Chapter 23
“Ah, you look in a mood. And wet,” Leonard said from an armchair in one of the private sitting rooms at the club. “Have a drink?”
“Gladly.”
He was nearly soaked to the bone, but he hardly noticed.
He waved down one of the young women, and she smiled at him, moving away to go get his usual drink.
It was not yet eleven in the morning, and yet he didn’t care.
Nicholas’s fingers tapped on the armchair, and he felt like he wanted to run a mile or drink himself into a stupor or throw himself off the London Bridge.
There were too many thoughts, too many sensations
“A penny for your thoughts?” Leonard asked, lifting his glass to his lips and lifting a brow.
Leonard looked perfectly at ease with a drink in hand and feet up by the fire.
Nicholas almost envied him. His own childhood had been a mess, but his adult life had been something he was proud of.
He bedded attractive women, owned a successful business, and lived life on his own terms. Besides David and Leonard, no one was too close to him or wished to pry into his inner thoughts.
He had had no desire to marry or bear children or have people depend upon him.
There had never been any reason to get truly close to anyone.
And now, Cordelia. Now, the children.
As had become his habit, he’d stood outside of their door that morning before he’d left, opening it softly to peer in and see their sleeping forms in the dark shadows of the room.
The curtains were still drawn. He’d been tempted to step inside, to kneel down at their beds and let them know they were safe and that they would never be left on their own, but that resistance to closeness was too strong now. It could not be shaken.
So, instead, he’d left and took his horse instead of his carriage, riding hard in the rain in Hyde Park for an hour or two, until he could breathe more steadily again. Then, he’d gone to his club, hoping to drown himself in work and maybe find his old life again.
“Not sure you have the money,” he teased, grateful when Sara brought his drink.
“Thank you, Sara. Bless you.”
“You’re welcome, Your Grace.”
She smiled and flitted off, and Leonard again posed the question. “So, what’s gotten you into a mood today? You’re drinking early.”
“So are you.”
“But I am always drinking. The hour does not matter.” He chuckled and then continued. “Go on. I thought you were making yourself the family man, but now I see you here and wonder what could have happened to ruin your domestic peace? How are those three cherubs?”
Nicholas took a long sip and stared at his cousin. After all these years together, he had kept his cousin at a sort of distance. David was always the better friend, the better listener, but Leonard was family.
He changed the subject. “I suppose you’ll think me rude for never having invited you to a family dinner since I’ve been wed?”
Leonard shrugged and brushed imaginary lint from his shoulder. His dark eyes remained steady. “It is not often that men want my presence at their dinner tables, especially not when their wives are so young and delectable.”
He was smiling, but Nicholas was thrown back to the evening before when he’d revealed what he’d really thought about Cordelia all these years.
Delectable. And I wasn’t wrong.
“You know that’s not the reason,” Nicholas said with a sigh.
“I figure you needed time to adjust to your new life situation. A big change for a man who I always thought was going to be a rake until the bitter end.” He raised his glass in the air. “You give hope to the rest of us wretches.”
A little smirk crossed Nicholas’s lips. “I had no idea you wished to have hope.”
“Well, it is nice to know if us sinners will be redeemed in the end.” Leonard finished his cup, and Sara came by to fill it again.
“Good service here, even if you haven’t been around.
” He tilted his head to the side. “So, you still haven’t said.
What has you rushing in in a huff, looking as though you’re wet through? ”
Nicholas rubbed a hand over his face, grateful for the heat of the fire to dry his boots.
“To be honest, I don’t know.” He held his breath for a moment.
He had never been one to easily share, but he felt as though he was going to burst if he didn’t get the words out.
“I think I’m confused. And I may have given my new wife the impression that I wish for there to be more than there has been between us.
And that, of course, would be a terrible mistake. ”
“Ah,” Leonard gave him a knowing nod. “The usual trap.” Frowning, he leaned forward. “You’ve never been a man to intentionally lead a woman on. Are you saying that you made her believe that this is possible, or are you starting to believe it yourself?”
