Chapter 10
10
‘Please don’t look at me like that,’ he said.
‘Like what?’
‘Like you just kicked my puppy.’
I sucked in a breath. ‘I would never !’
He shook his head. ‘I know you wouldn’t. It’s just your expression…’
I met his eyes. ‘I don’t know what to say, Jesse. “I’m sorry for your loss” always seems such an insignificant thing to say to someone so I never know whether to say it or not.’
‘Thanks. I know what you mean. But you feel you want to say something, right?’
‘Exactly.’
We stood for a moment in silence, listening to birds who hadn’t opted for a tropical winter holiday settling down to roost for the night.
‘It’s been nearly five years but, like I said before, this is a small community.’
‘Surely they wouldn’t begrudge you meeting someone?’ My brain caught up. ‘Not that we’re… you know. The offer of dinner was meant as a thank you, not a date.’
His smile spread slowly and I didn’t know what to do with it so I shoved my hands into my pockets and waited.
‘You know, you could really dent a man’s ego.’
I arched an eyebrow. ‘Somehow, I don’t think that’s a problem you’ve ever suffered from.’
He made no reply to that, returning instead to the previous question.
‘And no. They wouldn’t begrudge me anything, but it’s not that simple. If it had been the other way around, I’d have wanted Alice to meet someone and be happy again as soon as possible.’ He looked up at the noisy birds in the treetops, squinting at them, and I hazarded a guess that he wasn’t seeing them at all. ‘There’s been plenty of times I’ve wished it was the other way around.’
‘But it wasn’t,’ I said, my hand reaching up to touch his shoulder.
He looked round, the briefest hint of something like surprise to find me there.
‘Sorry. Miles away.’
I nodded. What was there to say?
‘I just… I’ve seen a few people since and, I don’t know, it just feels like I’m duty-bound to tell her parents.’
‘I’m sure they want you to be happy.’
He straightened slightly, as if snapping himself back to the present. ‘Yeah. Sorry, you don’t want to hear all this.’
I smiled but kept my thoughts to myself because, actually, I did want to hear it. This and so much more. And that was a problem.
‘Let’s get out of here. You’re right. Dinner would be good, but not because you owe me anything. You don’t.’
I opened my mouth to argue but Jesse was there before me.
‘It’s not open to debate.’
I closed my mouth.
‘There’s a great little pub a couple of villages over.’
‘Sounds perfect.’
‘And before you think of it, I’m not suggesting that one because I don’t want to be seen with you.’
‘It hadn’t crossed my mind.’
‘Fibber,’ he said with a grin.
‘It’s a bit late anyway, as you’ve offered me a room for the next couple of nights. Or at least your sister did.’
‘That’s true. But like I said, it’s not that I care what people think in general. It’s just…’
‘They’ve been through enough?’
‘Yeah,’ he said with a sigh. ‘Exactly.’
‘Sounds like you’ve not had it easy either.’
‘I’m fine.’
I recognised the automatic response but let it go. If he wanted to tell me anything more, he would.
‘So you think it’d be possible to make this into an alternative stable?’ It seemed a good time for a change of subject.
‘Yeah, I do. I mean, the other one is OK. Maisie’s had Honey in there since she got her a couple of years ago, as far as I know.’
‘Yes, but I’m here now and those facilities aren’t good enough, if you ask me, especially when you’re charging money for it.’
‘Which you aren’t,’ Jesse reminded me.
‘No. Not at the moment, but it looks like there’s some making-up to Maisie to be done.’
‘Which isn’t your responsibility.’
‘It’s not yours either.’
Jesse pulled a face.
‘Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you’re responsible for their actions or attitude. You’re clearly very different from your cousin and it’s obvious that people around here know it.’
‘I hope so.’
‘They do. Stop questioning it.’
Jesse looked down at me. ‘You can be quite stroppy when you want, can’t you?’
‘That’s not stroppy. That’s assuredness. Believe me, if you think that’s stroppy, you’ve led a very sheltered life.’
‘That sounds ominous.’
I flung him a smile. ‘Don’t worry. I wasn’t talking about me.’
He mock wiped his brow and we trudged back towards the house to lock up what it was possible to lock and head back to Jesse’s.
