Chapter Thirty-Two
THE SPY
Icouldn’t differentiate the hum of my magic with the rush of panicked blood in my ears. Had the Nokt caused an injury I didn’t know about? Had he underestimated the amount of poison in his blood? Surely he wasn’t dying now. I didn’t allow myself time to dwell on it.
I untied my cloak, folding it into a makeshift pillow for his head.
I pushed his own cloak aside, yanking up his shirt, searching his body for any lacerations.
I discovered one across his right arm, char skimming the corners of the wound.
My eyes grazed his torso, pausing momentarily.
I refused to acknowledge the muscles that glistened in the ambient light, how hard they still were despite his sagging state.
There were no wounds on his chest that I could find.
I exhaled a modicum of relief, though Dom’s current condition didn’t lend itself to comforting reassurance.
There was nothing I could do to help him.
I had no supplies, no healing training. Noting the amount of filth we both were in, I melted a portion of the wall, soaking a rag from my satchel in glacial water to rinse off his body and cleanse his armor.
Focusing on a task allowed my fear to drop to the icy floor amidst our blood and grime.
I absorbed the fullness of him, raking my eyes over every angle of his face.
His full lips parted, spilling forth soft, uneven breaths.
I tentatively brushed his cheek, and his lip twitched as though meaning to smile.
I jerked my hand away. He continued to lay unmoving, but his breaths remained consistent.
I covered him with his own cloak and assessed our temporary hideaway.
Perhaps we could rest for a day or two here in relative safety, away from any predators or Nokts.
We might have enough food if we rationed it.
I used the same rag to clean my own dried blood off my leg and my leathers.
The char had not gone deep into either of our wounds and I easily rinsed it away.
Checking Dom once more, I dabbed at the small cuts along his arms where the Nokt’s poison had burned.
His eyes remained closed as his hand gripped my wrist, stalling my work.
He opened his eyes taking a minute to regain his bearings.
Adoration warmed his gaze as he regarded me.
“I’m still alive, huh?” he asked hoarsely.
“You passed out, but it hasn’t been long. I think your body took its opportunity to get the rest you’ve been denying it.” The puddle of water I formed absorbed back into the wall of ice, having completed our ministrations. I set the rag down.
“This cave seems like a good place to lay low for a while. Might take more than a few minutes to regain our strength, though.” His voice came out strained, rough.
Dom studied me, his penetrating stare as thick as his shadows. The air between us grew charged.
I busied myself with folding the rag. He assessed his body. His veins webbed darkly against his ashen skin. “Where’s all the blood?”
“I washed it off.” I shrugged one shoulder. “There hadn’t been much to clean.”
He scoffed. “I decapitated a Nokt and held you while your leg bled out. I think that’s an understatement.”
“Not much more of a mess than you normally look.” His responding dark chuckle echoed in our confined space, the strength of his voice easing some of my concern over his physical state.
I couldn’t suppress my weak attempts at humor.
It allowed me to maintain some semblance of emotional distance.
I blamed the cold for my shivering. Yet, even I could not deceive myself enough to avoid the truth of it.
The fear of fully embracing hope and emotions I had spent years separated from chafed against me.
My awakened feelings at the revelation of his blood poisoning scared me most of all.
There was little to do while we rested, reclining in comfortable silence as the sun descended.
The realization of the dropping temperature slammed into us both, entombed as we were within a cave of ice.
Dom carefully stretched his aching body, our eyes locking.
I broke his stare, suddenly aware of all my limbs.
“It will get cold and we don’t have many supplies.” He peered upward toward the cave’s ceiling with its waning light. His lips twitched and his dimple briefly appeared. “I have an idea for heat if you’re willing.”
Heat filled my face. Oh, my traitorous body was definitely willing.
“Body warmth is the best we can do since we don’t have enough blankets,” he continued clinically.
I nodded.
He took my nonverbal assent and sat forward, removing his cloak and tunic.
His abs glistened in the glow of the glacial cavern, highlighting every ripple of hard muscle, every cut and bruise from our tussle with the Nokt.