“It doesn’t matter what I may or may not feel.” He shook his head. “She deserves so much more than I could ever give her. She would deserve someone who had been like her own father: honorable, good, and kind.”
“But you are married. It is not as if she is free to go and find these things elsewhere.”
Nicholas stared at the flames. He had known this of course, but there were many couples in the ton who enjoyed relationships outside of their marriages, even ones that made them happy. But Leonard was right. For a woman, it was a little more difficult.
“She should not have to settle for me just because I’m her husband, and we married for the sake of the children and our friends’ will. Women take lovers, just as men do.”
Leonard chuckled. “Yes but, you sound nonsensical.”
Darren suddenly appeared at Nicholas’s shoulder in the private room, a note in hand. He cleared his throat.
“Your Grace, a note’s come from you. From your wife.”
She is likely trying to get me to return to finish the conversation after I left so awkwardly. But she cannot repair me, even if she has tried.
“Darren, put the note on my desk in the study. I will answer it later.”
Darren hesitated, but Nicholas nodded at him, and then he was gone, nodding at Leonard in greeting on his way out.
“Ignoring letters from her as well,” Leonard remarked with a low whistle.
“I am not nonsensical. I am reasonable and logical. We need space between us before things become even riskier.”
“Ah,” Leonard said again, and Nicholas was growing irritated with his cousin. “So, you’ve slept with her then.”
“Yes,” he said on a breath, keeping his eyes on the fire.
And I shall never be the same.
“And it was better than you expected.”
“It was better than I expected.”
“You are mad! Go home and be with your wife instead of running away from her. Like I said, you are already married. It only makes sense that you should enjoy one another and come together as a family, no?”
“Is this a determined rake I’m hearing this from? I can’t believe my ears.”
Nicholas finished his whisky and leaned forward towards the heat, feeling more exhausted than ever.
“Yes, because it’s far easier to give advice than to take it. You should know that.” There was a sparkle of mischief in Leonard’s eye. “I saw the two of you together at the ball. You were so distracted by one another you didn’t even come to greet your own cousin.”
“Ha! As if you were there in the ballroom asking women to dance in hopes to court them one day. I have no doubt you were drinking in the card room with the other confirmed bachelors and tired husbands.”
“Quite right.” Leonard chuckled. “Listen, I’ll say it again. Your father was a blackguard, but it doesn’t mean you have to be. You already aren’t, and I don’t think it’s like a tumor that will suddenly appear inside of you.”
Nicholas thought over those words, but he still wasn’t ready to return home. “One never knows. My father was a good man, so the staff says, before my mother died.”
“So, what excuse did you give your wife to when you rushed off to the club so early?”
Nicholas sank back in his chair, a little embarrassed.
He had never left a woman’s boudoir in such a clumsy fashion.
He felt like an inexperienced youth stumbling over his words as he’d tried to politely leave the room before she began to hold tight to him again and kiss him as if her heart was in it.
It pulled too much at his heart strings, and it felt safer to hear them snapped as he left her.
“What? What is it?” Leonard frowned, staring at him, and then a surprised look crossed his face. “Do not tell me…did you leave her in your bed this morning to come scamper here to your bloody business?”
Nicholas groaned and nodded. “To be fair, I left her in her bed.”
“And was she awake?”
He swallowed. “Yes.”
“Good God, man, even I have more tact than that. Slipping out in the night while they still sleep is the best way to go, not when they are awake and it is the light of day. How did she look?”
Crushed. Disappointed. Humiliated.
“A little embarrassed. Surprised I think, after our night together.”
She also looked like home.
For a moment as he’d stood before her, he’d considered rushing back into her arms and not leaving her bed for the whole day long.
“Christ, man, was it the first time you were together?”
Nicholas nodded again, and this time, it was Leonard who groaned.
“Since when have you turned into a bumbling fool? I am the younger one, and I always looked up to you and David to teach me your rakish ways. Now it is I who must be the teacher?” He laughed.
