Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
Now
Raine
H e lied so I would be safe.
Those words bounce through my head over and over again as I pace up and down Ryland’s porch. I can’t hear the crashing sound of the lake water or the wood squeaking underneath each step that I take. All I hear is the memory of Ryland’s words: “It’ll be better if you leave.”
He made it clear that he chose to break up with me because he wanted to protect me. In true Ryland fashion, he was putting someone else’s needs in front of his own. He broke my heart that night; but Ryland wasn’t the reason I chose to run away.
“That night destroyed me,” I whisper, allowing the tears to escape. I stop in my tracks to turn and look at Ryland. His face contorts, as if my words physically hurt him. I close my eyes and suck in a breath. “But I didn’t leave because you told me to.”
I open my eyes and blink away the tears so that I can study Ryland. If only he knew how hard it was for me to accept the fact that he didn't love me as much as he once promised. If only he felt how hard it was for me to move away and start over in a place that never felt like home. Because he was my home. However, it is time we both overcome the past.
“Something else happened that night. Something I haven’t even told Luke yet.” I add.
“What happened?” he says finally, pushing himself up from his rocking chair and taking a step toward me. “What don’t I know?”
I don’t want to tell him. Because the very thing he was trying to protect me from still happened. I know the truth will crush him, but I also know we won’t be able to heal from the past if we continue to ignore it. It needs to all be laid out so we can finally move on.
“That night, when I left the graduation party, I came back here,” I start, and my hands beginning to tremble as the memories flood my thoughts.
Ryland stands firm in his place, watching me closely, and I want to reach out and comfort him. But I also want to jump into my car and drive far away from this conversation. Every nerve in my body is telling me to run, but I’m done running.
“I went down to the dock, and I waited for you to come home. But you never did.” I learned later that he ended up getting drunk and crashed at Luke’s house. I don’t know why I assumed he would even think to come home after drinking, because his mother and Pops would have been furious with him. But I hoped anyway that we could fix us. That the one shot was all he had, that he realized his mistake, but that’s not what happened.
I can see the regret weighing on his shoulders, but instead of sliding into his arms, I lace my fingers together and squeeze, attempting to get my hands to quit shaking before I continue.
“It was late by the time I left here. I was supposed to be staying the night at Olivia's house, but I didn’t want to risk getting her in trouble if I showed up well past midnight. If I went to my grandparents’ house, I would have woken them up, and they would have asked questions as to why I was upset, and I didn’t want to deal with that at the time. I didn’t want them to be upset with you either, so I ended up going home.”
I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way to care for the wounds without reopening them, to name the pain without inviting it back in.
God give me strength to say what needs to be said.
“I figured they’d be asleep at that late hour or at least passed out by then. However, Mom and Davis were awake. They were in the living room together when I entered the house, and I caught Davis and his goons making plans for their next heist or whatever it was that they were planning at the time. I don’t remember the details. All I do remember is smarting off to him as I rushed to my bedroom. Before I could shut my door, Davis stood in the way and stomped into my room.”
At this point, I’ve stopped crying, focusing more on getting the words out. Ryland places both hands on the back of his head and is now pacing in front of me. Come on Raine, get the words out.
“He, uh—” The words are caught in my throat. Ryland stops pacing and stands still for a brief moment. I stare at the back of his head, studying the way his dark hair curls at the nape of his neck, and fight the urge to rub my fingers through its strands and bring him to me for comfort. “He made sure I knew I wasn’t allowed to speak to him like that. Nor was I allowed to say anything about what I saw or heard about his plans.”
Ryland twists around, his eyes studying me, and my fingers involuntarily travel up toward the scar above my left eyebrow. His eyes follow the movement, realization hitting him hard, and finally he’s had enough and closes the distances between us. He rushes toward me, placing one hand on my lower back and the other on the back of my skull.
