15. Hunter
15
HUNTER
Now
“ I have questions.”
Rae’s voice pulls my attention to the door of my office, where she’s currently standing with her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. It’s been nearly a week since I last saw her, but her random statement makes it seem like we’re in the middle of a conversation instead of at the beginning of one.
Dropping the pen in my hand onto the stack of papers on my desk, I gesture for her to come in and take a seat. To my surprise, she doesn’t argue, opting to perch on the edge of my uncomfortable couch instead of one of the armchairs I got the other day. Taurin said it would have made more sense for me to get the armchairs and toss the couch, but I couldn’t bring myself to part with it.
I have a lot of good memories on that couch, and most of them involve the woman sitting on it now with her legs crossed and her spine straight. There’s no tension in her posture, just the kind of rigid perfection ballerinas exhibit even when they’re not on the stage. With Rae settled in her seat, I choose to follow her lead, diving right into the conversation with no formalities or pretenses.
“I’ve been clean for ten years, three months, and” —I glance at the calendar, wanting to be as accurate as possible— “thirteen days. I go to meetings once a week—more often now that you’re back in town—and have regular check-ins with Nate. He said that he’d be more than happy to talk to you about my recovery, and I’ve also asked some of my sponsees if they’d be willing to speak to you too. They all agreed, but if you want to be sure you’re getting an unbiased opinion, I could give you Mallory’s number.”
When I reach for my phone, Rae shakes her head. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Then what do I have to do, Rae?” Desperation coats each word. I’ve waited for this moment for so long, hoping, praying, wishing that it would come, and now that it might be here, I’m eager to give her whatever she needs to see this through. “Tell me what you need to see, what you want to know because I’ll do anything if it gets me her.”
Rae’s eyes shine with emotion. “You really mean that, don’t you?”
“I’ve never meant anything more.”
She rests her elbow on her knee and plops her chin into her palm then shakes her head. “Damn, you two have made this entire thing surprisingly easy.”
I assume she’s talking about me and Riley because the alternative means having to think about her little boyfriend, Aaron, and that’s the last thing I want to do today. I don’t like the guy, and one day, when Rae and I are more settled into this co-parenting thing, I’m going to tell her that he doesn’t deserve her or Riley.
“You told her?”
My heart slows to a stop and then starts again, kicking into overdrive when Rae nods. She knows. My daughter knows about me, and I know about her, and things I didn’t even know were broken in this world, and in me, are being healed.
“She wants to meet you,” Rae says, her features calm and restrained even though I know there must be a riot of emotion happening inside her.
“And I want to meet her. Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there.”
“Right now. Your parking lot.”
“What?” Rae stands, and I do, too, because I heard what she said, even if my question suggests otherwise. “You left her in the car by herself?” I ask, following her down the stairs and out of the gym.
“I was gone for five minutes. The air is on, and she has her phone so she can call if there’s an emergency.” We’re outside now, and Rae is parked right by the front door, which makes me feel a little better.
A little.
“That’s still not safe,” I tell her, my steps faltering when Riley looks out the window and meets my eyes. “Someone could have?—”
“Hunter,” Rae snaps, cutting me off. “She’s fine. Everything is fine. Now, do you want to lecture me on my parenting decisions or meet your daughter?”
Part of me wants to do both, but I know that’s not an option.
“I want to meet my daughter.”
My daughter. Damn, do those words feel like heaven on my tongue. There’s bliss in every syllable, euphoria in their meaning, and my feet are moving again, this time on their own accord, prepared to take me to Riley so I can find out if shaking her little hand makes me feel the same way.
Rae stops me with two palms on my chest, and the physical contact is a shock for us both. Currents of energy, sharp and decisive, rebound through me, stilling me once again. Rae feels it too. She steps back, her face warped into a mask of unreadable emotion.
“Just wait right here,” she says finally, holding her palms up still but not touching me. “Let me bring her to you, okay?”
“Okay.”
