14. Rae
14
RAE
Now
W hen I was a kid, I used to hate getting my hair done.
It took too long, and it hurt too much. The kitchen counter was always too cold, and my mom always managed to get water in my ears or shampoo in my eyes—sometimes both—before it was all said and done. She’d also get mad at me when I cried as she brushed out my curls. I remember because that was really the only time she ever raised her voice.
If you’d just hold still, we could get done quicker, Rae, she’d say, impatient hands raking through tangled curls with a rat-tail comb and not a lick of product because she didn’t know a damn thing about detangling sprays, wide tooth combs or patience.
By the time I had Riley, I’d decided that our wash days weren’t going to be anything like that. Now, don’t get me wrong, she still cries sometimes when my fingers get caught on a particularly dreadful knot during the finger detangling portion or when the water isn’t as cold as she likes it, but for the most part, it’s not a traumatic time for her. I play her music and make sure she has plenty of snacks, and after I wash her hair twice —once with a clarifying shampoo and again with a moisturizing one—I do a deep condition and sit her under the hooded dryer on low for thirty minutes.
Usually, I use that time to clean up the mess I’ve made of the kitchen and to prepare myself for the styling portion of the day. That’s what I’m in the middle of doing when Aaron walks through the door in a God-awful mood. He makes a beeline for me, which is odd because he knows we’re not currently on speaking terms. I haven’t said a word to him or his hag of a mother after I found out she got him to agree to pay for a full kitchen renovation in the house she no longer lives in so she can finally put it on the market. The sixty-thousand dollar invoice that came in Saturday’s mail had Aaron’s name on it and was backdated to the week we moved to New Haven, which means Aaron knew on Friday—when he was standing in the middle of the place I wanted to build my dream in—that he’d already promised the money he could have used to cover my portion of our expenses to Marcy. And now, if I want to keep Riley at her school and a roof over our heads, I’ll have to press pause on everything I wanted to do for myself.
Hell, I might need to go get a job at the school I was planning on putting out of business.
“We need to talk,” Aaron says, standing close to me even though it’s completely unnecessary.
I shake my head and pull down a few sheets of paper towel, using them to soak up the little bit of water on the counter I missed the first time. “I don’t have anything to say to you, Aaron.”
“Listen, Rae.” He places a hand over mine, forcing me to stop what I’m doing. “I know you’re mad at me, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the renovation, but can we just set it aside for right now? I have something to tell you.”
A heavy, impatient sigh passes through my lips as I turn to him. “What is it, Aaron?”
He glances over at the breakfast nook where I have Riley set up under the dryer.
“Can we speak in private?”
“She can’t hear us.”
“Rae, please.”
I cross my arms, letting him know I’m not budging. Whatever he has to say to me can be said right here, right now.
“I went to see Hunter.”
Okay, anything except for that.
Grabbing his hand, I drag him out of the kitchen and down the hallway until we’re near the front door. “What do you mean you went to see Hunter? You were supposed to be at the office!”
My heart is in my throat and yet, it’s still managing to beat a million times per minute. I didn’t get the chance to tell Aaron about Hunter discovering he was Riley’s dad because I was in shock the night it happened. Then, on Saturday morning, when I intended to bring it up, I found the invoice that led to me giving him the silent treatment while sitting on his desk.
He sets his briefcase on the entryway table and tosses his keys down beside it. “I mean, after I finished working, I went to go see your ex and tell him to stay away from you, and, while I was there, I learned that you told him about Riley being his daughter.”
“I didn’t tell him. He put it together when he heard me mention that Riley was about to turn ten in August.”
Aaron shrugs, his eyes disinterested. “Doesn’t matter because he knows now, doesn’t he? Which is funny because I seem to remember us having a conversation where you told me that you had no plans of ever making him privy to that information.” He taps his index finger on his chin. “I also seem to recall, during that same conversation, you saying you never wanted to see him again, but today, I found out that you went to his gym.”
“To tell him to stay away from us.” I hate how it feels like I’m the one in trouble when Aaron just went and did the same thing I did for different reasons. “Why did you go see him?”
“To protect my family.”
I scoff. “We both know that’s not true.”
He starts to loosen his tie, still staring at me. “You’re calling me a liar?”
“Yeah, Aaron, I’m calling you a liar because we both know you going to see Hunter wasn’t about your family. It was about your ego.”
“You can’t be serious right now, Rae. The man is a fucking drug addict, and you think I went down there to his sketchy ass gym on some kind of ego trip?”
