20. Nathan
NATHAN
Time at the cabin passes in a haze of missing our mate, with no immediate solution forthcoming.
When we’re not forcing ourselves to eat, occasionally shower, and do the most basic of tasks to keep ourselves alive, we take turns asking questions, learning more about each other. Still, most of our conversation revolves around Kato and figuring out how on earth we’re going to reunite with him.
Declan has us over a barrel. If Cas or I are caught sneaking onto pack lands, our lives are forfeit. I doubt that Declan wishes death on his nephew, but he’s made himself clear. I don’t want to push him into a corner that he only sees one way out of.
So, I play at normality, shopping online and running out in my beat-up car to the local human village to collect our deliveries. A new phone for Cas. Some more clothing and toiletries. Food to keep us going.
I work on fixing my Range Rover the best I can with the skills I have and repairing the damage to the cabin. Keeping my hands busy is important. It stops me from growing antsy enough to risk going after Kato and screwing us all.
On our third night without him, I crack open a neglected bottle of whisky in a bid to drown our sorrows.
Cas is tiny and hasn’t built up a tolerance, so he only manages a couple of glasses before his face flushes and his words start to slur.
He’s a cute drunk, a little sloppy, and far touchier than I’d have guessed, draping himself over me on the sofa and planting wet-faced, teary kisses all over my face.
Sex isn’t on the cards, but intimacy is a balm.
A temporary one, but one all the same. Before we go to sleep each night, I suck tiny red bruises over Cas’s skin, leaving Kato’s mark untouched.
It belongs to him and him alone. Kato’s bite on my own body has already healed, faded to a shiny scar. Permanent, I think—I hope.
Now that we’ve been forced apart, I want nothing more than to have him back.
Already, it’s harder to feel him. The distance dimming our bond, perhaps.
Or—and this thought frightens me the most—it’s failing.
New bonds need to be nurtured; I don’t know if we spent enough time together for ours to fully take.
I message Adrian constantly for updates, but every response is the same.
No sightings. I’ll let you know. I’d wager Kato’s being kept somewhere.
After everything he revealed to me in the aftermath of our mating, I’m terrified that he’ll fall straight back into old habits.
Without me there to stop him, he could do all sorts of damage to his recovery. Irreparable, even.
He was barely getting over adding another body to his count.
Lashing out again and murdering yet another shifter would be…
less than ideal for his mental state. Donnie’s death under the wheels of my Range Rover was more his own fault than anyone else’s, a fact even Kato seems to understand, despite his overly self-critical nature.
He’ll be quietly beating himself up over it anyway, I’m sure, and Cas and I aren’t there to help assuage his guilt and reassure him there was nothing he could have done to change the outcome.
I’m impotent out here. Anything could be happening to him and I wouldn’t be able to stop it.
My wolf rages whenever my thoughts stray to my missing mate, but being in my fur does nothing other than drive me to the edge of Declan’s territory, pacing the invisible line.
Stepping even one paw over could mean a death sentence.
I just can’t trust how reasonable Declan will be—if he’ll be reasonable at all.
On the fourth day of our exile, Cas tells me he wants—nay, needs—more than just a few slow kisses and love bites.
He’s been floating listlessly around the cabin, passing hours reading silently in the garden.
I notice how slowly he turns the pages, though.
No way he’s taking much in. We can sense each other’s pain through our bond, reflecting our shared misery.
Cas is hurting from more than missing Kato.
Physically, Cas is a freshly mated omega; his post-mating period should be filled with sexual touch and intimacy, reinforcing and enhancing the bond.
Most couples would spend the first few weeks after mating barely coming up for air.
I can’t bring myself to do it, though, and neither can he. Not without Kato.
I can’t give Cas everything he needs, but I can give him something close.
We’ve done little else other than stew in our sorrow and wait for Adrian and Niall to visit.
They’ve been under close watch—especially after Niall’s unwillingness to agree with Declan’s verdict—but they’re coming tomorrow, finally.
Declan’s attention will hopefully be elsewhere thanks to a sudden bee-related emergency (thank you, Bryan).
Cas and I both need to find solace in each other. Fill the empty space inside of ourselves, even if it’s a shallow replacement.
On his insistence, I give Cas a tour of the contents of my wardrobe.
Not the one with my clothes in it, of course.
No, this one contains almost every single sex toy I own.