* * *
An hour later, we were in Jesse’s BMW coupé on the way to the pub. The pale-tan leather seats hugged me cosily and my bum was warming nicely thanks to them being heated. Although the car was swankier than the pick-up, Jesse himself looked much the same, only slightly upgraded. A casual shirt had replaced the long-sleeved tee he’d worn earlier and the jeans he wore now were dark indigo rather than the well-worn, faded working pair I’d seen him in prior to this evening. He rocked both looks pretty damn well.
The blue sky had turned hazy with the sunset and clouds bubbled up as darkness fell, bringing with them a fine, steady rain. I sent up my thanks once again that the roof was now covered although, after the storm, I wasn’t sure there was anything in my room that could have possibly got any wetter than it already was. I looked out of the car window but all I saw was my own face reflected back at me. I’d taken my hair down for the evening and earlier, when Jesse hadn’t been looking, I’d shot into the house and grabbed a few items of clothing that were thankfully still being stored in one of the spare rooms. Conversation was limited as we drove along the windy, wet back roads and I had to admit that I was having second thoughts about the evening. Earlier, when we’d been chatting and even got a bit of banter going, it had seemed like a good idea. But now I wasn’t so sure.
‘You OK?’ Jesse glanced over for a fraction of a second before focusing back on the road.
‘Me? Yes, fine, thanks. Lovely weather.’
Being British, I resorted back to the one topic anyone on these isles could be sure to have an opinion on.
To my surprise, Jesse’s opinion was laughter. He paused at a shrinky-dink sized crossroads and looked over at me before pulling out and turning left.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘You’re pretty quiet. I was wondering if you were having second thoughts about wanting to go out tonight. And then you started talking about the weather and I knew for sure.’ There was still amusement in his voice as he asked if I wanted him to turn back.
‘No, of course not. If anything I thought you might be the one regretting agreeing.’
‘Not at all. Just concentrating. There’s a lot of deer around here and they have a tendency to just appear from the side of the road.’
‘Oh!’ I peered at the hedgerow suspiciously. ‘Then, by all means, be as silent as you like.’
‘It’s fine. The pub’s just down the road here.’ He pointed by lifting one finger from the steering wheel towards where a cluster of warm white lights was illuminating a postcard-quaint, thatched-roofed building.
The gravel of the car park crunched beneath the tyres as Jesse pulled in and found a space.
I bent to pick up my clutch as Jesse got out and moments later, he was opening the passenger-side door. I took the hand he offered to exit the car onto the uneven ground and he pushed the door closed and, after two steps, offered his arm. The rain had just about stopped as we started towards the door.
‘Thanks.’ The last thing I needed was a broken ankle on top of a broken house and a broken car! ‘I didn’t realise it’d be uneven.’
‘No, I should have mentioned it, sorry. I didn’t realise Jules had lent you heels.’ We both looked down at my feet as we entered the pool of light cast from the porch lamp.
‘Umm… she didn’t.’
I could feel Jesse’s eyes burning into me even before I tilted my head to meet them. His arm had dropped away and, in a change from his usual annoyed-with-me stance, his hands were now rammed in his pockets.
‘Please don’t tell me you went back into that house to get shoes.’
‘No, I didn’t.’
He let out a breath of relief.
‘I went in to get underwear and a few other clothes as well as shoes.’
‘Felicity.’ It was almost a growl. Before he could say anything else, another couple crunched their way up to the door and I hoped we might all enter together, but Jesse nodded to them as he moved us both to the side. The door closed on the cosy inn, the smell of woodsmoke teasing my nostrils. I wrapped my coat tighter and waited.
‘I expressly told you not to go back in there until it’s checked over. The whole bloody thing could have come down on you!’
‘As it could have last night and you still charged in so I’m not sure you’re in any position to lecture me.’
‘That was different. You were in there!’ He was still close and I could see the frustration boiling in his eyes.
‘Then you could have called the fire brigade! Anyway, I would have got out. I was just… waiting for the right moment.’
His lips disappeared into a thin line and he tilted his head fractionally to the right. ‘You must think I’ve just come up from nearest cabbage patch if you think I’m going to believe that one. And yes, maybe I should have called them, but I didn’t think about it at the time. You had all day to think about going back in for…’ he looked back down at my feet ‘…shoes.’
