Chapter 14 Hestia
HESTIA
As life sped up over the next couple of weeks, I was both grateful and . . . lost.
Cole was busy off the ranch, his brother’s wedding rapidly approaching. Jesse picked up his slack, taking over more work than ever. In turn, I offered to step in, taking his morning round feeding and prepping the horses as well as sorting and cleaning tack for the day.
I could see how touched he was by my offer. Initially he tried to resist, knowing how I loathed mornings, but ultimately he was too tired to refuse.
So, my head won over my heart. I made myself as busy as everyone else, giving myself the extra distance from him – from all of them – that I needed.
Because I couldn’t begin to process how I now knew I felt – the words that’d scared me so fucking shitless when I’d said them aloud that I’d struggled to sleep since.
Only the fact that he hadn’t heard me, crashed out and blissfully unaware, was keeping everything together.
It was contained, and all I needed to do was stamp it the fuck back down and bury it.
Jesse deserved the fucking world.
Not an emotional wasteland like me.
Avoiding Lottie was harder. She knew things were off, but she gave me space. After her experience with Cole, trying to get to know him and fall in love in the midst of a busy working ranch, she was trying to give me the time I knew she hadn’t had.
I missed her.
I even missed the old Cal; those moments when we had worked as friends . . . That had evaporated like the mists that hung over the pitch lake water. He’d messaged a couple of times, apologetic for our last angry phone call, trying to work his way back in.
My new routine became a silent meditation after the first week: measuring out feed for the horses, taking the buckets around, starting to brush down one after another. My soundtrack was the soft sound of crunching as they ate, their warm breath on my hand as I greeted them.
‘Hey, baby demon,’ I cooed, entering Luci’s stall and delivering her breakfast. I took small satisfaction at the way she now approached me, her head low as I scratched her favourite spot.
‘I’m going to have to rename you at this point,’ I added as she instantly rested her head on my arm.
‘You better be a bitch to someone today, okay? You’ve a rep to keep. ’
Checking her wounds, relieved as the healing continued, I kissed her on the nose as I backed out. She followed me to the door, ignoring her food and putting her head over as I locked it behind me.
‘See you later on,’ I murmured, reminding myself that for her, too, I wouldn’t always be able to keep that promise.
In danger of choking up, I glanced down towards Lottie’s cabin, where Jesse and Cole were now setting up for the morning.
There were only a few last touches to the deck needed before the kitchen got delivered, which would be soon.
Taking a breath, I headed back up to the ranch house, determined to keep my hands and brain busy.
Breakfast. I’d make them breakfast and take it down there.
That way I could still see Jesse, but only briefly, with Cole’s presence to keep things neutral. I didn’t trust myself with him alone any more.
The challenge of cooking food was exactly what I needed – and two espressos and half an hour later, I was walking up the freshly laid dirt track to the cabin.
Pushing loose strands of hair out of my face, my hair pulled up into a high pony, I looked out over the lake as the sun set the morning sky ablaze.
Half squinting as I approached, I almost missed Jesse watching me from the deck. He set his tools aside and stood up.
‘Hey,’ he said softly, jumping off and stepping over to close the distance between us.
His kiss was immediate, gentle at first, then more insistent. My body leapt into its core response to him, leaving me breathless as we parted.
‘I’ve missed you these last few nights,’ he whispered, reaching down to take the bag I held between us. ‘I’m sorry it’s been so crazy. It’ll settle down once the wedding’s done and some of the guests head home next week.’
I nodded, still startled by breakneck speed with which my feelings had torn through my flimsy defences. Stepping back, I scrambled to keep it normal.
‘I thought you guys might be hungry,’ I replied, looking up as Cole walked round the side of the cabin.
‘We get takeout now?’ he smiled, nodding with gratitude as I handed over the wrapped bacon sandwich.
‘Don’t get used to it,’ I replied, handing one to Jesse. I hadn’t missed his questioning glance, recognizing I’d pulled away too quickly. ‘I just know you’re all on overtime, so I figured I’d get domestic for once.’
Cole smiled as they perched on the deck, wolfing down the food in seconds.
‘You not eating?’ Jesse asked quietly, his brow still furrowed.
‘I had mine at the house,’ I lied, unwilling to explain that my stomach had barely stopped churning for days now; how it made eating difficult. ‘Couldn’t wait. Chef’s privilege.’
Cole grunted a laugh as he finished, getting up.
