, looking toward the crowd and pulling a bottle of beer to his lips.
“I, uh…” I start to say, but my throat feels dry. “We’re not?—”
“You're not what?” he says, snapping his head to look at me.
“We’re not leaving.”
I look over the crowd before I find Raine. She’s a few feet away, closer to the water line, sitting next to Olivia on a log. Olivia is listening intently to whatever Raine is telling her, and she reaches over to give her a big hug. Raine’s back is to me, but Olivia’s eyes are searching the crowd, and once she finds me, I don’t miss the sharpness in her gaze.
“I can’t leave. I’m staying to help Pops out for a while. Raine refuses to leave without me.”
The laugh that escapes Luke is wicked. He brings the bottle back to his lips and takes a big swig before tossing the empty bottle onto the ground. “You’re so selfish. She can’t stay here. If you think my dad treats me bad, you have no idea what he’ll do to Raine. Even though she’ll be eighteen in a few weeks, that means nothing to him. As long as she’s here, he’ll make sure she slowly rots.”
“But she can live with her grandparents for a while until we?—”
“That never stopped him before. He’s addicted to control, and you can’t save her. Nothing can except distance. He’ll find a way to ruin her.”
He’ll ruin her.
The words ring inside my head and sink deeply into my heart. I’m supposed to protect Raine, not put her in danger. I know Luke is right. Davis will never stop, and I’m going to be the reason she can’t get away from him.
Selfishly, I want her to stay, but when you love someone, sometimes you have to choose to let them go. Promise me you’ll make sure she gets out of this town.
The promise I had made to her Mamaw sobers me to the reality of our choices. If I choose to go with Raine, I’ll be selfish in leaving my family when they need my help. If I let Raine stay, it’ll be for my own selfishness. There’s only one way to do this right by everyone, and it's for me to deny what I want most.
“I have to break up with her,” I admit, and the words taste sour in my mouth.
“What?” Luke slurs, his face contorting.
“If I break up with her, she won’t have a reason to stay, and she’ll leave.” I say it matter-of-factly, shrugging my shoulders before peering off into the distance to where Raine and Olivia are still seated. “I love her enough to let her go.”
“That’s not what I was trying to say,” Luke’s voice quivers, and he turns toward me, his eyes brimmed with tears. It’s the first time I’ve seen Luke break down his walls and truly shown how broken he is. Davis did that to him. Luke wipes his cheeks and exhales. “But I don’t want him to hurt her.”
“I don’t want that either,” I proclaim, holding up my hands, allowing the truth to settle deep within my gut.
He nods, running a hand through his hair before limping away and leaving me alone with my thoughts. Hatred for Davis lights every nerve in my body on fire until I’m consumed with rage. I have to destroy what Raine and I have because of him.
But how do I break up with Raine? I look around, begging for an idea to pop out at me, when I see Luke with a shot of something honey brown in his hand. Raine and Olivia are making their way around the fire toward him. Fury seems to be leading my actions, and without thinking, I stomp my way toward Luke and snatch the small glass from his hands.
Raine’s eyes widen as she looks at the shot in my hand and begins shaking her head. I despise how she’s looking at me. Disbelief and fear wash over her expression. I look at her, focusing on my hatred for Davis, and toss back the fiery liquid.
“Ryland!” she hisses, her mouth hanging open as if she can’t believe I did that. I get it because I can’t believe it either.
But the need to get her out of Covewood is what’s driving me.
“Why?” She shakes her head again, her eyes trailing me up and down. In order to keep my promise to her Mamaw, I have to break a promise I made to Raine. We always said we would never drink alcohol because we both saw how it ruined the lives of our parents. I knew taking a shot in front of her would make her angry with me and, in turn, help me find a way to break up with her.
Even so, I loathe myself right now.
“You know why,” I grumble, my voice sounding foreign. “We both know that no matter what we do, we’re over.”
She blinks, clearly bewildered at how I’m acting, and I feel myself start to slip and want to say I’m sorry. But the image of Raine with Luke’s bruises on her face takes over my thoughts, and it’s enough to push me to do what I need to do.
“What are you talking about? Where is this coming from all of a sudden?” she hisses, shaking her head in disbelief.
“If you stay, you’ll hate me for it. If I go, I'll hate you for it. No matter what choice we make, we’ll end up destroying each other.”
“That’s not true.” I watch as fresh tears drop from her eyes, and my stomach tightens, threatening to spill out the whiskey that is currently splashing inside my gut. Olivia wraps an arm around Raine’s waist, her wide eyes studying me in surprise.
“I realize now that we just need to rip the Band-Aid off, Raine. We’re over.” I speak so fast I can hardly understand myself, but if I don’t hurry and get the words out, I never will.
Her face contorts with hurt. “No.”
“Yes. I’m not going to try to pretend like this is going to work out between us. I would rather get this over with now so we can both move on with our lives.”
“Move on with our lives? Ryland, you are my life. I love you. I don’t want to—” A sob escapes her, and something in my chest breaks. Sometimes, in life, you have to choose between which painful route you need to take. I’m choosing the pain of letting Raine go. She’ll thank me for it later. Even if I hate myself for it, even more than I hate Davis.
“I’m about to—” Olivia shouts, her hands balled into tight fists, but Luke slides in beside her and tugs her away from us. “Luke, let me go!” she shouts in the distance.
I feel it now, my walls crumbling down around us, and I hate this. I hate hurting her. Why does it have to be this way? But I love her too much to let her stay in a place where she’ll rot away. Maybe this way I can figure out things with Davis. Get him put in jail like he deserves or send him packing far away. I need time to do that. I need her safe. And in order to do that, I need her to go.
“Ry, don’t do this,” she begs.
“I promised your Mamaw I’d—” I let the words slip, my lips quivering. “It’ll be better if you leave.” Before I can ruin anything else, I turn and walk away.