Chapter 16 Hestia
HESTIA
‘I can’t believe this is it.’ Lottie’s voice trembled, her head on my shoulder as we hugged. ‘Your last day. What the fuck am I going to do without you?’
‘Are you kidding me?’ I said, pulling back and grasping her shoulders with my hands.
‘I’ve never seen anyone so in their element.
This place is all you, Lots. The cabin’s almost done, you and Cole will finally have your own place to walk around naked and get as noisy as you like – you won’t even notice I’m gone. ’
Her eyes were glassy as she looked up for a moment, blinking, then back at me, trying to smile.
We both knew the truth, of how much we’d come to rely on daily chats, small moments together that we’d not even had in London.
It’d been like our uni days again, having my ride or die on call for good and bad.
‘I mean, I am looking forward to that,’ she admitted, hiccupping a laugh.
‘But . . . it’s just been amazing having you here.
It feels like everything’s complete, you know?
Especially seeing you and Jesse . . .’ She tailed off as my face changed, the yawning void of pain twisting my gut.
‘He didn’t say a word this morning,’ she added, eyes creased in worry. ‘He knows, right?’
I took a step back, taking the nearest seat at the kitchen table and shaking my head.
‘He was there when Diane called and I said I’d try and find a solution, but he disappeared to help Cole and .
. .’ I hesitated, another ripple of pain beginning, almost taking my breath away.
‘I didn’t see him again after that. I went to bed pretty early .
. . I don’t know if he saw me asleep or what happened. ’
Lottie drew out the chair opposite and sat down, facing me, our knees interlinking.
‘I know Jesse a little now,’ she said, waiting for me to look up, her eyes pinched as she took in my distress.
‘When something is bothering him, he goes inward, into his own head. I know he won’t want to be making things any harder for you.
He always thinks of himself last, you know?
So don’t take it to mean he doesn’t care about you, I know he does. ’
‘Maybe it’s for the best,’ I murmured, avoiding her gaze. ‘Jesse needs someone that won’t add to his list of responsibilities and problems, you know? Maybe it’ll be good for us both.’
She sighed, just the sound of the kitchen clock between us.
‘Look at me,’ she ordered, her tone moving into business mode. As I did so, she narrowed her eyes. ‘Do you love him, Hes?’
I flinched, startled, opening my mouth to respond and then closing it. There was no way of hiding it from her, not at this proximity, with her blue eyes piercing right through every facade I could manufacture.
‘I don’t know,’ I lied, trying anyway. ‘I don’t know what it feels like—’
‘Bullshit,’ she hissed. ‘Lying to yourself is one thing, but you can’t fucking hide it from me.’
‘So what?’ I challenged, throwing up my hands, watching as her expression hardened.
‘So what if I do? What difference does it make? Even if I wasn’t a fucked-up mess incapable of loving someone like they should be, I can’t stay anyway – I don’t have an American passport!
What are we supposed to do? Fucking get married and hope for the best? ’
She sat upright, levelling me with her coolest stare.
‘Yeah, maybe – that’s one route,’ she said, refusing to respond to my incredulous expression. ‘Or there are work visas, either here at the ranch or elsewhere. It’d take some organization, but it’s possible. But that’s not the issue, is it?’
I clenched my jaw, only just refraining from folding my arms.
‘Things don’t always work out perfectly! Not everyone has everything together.’
She shook her head, slowly getting up from her chair.
‘I know you’ve had more shit than most to live with, but at this point, Hes, you’re making a choice.
You are one of the smartest people I know, capable of doing anything or fixing anything you choose, but you’re just not choosing to do this.
’ She paused, not flinching from my stare.
‘You know I’m saying this with love, but maybe it’s better that you do have a break, go home and reassess. ’
Though delivered calmly, her words stung.
‘Fine,’ I replied, mirroring her calm, pretending I couldn’t feel the cracks appearing deep down. ‘I’m leaving after the rodeo. Are you coming?’
She shook her head, halfway to the door. We stared at each other for a moment until in the same moment we walked towards each other and hugged again.
‘I love you, Hes,’ she whispered.
‘I love you too,’ I mumbled, her hair blurring as tears formed.
Taking a breath as we let go, I watched as she walked out without turning back, lifting her hand to her eyes as she went.
I returned to packing, killing time before Dee arrived. My thoughts swirled, dwelling on Lottie’s reaction, dismissing it.
This wasn’t a choice I could make. Cal was self-destructing and taking our business with it, and regardless of being in love with Jesse .
. . I stopped, midway through stuffing T-shirts into the corner of my case.
