Chapter 17 Eris
My anthem, my song when I need to get my head back on right, “Masterpiece (Mona Lisa)” by Jazmine Sullivan played loudly on repeat for the last hour as I went through the house cleaning.
The house was already spotless except for all the damn flowers Rayzor sent over having it looking like a flower shop.
Besides that, you could eat off the floors, but my mind was far gone; too consumed with Rayzor’s and his dumb ass actions.
I cried myself to sleep several nights. It’s been forever since I cried over a man, Levi’s dad many moons ago. I hated he lied to me when he looked me in the face and told me what he thought I wanted to hear.
I never got liar from Rayzor. He’s always been truthful and real since day one.
If there’s a reason he didn’t want me knowing that part of his life, he could’ve told me and gave me the option to choose if I wanted to deal with him after that.
But it’s the constant streets talking, telling me his secrets only for him to tell me something different like the people were lying, that did it for me.
My family meant everything to me, and I couldn’t put them in harm’s way.
And the truth revealing itself to me in the manner it did showed me that I dove headfirst into a relationship with Rayzor off lust. That’s my fault.
But I saved us from anything brewing in the dark.
I just hated it had to come at the expense of my broken heart.
“Eris,” Erin called out, walking into the kitchen with Levi following behind her.
“Mommy.” Levi waved.
“Hey, baby.”
Without asking, I grabbed his snacks off the counter, handing them to him. He took them and ran off. I turned around and her eyes grew. I scrunched my nose out of reflection.
“What?”
“Your eyes are red. This song has been on max volume for the last hour and days, and you’ve cleaned the house from top to bottom. Something wrong?” she asked with concern.
“I’m fine, Erin. I just needed to clean the house, that’s all.”
“The house is already cleaned. Look at you…” She pointed to me. “There’s nothing even there.”
I glanced at my hand moving in a circular motion, cleaning the same spot on the counter repeatedly. Once I realized, I snapped my arm back, leaving the cloth where it was. It made me feel silly that she saw me at my lowest.
“You need something?” I asked with my hand on my hip.
“No. But I know something’s going on because that’s the only time you play this song so much.”
“Alright, nosey. Since you don’t need anything, I need to finish cleaning so I can cook.”
“Is Rayzor coming over? It’s pizza night.”
Hearing his name made my stomach twinge and heart break. My eyes snapped up at hers, and I swallowed hard to prevent the swelling I felt every time I thought about him.
“No, not tonight. Not for a while.”
“What? Why?”
I didn’t involve Erin in my business; that’s not a place for her. If she picked up on things, that’s one thing, but actively telling her was a no in my book. She’s a child and didn’t need to be hearing grown folks’ business.
“He’s just not. I’ll fix y’all something in a minute.”
“Rayzor’s coming?” Levi yelled out, adding insult to injury.
“No, baby. He’s not.”
His little smile faded quickly.
Both of their faces were dull and that made me fucking mad. That’s the reason I didn’t want them getting too attached to him. I thought about the future and wanted to protect their feelings in case something ever happened. It’s not like I wanted Rayzor and I to break up, but it’s for the best.
“But he said we’d have pizza, and he was taking us to the mall too. What about the trip?”
“Erin, please!” I yelled without meaning to.
She jumped and that made it worse.
Her and Levi looked at me confused.
Before I could even say anything to her, she walked off with Levi in tow. That broke my heart.
This breakup was still a sore spot. I didn’t mean to snap. It was the first time they’ve asked about him. He’d come by recently and I left him outside. I couldn’t deal with the explanation. There was nothing to say.
I’ve been avoiding seeing anything about Rayzor on social media.
I didn’t handle that right with Erin and felt shitty for it.
I made breakfast for dinner to smooth things over with the kids since it’s their favorite.
We ate in silence. All of us in our own worlds. The kids played around in their food like it was the worst thing in the world. I didn’t even have a taste for it either.
“We want pizza,” Levi mumbled.
Erin’s eyes dragged from him to me.
I dropped my fork on the plate, leg shaking underneath the table. I was trying my hardest not to take it there with them again. This was hard.
“Y’all done?”
They nodded.
“Gon’ on then,” I dismissed them.
Erin took their plates, trashing what they didn’t eat before taking off to her room.
I sat at the table composing myself. My appetite was gone, so I pushed the plate back.
“This shit,” I murmured, getting up and tossing my own damn food in the trash.
They had gone and curled up in Erin’s room.
