Chapter 14 Hestia #2
‘My stepfather was . . . abusive, emotionally,’ I began, forcing myself to continue as they looked at each other briefly, open anger registering on Jesse’s face.
‘When he married my mum . . . well, he took the chance to use their wedding to tell me just how he was going to fuck me over, to control my life and hers. It was the beginning of the worst time of my life.’
‘It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me,’ Cole reassured, his voice softer than I’d ever heard before.
I shook my head.
‘I need you to know where it comes from,’ I murmured, roughly wiping my face as tears escaped. ‘It’s not about you or whether I like you enough for Lottie, okay? That’s not even a question. I just . . . I guess I just associate getting married with . . . hell.’
They were both silent for a moment as I fought to get it together.
‘Are you sure you want to come to Jay’s wedding?’ Jesse asked, his voice barely above a whisper. ‘I don’t want it to bring anything up, or—’
Cole moved in and gave me a brief hug in return.
‘I’ll give you guys a minute.’
Hands on my hips, I stared down at my boots and wiped my eyes again as the quiet returned.
‘I’m so fucking sorry,’ Jesse said, his hand flinching as though he wanted to reach out, but stopping himself. ‘That must be . . .’
‘. . . A head-fuck?’ I finished with a bitter smile. ‘Yeah. It is. Even ten years later.’
‘Listen, we don’t have to go,’ he said, studying my face carefully. ‘Jay and Cole would understand. We could just hang out, just the two of us.’
My heart lurched at the way he was so ready to support me at his own expense. The thought of time alone with him, a whole day of us. I wanted it so badly, wanted him so much that the feeling became painful. My gut twisted with it.
‘No, it’s okay,’ I said, backing up. ‘It’ll be good for me or something. Don’t worry.’
His eyes burned into mine as I turned, making myself walk away. One step after another until my body was on autopilot, knowing full well he was still watching; that one stumble would have him running to me to pick up the pieces.
So I kept going, hoping that I loved him enough to not stop.
‘Hes?’
Lottie’s head emerged around my door, make-up and hair already done. The wedding wasn’t for another few hours, but Cole’s best man duties had already begun. He was swinging by to pick us up in less than an hour.
‘Want a coffee? Irish coffee?’ she offered as I turned to her, finishing my make-up in the mirror. ‘Valium?’
I grimaced, waiting as she strode across the room and grabbed me into a hug.
‘What’s this for?’ I asked gruffly, squeezing her back. ‘You look fucking gorgeous, by the way.’
‘Because I know how hard weddings are for you,’ she whispered into my neck, pulling back gently so as not to disturb the pinned curls all over my head.
‘Aversion therapy,’ I shrugged.
‘And – you look . . . stunning,’ she said. ‘I’ve never seen this look before?’
I glanced back at the mirror, noting how different I looked without my darker, smudged eyes, the complete coverage I normally favoured with my foundation.
This time I’d kept it light, letting my tan and freckles through, opting for light, clean make-up – baby pink blush, soft highlighter.
Long half-lashes and eyeliner only, a raspberry pink lip stain.
The truth was, I’d started applying my usual look, feeling more and more fake as I went. It felt so obviously like a mask, an attempt to be funny, ballsy, sweary Hestia, that I’d washed it all off. This version of me . . . I didn’t know her. But somehow, that matched my insides.
‘Thanks . . . I’m trying it out,’ I replied, struggling to keep my voice normal. Behave normally. ‘Besides, my dress is doing a lot of the talking.’
She chuckled.
‘Did you forewarn Jesse?’
I tried to smile back, but my stomach turned over at the thought of it. I’d ordered the dress a while ago, just after the cookout, when my head, heart . . . everything felt different.
Lottie’s eyes narrowed, finally reaching out a hand and pulling me over to the edge of the bed to sit.
‘Okay, okay. Enough. Spit it out. Leaving you be to figure things out with Jesse is one thing, but you look fucking miserable.’
I gritted my teeth, warring with myself about how much to share.
She’d never accept that I wasn’t good enough for Jesse, that I would pollute and poison something so good.
So I went for the other side of my turmoil, the other factor that complicated it, that would prevent us even exploring what could be – even if miracles were possible and I wasn’t a fucking mess.
‘I guess . . . I’m just suddenly really aware of how little time I have here, that whatever I feel about Jesse .
. .’ I stopped, twisting my hands together.
‘I can’t just stay like you. My visa only has another three, four months, max.
