CJ #2
“My grandfather...” Voice trailing and eyes misting, she shrugged. “Logan was so cruel. Anyone weaker than him were pawns. Women were expendable. I was expendable. Johnnie. Christopher was worth nothing. His legacy is violence, especially against women. Me. He set me up to be brutally raped.”
Her stark vulnerability made Ryan want to protect her for the rest of her life. Her opening up to help him felt wrong. He didn’t deserve it. He’d never deserved it. Judging by the look in her eyes, he wasn’t sure if he could handle hearing it from her.
“Mom, don’t.”
She grabbed his hands; her fingers shook.
“The club was built on death and betrayal, and we were all casualties. Even Johnnie. As much of a motherfucker he’s become.
Your father and your uncles tried to make it as safe as possible for their wives and children.
But–” She bowed her head. “I needed to be heard to heal. If you can’t talk to me, talk to Val.
Or Mort. Whether you know it or believe it, he’s an excellent listener and adviser. ”
“I-I’ll think about it. I don’t know what to say, though.”
“How you feel. How…what happened.” She met his gaze and smiled gently. “I haven’t been a perfect mom, but I just wanted you and Devon healthy and happy. Knowing what happened to you has devastated me.”
“It isn’t your fault.”
“I shouldn’t have let you go with those two fuckheads.
I never liked Willard or Wallace. But I wanted you to have friends, since you couldn’t seem to get along with anyone here.
We all have opinions about Meggie. I guess I’m guilty, too.
She sheltered her kids on one hand because she is the pawn for Christopher’s enemies.
It makes sense she’d think their kids could be targets to bend Christopher.
On the other hand, she let them run wild. ”
“Let implies past tense,” Ryan grumbled. “Have you talked to Axel recently?”
“I was there when he graffitied Cash’s house.”
“You didn’t beat his ass? If that had been me–”
“I wanted to beat Cash’s ass.”
“No shit?”
“He’s a motherfucker and Ophelia is a stupid bitch. The end.”
Ryan laughed.
Mom smiled, then got to her feet and sat on the sofa. “Sometimes, I thought Meggie kept her kids a little too close.”
“Did you ever tell her that?”
“Of course not. I adore Meggie and it was kind of an abstract thought. Besides, Christopher would’ve went ballistic.” She smiled fondly. “I see why she did it, though.”
“You aren’t her.”
“You were so unhappy, especially around CJ.”
“Yeah, because everybody wanted me to defer to that fuckhead.”
“Like father, like son,” she said sadly. “The adults go to Christopher. I think it was just natural that we set CJ up for the kids to go to him.”
Ryan dragged himself off the floor and plopped next to his mother. “Yeah, well, that wasn’t fair to me or him.”
“It wasn’t. If we hadn’t done it, you wouldn’t have—”
“I probably would’ve,” he interrupted. “My jealousy toward him festered long before I could put into words why I felt that way. That fuckhead is just so fucking perfect, even at being my cousin.”
Mom’s eyes widened, then her face lit up. “You truly like him now,” she crowed.
“Don’t say that shit too loud, Mom,” Ryan scolded. “You’ll ruin my rep.”
When Mom laughed, Ryan counted that as one of the best sounds he’d ever heard.
She kissed his cheek and then stood, twirling her finger to indicate his face. “Go tend to your lips and nose. Wipe away all the dried blood.”
“I will.”
I’m here if you need me,” she said, backing away, but looking as if she hated to leave him. “I have a few calls to make, so I’ll be in my office.”
“Mom?” Ryan called when she reached the doorway.
She half turned.
“I know I haven’t always been the best son, but I want you to know how proud I am that you’re my mom. I love you so much and I’m so grateful for all your love and support toward me, Dev, and Dad. I don’t ever want to disappoint you.”
Mom gave him a teary smile. “You never will, son. I love you so much and I have since the moment I held you in my arms.” She blew him a kiss and walked out.
Ryan pressed his lips together to keep from sobbing. If she ever found out the truth, not only would he disappoint her, but she’d never love him again.
Instead of stopping in at the club with everyone else, CJ walked home, disappointed at how the night had gone. First, Dad forced him to stay at Derby’s club, filled with strippers and naked women.
At his indifference to the girls, he wondered if he was defective.
While he’d been aroused, he’d turned down a lap dance and a blowjob, not wanting anyone there. Uppermost in his mind was Harley and the photos of her bruised body that that stupid fuckhead didn’t think to give a fucking warning before Grant, Rory, and Devon crowded around and saw her.
Motherfucking asshole.
And CJ knew deep down to his fucking soul that there was more to those photos than what Ryan was showing.
“CJ?”