‘Look. I’m sorry, OK? But as much as I like your sister, I’d really rather wear my own underwear! Surely you can understand that. You’d been banging on about the roof all morning and nothing had shifted so I thought it’d be OK just to grab a few things. I swear I wasn’t more than three minutes. As reckless as you think I am, I don’t actually want my house to fall on me either!’ I let out a tense huff through my mouth, the breath turning into a cloud in the cold night air.
‘I understand why you’d want to do that. Just, please, don’t do it again until we know it’s safe.’ His voice was calmer now, deep and rich in the low light.
‘I won’t.’
Without replying, he placed a hand on the small of my back and guided me towards the door. ‘Come on. Let’s get inside. You’re freezing. And as pretty as those shoes are, I imagine you’ve long since lost all feeling in your feet.’
We hurried in through the thick wooden door, and quickly closed it again to keep in the heat. I wrapped my arms around me and stamped my feet a couple of times in an effort to go home with the same amount of toes I arrived with.
Clearing a way through the surprisingly busy Sunday evening crowd in the bar area, Jesse took my hand and led me through in his wake, his fingers wrapped firmly around mine.
‘Jesse, love!’ the woman at the bar greeted him warmly. ‘Lovely to see you, especially out in this weather.’
‘Nothing stops me from coming here, Janet, you know that.’
‘Ah, you’re just saying that,’ she teased.
‘I’m here, aren’t I?’ He spread his hands as far as he could in the cramped space.
‘You are, indeed. And what are you here for?’ she asked, casting a smile and an interested glance in my direction.
‘My neighbour’s got some house problems so she could do with a decent meal. I knew just where to suggest.’
‘Well, I’m sorry to hear that, love, but Jesse’s right. If it’s a good meal you need, then he’s definitely brought you to the right place.’ She gave us both a wide smile and I saw the twinkle in her eye. Time to quash that particular avenue of gossip.
‘Jesse forgot to mention the storm also flattened my car, hence he was kind enough to be my taxi tonight.’
From the corner of my eye, I saw my neighbour’s head turn towards me a fraction.
‘Oh, goodness! You are in the wars, aren’t you? Let’s get you both sat down and warming up, then.’ Janet came around from behind the bar and bustled us through under a low beam, which Jesse automatically ducked, into another room, quieter than the bar with tables laid more elegantly than I’d expected for a country pub, many of them already filled.
‘This one here?’ she asked.
‘Perfect,’ Jesse replied as I pulled out my chair and sat down.
‘Right, here’s your menus. Gabby will be your waitress tonight and she’ll be along soon. Can I get you some drinks in the meantime?’
‘I’d love a white wine, please. Whatever you recommend.’
Janet nodded at me, smiling, then looked expectantly at Jesse.
‘A bottle of still water would be great. Thanks, Janet.’
And off she bustled back to the bar.
‘You didn’t have to do that, you know,’ he said, once she was out of earshot.
‘Do what?’
‘Earlier. Making sure Janet knew this wasn’t a date.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I replied, my focus now on the menu in front of me.
Jesse leant closer and, without consultation with my brain, my gaze raised to meet his.
‘Remember,’ he whispered. ‘I grew up on a farm. I can smell bullshit three miles away.’
I looked back down and studied the options.
* * *
‘You going to tell me this isn’t as good as some of the places you’ve eaten in London?’ Jesse asked. Gabby had just finished clearing the plates and had left us with the pudding menu, although there was no way I could find room for any more food.
‘If I did, I’d be lying.’
He seemed pleased with the answer and returned his attention to the menu. ‘Are you having anything?’
‘I really don’t have room.’
Jesse raised his head. ‘You’re missing out if you don’t. Seriously, the sticky toffee pudding here is beyond anything you’ve ever tasted.’
‘That’s quite the claim.’
‘And I stand by it.’
I closed the menu. ‘Then I think we’d better order.’
Annoyingly, he was right and he knew it. ‘The look on your face,’ Jesse said, laughing. ‘Don’t even try to tell me I’m wrong now.’
‘Have you ever heard of winning gracefully?’
