Chapter 25
DAMIEN
The names bled into one another on the paper, black smearing into the next until they were nothing but a puddle of mud staring back at me.
A Rorschach drawing at its most basic. Good versus evil.
Hope versus despair. I stared, hoping to see something, anything that would give me some insight into my current insanity.
Because that’s what it had to be. I had to have lost my mind somewhere along the way.
Maybe one too many jumps back and forth, one too many souls given up freely.
All but the most important one. Stella’s.
I sighed, pressing away from my desk and the psychology test staring back at me.
I would’ve fucked her that night, seeing her in the yellow dress.
That’s what it would’ve been reduced to.
Fucking. Like wild, debaseless animals. I’d almost slipped up, too.
Almost given her too much. Confessing to watching her from time to time was completely different than admitting I’d been playing around with fate.
That fucking yellow sweater would always be my undoing.
I shouldn’t have taken it. Unreasonable attachment and all that bullshit.
But she took my breath away every time she wore it.
It made the pink blush of her cheeks look even more alive, her dark eyes just a shade richer and the way she tucked herself away inside it?
Fuck. I’d never been jealous of an inanimate object before.
I turned, opening the large cabinet to the side of my desk, reaching past the books and false shelf until I grasped the edge of fabric. The yellow sweater slowly emerged from the back of my cabinet. I brought it to my face, breathing in deeply, inhaling the elixir that was Stella.
She was perfect. She let me kiss her. Let me tell her how perfect she was.
But I kept waiting for reality to snap into place, and for her to realize I was the wrong choice in all of this.
I thought she might last night, when she thought I truly thought of her as little more than a pawn in Clarissa’s and my game.
But once she realized everything I’d done to keep her safe, the lengths I’d gone to, the people I’d sacrificed, she’d try to run, and I wouldn’t let her.
Then she’d spend the rest of eternity fearing me and it would just be me and this sweater.
A delicate, sweet reminder of what was once within reach.
A chance at the dreams I didn’t deserve, a future not meant for me.
I tucked the sweater back into its hiding space.
Obviously, work wasn’t happening today. I petted Luna, curled up beneath my desk.
I pulled a heavy black knitted sweater over my head, intending on finding Stella.
She’d been so tired yesterday. I’d tucked her into bed with Archie and left her sleeping.
There hadn’t been time to explain what I’d been trying to convince Clarissa of.
I needed to tell her everything now, at least so she wasn’t worried.
She was probably thinking my argument was weak, but she didn’t realize how much of a stickler for rules the Council was.
I’d wanted to curl up next to her. Why hadn’t I?
She was making me weak, and what was worse was that I didn’t mind.
I passed the kitchen, Agatha poking her head out, face lightly dusted in flour. ‘If you see Stella, can you tell her I have her lunch here? She didn’t come in at noon like normal.’
I frowned. I didn’t like the idea of Stella skipping meals. I could only take care of her if she’d let me. ‘Did she get caught up in something?’
Agatha shrugged. ‘Not sure. She didn’t say she was going to do anything specific, but she seemed pretty upset at breakfast now that I think of it.’ She narrowed her eyes at me. ‘What did you do?’
‘Nothing. Fuck! You’d think a man could get a little respect in his own home.’
Agatha glared harder.
‘I didn’t do anything except tell her the truth,’ I huffed. ‘Isn’t that what you wanted me to do?’
‘Just go check on her.’
I turned on my heel, headed for the garden.
It was a brief respite in the daily rain we’d seemed to be having lately, but a storm was brewing.
Hopefully, she’d just gotten caught up with things, but she’d gotten into shit before.
The Nihil for one. If they knew what was good for them, they would’ve learned their lesson.
The Void. The woods… or worse yet, what if she didn’t believe what I’d said last night, and left?
It was hard to escape the Fringe, near impossible if you didn’t know how, and you might end up spliced or worse.
My heart caught up as I slammed the front door open, the heavy wood taking a chunk out of the crumbling brick as they collided.
If she tried to leave and got herself hurt, I’d never forgive myself. I dragged my hands through my hair, storming down the stairs. ‘Stella?’ I called, my nerves lighting every one of my cells on fire. ‘Stella!’
No answer. Nothing. She’d run. Away from this, away from me.
I couldn’t even blame her, but I couldn’t stop myself from worrying she was hurt.
I raced around the back of the house, away from the garden.
Everything here looked so much more alive since Stella had started working in the gardens.
Sunflowers took root along the house. The smell of marigolds blew with the wind.
The ivy was brought under control, the weeds carefully stamped into submission.
Would it all go back to the way it was before if she left?
I’d find her again. I always would. But she wouldn’t come willingly with me next time, and that hurt.
‘Stella!’ My voice was more of a rasp at this point, stretched thin.
‘Damien?’ A dark head of messy hair popped up from behind a bush. Stella.
‘Stella,’ I breathed, closing the distance between us. ‘Were you trying to leave the Fringe?’
She cocked her head at me, frowning. I took her silence as confirmation of my worst fears.
I grabbed her hands, trying to take a better look at the dirt under her fingernails. ‘Is this soil? Were you trying to fucking dig your way out of the Fringe?’
‘Wouldn’t it be easier if I was?’
My heart cracked, knowing she wanted to leave. I didn’t think she’d ever go without saying goodbye, though.