The more hardcore toys are kept in an old wooden sailor’s chest that’s been handed down my family for generations.
Sometimes I wonder what my forebears would think about it being full to the brim with clamps, gags, and spreader bars.
Truth is I’ve not even used much of it, not often having the opportunity.
Most one-night stands are smart enough to avoid bondage with a stranger, especially a shifter.
A lot of humans also conveniently forget that I wouldn’t need to tie them up in order to have them at my mercy.
A lot of my toys I wouldn’t use on Cas. Not yet. Maybe not ever. He’s too new to it all. Kato, though? Someday soon I’d like to try them with him.
Cas’s pink tongue snakes out, wetting his lips. “Would you like to use these with me?”
I glance at my shelf of dildos. “Those?”
He shrugs a pale shoulder, my oversized jumper falling down and exposing his skin. “Any of it. All of it.”
“I can’t use all of my sex toys on you at once,” I say with a chuckle.
“Damn, and here I thought my magical wet arsehole could fit”—Cas turns to the wardrobe, making a show of counting each and every one—“sixteen dildos in it at once.”
My brain short-circuits at the image of Cas stuffed from both ends with—well, not quite sixteen dildos, but certainly more than a couple. We’ll need to stretch him like that if Kato and I ever fuck him in the same hole at once.
Cas clicks his finger in front of my face. “Earth to Nathan. Did you fall into a kinky fugue state?”
I don’t even bother to lie. “Yeah,” I say sheepishly. Apparently my libido hasn’t completely disappeared, even if sex is off the table.
I can do something else, though. Something I think will relax Cas in a way he’s not been able to these past few days.
“I have an idea,” I say slowly. “Do you want to know now, or do you want to wait until you’ve showered?” We went out on a run to stretch our legs earlier, and we could both probably do with a wash.
Cas raises his arm and sniffs his armpit, wrinkling his nose. “Do I stink?”
“Not at all.” I bend and shove my nose right into it, making him squeal. I take a deep sniff. “Okay, a nice little Cas pong. That’s normal.”
“I don’t have a pong.”
“Everyone has a pong.” My smirk is the only warning he gets before I yank him to me and shove his face into my armpit. “See?”
He bats ineffectually at me, trying and failing to escape. I let him go after a couple of seconds and he staggers back, glaring up at me. “I would be mad at you right now if you didn’t somehow smell incredible. You haven’t showered since yesterday!”
I can’t help but lean down and take his lips in a fierce kiss.
It’s a novelty, getting to have him this way.
I’ve never done much kissing or casual affection, having never been in an adult relationship before.
Thirty-five fucking years old and I’m only now experiencing these firsts.
My fumblings with Seth as a teenager were nothing like this.
And as much as I wish all three of us were here together, wholly abstaining won’t do anyone any good.
“Go shower,” I tell him. “Get all nice and clean for me. I’ll get everything ready out here.”
His eyes light up. “Yeah?”
I nod and steer him towards the little bathroom. “Go. Use that fancy shampoo I bought for you.”
“And the hole serum?”
Fuck. I’d forgotten—I got a bit too excited and spent a ridiculous amount of money on the special serum designed specifically for omegas. Cas isn’t quite an omega, of course, but he deserves to be treated like one where it counts.
“I mean, you don’t need it for what I have planned, but it smells pretty nice,” I say as I push him into the bathroom.
“What does the serum even do?” Cas asks. “The label’s in Korean.”
“Probably the same thing they’re designed to do for your face.”
He turns and gives me a bemused look. “Keep it youthful and wrinkle-free?”
I shrug. “Sounds about right. Now,” I put on a stern voice, “no more distractions. Shower.”
Cas performs an overdramatic full-body shudder. “Use that tone on me again, please.”
“Not until you deserve it.”
He grins. “That was still the tone.”
Dammit. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’s won, so I turn tail and leave the bathroom.
His titter of laughter—the first I’ve heard since our exile—follows me.
I let that small scrap of happiness fuel me as I prepare the bedroom.
I don’t feel up for sex, but organisation is just as sexy, right?
Keep telling yourself that, Nate, a distinctly Kato-like voice says in my head.
Fuck. I miss him so much that I’m reduced to imagining how he’d make fun of me. The sooner we reunite, the better, because at least if it’s the real Kato spouting snarky remarks then I can spank him for it.
But first, I have a sweet and needy beta to attend to.