Chapter Forty-Three – Jana
Rebel had so many pretty clothes. More than Jana had ever seen anywhere except a catalog or a department store.
“What did you have in mind to wear?” Rebel asked, standing in the middle of her walk-in closet after Diesel insisted Jana ask Rebel to borrow an outfit for his birthday barbeque. “A dress? A skirt? Jeans?”
Jana shrugged, uncertain, inadequate when face-to-face with Rebel.
But she’d always been insufficient, especially to her mother.
In Amy’s eyes, Jana could never do right.
Aunt Sera didn’t feel that way, but Jana hadn’t seen her in at least a decade.
She wasn’t even sure if Mama’s sister was still alive.
Rebel indicated her clothes with a wave of her hand. “Whatever you want to wear,” she prompted, slight impatience in her tone. “Pick it out or tell me and I’ll get it for you.”
“I don’t know what to choose,” Jana admitted, glancing at a rack of dresses in all colors and various lengths. “I don’t know how expensive your clothes are. Suppose I get barbeque sauce on them?”
Rebel frowned.
“Do you really want to lend me your clothes? Are you doing it for Diesel? Or do you feel sorry for me?”
“Instead of asking me all these questions, why don’t you do both of us a favor and pick a fucking outfit?”
When Diesel called her and told her to pack her things because it was moving day, Jana had never been happier.
She’d finally be with him as she’d always dreamed, but never really thought possible.
The reality was a nightmare. Diesel was meaner than he’d ever been to her, almost like her johns used to be, and he rarely visited.
Worse, he’d just stuck her in the treehouse without much to do, except crave drugs and be miserable.
All she could do was cry most of the time.
Tabitha caught her at a weak moment, something Jana regretted because she only disappointed Diesel more.
Before she moved in, she had such hope for her and Diesel.
Mama kept her busy with preliminary wedding lists.
Daddy was happier than she’d ever remembered him being.
Diesel was taking her on real dates, listening to her and seeing her as a real person.
And Jana felt at peace, knowing she’d get into rehab and build a life with the man she loved.
Diesel didn’t even want her to mention her drug use, even though Meggie knew.
He also wanted Rebel. He’d never said it, but the minute Rebel walked into a room, he focused on her. Jana understood. Her new sister was wild and free, dramatic in her beauty, attitude, and presence, even as young as she was.
If Jana could think a little clearer, she’d ask Rebel for help. Or she’d study her so she’d mimic her actions until she felt so secure. Or, maybe, she’d just make a fool of herself and everyone would tease her.
The way Rebel stood up to Diesel was admirable. Jana could never. She’d offer her opinion. Just a few weeks ago, she’d asked Diesel to meet with a potential client that was texting him while they were on a date at Tee’s.
But looking Diesel in the eye, standing toe-to-toe with him, and yelling in his face? Never. She had no money, nothing to do, and nowhere else to go. Her parents wouldn’t turn her away, but if Diesel broke their engagement, they would be so upset and disappointed in her.
Faced with Diesel’s annoyance or anger, Jana feared his rejection more than anything, even her unhappiness. For the time being, she could only cry and remind him how much she loved him.
Except last night. When Roy sparked a conversation with her after Diesel’s rejection, Jana had been so happy to have someone treat her like a human being and want to talk to her.
But she’d angered Diesel again. To be fair, she hadn’t expected him to just walk out of his cousin’s play to teach Jana a lesson.
That’s what he’d done, though, and she hadn’t heard from him until an hour ago when he ordered her to Rebel’s closet.
Rebel’s closet…
Awareness hit Jana and she blinked, stepping back as Rebel’s glare came into focus.
“Good to know you’ve checked back in, Jana.”
“Pick out your cheapest outfit because I don’t have any money to pay you back if I ruin your clothes.”
Folding her arms, Rebel rocked on her bare feet. She wore another pretty robe and had a towel wrapped around her head. “Why did you follow fuckface’s orders if you’re so hesitant?”
“I don’t have a lot of nice clothes.”
Rebel thought about that. “You don’t have any money, do you?”
“No,” Jana mumbled.
“Why? What’s wrong…going on with you?”
“Nothing.”
“Not. Something is,” Rebel insisted. “There’s no fucking reason for you to put up with Diesel’s treatment.”
“I’m his fiancée.”
“You could be his wife, and it wouldn’t excuse his behavior.”
“I love him.”
“Broken record. That’s all you ever say and it still isn’t an excuse. You loving him does not equate to him loving you. If he loved you, he wouldn’t treat you so bad.”