‘It’s not about winning,’ he said, taking a forkful of the heavenly pudding we were sharing. ‘It’s about showing you what you’ve been missing.’
‘Smug isn’t attractive, you know that, right?’
His mouth full of pudding, he laughed with his mouth closed, his eyes catching the light from the candle on our table, bright sparks reflected in the deep grey as they too crinkled with amusement. Smug might not be attractive but Jesse Woods definitely went in the ‘hot as hell’ pile.
The drive back to his house felt more relaxed. On my part that was probably due to the two glasses of wine I’d had. I wasn’t sure what Jesse’s reason was, although the sticky toffee pudding had been an almost spiritual experience so it might have been that.
‘I am sorry that I went into the house again. I guess I wasn’t really thinking.’
‘That’s OK. I get it and probably I’d be the same.’
‘Partial to a Louboutin heel too, then? Not sure you need the height, to be honest.’
He tossed me a look in the low light of the car that told me not to be a smartass.
‘Thanks for this.’ I waved my hand around and the thought that I probably should have stopped at the one large glass flitted briefly through my brain but didn’t pause to land. ‘Taking me out tonight. I mean, not that you’re taking me out, out. I just mean driving me – us – out tonight.’ Another thought then flew in, this one roosting in my brain a little longer, that perhaps I should have waited for the food before downing nearly all the contents of the first glass. ‘Why did you bring me those nails when I dropped them?’
‘Huh?’
I shuffled my bum round in the seat. ‘At the DIY shop? You didn’t have to follow me.’
‘It sounds creepy when you put it like that.’
‘No-o-o-o-o. It was really kind. If I’d realised I’d left them behind at that point, I might have just lain in that mud and never got up again.’
‘Then I’m glad I did what I did.’
‘But why?’
‘Honestly? I was kind of worried who else might get hurt with that timber. Let’s just say you didn’t look like a natural.’
‘I dread to think what I looked like – don’t remind me!’
‘And secondly, probably a bit of basic nosiness. I knew who you were. At least, I knew you’d moved in and I hadn’t been up here for years so I was interested to see what my cousin had done with the place. The fact you were buying wood made me wonder why. He’d been on about making it a turnkey property.’
‘I might have been building something.’
‘You might have,’ Jesse replied without a hint of belief in his tone. ‘Which reminds me,’ he continued as we swung into his driveway. ‘We need to sort out that entrance that I came through. It needs blocking off. The last thing you need is animals wandering in or out.’
Oh God, I never had this problem in London. I let out a groan and covered my face with my hands. ‘What have I done?’
Jesse applied the handbrake and then gently curled his fingers around the edges of mine and removed my hands from my face.
‘We’ll sort it. Don’t worry.’
I let my head drop back against the headrest. ‘This isn’t your problem, Jesse. You’ve already done more than enough. Look, maybe you were right earlier. Maybe I should just have sold to someone. It doesn’t have to be a golf club or whatever. Perhaps the agent can find someone who’s looking for a project and can finish it to the level it should have been?’ I pulled my head back up and faced him. ‘We both know I don’t really belong here.’
Jesse didn’t say anything for a moment, then sat back and got out of the car. Yeah. Wine was definitely a bad idea. I closed my eyes.
The passenger door opened and I jumped. Jesse held out a hand and I took it. Suddenly everything, including me, was feeling a bit wobbly. I stood, my head closer to his chin with the heels I’d possibly risked my life to retrieve. I turned to close the door but he was there before me.
‘Come on. Let’s get inside. It’s freezing out here.’
I held back. The wine had led me to look at things a little more deeply and the realisation of the current state of my life, combined with the sharp cold air of the night, had suddenly sobered me entirely.
‘I’m going to call a taxi.’
‘To where?’ The planes of Jesse’s face were all highlights and shadow from the porch light.
‘A hotel.’
He let out a sigh. ‘Felicity, we’ve been through this. Come on.’
‘No. I’m leaving.’ I took a step back. ‘What the hell am I doing, Jesse? I don’t belong here. I’ve been playing at fitting in and being part of the village but we both know I’m not. I made a stupid, stupid mistake and now I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere, on my own, with a disaster of an uninsured house, no job and, as much as I’d like them to be, my finances aren’t bottomless. It’s better for everyone if I leave now and sell it to someone who either knows what they’re doing or can at least pay people to do the huge amount of work the house needs.’
