Chapter 22
Murphy
I made it home after my panic attack in one piece, albeit a little shaky.
Feeling better knowing I would be meeting with Dr. Rold tomorrow, I put the Pad Thai in the fridge instead of chucking it straight into the trash once I got home.
Needing to work off my anxiety, and hoping I could get lost for a while, I went into my workshop.
My phone buzzing pulled me away from the customized bar piece I’d been working on for the last two months. It was a beast of a project, but I was making great time on it. The only thing I focused on was Lux, work, and being available should Odette ever need anything.
I hadn’t been intimate with anyone since the night Odette caught me—bile still rose in my throat every time I thought about it.
After I had firmly pulled my head out of my own ass, quit my job, and started going to therapy, everything I’d done and who I became hit me like a tsunami.
Wave after wave of mistakes, regret, and pain destroyed me until I was left an empty shell of who I used to be.
But I deserved it. I rebuilt myself into the man I wanted to be from the wreckage.
I thought about who I wanted my daughter to look up to, the type of man I wanted Lux to end up with. The type of man I should have been for Odette.
There’s something poetic about being your own downfall, but it almost makes it worse when you have no one else to blame but yourself.
My phone buzzing shook me from my self-internalization.
Odette: About that dinner…
A glance at the time on my phone alerted me to the fact that it was only nine-thirty. Wasn’t she on a date?
Not that it was any of my business; I had made my peace knowing I would be alone for the rest of my life. I had no desire to be with anyone ever again if it wasn’t Odette. Of course, the self-deprecating thoughts always filled my brain.
Imagine if you realized this before.
Imagine if you hadn’t been such a colossal asshole.
Imagine if you never lost the love of your life.
I shook my head, too little too late. She deserved better than me, and I was content with whatever she offered me. Knowing she was happy, knowing she was taken care of and okay, was all I wanted and would need.
In this life, and the next.
My phone buzzed alerting me to the un-replied message.
Me: Now?
The three dots that popped up showing she was typing were only what I could imagine the first hit of nicotine for someone who was addicted to smoking, only I was addicted to Odette.
Odette: Nice try, Murph. Tomorrow?
Me: I have an appointment at four, I'll be home by six-thirty. I’ll get my mom to watch Lux, or Leon could watch her.
Odette: Preferably your mother can supervise Leon and Lux, considering last time he was left unattended he told her she should punch that boy in her class.
I couldn’t help but laugh. I could hear her smirk and teasing. I went to bed daydreaming about them and woke up in a sea full of never-ending numbness to dull the pain when I realized that was all they were, memories.
Me: Noted, Susan to babysit Leon and Lux. No problem.
Odette: See you at your place after work?
Me: See you then.
I quickly called my mom, not really caring how late it was—I needed to run this by her. Although, I had a sneaky feeling she would change whatever plans she had to make this happen.
She answered on the second ring. “Hello, dear, bit late for a chat, no?”
It took almost an entire year before my mother could even look at me without tears in her eyes after what had happened, and then almost six months for her to speak to me.
“Can you watch Lux tomorrow? Odette is coming over for dinner.”
Silence. Utter silence greeted me.
“Uh, Mom?”
“I’m sorry... Could you repeat that?”
“Can you watch Lux tomorrow? Odette is coming over for dinner.”
“You shut your mouth right now, Murphy,” she whisper-yelled at me.
“Mom!”
“Please tell me you didn’t blackmail her into having dinner with you. Please.”
I chuckled. “I solemnly swear I did not blackmail her into having dinner with me. We…we are just going to have a long, overdue talk.”
I heard a clattering of dishes and a barely concealed squeal. “This is fabulous, Murphy, absolutely fabulous. You just bring Lux to me, don’t worry about anything. If she falls asleep here…”
“Mom, calm down. It’s just a conversation.”
Even though my mother was equally devastated and disappointed in me after what I’d done, she also saw the fallout I went through.
She saw the weight loss, the disinterest in anything other than Lux.
She still saw the self-hatred I felt whenever I looked in the mirror, and she wiped away her grown son’s tears whenever I couldn’t control my emotions during the holidays or when I missed out on important life events.
She and Dad gave me the loan to leave my job and start my own woodworking business. She’s seen it all.
“Yes, but a conversation is a great start.”
“What the hell is all this yelling, darlin’?” I heard my dad in the background. I heard my mom shush him and explain, rather loudly, that I was meeting Odette for dinner tomorrow, so they were watching Lux.
“You tell him that’s great to hear, but if he hurts her again, I don’t care whose son he is, I’ll break his fucking kneecaps.” I heard the steps he took and his kiss on Mom’s cheek.
“I’ll do no such thing!” She did her best to cover the receiver, but I had already heard.
“No need, Mom, I heard it all.”
“What my darling husband, and your father, meant to say is that we support you and Odette.”
“I’m Team Odette.” Dad’s voice filtered through, and I honestly didn’t blame him one bit. Just knowing that my family had her back made me happy that she had someone in her corner.
“Noted. I’m hanging up now before Dad tells me where he plans on burying my body. See you guys tomorrow.”
Ending the call, I looked over at my current project and decided that was enough for the night. I'd turn in early and do my best not to let my excitement about tomorrow keep me up all night.