Chapter 20
Cordelia tried to smile as the children looked out of the carriage windows on their way to her mother’s house. She’d refused the assistance of a maid, knowing she was capable of caring for the children of herself, and now her mother and sisters could help.
But the ache in her heart was weighing her down, and she hoped it didn’t show on her face.
“Come, let’s play a game,” she said, drawing their gazes and pulling a coin from her bag and hiding it in one hand. She held out her fists to each of them, and with widened eyes and a theatrical voice, she said, “Can you find where the coin is?”
Delighted, Olivia and Tim touched a hand, and when Cordelia revealed it was empty, they hurriedly touched the other. Shrieking with delight when they found the coin, Olivia yelled, “Again, again!”
Chuckling to herself, Cordelia put her hands behind her back and hid the coin again. She entertained them all the way to her mother’s, glad for the reprieve from thoughts of Nicholas.
It is a waste to think of him when he is so horribly stubborn.
And he thinks that I have made him a romantic hero?
As if I have ever asked him for romance or expected it!
It was I who wished for the white marriage.
But he seems to think that I am throwing myself at him! I was merely trying to thank him!
She had a feeling it was more, but it didn’t help to put words to it.
That only gave it power, and she had to discover the truth of what it was first. Her thoughts could have gone on in the same angry fashion, but they’d arrived at her family’s home, and when the footman opened the door, he helped the children out.
Cordelia hurried after them as they’d already tried to crawl up the stairs themselves.
“Be careful!” she cried, letting them practice as she hovered.
“Help me, please, Cordelia,” Olivia said, reaching for her hand and smiling up at her.
Cordelia swallowed and hurriedly grabbed Olivia’s hand. “But of course! Would you like help, Tim?”
He nodded, reaching for her hand too, and then together, they rose on the steps, Cordelia’s heart nearly bursting.
“You will have fun here, I think. Lots of games, and we will come here often too.”
“Promise?” Olivia asked, and Cordelia laughed.
“I promise.”
The door opened, and her mother and sisters were there to greet them, crying out with delight and cooing over the children.
“Good afternoon, Cord! And how are these little sweet things doing?” Danae cried, rushing to pick Olivia up.
Emma followed behind, a little more hesitantly, but she scooped Tim up into her arms, and they led the way into the house.
“Come, my dear, there is plentiful tea in the sitting room.” Her mother gripped her hand and smiled. “We were not expecting you, but you’ve come at just the right time.”
“I am sorry to intrude, but I had to get out of the house for a little while.”
Her mother frowned but said nothing more. Cordelia allowed herself to be led inside, and she handed her bonnet to a footman she’d not seen before.
In fact, the foyer had undergone a number of changes, and she could hear the sound of work going on somewhere else in the house.
“What is all this?” she asked in wonder.
Fiona beamed. “You will see all around you the generosity of your dear husband.”
“Dear husband? Nicholas did this?”
“Why yes!”
“But I thought he paid the debts and that was all.”
“Oh no,” her mother laughed. “Your dear husband provides an allowance, and he has agreed to fund all refurnishing and renovation himself. Now that all the debts are paid, what little money had left from your father is now being invested by once again—”
“My dear husband,” Cordelia said in awe, watching as the walls by the staircase were being repainted a lovely dark blue. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say that you like the renovations?” she asked hopefully.
“I do! They’re wonderful.” Her heart fluttered at thoughts of Nicholas’s kindness. He really was turning into something unexpected, but also still confusing.
“Come. You look as though you have a lot on your mind. Your sisters will be playing with the children for a little. We can talk a little without them.”
They entered the old familiar sitting room, and new pillows had been purchased for the sofas and chairs, no longer any faded ones left.
It was as if at that moment, she had said goodbye to her former self forever.
Her sisters played with the children on the other side of the room, showing them new toys and books.
I wonder if Nicholas bought those as well.
“Sit. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Cordelia dug in her bag and pulled out a small box. “I shouldn’t start there, in so gloomy a fashion. In truth, I came to see you but also to give you this.” She smiled and passed the box to her mother.
Staring down at it, her mother took the box in hand gently and then flipped it open and gasped.
“Cordelia! How on earth? How did you find it?”