‘I already told you that’s not an issue.’
‘I’m not having you keep doing everything for free!’
‘You really don’t take help well, do you?’
‘No, I probably don’t. People can’t let you down if you don’t involve them.’
‘I’m not going to let you down, Felicity.’
I looked down at my shoes then back up into his face. ‘I liked it when you called me Fliss.’ My voice was softer now.
His mouth flickered into a smile. ‘Then Fliss it is,’ he replied, his voice low and gentle.
I shook my head and to my horror, a tear freed itself and rolled down my cheek. I swiped it away. Crying in public was not the done thing. And certainly not my done thing.
‘Do you still want that taxi, Fliss?’
‘I’m a mess.’
‘No, you’re not. You’ve just hit a rough patch. Happens to the best of us.’
‘Not to me, it doesn’t. When I fall down, I get up, straighten my tiara and carry on. The problem is, right now, I don’t even feel like I have a tiara to straighten any more. I’ve lost everything! I made an idiotic decision and ruined my life!’
Silence hung between us.
‘You done with the dramatics now?’
My head snapped up, eyes narrowed. ‘What?’
Jesse shrugged. ‘You heard.’
My mouth dropped open. ‘I can’t believe you just said that. I poured out my heart to you, which, by the way,’ I gave him a shove, ‘is something I never do! And that’s all you can say? Thanks for nothing. And yes! I do want that bloody taxi! As soon as possible, but don’t bother putting yourself to any trouble. I’ll call it myself on the way.’
‘On the way to where?’
‘On the way to wherever isn’t here!’ I shouted back and proceeded to stomp across his block-paved drive back up to the road. I had no idea where I was going but, right now, I was being fuelled by pure rage and embarrassment and that was enough.
‘Fliss. Where are you going?’
‘And don’t call me Fliss!’ I yelled back at him as I got to the electric gate at the boundary of his house. Beyond it, through the fence, the long driveway stretched out, puddles glinting like quicksilver as the moon darted in and out of clouds. ‘Could you open this, please?’ I snapped, still not turning.
‘Nope.’
‘Fine.’ I started climbing it. Honest to God, six months ago, if you’d told me I’d be in the depths of the countryside, climbing an eight-foot-high gate in a Christian Dior dress and five-inch Louboutins, I’d have suggested a session with a therapist. But here I was.
‘Fliss! What are you doing?’
‘What the bloody hell does it look like I’m doing?’
‘Get down!’ Jesse’s voice was closer now and, in my haste to get further up – inconveniently, he had not installed an easy-to-climb gate – I missed my footing and slid backwards, my hands and shoes scraping on the wood as I fell, trying to stop myself. His arms were around me long before I hit the ground. Jesse adjusted position so that I was now in his arms, one around my back and one hooked under my knees.
‘You could have broken your bloody neck! What the hell were you thinking?’
‘Put me down!’
My shoes had fallen off in the fall and he bent quickly to scoop them up with one hand as he balanced me in his arms. ‘The ground’s wet,’ he said as he handed me the shoes. One no longer had a heel at all and both had huge scrapes down the sides, the leather shorn bare during their argument with the gate.
For a moment, I stared at the shoes I’d worked so hard for. The pair I had set as my goal, and had run in to fetch despite Jesse’s warning to stay out of the farmhouse. They were just a pair of shoes. But they weren’t. They were so much more.
The fight left me. Jesse felt it and began walking towards the house. Leaning us both towards the front door, he unlocked it and, moments later, having nudged the door closed with his hip, he gently put me down, his hands resting on me lightly until he was sure I was steady.
For a moment, we were both silent.
‘Fliss, I’m really sorry.’
I nodded my acceptance, too exhausted to do anything else.
‘Sorry about the shoes.’ He pulled a face.
I shook my head. ‘They’re just shoes.’
‘They’re not though, are they? As obtuse as I’ve apparently been, even I can see that now.’
‘It’s nothing, Jesse. Honestly.’
