Chapter 22
“Christ.” Nicholas wanted to swear a whole string of words as he folded his one hand under his head and together, he and Cordelia looked up at the canopy above.
Nicholas’s whole body was tingling, and he felt exhausted and spent in a delicious sort of way.
His other arm was under Cordelia, and he pulled her close to him, savoring the feel of her soft cheek on his shoulder, and her hand on his stomach.
It was the best lovemaking he had ever had. That was all that was to it, and he blinked a few times, wondering if he was still in a dream.
Cordelia was…incandescent.
The way she had looked at him in amazement when he’d removed his clothing had nearly undone him right there and then, but making love to her had been a pleasure and satisfaction beyond anything he’d ever experienced. He was reeling, and he could feel more than just the slaking of his body.
He liked her. He more than liked her, and being with her had felt good. Too good.
“So, you always thought I was delectable, did you?” she asked in a teasing tone, and he smiled down at her, glad to be free of his own thoughts for a time.
“So I did, and me teasing you and riling you up always put a lovely color to your cheeks and made you even lovelier.”
She gasped in outrage and hit his stomach. “Oh! You rogue! Was that why you always angered me so?”
“But of course. A rake is still a rake, even though he must change his methods from woman to woman.”
“Cad,” she muttered, and he chuckled.
“And you are just as delectable as I imagined.” He squeezed the flesh of her side, and he slid down to pull a nipple into his mouth again.
He could feel his body stir and her soft intake of breath told him she would be ready for more, but he refrained and laid back again.
“I would only be too happy to take you again, my dear, but you may be a little sore tomorrow. We have all the time we need.”
Do we?
In fact, they were married, and so they had the rest of their lives.
He was surprised at the delight it gave him, to have the privilege of bedding Cordelia again and again, but he quickly quelled it, covering it instead by a cold fear that he needed to hold onto if he was going to hold onto his senses.
“Tell me something before you leave,” Cordelia said, cuddling into him a little, her voice sleepy.
You think I will leave you? He wanted to ask.
Even with his fear and growing tension, he was disappointed in her thoughts of him.
He wanted to chastise himself, but he had conditioned his wife to believe he would continue to leave, and he had never stayed a full night with a woman before, always returning home no matter how late in the evening or early in the morning.
She continued. “Well, you have your own room, I thought only –” her eyes moved away from him, and he kissed her on the head.
“Ask what you like.”
He kept his eyes fixed forward. It was far easier to give her what she wanted for a little before he let the fear take over him entirely.
“I have heard about your father. But now I’d like to know about your mother.”
Nicholas breathed in through his nose, keeping his jaw tight.
“I never met her, as you know. She died at my birth, and my father was never the same, so they say, that he’d been joyous and kind before.
But all I knew was a cold, hard man.” Cordelia said nothing, and he could feel her expectantly waiting.
“But I’ve heard from Mrs. Wright and other older staff that she was a good and kind woman. ”
So often as a child, he’d tried to conjure an image of her in his mind, wondering just exactly how she might have looked. There had been portraits about, so Mrs. Wright had said, but his father had had them removed at her death.
“What did she look like?” she asked him, as if guessing his thoughts.
“I can’t be sure, but I know she had dark hair like me. Blue eyes too.”
He swallowed, not wishing to discuss this anymore. Couldn’t they go back to when she was coming so beautifully in his arms and crying out his name? Couldn’t they return to the surface and keep away from anything else?
“It was not your fault, you know.”
Nicholas stiffened, his arm tightening around Cordelia, but he did not look at her. “What do you mean?”
“Her death. It was not your fault, and I’m sorry that your father ever made it seem so.”
Nicholas shook his head slightly. “There was something wrong with my birth, my father said. I was positioned wrong, and I couldn’t spring free before she bled out.”
“And yet, that still was not your fault.”
He didn’t answer, and he felt Cordelia shift in his arms. She rose up on an elbow and looked down at him.
Reluctantly, he turned to face her, and his heart ached to look at her.
He had known for a long time, but now, it was so obvious to him that Cordelia was the most beautiful woman he had ever known, and he felt unworthy to have been with her, to be in her bed.
His stomach made a little flip when she reached out and brushed a hand to his cheek, moving down to his chest. He could feel her trying to see him, and all resistance built inside him again.
“If the twins are too loud or if they make a mess with their food, will you say that that is their fault?”
He frowned at her. “No. They are children.”
“Exactly. So why must you be so harsh on yourself all these years later? You were a baby too.”
He scoffed. “It is not as simple as that.”
She sighed and laid down again, snuggling up to him. “Tell me something about David. How did you meet?”
He cleared his throat, grateful to be on surer ground.
“We met at Eton. I went earlier than other boys and stayed on most holidays.” He could feel Cordelia’s hand squeeze his arm.
“My father wished me away as much as possible so that he could bring his parade of mistresses to the house as freely as he could wish. David was kind to me, and we found a kinship I’d not found with anyone else.
