Chapter 21
Odette
Driving home after my last date with Benji, I couldn’t help the guilt that seemed to be lingering around me lately. I felt like I should have ended things with Benji sooner, although he really didn’t seem too broken up about it.
I fought with myself mentally on the drive home. I couldn’t help but ask myself, was I being stupid? Murph had been my only other relationship besides Benji. Sure, I’d been physical with a few others, but that was it . I’d spent the last few years learning about myself instead.
I liked getting lost in recipes and learning to cook; I loved yoga and my book club, which I never would have even considered trying before.
I took a boxing class, and quickly figured out that was not for me, as well as a few arts classes that I knew weren’t for me.
When the teacher came over with a pinched look on her face and couldn’t even fake her way through a compliment, I knew it was better for everyone if I cut my losses.
I tried it all: mountain biking, hiking, swimming classes, jewelry making. You name it, I tried it.
I’d never had the time, or honestly, the money before when I was growing up, bouncing from foster family to foster family, to do those things, and I spent my first years of adulthood pregnant and then learning how to be a good mom for Lux. You’d think that would just come easy? Think again.
So why, when I had found all these new joys and hobbies, was I still feeling like I was missing something?
I still felt like my smile was forced more often than not.
It bothered me, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was missing, but the more time I had inside my head, it was glaringly obvious what I was missing.
Murphy.
Arriving home at the cottage, I couldn’t help the melancholy that was washing over me.
I think I’d always known I felt like a piece of me was missing, and I'd been trying to fill it for the last few years.
There must have been a particular look on my face because, not even ten seconds after I shut the front door, was Wynn crowding me.
“Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen better days.” She backed up so she could take me all in, rubbing my arm soothingly.
“Oh, yeah, it went…really well, actually. He… Well, Benji didn’t seem to mind much at all.” I shrugged.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Odette.”
I looked at her, confused. She looked way more concerned about me than I thought was necessary, and I realized she thought I was upset over ending things with Benji.
“Wynn, I’m not upset over Benji. If anything, it should have happened a while ago.” “Oh. Well, why do you look like someone pissed in your Cheerios, then?”
“Where’s Lux? This isn’t a conversation for little ears.”
“She fell asleep on the sofa after dinner. I decided to let her sleep since she’s still getting over being sick. I tucked her in about thirty minutes ago, and not a peep since.”
I looked over at the clock and realized it was already eight-forty-five, so I shouldn’t have been surprised she was already sleeping.
“She’s always good for you,” I said wistfully.
“Hah! Sure, sis, whatever you say. You raised a child who is part angel and part demon.” Wynn laughed. “Although, I chalk the demon part up to Murphy,” she said with a half-smile, but it still made my heart clench and I felt my face morph into a slight frown.
“There it is. I knew it; you’re off because of Murphy.”
I shrugged at her, something I seemed to be doing a lot lately.
“Am I stupid, Wynn? Because some part of me feels stupid. I feel like being around him makes me feel all these big feelings, you know? Feelings I haven’t had for a long time, but how can that be?
I don’t really know who Murphy is anymore, and the man I last knew wasn’t a man I wanted to know, if that makes sense?
” I sputtered, but I had to keep going so I could get it all out.
“He cheated on me, Wynn...for months. Were there others? Would he have kept cheating on me? How many times? Did he bring her into our home ? I wasn’t strong enough before to listen and accept the answers, but I am now, and… and I want them.”
She walked up and brought me in for a hug I didn’t realize I desperately needed until now.
“What do you need from me? Do you want me to be silent while you work through it all out loud, or do you want advice?”
One of my favorite things about Wynn was she knew exactly what to say; she was always so good at asking me what I needed.
“I want to know what you think, Wynn, please.”
She backed away, but still kept me in arms reach, biting her lip while looking me over. I could tell she was assessing whether to be completely honest with me or not.
“Spit it out, Wynn. I’m a mess up here and I want to know what you’re thinking.” I made the crazy gesture with my hand, which caused her to chuckle, but a serious look took over her face and she led me to the table to sit.
“When everything first happened with Murphy, I was shocked at first, but then not, you know? He’d been changing for a while, ever since he got that job.