He didn’t push and for that I was grateful. ‘You know where everything is and you’re welcome to go up if you want. I was going to make a hot chocolate. It might warm you up?’ His fingers wrapped briefly around mine. ‘You’re freezing and that’s my fault.’
My laugh was tired but genuine. ‘You’re not responsible for the weather, Jesse.’
‘No, but I’m responsible for keeping you out in it and making you angry enough to start climbing an eight-foot gate in five-inch heels!’
I looked up at him and from somewhere deep inside a bubble of exhausted, part-hysterical laughter rose up.
‘What the hell was I thinking?’
‘I’m not sure you were. From the look on your face, you were so mad with me, the most important thing was to get as far away as possible.’
‘True.’
‘Sorry. Again.’
I sighed. ‘Hot chocolate sounds great, if you don’t mind?’
‘Not at all.’
‘I think I’ll get ready for bed while you’re doing that?’
His smile was soft. ‘You look fit to drop. Go get into your jammies and I’ll see you in a minute.’
I turned and plodded, barefoot, up the pale-grey, carpeted stairs.
Ten minutes later, I’d scrubbed the make-up from my face, rubbed in some moisturiser, brushed my hair back into a plait and got into the pyjamas that Julie had kindly lent me. Soft brushed cotton in a cosy red check, they weren’t something I’d ordinarily have worn and definitely not bought. Not stylish enough, I’d have told myself. But I’d clearly been missing out. They were snuggly and warm and cute. Chic was overrated when it came to bedtime.
Wrapping the guest robe around me, I tied the waist, slid my feet into the guest-room slippers and headed downstairs.
‘Just in time,’ Jesse said as he lifted a tray with two drinks and a small plate of biscuits on it. ‘I was going to go and sit in the snug but you’re welcome to take yours upstairs if you’d prefer.’
‘No, I’ll come with you, if that’s OK?’
‘Of course it is.’ He indicated with a nod of his head. ‘After you.’
Having placed the tray down on the coffee table, Jesse stepped across the small room to the log burner and, a minute later, flames began licking around the prepped kindling and the log resting on top of it. He took a seat next to me on the chesterfield. Rich velvet in a hunter green with gold studding, it suited the room perfectly. Bookshelves lined one wall and heavy, padded silk curtains were drawn across the window. An Indian silk rug was laid over the carpet and under the coffee table, and the whole room was lit by one lamp, giving it an appropriately snug feel.
I took a sip of the salted caramel hot chocolate Jesse had prepared. Not too sweet, it was impossibly smooth and comforting. Exactly what I needed.
‘This room is gorgeous. I mean, your whole house is perfectly styled.’ I hesitated for a moment then spoke again. ‘Did you design it or did your wife? If you don’t mind me asking, of course.’
He sipped his own drink and rested it on his lap. ‘Neither. We didn’t live here when she was alive. I moved here a while after Alice died. I’d always liked the place but it was in a bit of a state so when it came up for sale I took it on. Having a project gave me something to get up for and I was struggling in the old house. Too many memories.’
‘I don’t pretend to understand but I can see how that could be. You’ve done a wonderful job and the styling is gorgeous.’
‘That’s down to the interiors specialist I used to work with. I gave her some thoughts of what I’d like and then let her get on with it. She’d done work on other projects I’d been involved with so I knew she was good.’
‘Used to work with?’
‘Yeah. Her and her husband have just moved to New Zealand, which is where he’s from originally.’
‘Oh! Yes, that would be quite the commute.’
‘Yeah.’ He laughed. ‘She gave me a couple of names but I’ve looked up some of their work and, while they’re obviously good at their jobs, neither of them have got quite the style I’m looking for.’
‘Oh.’
The room fell quiet again, the logs catching in the burner the only sound. Both of us sipped at our drinks before Jesse spoke again.
‘What was it you said you did before you came here?’
‘I’m not taking a pity job, if that’s what you’re thinking.’
Jesse tipped his head back, then looked at me. ‘You are impossible, woman. You do know that, don’t you?’
I gave him a look over the rim of my cup before I took another sip.
‘You’re an interior designer, right?’ he persisted.
‘I was a home stager.’
‘So you are a stylist.’
‘And you say I’m impossible.’
‘Did you enjoy it?’