I don’t know why it matters whether I go to her or she comes to me, but I know Rae has thought this part of our interaction through, so I follow her lead. I’m going to have to do a lot of that now, yielding to her, learning from her, letting her take the lead so I can figure out how to be as good at this as she is. From just a few paces away, I watch her open the car door and crouch down to Riley’s level. Riley keeps her eyes on her mom’s face, listening as she explains something I’m too far away to hear. I can guess what she’s saying, though. She’s probably telling her not to be afraid of me. That I might look big and scary, but I’m actually a teddy bear at heart, and while that’s not really true, I’ll go along with it, making it true for Riley the same way I used to make it true for her mom.
When their conversation is done, Rae grabs Riley’s hand and helps her out of the car. They walk towards me looking like a hopeful future and a lost past, and my heart aches because they are both so fucking beautiful.
“Hunter, this is Riley,” Rae says, yanking me back into the moment. “Riley, this is your dad, Hunter.”
Most of the kids I know are either troubled like Taurin or….well, actually, I don’t know any other kids outside of Taurin, but I can still say with confidence that Riley is nothing like any other kid in this world. Where I expect fear or the kind of bashfulness that makes kids cling to their mom’s legs when they meet new people, I find nothing but courage. She looks me dead in the eye, and then, to my surprise and pure delight, she extends her hand to me and says, “Hey, I know you.”
I drop down to my haunches, keeping her hand in mine. “You do?”
“Yep, you’re the man from the cemetery.”
Rae and I both laugh at her candidness, but I’m the only one who responds. “That’s right. I did see you at the cemetery once. What were you doing out there, robbing graves?”
She scrunches up her little button nose. “Eww, no. We were visiting my Nana and Uncle Will.”
“Oh, okay, I guess that makes more sense.”
I glance at Rae, and we engage in a silent conversation over Riley’s head. One where I tell her I’m sorry she had to do that alone, and she says it’s fine because she’s used to doing things like that alone.
“Were you robbing graves?” Riley asks, pulling my focus back to her.
“Of course not! That’s against the law. Do I look like the kind of person who’d break the law?”
My daughter gives me a once-over with eyes that are just like mine and purses her lips. “A little bit.”
I slap my free hand over my heart and let my mouth fall open in faux shock. “What is it, the tattoos?”
The question makes her giggle, and when I pull my eyes away from her precious face, I find that Rae is laughing, too. Their audible joy makes the air around me warm, and I bathe in it, hoping I never have to know another day without it.
“You’re funny,” Riley says. “Do you like ice cream?”
“I love ice cream.”
Now Rae is pursing her lips, her eyes calling me a liar. She knows me and dairy don’t really get down like that, but what am I gonna do? Tell my kid I’m lactose intolerant and miss a chance to have an ice cream date with her? I think not.
“Mommy, can we take him to get ice cream, please?”
Cute, smart and well-mannered? Oh, I can already feel myself turning into putty, my now pliable form being wrapped around Riley’s pinky finger. Apparently, Rae already lives there because even though she tries to look stern, I can hear the surrender in her tone when she says, “Did you even ask him if he wants to go get ice cream with us?”
“Of course, I want to go get ice cream with you,” I answer before Riley even has the chance to repeat the question. “And I know the perfect spot.” I stand and train my gaze on Rae, studying her face for any signs of protest. “But we can only go if it’s okay with Mommy.”
Rae’s eyes glaze over, and for a second, I think I’ve fucked it all up, but then she blinks and everything is back to normal. She forces a bright smile onto her face and splits it between me and the kid.
“Ice cream sounds good to me.”
“Lick is the only ice cream place in town with decent non-dairy options,” I explain to Rae as we walk down the quiet city block with our frozen treats in hand. Riley is a few steps ahead of us, the vanilla ice cream on the cone she begged for melting rapidly onto her hands.
“Finally gave up your battle with lactose, huh?”
“Had to. It’s important to know when you’ve been bested.”
She rolls her eyes at my casual use of the phrase I was known for using on opponents when I fought in unofficial MMA rings during my army days. That part of my life was over by the time I met Rae, but I still regaled her with the stories, telling her all about my alter ego—The Reaper—and his favorite catchphrase.
“Ugh. Please don’t tell me you’re using that in everyday conversation now.”