I sat on the couch for a second, stealing glances, hoping they’d come back out, but they didn’t. After pouring me some wine, I watched the blank TV screen alone. My thoughts were all over the place, but Rayzor was at the center of it all.
Why the hell he had to go and fuck things up? Now he’s thrown the kids into the lion’s den. I was lying to them and trying to mend my heart. I hated it.
After a couple glasses of wine, I made us popcorn and turned on their favorite movie cued up in my room so we could watch it from bed. I wanted peace in my house because my mind was a madhouse.
Before I made it the bedroom door, the doorbell rang. I didn’t even have time to check my phone before the kids came sprinting passed me, almost knocking me over.
I felt him in my spine. He was near.
“That bet not be–” I chased them down.
“Rayzor!” the kids yelled.
“I know damn well y’all didn’t…” My words trailed off when I saw him walking in with pizza boxes and bags full of groceries.
Hoodie over his feet, sweats and slides on. Comfortable like he’d been either home or at the gym. Not his usual wear.
“So, y’all don’t listen now? I told y’all he wasn’t coming.”
“But, Ma, it’s pizza night,” Levi said chipperly.
“That’s why y’all played in the food I cooked,” I argued. “Hell no, y’all ain’t eating this either. Get it out my house.” I pointed to the door.
The disappointed looks on their faces didn’t move me. They deliberately defied me and that exceeds anything from earlier. I couldn’t believe they did me like that.
“Eris, come on. He’s already here,” Erin whined.
“I said no. I cooked, y’all didn’t eat.”
“We ate a little,” Erin smart-mouth ass retorted.
“Y’all gon’ fuck around and get in trouble. Didn’t she tell you no? You made it seem like she was cool with it,” Rayzor jumped in.
Both their heads dropped.
The peanut gallery was in trouble with me.
Erin peeped over at me. “I just…”
“Nah, I’m right here. Talk to me. What you got going on Erin?” Rayzor interjected.
She got quiet.
Rayzor lifted her head.
“Up here.”
“E yelled at us earlier,” she snitched.
“Yeah,” Levi added.
“I know y’all broke up,” she murmured.
My eyed burned into Rayzor’s skull.
“Says who?” he asked.
“Why are you in grown folks’ business?” I fussed.
“Because I heard you crying. You never cry.”
My eyes softened as I wanted to run and hug Erin tight. Rayzor’s sternness was fading. It was awkward. I felt too seen, too open, too soft.
I never want her to see me vulnerable. I’ve been raising her to be strong. I never wanted her to think it was okay to be in shambles over a man. That’s why I cried when nobody’s watching.
“I’m not sad, Erin.”
“You’ve been playing your heartbreak music. If I gotta hear that Jazmine Sullivan song one more time, I’m going to cry too,” she continued.
“Take the pizzas to the kitchen,” I excused them.
Their mood chippered up as she grabbed the boxes. Levi grabbed whatever bag he could.
Rayzor started behind them.
I halted him with my hand up.
“You can give it to me.”
His eyes daggered toward the kitchen then down at me.
“I’m chilling with my family. You heard what the fuck Erin said.”
“Stop playing now,” I fussed.
“You can figure all that shit out during the movie.”
“I don’t want to confuse them. She already knows. Let’s not make this more complicated.”
He walked past me like I didn’t tell his ass no. His essence stood behind while he was long gone. I kissed my teeth and rolled my eyes before following behind him.
The kids were loading up their plates and heading to the living room.
My plans for the bedroom were thrown out the window. I watched as they interacted together. They all camped out on the sofa like a happy family. Rayzor made the kids smile. He always did. The love they had for him scared me.
Erin’s never really had a father figure, and to see her gravitate him made me leery. My relationship affects the entire family. And now that we’re broken up, I saw how badly this was going.
My heart was broken, theirs wasn’t, but I still had to see him when all I wanted to do was curse him the hell out and cry. I didn’t want to make him the villain; the blogs did that enough. That’s why I kept the breakup to myself.
“Come on.” He patted the empty space next to him.
“I’m fine,” I refused. “Y’all watch the movie.”
“Please, E,” Erin begged.
I sat at the edge, but Rayzor grabbed me, dragging me and placing me underneath his arm.
“That shit making my dick hard,” he whispered in my ear.
“Boy, bye.”
“I’m for real. The way you letting a nigga know, putting me in my place and holding it down. It’s fucking with my mental, but I love how you’re doing it. I love that shit. And I love you too.” He kissed the side of my head.
I thought if he stopped coming around they’d stop asking and we’d all move on with our lives. I was wrong. He had an impact on all of us.