I was too tired to argue. ‘Yes, I loved it, actually. But I well and truly burned my bridges with my employer.’ I felt the blush creep up my chest as I thought back to that day.
‘That bad, eh?’ Jesse pulled a face.
‘Let’s say I certainly don’t do things by halves.’
‘No, I got that impression pretty quickly.’
‘I cocked up on an important meeting and when they, quite rightly, took me to task about it, I announced I didn’t need their bloody job anyway as I was moving to the countryside to “lose myself in nature as that was where I truly belonged!”.’
‘That told them.’
‘As you have probably realised by now, I’ve made some very poor life decisions in recent months.’
‘Maybe. Maybe not.’
‘You were there tonight, right?’
‘OK. Fair enough, I’ll grant that attempting to scale the gate tonight probably wasn’t the best decision, but then part of that was on me and I’m pretty sure I owe you a pair of shoes.’
‘Don’t be silly.’
‘I may not be a fashionista, but I know those shoes are pricey and, even if I hadn’t, your face when you realised they were ruined told me as much.’
‘It wasn’t that.’ I finished my drink and placed the empty Emma Bridgewater mug down on the coffee table.
‘I grew up rich. Anything I wanted, I got. Money was literally no object. I was, admittedly, very spoiled.’
I glanced at him and he was watching me, listening.
‘I’m pretty sure you already guessed that.’
‘Carry on,’ he encouraged gently without answering the question.
‘When I was fifteen, everything fell apart. My mother died when I was three and my father remarried quite quickly. It’s funny how sometimes, people choose the same sort of person for their partners and sometimes they go for the opposite. My father definitely went for the opposite this time. Estelle was nineteen years his junior.’ I glanced across at Jesse. ‘Very much a trophy wife. They were out a lot of the time, either at events or shopping or travelling.’
‘Do you have any siblings?’
‘No, just me. I think there were plans but then Mother died and…’ I paused. ‘The new wife wasn’t interested in having children. Didn’t want to ruin her body, apparently. She spent enough of my father’s money on it, that was for sure. Anyway, I was at school one day and got called into the headmistress’ office. The school had been trying to get hold of my father for some time without success. Apparently, none of the fees had been paid and they were, as politely as they could, telling me unless the bill was settled imminently, I would have to leave. I don’t know what sort of school you went to, but secrets rarely stay secret in private school and by the end of the morning, the word was out and my so-called friends had already dropped me in case my apparent penury was catching.’
Jesse shifted in his seat, his body turning to face me a little more. ‘That’s harsh.’
‘Had the shoe been on another foot, I’m ashamed to say I probably would have done the same.’
‘Kids can be cruel, that’s for sure.’
I appreciated his diplomacy but, while that was true, it didn’t excuse what my behaviour might have been.
‘I skipped the rest of the day and went home. I could hear my stepmother wailing the moment I got in the door and my father pleading with her. It took them several minutes to even notice I was there. Not that that was particularly unusual.’ I shifted my gaze briefly from the fire to Jesse, pulled a face and returned my concentration to the flames. Beside me, Jesse’s hand moved, his little finger now resting against mine, the briefest of touches but it was enough. I swallowed and carried on.
‘Eventually, my father noticed me and asked me what I was doing home. I told him what the headmistress had said. Even then, I was hoping it was all a misunderstanding, a mistake by the bank. The fact that Estelle was having hysterics was neither here nor there. She always did that when she wanted her way. But I could tell by his face this time, it was different. There was no mistake.’
‘Did he say anything?’
‘He said sorry. That was it. Just one word. Although, to be fair, he didn’t get much of a chance to say a lot else as Estelle kicked off again about how I wasn’t the one that he should be apologising to, that it would barely affect me and that it was her life that was ruined, and how was she ever supposed to face any of her friends again, blah blah blah.’
‘She sounds a delight.’
‘Oh yes, a real treasure.’
‘So, the money was all gone?’
‘Yes. Despite the drama, Estelle was a large part of the reason. My father had always had a tendency to live beyond his means, despite those means being substantial, but, from what I understood from Nanny, Mother had always been the sensible one. Reined things in when they were in danger of spiralling, but with her gone, Father spent more freely and then once Estelle came on the scene, it was a constant merry-go-round of parties, the races, shopping, travel and more shopping.’