“What am I supposed to think, Aaron? It’s not like you called and asked my opinion on anything. You don’t know if I want Hunter to stay away or if I want to try to integrate him into Riley’s life, and you didn’t ask before you went and spoke on behalf of me and my child.”
“Oh, here we go with that ‘ my child’ shit,” he says nastily.
“She is my child, Aaron.”
“I know that, Rae.” He spits the words out, and they land in a wet heap of resentment at my feet. “You never let any of us forget that she’s yours, which means you don’t leave any space for anyone else to try to know and love her.”
“That’s not true.”
Is it?
“Yes, it is. You build this wall around Riley and then get mad when she’s in there all alone. No one can get through. No one can get close. Not even me, and I’ve been trying for seven fucking years. Do you know how exhausting that is?”
His words strike a chord deep inside my chest. I step back, tears crowding my eyes. “Well, I’m sorry that we’re so exhausting. I’m sorry that my past, my choices, my mistakes, and my child are so hard for you to deal with.”
When the first tear falls, Aaron’s face softens. He’s still mad, and we’re still broken, but I step into his arms when he holds them open for me.
“That’s not what I meant,” he murmurs softly. “I’m just saying I want you to make room for me in the little castle you’ve built around you and Ri. You’re the one with the key, so please undo the lock so we can defend it together.”
Aaron grips my chin gently, tipping my head back so I can look him in the eyes. The sincerity there confuses me because it says he truly believes what he’s saying, that he really feels like I’ve been forcing him into the margins of Riley’s life. Thinking back on the conversation I had with Marcy on the first day of school, I wince, realizing maybe that might be true.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “From here on out, I want us to be honest with each other, okay? No more making decisions and hiding them from the other. No more taking on things alone. We have a lot going on, and I think it would be a lot easier to get through if we did it together.”
Bubbles of hope and relief fill my chest when Aaron nods.
“Okay,” he says. “But I’m going to follow your lead on this Hunter thing. Whatever you decide, whenever you decide, I’m going to be right here.”
I lay my head on his chest, drawing comfort from the steady thump of his heartbeat.
“Hunter isn’t dangerous,” I tell him. Even though I haven’t known him in a long time, I know that much to be true. Hunter cares about me, and although they’ve only been face-to-face one time, he loves Riley. He’d do anything to keep her safe, including lay down his own life. That truth was present in his eyes when he asked to meet her. It’s the thing that’s haunted me for the last two days while I’ve tried to think of a response to a question I should have already answered.
“We don’t know that, Rae, and we have to consider everything before we decide whether or not we’re going to let him in Riley’s life.”
Every time he says we, my heart skips a beat. This is what I’ve been wanting, what I’ve been waiting for: the united front. Me and Aaron facing every problem together instead of tackling them from opposite sides. It feels good to have it in this moment. So good, I grab onto it with both hands and hold on tight, letting all my anger and other simmering concerns fall by the wayside.
“You just said you were going to follow my lead,” I remind him with an indulgent smile pulling at my lips.
“You’re right. You’re right.” He pushes out a settling breath. “Tell me where your head is at.”
I picture Hunter. Not just as he was the other night, all decked out in a suit, rubbing elbows with New Haven’s elite, but as he was in the gym when I went to see him and at the cemetery when we ran into each other out of the blue. Every time I’ve come across him, I’ve been able to see his commitment to his sobriety. Will always used to say that once a person chose to do the work, you could see the determination on their face.
Back then, when Hunter and I were deep in the madness of our love, that determination wasn’t there. He wanted to be clean, sure, but I think he wanted it more for me than himself. He wanted to be the kind of man who deserved me, and in doing so, he became the only version of himself that could have lost me. I’m confident that isn’t the case today. He didn’t get clean for me, or even for Riley; he got clean for himself, and knowing that makes me feel safe giving him access to my—no, our —daughter.
“Every day should be a mental health day, Mommy!” Riley shouts as she pumps her little legs as hard as she can to make the swing go higher. I offered to push her, but she said that Scarlett said big girls don’t need help, so I hopped on my own swing and channeled my energy into catching some air with her while also silently running through the advice Dee gave me last night about having this conversation with Riley. It all basically came down to being honest and open and not getting defensive if she gets upset.
When we were on the phone rehearsing, the words poured off my tongue easily, but every time I’ve tried to speak them today, I’ve gotten choked up, scared of ruining Riley’s good mood, terrified to make her hate me.
Aaron assured me that wouldn’t be the case when I expressed my fears to him last night. He’s been extremely supportive of my decision to tell Riley about her dad, and even though we’ve only been back on track for a few days, I think we’ve finally found our footing in New Haven.
Let’s just hope we can keep it.