Nausea swirled in her belly and her insides shook at the thought of losing Diesel. “He can’t let me go. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”
“Probably thrive.”
Or overdose, which Jana couldn’t admit to. “Please don’t make him break our engagement.”
“You don’t know him very well if you think I could make him do anything.”
“I thought I did. I-I mean I do. We’re getting married.”
“Okay.”
Jana needed a hit. She couldn’t face the reality of how Diesel really felt about her and she couldn’t compete with Rebel, who didn’t like her very much. That wasn’t the way Jana envisioned their relationship at all.
“Take this for what it’s worth, Jana,” Rebel said evenly.
“I’m lending you clothes because you came to my door and asked me to.
Diesel didn’t let me know you were coming.
I’ll show you my phone to prove it. But you cannot continue to mope, cry, and jump at, or to, everything Diesel does and says.
It isn’t good for you and that motherfucker isn’t worth it. No one is.”
“I want him to love me back.”
“Why?”
“Because I love—”
“If you say that to me again, I’m never fucking talking to you in life. It’s fucking established that you love him. Why? And why do you want him to love you when you can’t seem to handle him?”
“He’s so very handsome.”
Rebel nodded. “Extremely.”
“He’s gorgeous.”
“We just established that.”
“Tall and athletic and…and beautiful with those intense gray eyes and dark hair. He could be an underwear model. Or…or on an advertisement for cologne. Or pose for GQ. He’s gorgeous.”
Rebel glowered at her and Jana gulped.
“Bishop and Grant are beautiful too, Jana. Do you love them?”
“No.”
“Why do you love Diesel?”
“I know you don’t want me with him,” Jana whispered.
“This has nothing to do with me,” Rebel growled, then huffed. “Do you know why I thought I loved him? Besides the obvious?”
“Why?” Jana asked miserably.
“Because he listened to me. He made me laugh. He danced with me and took me for rides on his Harley. I thought he was so smart. He helped teach me to fight, shoot, and throw knives. Throw footballs. Once, he picked me up from school in an Armani suit and his first Mercedes. I came home to do homework. When I saw him an hour or two later, he was in his cut and jeans. The ease in which he transformed awed me. He consoled me when I got into trouble. He was sweet, charming, and protective, and he talked to me like I had a fucking brain. Slowly, he changed and wanted me to act “like a lady”. At first, I stood up to him because I lost my temper, but I quickly realized I got his attention and kept it. No matter what that dickhead says, he wants someone to hold him accountable. In a different way than Daddy does. He wants someone to call him down and ask him if he’s lost his fucking mind. ”
“Tabitha called him out,” Jana blurted.
“Yeah, well, he wouldn’t listen to her. He wouldn’t have almost lost his shit if another man talked to her like the dude from last night.
And he definitely wouldn’t have cared if fucking Boo Boo the Clown made her laugh.
He cares about you, but if what you feel for him is more than just about his looks, you have got to assert yourself and make him see you. ”
“Diesel likes his freedom. If I try to rein him in, he’d hate me.”
“Then hate that motherfucker back,” Rebel spat. “It’s working wonders for me.”
“I’m not you.”
“Are you jealous of me?”
“Not at all. I think you’re beautiful and kind.”
“Kind is a word few people would use to describe me,” Rebel said, laughing. “But thank you.”
“You’re kind to me.”
“I’m loyal to my family. There’s a difference.”
Hearing Rebel only helped her out of loyalty to Diesel depressed Jana a little more.
Rebel took Jana’s hands into her own. “Look me in the eyes and hold my gaze,” she instructed.
Jana tried several times to follow the orders. Though she met Rebel’s gaze, she couldn’t hold it for more than two seconds.
“Try to keep your focus on me and tell me this, as mean as possible: If you look at my man wrong, heifer, I will beat your fucking ass.”
“Diesel would never forgive me.”
“Wrong fucking starting point,” Rebel grumbled. “Repeat this: fuck Diesel.”
Shaking her head, Jana snatched her hands away. “I can’t.”
“Pretend I’m one of the club girls if you don’t want to say it to me.”
“I can’t stop Diesel from doing as he pleases.”
“You can break every bone in that fuckhead’s body. That would definitely stop him.”
“He’d never forgive me.”
“We already have the I love him and he’s gorgeous broken record, let’s not start a new one, ‘k? Thanks for taking that advice.”
“I-I didn’t agree.”
Rebel smirked. “Progress.”
“But—”
“You don’t have to agree with me or Diesel or anyone if you disagree. It’s your unalienable fucking right to stand up for yourself.”
“That doesn’t apply to relationships, though.”