“Rainbow, I’m so sorry,” he whispers into my hair, kissing the top of my head, and the sob I was holding back finally slips through as I let myself feel this pain. I make a promise to myself that this will be the last time that I’ll feel this pain because after I finish telling this story, I’ll let it go. It doesn’t have permission to be a part of my life anymore.
“And then my mom…” I pause to suck in a breath of air.
Ryland’s body tenses under my arms before he pulls away, his hands traveling toward my face, staring down at me until I continue.
“She ran into the room and pushed Davis away from me. She turned around and told me to leave.”
“Raine, I need you to run away from here and don’t come back. Do you understand me?” Her eyes dance with mine. They’re the clearest I’ve seen in years. She wipes my forehead, revealing fresh blood on her hands as she attempts to clean my wound.
“Shannon, you’re gonna—” Davis’ words are cut off as my mother shoves him back into the wall before looking back at me.
“Run!” she shouts, and I do exactly as she says. I run.
Trauma has a way of permanently changing a person. That’s what happened to me that night, and I never really got over it. Through the years, I tried to find some kind of peace with it. I had came to terms with the fact that there was no going back to who I was before.
“I didn’t leave because of you. I ran because of fear. I knew you were scared, and I was ready to forgive you and fight for us, but then, after Davis… I chose to leave behind what we could’ve had. Everyone told me to leave, and I listened. I told myself the lie that I would only be happy if I moved away, that everyone was better off without me. I hung onto something that wasn’t real. And because of that, I was the one who broke me.”
Ryland was the first person I showed my heart to. And he was the reason I hid it from everyone else. I came to terms with the fact that he was a piece of me that I could never get back. I never stopped loving him. I just stopped letting it show. I demolished my bridges behind me until there was no choice but to move forward.
“I let ten years waste away when we could have been… ”
He runs his thumbs across my cheeks, wiping away the wetness, and shushes me. “Don’t say that. It wasn’t your fault,” he says, his eyes intent on my face. I let the confession press against me, the words ringing in my ears. I hold his gaze and blink as he stares right back. He releases his hold on me with a sigh, his hand finding its way through his hair.
“It wasn’t yours either,” I reply, and he lets out a disbelieving sound.
“I could have found you. Could have tried to fix things. But I didn’t feel worthy.”
“You’re carrying crosses that you don’t need to. For far too long, I’ve held a death grip on the past, but I need to let this go. We both do.”
I reach out and tug Ryland’s hand away from his hair. Instead, I place it onto the side of my hip and tug him toward me until our bodies are pressed against each other. It can be hard sometimes to know how to express how much you love someone. I could tell Ryland the words right now, but it would never quite capture the depth of it.
Instead, I choose action because I need him to know that, despite our mistakes, I’m not leaving this time. I wrap my arms around him and place my face against that perfect spot on his chest. As soon as I do, he releases a breath and melts into me, wrapping his arms around me and placing his head on top of mine.
I didn’t realize that falling in love with Ryland could be so simple. Or that I could fall in love with him twice. But that’s exactly what has happened. It is easy to become completely absorbed in him, as if God has put us together deliberately.
Now that everything has been laid out before us, we can move on from the past, and start living the life we’ve always wanted. With each other.
“I’m staying,” I whisper, so softly I’m not sure he hears me, but when he moves to look down at me, I know he did. Even though I’ve known in my heart for weeks, I made the choice officially after the dinner with my mother. “I mean, I have to return to Rockdale and sort out my lease, and pack my things, and quit my job, but I’m moving back to Covewood.”
“You’re staying?” he asks, raising one brow, not believing my words.
“Papaw wants me to live at the farmhouse.” I bite my bottom lip to try to hide my smile, but it is no use. Saying it out loud is the balm I need on my achy heart. “I?—”
He interrupts me with his lips. There has been enough talk, enough hesitation, and definitely enough distance between us. I welcome his mouth on mine. My hands glide down his neck, shoulders, landing on the lower part of his back as I push him closer to me.
“Want to try that whole second-chance thing with me?” I ask, a smirk tugging my lips.
“That's all I've been praying for, Rainbow.”