“The man you’re so keen on calling my dear husband found it,” she said, smiling wide at her mother’s delight. “He bought it back and left it for me on my nightstand so that I might find it upon waking.”
“Oh, this is wonderful!” Fiona got to her feet and rushed over to crush Cordelia in a hug.
“I cannot thank you, cannot thank him enough for this!” Her mother’s wide eyes continued to stare at the watch as if it wasn’t real, and tears brimmed.
“A piece of your father can remain with us now.” She closed the box and sat down, folding her hands on her lap.
“I don’t think I have been this happy in a long, long time. You must thank him for me.”
“I will.”
And he will likely reject such a thank you.
“But you know, your father always insisted that his watch go to the first grandchild of the family, and that child is already here. In fact, there are two.” They both turned to look at the twins, watching their delighted faces as they played on the ground with their new toys.
“Look Cordelia, at the new family you are building.” She was beaming at Cordelia, and Cordelia’s heart tightened. She wanted to remain strong, but the happiness she was learning to see in her new life was getting to her, and she wasn’t sure if she could trust it.
“But it is not a real family,” she said, tears thickening her throat. A tear slipped down her cheek, and she wiped it away. “It can never be while he keeps away from us, while he keeps his heart from us. It is an arrangement as we always planned.”
She looked down at her hands, feeling the tears coming faster now. Those words felt like a curse upon her. She kept repeating them even though the more she did, the less they rang true.
“Why do you think he only cares about his club, my dear?”
Cordelia sniffed. “He spends so much time there, and he is eager to go at a moment’s notice to handle his business.
Any time I try to thank him or speak of more serious matters, he shuts himself off and hurries away.
” She tried not to think of their night in the carriage or how he’d dismissed it as nothing.
He didn’t say that, her conscience reminded her. And yet she felt hurt and rejected just the same.
“Your sisters told me of this, that he is so often at his club. But that was a little while ago. What has it been like now?”
Cordelia took a deep breath, unable to look at her mother just yet as she thought. “Well,” she began. “He has been more at home of late, and only going to the club at night or shorter amounts of time, I suppose.”
“And he is attentive to the children and your care?”
Cordelia was reminded of how he continued to insist on her eating well and how he continued to check on the children in the morning before they woke to see if all was well.
He’d even begun to hold them a little less hesitantly, his eyes betraying his care.
But then he’d shut down again and busy himself elsewhere.
Cordelia nodded and wiped another tear away. She felt her mother press a handkerchief into her hand.
“Remember how I said that love wears different clothing and speaks different languages, depending on the person.”
Cordelia nodded again, dabbing at her face, meeting her mother’s eyes. “Love has nothing to do with it, Mama,” she said, her tears coming again. As soon as she said it, she realized it wasn’t true.
“Does it not?” Fiona asked kindly, turning her head to the side and smiling.
“And while love takes many forms, so does the reaction to one’s love.
I mean that neither you nor Nicholas I presume have ever been in love.
It is a heady experience and very unusual for one’s first time.
” She shook her head and chuckled. “I remember it well. It can be terribly frightening, and from what I’ve gathered, it does not seem as though Nicholas had a happy home life.
His father was a frightful man and drank to excess.
I expect Nicholas does not understand love and perhaps he shies away at the prospect of it. ”
Cordelia’s heart beat fast. “You are thinking he loves me?” she asked incredulously.
“I think that he does not know yet what he feels, and I think you too are struggling to understand, and it frightens and confuses you both. But if it doesn’t matter and love has nothing to do with it, then why are you crying, my dear?”
Cordelia swallowed, new truths settling inside her. She could feel affection for Nicholas, and that much was certain. She did…like him and she was most assuredly attracted to him, and she felt that in some ways, he liked her. But love? That seemed entirely impossible and illogical.
And dangerous.
“Well, until that matter is settled, Mama, I think that you and me, Em, Danae, and the children have tea and cake.”
Her mother looked as though she was about to protest but then nodded. “Yes, tea does solve all troubles. Come children!” she called, and Cordelia settled back, smiling as Tim came to sit with her, and she pulled him up onto her lap.
“Do you like tea, Tim?” she teased, and he nodded, reaching forward to grab at a piece of cake.