Then that’s it. I’m out and can’t come back for, what, another year? ’
‘You’d want to stay longer?’ Lottie breathed, eyes widening. ‘Because of Jesse? Does that mean you really—’
‘It doesn’t matter, though, does it?’ I replied, trying not to shut down the excitement she was trying so hard to hide. ‘He has enough going on in his life without my bullshit. His mum, this place, the fact that I can’t watch him bull ride without wanting to throw up.’
Lottie pursed her lips, placing her hand over mine.
‘Listen. Lil comes home in a couple of weeks – let’s talk to her.
We might be able to get things organized for a work visa, if we can get you on payroll.
There are options, Hes. But as for Jesse .
. .’ She paused, her expression softening.
‘He doesn’t see what you guys have like that, from what he said. ’
I stared at her, searching her eyes.
‘What did he say?’
‘It was in confidence,’ she began, but as I dead-eyed her, she rolled hers. ‘But the gist of it was that he would go to the ends of the fucking earth for you.’
I bit my lip. That was just Jesse, though. He would always give himself to other people, regardless of the impact on his own wellbeing.
‘Thanks,’ I said softly, taking a deep breath. ‘But let’s just get through this afternoon first. I don’t want to be a downer.’
She stared at me for a moment, her brow furrowing.
‘I wish you could see what I see,’ she murmured, reaching out to pull out a pin from one of the curls, winding it around her finger as it fell, bouncing onto my collarbone. ‘What everyone that really gets to know you sees.’
I shook my head.
‘Don’t be nice to me,’ I begged, pointing to my face. ‘If I cry off my eyelashes I’ll be pissed, took fucking ages.’
‘Fine,’ she said brightly, getting up and adjusting her robe. ‘You’re absolutely not the kindest, most giving person I know, with a fucking huge heart that you don’t know what to do with. Absolutely not. Now put the damn dress on and meet me out front.’
Almost smiling, I got up.
‘You’re extra hot when you’re mean, you know,’ I replied, catching her smile in return, expanding as she flipped me off.
Less than ten minutes later, my biggest concern shifted to keeping my rack in my dress.
It was a simple, raspberry-red satin shift with thin straps, the neck and back dipping low, and I was in desperate need of tit tape. The chances of finding any in Jackson Hole – fuck it, Wyoming – were likely slim to none.
Steeling myself, I put on the pale, metallic gold heels, the straps winding up above my ankles. The dress still almost brushed the floor, a thigh-high split on one side allowing me to walk, but after two months of boots, heels felt like hell.
My hair was unpinned, brushed into waves, and with a last look at the woman in the mirror, I knew exactly who I looked like.
There were voices outside the front door, the sound of a truck pulling away as I opened the door and stepped out, checking the decking carefully so as not to catch my heels in the gaps.
Head down as I lifted the front of my dress to take the step onto the drive, I realized the voices had stopped.
Looking up, brushing my hair back from my eyes, I saw three sets of eyes staring right back.
‘Holy hell,’ Lottie said finally, her mouth half open as she looked to Cole, also wide-eyed. ‘I’ve never . . . wow.’
But I wasn’t listening. I could only focus on the grey eyes nearest to me, the way they clung to me, as though to look away would be to starve. Jesse’s expression was stunned, what had been a relaxed pose in a sharp, dark navy suit turned to stone.
‘Thanks,’ I said quietly, stepping over as Jesse cleared his throat, looking away, towards Cole’s truck.
‘We should go,’ he said, his tone as rigid as his body language. My heart dropped. I’d walked away from him earlier, pulled back from his attempts to help me.
Cole nodded as Lottie took his arm, her pale blue dress, the twin to mine, shimmering in the afternoon sun that sliced across the drive.
‘Jesse,’ I called, keeping my voice soft. He hesitated for a moment, then turned back to me, waiting until I drew level with him. ‘I’m sorry for earlier. It was a lot – I didn’t mean –’
He shook his head gently, meeting my eyes again briefly.
‘Nothing to be sorry for,’ he whispered, his voice rough. ‘Never is, honey.’
‘Then what?’ I urged, unable to bear the pain in his eyes.
He hesitated again.
‘I can’t . . .’ He looked back at me, burying his hands in his suit pockets. ‘I don’t know how to do this.’
A feeling of cold dread gripped my insides. Suddenly, the thought that Jesse was about to push me away felt like a gut punch.
‘What do you –’ I began, stopping as he finally gave in, turning fully and taking his hands from his pockets to hold mine instead.
‘I don’t know how to pretend, Jessica,’ he murmured, looking all over me, his eyes like fingertips over my skin.