Torturous thoughts of the moments between us, the seconds between when we’d both known exactly what the other felt and thought.
Despite that, neither of us had said it to the other. Surely, if he felt the same . . . wouldn’t he have said it?
The sound of a car horn jolted me out of it. Grabbing my hat and sliding on my boots, I ran out of the front door, straight into Jesse.
‘Shit, sorry,’ I said as he reached out for me, his hands brushing my waist as I stepped back.
He glanced at the car, Dee smiling tentatively behind the wheel.
‘You going out?’ he asked, his voice rough.
I looked into his face, suddenly noting the darkness under his eyes, the way his face seemed drawn and pale.
‘Yeah, to the horse shelter. Need to find a place for Luci,’ I said, fighting with myself, resisting the urge to reach out and comfort him. ‘I’ll be at the rodeo later, okay?’
He hesitated, thoughts clearly churning.
‘Can we talk then? I need to tell you –’ He stopped himself. ‘We just need to talk.’
I nodded, heart beginning to race.
‘Okay,’ I agreed, not able to help myself reaching out for a moment, brushing the side of his hand with my finger as I walked past, down the steps to the drive.
His eyes blazed as he looked back at me, the depth of feeling so painfully obvious that I almost ran straight back.
But instead, climbing into Dee’s car, I shut myself down to it.
Rosie’s ranch was entirely different to the Diamond Back. On the other side of Jackson, bordering the Wind River Reservation, it nestled into the valley, surrounded by open fields dotted with barns and more horses than I could count.
‘Thirty-two horses and two donkeys,’ Rosie admitted with a wry smile after Dee had made introductions. Her accent was a strange blend of the Wyoming twang and something else I couldn’t quite catch.
‘How do you cope with so many?’ I asked as she led me over to the nearest barn.
Dee was staying behind at the ranch house to watch Rosie’s little girl, Addie.
Not much of a kid person, I had to admit to being taken with the way she’d stomped outside in her own tiny cowboy boots, demanding a snack as we’d arrived. ‘And with Addie, too?’
She shrugged.
‘Just getting stuck in,’ she admitted. ‘I’ve always been a sucker for animals.
My family moved to Sydney in Australia when I was about Addie’s age, so I grew up in the city.
Ended up living on a farm in the Australian outback for a couple of years after that, so when I came back here, I knew I wanted that same life again. ’
‘Do you miss the city?’ I asked as we stepped into the barn. It was smaller than the one at the Diamond Back, but perfectly kept.
‘Sometimes,’ she replied, eyeing me with curiosity. ‘You thinking about staying here, maybe? Dee mentioned something about Jackson’s hottest bull rider.’
I smiled back at her, hoping it didn’t come across as the grimace it felt like.
‘Just a bit of fun,’ I lied, desperate to not talk about it, think about him, for a few minutes.
She chuckled as we approached the first stall, a small, pale grey pony popping its head over the top.
‘Well, I’m sure I’m not the first to warn you, but bull riders and cowboys . . . they’ve got a rep for a reason, you know? Fun’s one thing – and good for you – but there’s always a queue of women behind those guys. Especially him, right?’
The pony nudged her hand, rewarded when she pulled a couple of mint sweets from her pocket.
‘Right,’ I admitted – then, not able to help myself, added, ‘But Jesse isn’t like that, not really.’
She raised an eyebrow as I stroked the pony’s nose.
‘Come on now, neither of us are naive country girls who’ve never left the Midwest,’ she countered.
‘Men are all the same. They’re all magpies, after the next new shiny object.
’ She held up her hands as I frowned. ‘I’m not being a bitch, I’m just saying what I’ve experienced.
And you are one hell of a shiny object.’
I knew what she was saying. There was a complete lack of malice in her tone.
‘Yeah, you’re probably right,’ I sighed.
‘I’m just saying, from one city girl to another, if you want to stay here, make it something for you. It’s an adjustment, for sure. Took me the best part of a couple of years to settle in. Dee says you’re a tattoo artist? There’s a great creative community here.’
‘Yeah, met a few people at the Jackson Collective,’ I replied. ‘Everyone’s been really welcoming.’
‘And now you’ve got yourself a horse, too?’ she asked, sharing more mints with the next horse down. ‘Bailey told me about the sale. Fucking assholes. Tell me about Luci, then. She not gonna cut it as a ranch horse?’
I explained that she wasn’t broken in, that the thought of taking her to another horse sale to sell her on again was more than I could bear now I was going back home.
She considered it, leaning on the stall door.