I suppose it was the fact that our fathers were uninterested in us.
Leonard, my cousin, is someone else I trust, but he was not the same as David.
David was –” his voice broke a little at the memory that his friend would never come back again. “A dear friend.”
He felt a moisture on his shoulder, and he knew Cordelia was crying, and crying for him.
“I am sorry that you did not have a loving father, Nicholas, that he wished you away from him. Everyone deserves love, and you did not deserve that. Despite his father, David turned out to be a good husband and father.” She sighed. “Goodness, but Helen was lost to that man as soon as she saw him.”
Nicholas chuckled, turning to look at her. “Ah, so you like a rake then?”
“Yes,” she said, her voice softer, and her eyes fluttered closed. “In fact, I do. And they can certainly turn into a good man.”
Nicholas laid back, thinking over her words for a little while, his heart beating fast at her admission.
David was always better than him in every way, and she was merely acknowledging that he had been a good man.
It was not the same for him. He was not so redeemable.
And yet, his heart wanted to believe it.
For her and for himself. But before he could come to any conclusions, his fatigue overtook him, and he fell asleep beside her.
* * *
In the morning, Cordelia felt a warm body next to her, and with her eyes still closed, a smile appeared on her face as she moved closer to him, the memories of last night rushing into her mind.
The sound of rain pattered on the roof, and the scene felt cozy and warm and comfortable.
She could feel Nicholas’s steady breath and hear the steady beat of his heart as she laid on his shoulder.
Opening her eyes, she looked up at him. His eyes were closed, and his lips were ever so slightly parted as he slept.
They were still both naked and had not moved from where they’d slept all night.
She breathed in and let out a long, contented sigh. He was still here with her, and she felt like that was something of an accomplishment.
If he had not wanted to be there, he would have rushed off, would he not?
The night before had been nothing short of a feverish dream.
As she replayed the heated, passionate moments in her mind’s eye, she could not believe it.
The man had not only brought more pleasure out of her body than she had ever experienced, but there had been a connection there that had made her hold him closer, kiss him deeper, wish him to never leave again.
And while that terribly frightened her, it excited her too.
Perhaps she had been far too negative about the entire situation, and there was more hope than she’d realized.
He will need time, of course, but perhaps…perhaps…
Her old ways told her she was being foolish, but she had seen something in his eyes that night and had felt something in his touch and his kiss that –
“Ah, and what has you so thoughtful this morning?” Nicholas said, turning to her. She blushed, and he smiled. “Still blushing after last night, love? I wonder what else I have to do that will stop that blushing habit of yours?”
“You don’t like it?”
He kissed her, and her heart lifted as she pressed a hand to his cheek and then down to his neck, pulling him close. His kiss was warm and gentle, and she felt a stirring inside her once more when his tongue brushed against her own.
When he pulled away, she felt the absence, wanting more. “In fact, it is one of my favorite things about you, Cordelia. Don’t stop.”
He was smiling, and she was smiling back at him, but then she saw the moment when he returned to his shell. He licked his lips and then he moved away slightly.
“You should know, Cordelia, that there are some things happening at the club in the next few days that I need to be there for. We are going to start renovating, and a number of our investors would like to see the progress.”
He was talking a little fast, and she held her breath, wondering if at the end of it all, he’d tell her something sweet, something hopeful, something that would keep her from the disappointment that was waiting on the other side.
“I see.”
“I just wanted you to know that I will be busy in the coming days. My assistant is overwhelmed managing on his own. This happens every so often.” He pulled more fully away from her, and Cordelia felt a tightness in her chest. She sat up in bed as he stood, reaching down to pick up his clothing.
When he pulled on his breeches, she slid under the covers, feeling exposed now that he was covering himself and she was still open to his gaze.
“I understand,” she said, trying not to show her disappointment or the way that frustrating and useless tears were forming in her throat.
“Please tell the children. I will try to check in on them when I can.”
He pulled on his shirt, and as he buttoned it up, Cordelia felt like whatever had happened between them was now gone. In the light of day, their exposure was now feeling wrong, and she could tell that he regretted it.
He is ashamed of what he’s done, and I feel embarrassed that I showed my eagerness to be with him.
Even if she could feel her disappointment threatening to crush her, she would not let it show. She was strong, and she would show him her strength.
“Of course. I will let them know.”
He nodded at her as he pulled on his jacket and then his boots. When he rose again, he nodded at her, looking almost as if he was going to lean forward and kiss her.
“Have a good day, Cordelia. I –” He paused, rubbing at the back of his neck.
He is struggling to know what to say. To know how to leave me.
“I will see you later. When I can.”
She nodded back at him. “See you later, Nicholas. Safe travels in the rain.”
He nodded again, as if that was some sort of greeting, and then after another awkward hesitation, he was gone. Once she was sure he was not within earshot, Cordelia pressed her hands to her face and burst into tears.