“Every day can’t be a mental health day, Ri.”
“Why not?”
“Because we don’t need one every day.”
“But I needed one today?” she asks, still swinging high even though I’ve started to slow down.
“Yeah, baby, we both did.”
She looks over at me, concern pouring out of those big, brown eyes. “Why did you need one? Is there something wrong with your brain?”
Her question surprises a laugh out of me. “Something like that.”
“Wanna talk about it? You always say that sharing your feelings with a grown-up you trust can help you feel better. I’m not a grown-up, but you can trust me.”
Motherhood is mostly saying things you hope make sense and praying your kid is not just listening, but absorbing your words. Most days, I don’t know if anything I say sticks with Riley, but then, in moments when I least expect, she hits me with a line like that and I rejoice in the fact that the seeds I’ve planted have taken root.
“Thanks, Nugget.” I flash her a grateful smile, then reach over and wrap my fingers around the rusted chain keeping the swing attached to the frame. Riley stops kicking her legs, helping me curb her momentum until she’s completely still. “There is something I’d like to talk to you about.”
Her eyes light up, and there’s surprise lingering in the corners because she didn’t expect me to take her up on her offer. “Okay.”
I take a deep breath and send up a silent prayer that I’m making the right decision. “Remember when we went to Nana and Uncle Will’s grave, and we talked about how important it is to love people while we have them?”
Riley nods. “I wish I could have met Nana and Uncle Will.”
It’s not the first time she’s expressed that sentiment, nor is it the first time my eyes have filled with tears born solely from the knowledge that the three most important people in my life will never know each other.
“I know, baby. I wish you could have too.” Reaching over, I brush an errant curl away from her face. “And I don’t want you missing out on any more people who love you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you know that Aaron isn’t your real dad, right?”
“Yeah, that’s why I call him Aaron.” Her deadpan response pulls a snort out of me that has her looking at me like I’m crazy. “When I meet my real dad, I won’t call him his name because that’d be weird. I’ll call him Daddy just like I call you Mommy.”
The certainty in her tone catches me just as off guard as the words she’s saying, and I find myself angling my body towards her. “Ri, have you been thinking about your real dad a lot?”
She nods and brings her hands into her lap to start twiddling her thumbs. “Yes.”
“But you never asked me about him. Why?”
“I didn’t want to make you sad,” she whispers with her chin tucked into her chest so the words are barely audible. “It makes you sad when you talk about Uncle Will and Nana. I thought maybe talking about him would make you sad because you miss him like you miss them.”
My teeth plunge into my lower lip to stop it from trembling. I don’t know what to say, so I just follow Dee’s advice and choose honesty. “It does make me sad to talk about your dad, but for different reasons than it makes me sad to talk about Nana and Uncle Will.”
“How is it different?”
“Well, for starters, your dad isn’t in heaven.”
“Where is he?”
Here it is. The hardest part of this conversation. I run a hand down my neck and over my racing pulse. “He’s here, in New Haven.”
Sparks of wonder and excitement turn Riley’s eyes bright. “Really?”
“Yep.” I cough, pushing the words out past the lump in my throat that’s made purely of fear because Riley has the same look in her eyes that Hunter did when the truth came out. It’s steely resolve that tells me this train is moving full speed ahead whether I want it to or not.
“Can I see him?”
“Of course, you can.”
“Right now?” She jumps out of her swing, and in an instant, she’s standing in front of me, bouncing on her toes with excitement. “Can we go see him now?”
I should have expected this. Patience has never been a strong suit for Riley. Yet another thing she gets from Hunter. I open my mouth to tell her that we’ve had enough excitement and revelations for one day, but then I remember that she’s been waiting her whole life for this, and I don’t have the heart to make her wait anymore.
“Sure, Nugget.”
I push to my feet and grab her by the hand. We’re almost to the car when her steps slow to a stop, and she tugs on my arm. When our eyes meet, there’s doubt swimming in her irises. Lowering myself down to her level, I search her face for any clues as to what’s changed in the last sixty seconds and come up empty.
“What is it, Ri?”
“Does he love me?”
The question hits me right in the center of my chest, setting free a wave of shame stronger than any I’ve ever felt before. The consequences of my actions, of Hunter’s choices, of our mistakes, are staring me right in the face, reflected in my daughter’s questioning gaze, and while I’m sad she even has to ask, I’m happy to know the answer.
“Oh, honey. When you meet him, you’ll see that you’ve got your dad’s eyes and his ridiculously thick eyebrows—” Riley giggles when I make my brows wiggle “—but most importantly, you’ll see that you have his heart.”