“If only David could see you now. He would laugh in your face.”
Nicholas sullenly sipped at his drink. “David would think me an utter fool, that is true, but it is because of him that I am in this mess. His will made it so that it was the most honorable thing to do, to marry her and to take the children on.”
“Honorable. See? You’ve got one out of three then, if you’re looking to take on a few traits to be what your wife deserves.”
Nicholas threw Leonard a dark look. “It was for the sake of my friend. To pay homage to the past. He had been kind to me and a dear friend. It’s the least I can do.”
He told himself that, and yet now that he’d been with Cordelia, it felt like nothing would be the same again. These were uncharted waters, and he had no idea how to navigate them.
Leonard made a ‘come here’ gesture with his fingers. “Now, tell me, what did you tell her in order to escape her dastardly bedroom of dangers?”
He sighed. “I told her the club was doing renovations and that our investors were here ready to check on the progress.”
Leonard burst into laughter. “That was quick thinking. Hmm…perhaps you are not such a lost cause as a rakish role model after all.”
“I don’t want to be –”
“What? A rakish role model? A fool? An honorable man?”
“Now, you’re just growing irritating,” Nicholas replied. “I don’t think I can be a rakish role model anymore. Or am a very good rake.”
“And whyever not?” Leonard asked sweetly, his one brow lifting.
Because I don’t want anyone else.
The truth of that slammed so hard into his chest that he nearly lost his breath. Instead, his fingers tensed around his glass as he let the feeling settle.
“I couldn’t do that to Cordelia. She would be humiliated, and I could never humiliate her. She doesn’t deserve it.”
“So, your solution is to simply pine for your wife but not actually do anything about it because you’re afraid to stop the pining and just fall in love?”
“And what do you know about love, Leonard?”
Nicholas noticed a slight tick in Leonard’s jaw. “I know more than you think, cousin, but as you know, it is not for me. However, I can spot the affliction in others.” He grinned.
Nicholas groaned again and leaned back in his seat. “Let’s talk of something else. Tell me about Wexford. Any changes in the rumors he’s been spreading? Or did our performance at the ball curb his strength?”
Darren appeared again and cleared his throat, grabbing Nicholas’s attention. “Your Grace, another note has arrived. Shall I put it upstairs?”
“Yes. Please do. I will go in a few minutes. Any other notes you can place upstairs. Thank you.”
Darren nodded and left, looking tense. Nicholas frowned, wondering why Cordelia was sending him so many notes.
He’d only been gone for a couple of hours, and couldn’t she understand that he was not ready to have any sort of conversation about what happened?
Surely, she too would not wish to see him so soon?
Leonard watched Darren leave. “You’re not going to see what she wrote you?”
“I’m sure she just wants to finish whatever we started.”
“I’m sure she does,” Leonard said with a cheeky grin.
Nicholas shook his head. “No. I left in such an awkward fashion that I’m sure she’s confused and wants to know why I left. I don’t know. Just tell me about Wexford.”
Leonard sighed. “He’s still fuming and discussing you, yes.
He has his plans in mind, I’m sure. But it’s been too long now that no one seems to pay him any mind.
They’ve moved on to other gossip. I think your ‘performance’, as you call it, did good work.
No one could say that those two people did not wish to be wed, especially when you practically threw Lord Dempshaw to the side to dance with her. ”
Nicholas could feel color rising in his cheeks.
“I think I will go upstairs now.” He could hear Leonard laughing at his back as he left the private room and took the stairs to his study.
It took him nearly half an hour as he spoke to staff and other guests, but once he was there, he spied the notes but busied himself with other tasks, his mind returning to them every so often.
He made new orders, signed money orders, organized the account book and sent off a few letters. Hours later, he finally pulled the notes toward him and took a breath. He reluctantly tore open one of the notes.
You are needed. Can you return? The first note read.
His heart beating fast, he tore open the other. Please. It’s Tim. Come home.
Without a second thought, Nicholas left, cursing himself for having waited so long and cursing the rain for continuing to pour.