I pushed away from her. ‘I’m sorry. Truly. For all of it.’
She was quiet, and when she spoke, her voice was soft and gentle. ‘I was moving a rose bush.’
I turned, staring at her with open curiosity. ‘What?’
‘The rose bushes. I know you told me not to move them, but this one was so big and the space outside my window was bare and—’
‘You weren’t leaving?’ I asked in a harsh whisper.
‘Did you want me to?’
‘I never want you to leave.’ The truth fell out of my mouth before I could disguise it as anything else.
‘I…’ Stella looked away from me before staring right at me again. ‘I don’t want to leave either. I don’t care what the repercussions of that are. That’s my choice. I’m done letting everyone else decide for me.’
Her words ignited something in me, something that had been simmering for far too long.
‘Bambi, I—’
She held up a hand. ‘I’m staying. Despite what you feel.’
I shook my head. ‘You’re misreading the situation. I’ve wanted nothing more for a very long time.’
‘You have an odd way of showing it.’
I clenched my hands into fists. How could I feel so strongly for someone who made me want to rip my hair out? ‘I’m trying to save you!’
Her eyes flashed. ‘I don’t want to be saved.’
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and then opened them to level her with a glance. ‘I’m trying to save you from me, Bambi.’
She chewed her lip. Fuck, I wanted to be the one chewing on it. ‘I don’t want you to save me from that either, Damien.’
Oh, Stella. My heart widened, making space for her, her confessions, her truths. I’d accepted I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off her, but this was different. This felt like more. Maybe one day, there’d be nothing left in it except memories of her.
Stella took a step closer. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t know if I have since I got here, even before I wanted to.’
‘Don’t,’ I whispered, voice unsteady. Didn’t she know how fragile this thing between us was?
‘I want you, Damien.’ In the dark, in the glow of both the sun and moon, her eyes shone brightly.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her, the words unspoken between us. This wasn’t just physical. This was that invisible thread, the one I’d seen so many years ago. ‘Are you sure?’
She nodded.
‘I need you to be sure before you take another step. So sure. Because one more step, and I’m yours. Forever. For eternity. Maybe even longer than that.’ I laughed quietly at my own joke, unsettled in the deep emotion surrounding us.
It didn’t matter. Because the words hadn’t even left my mouth before Stella was closing the distance, wrapping her arms around me, kissing me like we had the other night. The night I’d convinced myself was just a dream.
Stella was too real in my hands, too solid. Was there a word for getting everything you ever wanted? Satisfaction. Contentment. Nothing seemed strong enough for the feeling of Stella’s sweet lips against mine.
Bliss. Euphoria. Not dark enough for the twisted feelings that were seeping through me as I swiped my tongue against the seam of her lips, enjoying the moan she offered me in return.
‘Oh, Stella,’ I whispered against her. She ground her hips against me, and I picked her up under her thighs, lifting her to me.
Fulfillment. Gratification. None of it fit. Maybe I’d have to create my own word. One that fit the bittersweet taste of having it all, and knowing I didn’t deserve any of it.
‘Damien, please,’ she moaned. I carried her back, pushing her against the rose trellises she loved so damn much, not caring how many of the full blooms fell to the ground as I kissed my way down her neck, her arching to give me more access to her pretty skin.
Their sweet smell surrounded us, heavy with the impending rain.
Her skin, softer than the roses I laid her against, was intoxicating. I pressed an open mouth kiss to her jaw, breathing in deeply. If I could live in this moment for the rest of my life, I would. I’d pause time, throw away the very foundation of my existence, if it meant I got to keep this.
Stella squirmed and writhed against me, rolling her hips with small cries.
‘What do you need?’ I whispered, sneaking my hand up the loose shirt she wore. ‘Tell me what you need, Bambi.’ I’ll give you the world.
She blinked up at me sleepily, as if rising from a dream. ‘You. Only you.’
My hand found her breast, one of her perfect nipples pebbled in my fingers, and I tweaked it. Her head arched back, landing against the trellis with a quiet moan. Holding her up with my thighs, I pushed her shirt up higher, until I could take the small bud in my mouth, sucking deeply.
If I had thought her skin was intoxicating, having my lips on her nipple was something else.
‘Oh, Damien,’ she cried, twisting her hands in my hair.
Harder, I wanted to say. Pull my hair harder. Control me. Make me yours. But my mouth was occupied, my tongue busy dancing circles on Stella’s breast, exploring what made her writhe against me, and what made her sigh. It wasn’t enough for me, though. I needed more.
Gently, I brought her back to standing on her own feet, pushing the pants she wore down and away.
They were stopping me from seeing every inch of her skin, and I never wanted to see them again.
Stella stood in front of me now in just her loose shirt and her underwear, a pretty blush spreading across her face.
A smile twisted across my lips. When would smiling feel natural again? ‘You are… more than I ever could’ve dreamed of in a thousand years.’
My reward was a soft smile in return. Stella grabbed for my hand, pulling it back to her body. ‘Please. Touch me. I can’t wait any longer.’
I scooped one arm behind her, giving her some support, and toyed with the top of her underwear. Oddly, I felt nervous. My fingers trailed across her skin, delicate and smooth.
‘Please,’ she whispered, rolling her hips up.
I’d made a lot of mistakes in my life. But if they all led to this moment, I’d never regret a single one of them.