Chapter 43 – CJ #2
“Fuck, where’s Axel when you need him.”
“Don’t fucking start. Axel would eat that shit up.”
“Jealousy isn’t a good fucking look for you, dickhead. And you wear pettiness completely wrong, so either get better at it or stop trying.”
“Fuck off.”
Ryan snickered. “You’ve been harping about not being responsible for what families we’re born into.
That’s still the case, so don’t apologize.
In this case, the issue really is mine and not yours, especially since I was also thinking about dropping out so you couldn’t win again. I would’ve just stepped aside.”
“Because you were up in your feelings?”
“Yeah, but I can’t say I’m glad this situation didn’t happen. It made me open my eyes.”
“Again,” CJ said dryly. “Try to keep those motherfuckers open and we won’t revert back to the way we were.”
“If you promise you’ll treat me as your cousin and not a motherfucker you have to sacrifice yourself for. See the Skye situation? I was actually proud of you.”
“You shouldn’t have been. Her hands were all over me and then her mouth. Even before she chomped on me, I’d changed my mind. I want…sex should be…”
“Flowery and meaningful. Sunshine and rainbows. Barf, but if that’s how you roll, I’m happy for you. What you’re actually saying is you want your first time to be with Harley.”
He did, but how the fuck did Ryan get that out of what CJ said? He refused to answer.
“I like Harley so fucking much, CJ, but she’s always been yours as much as you’ve been hers. You’re saving yourself for her—”
“She hurt me so deeply.”
“I know.”
“I don’t know if I can stand another betrayal from her.”
“Harley’s changed a lot but so have you. Take time to get to know the new her. Let her see the new you. Don’t rush shit, cuck. Goddamn. Do I have to hold your fucking hand and show you what the fuck to do? What the fuck is going through your thick fucking Caldwell head?”
“Stop with the Caldwell this and the Caldwell that. It’s bad enough you’re stuck on Caldwell boys.”
“Are you not fucking listening to me?” Ryan gritted. “Fuck, at this point, I’m talking to the fucking darkness because you have fucking air in your head.”
“In your fucking dreams.”
“Bro, own the fact that you’re a Caldwell.
Own that you’re Outlaw’s son. Own the fact that Diesel’s your brother.
The sadist loves you and will stand by you.
He can be your fucking sounding board. Own the fact that Axel’s a mini-Diesel with a respect for girls.
You aren’t Axel. You aren’t Diesel. You aren’t Uncle Christopher.
You aren’t me. I never thought I’d have to say that to you and, fuck, if I’m not gloating. None of us are asking you to be us.”
“I don’t know me anymore. I did once.”
“Look, cousin, a lot has happened and that has to fuck with you. I’m not pretending to know how that feels.
But you’re so fucking angry and resentful.
Punch the fuck out of Narci. He was there during your overdose.
Hug your Mom and her instincts. She saved Rebel.
Thank Diesel for getting here on time and rescuing Rebel and Jana.
Most of all be happy you survived and have a chance to torment the fuck out of me.
Our competition is no fun with you so fucking mopey.
Frankly, it’s making me feel sorry for you and that will give me fucking nightmares. ”
CJ laughed. “Maybe I should’ve said I don’t know how to be me anymore. Harley was my best friend. Some days I want to push her away and keep my guard up. Other days, I want to pull her close and tell her everything.”
“Talk to her,” Ryan grunted. “See how she responds. If you can have an honest conversation with her about serious shit, you might be on the right track.”
“Do you and her have an emotional connection?”
“Maybe we did, but she no longer trusts me.”
With good fucking reason. “Otherwise, you’d fight for her like you did with Molly.”
“Molly was my girlfriend. You encroached on my territory.”
“She was my friend, dickhead.”
“Yeah, keep lying to yourself, CJ. You liked Molly as more than a friend, but she was loyal.”
“She was, but she also cared about you. She didn’t want me. She wanted you.”
“If you thought she wanted you, would you have fought for her?”
They had shared a kiss and Molly had been more than willing to make love. CJ turned her down. “She was your girlfriend, Ryan.”
“And you’re too upstanding to move in on another guy,” Ryan scoffed.
“Fuck off with that.”
“No. You won’t ever be who you want to be if you don’t face some hard fucking truths.
The first one is Harley. If you don’t stop being afraid of every fucking goddamn thing, you won’t only lose the opportunity to see if she’s still your best friend and the girl of your dreams, but you will also lose the respect of the brothers and never become an effective president.
You might ascend to the position, but you’ll be weak and ruin the fucking club. ”
“You think I’m a fucking wimp? Thanks, fuck face.”
“I think you’re a fucking crybaby.”
CJ stiffened.
“You know if Willard was around now and I aligned with him, you never would’ve stood up to us.
That scene in Lumbly’s class never would’ve happened.
I fucking hated you, CJ. Your arrogance.
Your charm. Your confidence. Your fairness.
I pretended, even to myself, that I didn’t respect you, but I did.
You were a worthy opponent. You don’t know who you are?
I do, goddamnit. You’re CJ, a Caldwell boy.
A guy who allowed me in with our cousins and his brothers because he knew he’d keep me in line and he knew that’s what I wanted more than anything. ”
Having no response, CJ remained silent. What could he say? Ryan’s vehemence shocked him.
“All of this bullshit is so unnecessary. Skye told Grant you didn’t go inside, so she blew you in the car. Sex means more to you that that. That’s why you’re still a fucking virgin, cuck. Let me give you another fucking tip. Skye wants to baby trap one of us.”
“What?”
“Did she ask you about where you’d go? Did she tell you she was looking for a way out and was tired of being poor? Or did she text it to you like she did me?”
“She said it,” CJ blurted, shell-shocked by Ryan’s revelation, though it made perfect sense.
“I think she really likes you, but if you ever fuck her, wear two condoms and buy her the fucking morning after pill then watch her take it.”
CJ blinked. “I don’t carry condoms.”
“Jesus, cuck. What’s Outlaw and Diesel teaching you? You’re acting brand fucking new. Stick to girls like Harley and Jaleena. They don’t need your seed to give them a life of ease.”
“Fuck, I wasn’t even thinking—”
“You didn’t have sex with her, so don’t worry about it.”
He’d definitely dodged a bomb, all because his brain had been filled with thoughts of kissing. “Why are you being so logical and nice?”
“Rebel, Mattie, and Harley gave me grace, CJ. After what I did. I’m not perfect. I still have bumps in the road, but we are family and you needed me.”
“I did,” CJ said without hesitation, though he hadn’t realized it.
“If you don’t get home, Uncle Christopher is going to have to tell Aunt Meggie you’re missing.”
“Fuck, we should’ve called them.”
“Goddamn, my phone died,” Ryan said a moment later.
“C’mon, let’s go. You can charge—”
“I’m an Android man, apple. The ports are slightly different.”
Fucking lovely.