It felt like you both were on opposite sides of life, like a recipe that called for both oil and water.
He wanted more, more, more, more, and you just wanted your family.
And while I think his intentions were in the right place to begin with, he lost sight of what was important. ”
She kept looking at me, seeing how I was taking what she was saying, but my silence was meant to urge her to continue.
“After seeing what you went through, it felt like I was witnessing you losing half of your soul, and I wanted to murder him while you tried to pick up the pieces of yourself. For months, all I could see when I saw him was how much I hated him…”
“But?” I inquired
“But I also saw his devastation, his self-loathing. More recently, I’ve noticed his changes over the last few years since I do a lot of the drop offs. I never brought it up to you because he’s always been such a taboo topic for you…but can I tell you something and have you promise not to hate me?”
“I could never hate you, Wynn; you’re the best person I know.”
“You remember Kolby? The guy I dated in college for a while?”
“Of course, I remember him. You dated him for two years, and he was obsessed with you.” I chuckled. “What about him?”
Her gaze was fixed on the floor, which was so unlike Wynn. I reached out and grabbed her hand. “Wynn, seriously, you can tell me anything.”
“I cheated on him.” She kept her gaze on the floor, refusing to look up.
I was shocked; I couldn’t help my mouth from falling open, and I was totally at a loss for words.
“Tell me you don’t hate me.”
How could I hate her? I loved her. I knew how fiercely she protected me, Lux, and anyone she loved.
I knew how hard she worked to provide for us, to provide for herself.
She was totally capable of kicking anyone’s ass and had some serious sass, but Wynn was one of the best people I knew—she always had been, even as a teenager.
“Wynn, I could never hate you. Why didn’t you tell me?” I was still holding her hand, and I squeezed, hoping she could feel my support.
“Honestly? I was embarrassed and ashamed I had cheated. I really didn’t have a good reason why; Kolby was great, he treated me amazingly, he was always kind.
” She looked at me with tears in her eyes.
“I was at a party one night and he was at home. I got a little tipsy, and I found this attractive guy who was visiting his friend from another school. One thing led to another, and well…that was that. We slept together.”
“Wynn…”
“Look, I’m not going to try to make excuses for myself because I did a really shitty thing.
I could have walked away from him at any time, yet I chose not to.
I’m not trying to compare my situation to yours, because it’s like apples and whales, completely different.
I did a terrible thing, and you want to know the worst part? ”
I waited for her to continue because I knew she wasn’t expecting me to respond.
“I didn’t even tell him; he found out from a friend of a friend. When I saw the devastation on his face, it finally hit me what I did, what I caused someone else to feel. And for what? Nothing . I’ll always regret what I did, and because of the fall out of my actions, I’d never do it again.”
Wynn had tears streaming down her face. I could tell her past choices really ate at her. Come to think of it, Wynn had never been in a serious relationship—no scratch that, a relationship at all since Kolby.
“Wynn… Is that why you don’t date?” I whispered.
She scoffed at me, “Of course, I don’t deserve to be happy after the pain I caused someone else.”
“That’s… No, babe, no.” I reached for her, but she squirmed away from me, and she turned back to face me after she had regained her composure.
“That’s enough about me. The point I’m trying to make is that I made a mistake, and I learned from it. What do you think about me now that you know?”
I wasn’t expecting her to ask me that; I was still digesting everything I’d just learned but…I could see, even years later, how much her actions had hurt her. I could see the pain and regret etched on her face, and it felt like her pain was seeping from her and bleeding into the kitchen around us.
“Wynn…I don’t think of you any differently. My heart is breaking for you that you kept this buried, that you think you don’t deserve love. You made a mistake. You’re only human.”
“And so is Murphy.”
She rested her forehead against mine. “People make mistakes, but people can change. There’s beauty in the breakdown and pain in forgiveness.”
She lingered, clearly seeking some comfort before she pulled away. “That’s heavy enough for tonight, sis. I’m going to head to bed.”
Her words kept playing in my mind,
There’s beauty in the breakdown and pain in forgiveness.
Grabbing my phone before I could change my mind, I scrolled through my text thread and pulled up Murphy’s contact.
Me: About that dinner…