At the sound of Mom’s worried voice, CJ realized he stood in the mudroom.
He swallowed, wanting to talk to her, needing to talk to her.
She’d been completely on board with him finding Nardo.
For whatever fucking reason, she also hadn’t said anything when Dad told her he planned to allow Uncle Johnnie to ride with them.
“You’re back.” Mom stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the mudroom for the briefest second before running to him. “None of you called me. I was so worried.”
CJ leaned down, so much farther than he remembered, and rested his head on her shoulder. “We didn’t find him, Mom. We searched and searched. We didn’t find Wally, Jr. either. They are still out there.”
“You will find him,” she said gently, stroking the nape of his neck, her mother’s touch soothing him even more than Dad’s gruff advice. “Sometimes, these things take time. The key is patience and vigilance.”
“I didn’t even go looking,” he said in frustration, straightening and hanging his head. “I don’t have a fucking Harley. Grant, Rory, and I stayed at Derby’s clubhouse.”
Mom frowned. “I see.”
“No, you don’t!” CJ blared, stalking around her and storming into the kitchen.
“Then tell me what I’m missing,” she said, right behind him.
He turned and faced her. “I didn’t even do that right.
I didn’t want those fucking girls to touch me.
All I could think about was Harley. I remembered I hadn’t gone to see Molly yesterday.
I mourned her, Mom. Days before we found her, I accepted that she was gone and I’m so fucking happy she’s back, but my connection to her isn’t there.
Why the fuck can’t I get Harley out of my head?
Unless my cock is defective? Or is it me?
Rory wanted to stay, but I made him come in Derby’s office with me.
I don’t know if those girls are tested for STDs.
The last thing he needed was a dripping dick. ”
Disgust deepened Mom’s frown.
Blowing out a heavy breath, CJ snapped his mouth shut. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean that.”
Combing her fingers through her hair, Mom nodded to the breakfast bar. “Coffee or tea?”
She looked as exhausted as he felt, yet adrenaline pumped through him. Mainly from the search for Wally, Jr. and the events prior to Dad leaving him behind. “I don’t know.”
“A beer?”
“It’s not even noon yet. I’ve never fucking drank this early in my goddamn life. You’ve never let me.”
“I’m trying very hard to support you, CJ,” Mom snapped, over his bullshit, “but the first thing you need to do is control your emotions.”
“How? I want those motherfuckers dead. One hurt, and terrorized, my cousin and the other two fucked with Harley. My girl—”
His nothing. Harley, like Molly, was Ryan’s concern, no matter what CJ thought that motherfucker did.
“Nothing. Never mind,” he said tiredly. “She’s my nothing, Mom. She belongs to Ryan. They’ve had sex.” He thought of Harley, Molly, and Jaleena. “I’m going to die a fucking virgin because the only person I’ve ever lost control with is motherfucking Ember.”
Narrowing her eyes, Mom stiffened. “Ember LeBan?”
Fuck. “She isn’t the only girl with the name Ember.”
Mom glowered at him. “She’s the only woman we know with that name.”
“Mom—”
“How did you lose control with her, if you’re still a virgin?”
Clenching his jaw, he walked to the table and sat. Mom’s thoughtful expression embarrassed him even before she gasped. She’d fucking figured out what happened.
Heat suffused his entire body, he was so mortified.
“I like Ember, Mom. Please don’t make her suffer any repercussions. I’m begging you.”
“Did this occur on school grounds?”
CJ flinched at her cold tone, but he shook his head. “At J’s. The night Jaleena stormed off,” he admitted miserably. “I’m sorry.”
Offering a curt nod, Mom drew in a deep breath and then huffed. “Your s-sex life is no concern of mine,” she bit out as if she hated to say those words. “Just make sure you use protection.”
“It was a fucking blowjob, Mom!”
She huffed, her face and neck reddening. CJ wanted to believe she was embarrassed, but judging by her ice-cold blue eyes, she was fucking madder than a motherfucker.
“Mom—”
She raised a hand. “A moment,” she pushed out, then visibly gritted her fucking teeth. “If that woman so much as looks at you in my presence, she’s fired. Am I clear?”
“I thought you fucking knew what she did.”
She thumped his head. “I thought she…she…” She reddened a little more, and this time CJ knew it was from embarrassment, especially when she made a few weird hand gestures. “Touched you.”
“She did. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“With her hands!”
“She did that, too! Which is what Derby’s girls were offering, in addition to a blowjob and I didn’t want them. Maybe if Ember had been there, I wouldn’t feel like such a fucking freak.”
Mom thumped his head again. “Shut up, CJ. You’re not a freak. She’s a—”