His loose-fitting pants hung low enough to showcase the V-shaped muscles at his waist.
This is for self-preservation only. Turning away, I removed the cloth tourniquet on my thigh, carefully extending my injured leg.
I peeled off my filthy clothes. My tunic and leathers fell into a heap on the floor.
My lavender silk chemise, which served as my undergarments, barely reached mid-thigh.
It clung unrelentingly to all of my curves.
I didn’t trust myself to get completely naked, and the silk left little of my body to the imagination.
I retied the cloth over my wound, hoping it wouldn’t become infected before we made it to Vorkut. Dom froze when I straightened. His eyes slowly, painstakingly, devoured my form before collecting himself.
“So we don’t freeze to death,” I forced out.
“For the greater good,” he imperiously responded.
He lay back, beckoning me to do the same.
A part of me wanted to resist, should have in fact.
But another part awakened at the image of this beautiful man before me.
He had only ever offered me choice and protection.
Even now, he didn’t force me one way or another.
His broad shoulders took up most of the space, and I knew I was the missing puzzle piece that would fit perfectly against his chest. A mixture of grief and desire braided through my chest.
I knelt down, easing my back against his welcoming body. Our breaths synced as his warm hand roved to my waist, slowly circling around my body, gently pulling me flush against him.
“Is this okay?” he whispered.
“Dom…” My voice cracked. His body stilled at my hesitant tone.
“What about Xuri?” I resisted arching into him further.
My soul craved his touch. A deep wanting breached the surface of my carefully constructed shields.
But I couldn’t play pretend any longer. The haunting jealousy of what I’d witnessed between them plagued me.
I had to know. I was grateful I faced away from him, conserving what little dignity I had left.
His thumb resumed tracing circles at my waist. His warm voice ruffled my hair.
“Xuri is like a sister to me. Nothing more.” He wrapped me further into his arms, his magic spilling over us.
“And you are nothing like a sister. You are so much more. You are the thoughts that keep me awake at night, the power that calls to my own. You are the water that quenches my soul. You are who the Great One foretold. Who I knew in part and drew from visions, but now I see in full. And you are everything beautiful.”
His breath disarmed any remaining resistance, soft and warm against my neck. The urge to have his powerful hands on my body, around my throat, consumed my mind.
Relief suffused me. I could have wept.
“Li—Rue?”
Why did his voice have to be so delicious? “Yes?”
“How did you become Ruin?”
Tensing, I turned around to face him, his hold on my waist loosening.
“What happened that night?”
I stared up at a small patch of ice. My nerves attuned to the heat of Dom’s body, so close to my own. What would it be like to surrender this part of my past to another? My breath quickened into shallow sips of air. Some secrets held their own form of death magic, infecting from deep within.
I swallowed hard. “Only Nolan knows what truly happened. I’ve never told anyone.” The words floated between us, as fragile as the frost on my fingers. The weight in my chest hardened. I opened my mouth. Closed it. It was not the cold that had me shaking.
“You don’t have to tell me,” he soothed, smoothing my hair behind my ear.
Gods, his tenderness held the power to loosen bonds I’d long kept wound around me. Now, as when we were kids, he held a space of safety that I wanted to burrow in.
In the comfort of our glacial nest, my deep protections relented.
Perhaps moments of weakness weren’t contemptible.
I sensed a different type of strength borne of the ashes of this released pain.
A strength that wasn’t a white-knuckled armor, but rather a softer more resilient version.
The energy of harboring this secret had drained me for so long. I decided to trust him with it.
“It was my fault my parents died.” The confession fell like a stone in still water.
My words hung heavy and oppressive. It was too late to pull them back.
Silence stretched on for what felt like hours, and shame consumed deeper than the veil upon the land.
I began to retreat. I’d rather risk a Nokt than sit in his disappointment, his rejection.
Dom gripped my arm, pulled me closer, and gently tilted my chin in his direction, forcing me to meet his stare. “How could that even be true?”