‘Like I don’t think you’re the most beautiful, incredible woman I’ve ever met.
I don’t know how to give you space or time or whatever you need right now .
. . because I can’t not touch you, or not want to be with you. ’
I just stared back at him, floored by the force of feeling in his voice, how he so clearly meant it with his whole heart.
‘Guys?’ Lottie called, forcing us back to reality.
Gradually, he let go of my hands, a space opening up between us as we walked to the truck, together but apart.
And amid the occasional concerned glances from Lottie, the small talk and greetings as we arrived at the wedding venue, that’s how we continued.
Forcing my thoughts to stay in the moment, right there with everyone, the wedding itself didn’t prompt the anxiety it could’ve.
Cole’s brother Jay and his new wife, Lianne, were so clearly in love, their families and friends all in tune with those vibes, that I almost relaxed.
But I kept my eyes down, never daring to stray close to Jesse despite our physical proximity. I felt his presence like a guiding hand on my back, his gaze on me throughout.
It wasn’t until after the dinner, as evening stole over the party during Cole’s short and sweet speech, that I started looking up. As his words became more personal, bringing tears to both Lottie and Lianne’s eyes, it hit me. This was going to be Lottie and Cole sometime soon.
And I couldn’t do this to her. I had to find a way to show up for both of them, and . . .
‘Come with me,’ Jesse asked, holding out his hand as he stood. ‘Please.’
I wanted to run. My response to emotion was so engrained that refusing it brought flutters of panic up from the depths.
But I couldn’t.
I placed my hand in his, and we navigated the packed dance floor towards the open double doors leading onto a vast wooden deck.
The venue backed onto the beginning of the wilderness, facing away from Jackson’s lights.
As Jesse led me outside, the Wyoming night subsumed us, everything behind fading away.
The deep velvet sky was studded with infinite stars, the towering mountain peaks the only true blackness against it.
The coolness of the air was offset by his warmth as he drew me close to him.
‘Are you doing okay?’ he asked, one hand gently circling my waist, the other brushing against my arm.
‘I think so,’ I whispered, my heart racing, not able to help myself leaning into him, overwhelmed by the sensation of peace as we stayed that way. As the moments passed, he rested his chin on my head, and I could feel him working up to something.
‘Why won’t you let me in?’ he whispered, his lips brushing my hair.
I closed my eyes, not wanting the peace to end but drawing back a little.
‘I have,’ I replied after a moment, looking up, biting my lip as he locked me into his gaze. ‘That’s the problem,’ I added, my throat threatening to close.
He frowned, his fingers brushing my jaw.
‘Did I do something that last night we spent together?’ he asked, his eyes flashing to his wrist, to the tattoo that lay under the shirt cuff. ‘Since then, I . . .’
‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ I whispered, laying a hand over his heart. ‘It’s me. It’s always me. My fault.’
‘Hestia, stop.’ His voice was pained, his beautiful face shaped by it. ‘Just tell me what’s going on.’
I held my breath, the lump in my throat building. There was nothing else to say, every other explanation fading to nothing.
‘I care about you,’ I whispered, watching as his eyes softened. ‘I care . . . too much. I don’t know how . . . or what to do—’
But before I could finish, he took my face in his hands, tilting it up, our lips agonizingly close.
‘I care about you too,’ he murmured, stroking his thumb against my jaw as I struggled to take it in. ‘More than you know. And if you’ll let me, I want to figure this out.’ He paused, studying my reaction. ‘But Jessica, honey, you have to let me in.’
Desperate to say the words I really felt in return, feeling them churn over and over in my mind, I did the only thing I knew how.
Slowly, gently, I brought my lips to his.
The response was instant, a lit fuse sparking into a chain reaction between our bodies. A release: days of barely touching each other falling away and taking us back to the moments after our last night together.
‘Take me home,’ I whispered, shuddering as his hand brushed the bare skin on my back.
‘I need you to understand how much I want there to be an us,’ he insisted, his breathing ragged. ‘This isn’t just sex for me, not now.’
‘You don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for,’ I whispered, searching his eyes, wanting him to understand how difficult it would be. ‘I’ve never . . . I feel more for you than I ever have, but –’
‘Let me find out for myself,’ he returned, stroking my hair. ‘I’m not gonna run away if things get complicated.’
And even though I knew it was wrong, that I was giving in to my own selfish desire, I moved back into him. He wrapped himself around me in response as I gripped him back, unwilling to let go, for now.