‘What did, or does, your father do?’
‘He inherited his wealth but was wise with investments, again thanks to my mother. Those made him a lot more but after Mother…’ I swallowed. ‘He took his eye off the ball, ignored advice from the right people and listened to the wrong ones. Eventually, the entire piggy bank was empty.’
‘So what happened? Where did you live?’
A log shifted suddenly in the heat of the wood burner and brought me back to the moment.
‘Gosh. Listen to me waffling on. I’m sure you don’t want to hear all this. I’d better be heading up to bed.’
Jesse’s hand moved to cover mine. ‘I do want to hear it. If you want to tell me.’
My eyes focused on his hand. Large with strong but slim fingers, the thin, silvery trace of a scar stretching from his index finger almost to his wrist. I had a sudden desire to run my finger along that scar. Instead, I tucked my hands under my thighs.
‘I never do this.’
‘Do what?’
‘Tell people about… everything.’
‘Then I’m glad I’m the one you chose to tell.’
‘I’m not great with trust.’
‘I’m beginning to see why.’
I raised my gaze and met his grey, unwavering one, but it was soft, understanding and, despite the drama of earlier, I realised that for the first time in a long time, for the first time I could remember if I was honest, I felt safe. That here with this man I barely knew, I felt more secure than I had with those I’d been the closest to. That alone probably said more about my previous relationships of all types than anything.
‘An aunt took me in until I finished school.’
‘You went back to school?’
‘A different one. A local comprehensive.’
‘How was that?’
‘Awful. My aunt was rather fierce and if I hadn’t been so scared of her, I’d have bunked off as much as I could. In hindsight, it’s probably just as well that I didn’t but at the time, I dreaded each day even to the point that I was throwing up most mornings.’ I glanced up. ‘Sorry. Too much information.’
‘Not at all. I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy the new school.’
‘I hated it. And they hated me so at least it was even. Although I teased you about reverse snobbery, it definitely exists. As far as most of the other students were concerned, I’d come in with this posh accent and therefore thought I was above them. Actually, I was terrified and completely intimidated by them and the whole situation so they couldn’t have been further from the truth. If I opened my mouth, they took the mickey out of my accent but if I kept silent, I was a snob and “too good to speak to them”.’ I wiggled my fingers to make bunny ears as I recounted those dreaded days. ‘And of course, once they found out I was there because my father couldn’t pay the private school bills, it just got worse.’
‘How did they know that?’
‘I guess word had got around about my family’s fall from grace. However they found out, that provided extra ammunition.’
‘I’m sorry you had to go through that.’
I shrugged. ‘People go through worse. You, for example.’
‘That doesn’t take anything away from what you were dealing with.’
‘No. I know, and thanks.’
‘So what happened after that?’
‘I went to sixth form at a different school two bus rides away to get as far away as I could from the school I’d been to. Got my head down. Got my A levels, took on three jobs to put myself through university and worked my arse off to get to where I was a couple of months ago. Then my fiancé dumped me for an heiress, I got absolutely blotto, made some very bad life decisions and ended up in a village deep in the countryside that I’m still not entirely sure I could give directions to!’
‘I can help you with that if needs be.’
I gave him a tired smile. ‘Thanks.’
‘As much as I’m enjoying our conversation, you really do look fit to drop. Why don’t you head up and get some rest?’
‘Yes, I think that might be for the best.’ I pushed myself up from the sofa. ‘Are you coming?’ I asked, then immediately felt a rush of blood to my face that had nothing to do with the heat of the room. ‘I didn’t mean?—’
‘I knew what you meant, don’t worry. I’m just going to sit here for a little while longer.’
‘OK. Thanks again for tonight and sorry about earlier. I promise I’m really not normally that much of a drama queen.’
He held up his hands, palms towards me. ‘It was on me.’
‘No, it wasn’t.’
He stood and rested his hands on my shoulders. ‘How about we talk about this tomorrow?’
I nodded, too tired now to even reply. ‘Goodnight,’ I managed, gave the dog a quick pat and headed upstairs.
Less than five minutes later, I was under the covers and dead to the world.