‘Hold up a minute there, would you?’ he asked, turning to go into the cabin. ‘Got something I want your opinion on.’
As he disappeared inside, Jesse reached out a hand to me, gently pulling me down to sit beside him on the deck.
‘Talk to me,’ he said, real concern now spreading across his features. ‘What’s wrong?’
I just shook my head, resolutely staring at my lap when I couldn’t meet his eyes.
‘I’m just tired, that’s all. We all are,’ I replied, chancing a look up.
‘Bullshit,’ he whispered, eyes narrowing. ‘You’ve been off all week, longer. Is it because I haven’t been around as much? Honey, I’m sorry – you’ve got to know it’s not because I don’t want to be. I’ve missed being with you so much—’
Snapping back up to standing, I shook my head so vehemently that he stopped dead. This right here, this was why it couldn’t work between us.
He was too good for me. I’d known it the moment we’d visited his mum – before that, even. At the sale, after it. In his every gesture, his every thought towards me, there was nothing but light and kindness.
And I . . . I was the vacuum that would pull him into darkness. I would ruin him with my issues, my fucked-up past and emotional destruction.
It only confirmed my feelings. This was it; this was love. That I would rather walk away and protect him from my chaos than make him suffer.
Cole’s footsteps back onto the deck broke the tension. Holding what looked like a small box in his hand, he gave me a sheepish smile, turning to a more knowing one as he looked at Jesse.
‘So . . . uh, I wanted your opinion on something,’ he began, stepping down to the grass next to me. ‘Now, I realize it looks a little like I jumped the gun, and I know you’re maybe not as, um . . . traditional as Lottie, maybe, but I know what you think will be important. To her and me.’
I raised my eyebrow, unsure why my heart rate was speeding up.
‘Okay,’ I replied slowly, tilting my head to try to see what was in his hand. ‘Sharing is caring, cowboy – spit it out.’
With a quick glance at Jesse – whose eyes were still trained on me, a tightness to the corners of his mouth – Cole revealed a deep-blue velvet box.
As I suddenly realized what it was, he opened it, revealing . . .
‘Oh shit,’ I murmured, my hand drifting to cover my now open mouth.
The ring that nestled in the box was . . . stunning. A silver band with a raised diamond set in the top, surrounded by a halo of tiny diamonds.
‘I know it’s all so fast,’ he began, anxiety winding into his voice. ‘And I’m not planning to ask her straight away, especially when things are still difficult with her dad.’ He glanced at me, almost pleading. ‘But I know she’s it for me, and . . . I want her – need her to be my wife.’
Swallowing hard, I felt my eyes fill immediately. Jesse moved to get up, but I shook my head quickly, asking him to wait.
‘It’s beautiful, Cole,’ I replied eventually, keeping my voice steady as I looked up at him, his relief registering instantly. ‘And I know it’s been quick, but you have nothing to worry about, or wait for. Lottie will say yes. She’d marry you tomorrow if you wanted.’
It was his turn to look down, his emotion barely concealed.
‘And you . . . you wouldn’t be against that?’ he asked quietly, glancing back up for a moment, his deep brown eyes fearful.
‘What? Against it?’ I questioned, reaching out to put a hand on his arm. ‘What makes you think that? I – You guys are made for each other. I’ve never seen Lottie so happy.’
He nodded.
‘I just . . . well, Lottie said you’re not really a big fan of marriage, that it’s not something you’d want. So, I don’t know . . . you guys are so close. I just wanted your blessing, I guess.’
Looking skyward for a moment, forcing the tears back, I stepped in towards him and gave him a hug.
He responded after a surprised pause. My thoughts swirled, processing the idea that a huge bear of a man like this, the backbone of the ranch, could be so vulnerable for the sake of my best friend as to want my approval.
I pulled back, still holding his arm.
‘You have my blessing, in fucking spades,’ I urged him, tightening my grip.
‘Don’t let her prick dad or my fucked-up thoughts on marriage derail this.
Lottie loves you more than you can know – and if you feel the same way, why wait?
Isn’t that the way things are done here?
’ I gave him a small smile, relieved that he returned it; Lil’s words were ringing in my ears from before.
‘Listen. Lottie’s always been the better side of our coin,’ I continued, catching Jesse’s pained expression in the corner of my eye.
‘I have some really fucked-up stuff in my past, Cole.’
I hesitated, but realized this was my chance to warn Jesse as much as it was to explain to Cole.