I laugh and take a bite of my gelato. “Whenever I can, however I can.”
“I bet the people in your classes just love that.” Sarcasm drips from every word, but it makes me smile. “Mallory and I used to hate those little catchphrases so much.” She pulls her mouth down into a frown and deepens her voice so she can do a poor impression of me. ‘ Next time, let your actions match your knowledge ’”
“I remember.” I join her in her laughter, making mine loud and exaggerated so it’s really noticeable when it stops. “I also remember you being a lot better at mocking me.”
Rae rolls her eyes. “Boy, please, my impression was spot on.”
“If by spot on, you mean not even close.”
She bumps me with her shoulder, and I try my damnedest not to add layers of meaning onto the casual touch because Rae isn’t. She’s just existing, just letting me exist with her and Riley.
“You’re too far away, Ri,” I call out, my voice carrying down the sidewalk. Riley pauses and turns, waving like I didn’t just admonish her for breaking our agreement to stay within arms reach.
“Stay put, Nug,” Rae says, and we both pick up the pace until we’re close enough to Riley to see the streaks of vanilla running down her forearms. Given that she’s not a fan of stickiness, I expect Rae to whip out a hand wipe or some tissue to clean up the mess, but she doesn’t. In fact, she’s not even looking at Riley or me because she’s too preoccupied with the ‘for rent’ sign posted in the window of the building we’re in front of.
It’s an older building with faded red bricks and arched windows that tell a story of past grandiosity just waiting to be reawakened by someone. Because of its proximity to downtown and all the shops that have opened up around here that contribute a ton of foot traffic it’s the perfect spot for a business of some sort.
“I can’t believe someone hasn’t snatched it up yet,” she mutters under her breath, a faraway look in her eye.
Riley tries to use her mother’s distraction to her advantage, but I see the intention to run off on her face and grab her by the hand to hold her in place. She squeezes my fingers and giggles when I squeeze them back.
“You know this spot?” I ask Rae, splitting my gaze between the building and her face because there’s wonder and hope there that I don’t know if I’m supposed to be witnessing.
My question seems to snap her out of her trance. “Yeah, I, um—” She bites her lip like she’s trying to stop herself from telling me what her connection to the building is. Then she shrugs like it doesn’t matter if I know or not and tells me anyway. “I was going to start a ballet school.”
“Was? Why was?”
Rae glances at Riley and then back at me, and I’m aware of the internal battle she’s fighting. She’s already let me in so much today, and giving me this, a glimpse into a part of her life that has nothing to do with our daughter, feels like too much.
“We should head back,” she says, tipping her head in the direction that we just came from.
I don’t argue.
On the way back to her car, I run through a list of possible reasons why Rae wouldn’t be able to rent that building and make her dreams of opening a school a reality, and the only plausible explanation is money. Starting a business is nothing more than one financial stress after the other, which is usually what stops people from taking the leap into entrepreneurship. I won’t pretend to know what Rae or Aaron’s bank accounts look like, but I assumed they were well off. I mean, if they’re doing well enough for Aaron to drive the latest Audi and rock suits with four-figure price tags, then I think he should be able to figure out how to get a building for Rae in one of the more reasonably priced parts of town.
If it were me….
Well, it’s not you.
The mental reminder is enough to keep my thoughts and questions to myself for the remainder of our short walk. When we’re standing in front of Rae’s car, I drop down to one knee in front of Riley while her mom stands back, giving us some privacy.
“Thanks for the ice cream, Ri.”
She smiles, and there’s still a bit of vanilla on the corner of her mouth. “You’re welcome.”
I open my arms, hoping she’ll grant my final request of the night, but more than okay if she doesn’t. “Can I have a hug?”
To my surprise, she comes running, crashing into my body with the kind of force I wouldn’t usually attribute to someone her size. She wraps her arms around me, dirty fingers sticking to my shirt. I can’t bring myself to care as I fold her into my embrace, making sure not to squeeze too tight even though I don’t ever want to let her go. My eyes turn misty as I breathe in her scent for the first time, pressing my nose into the cloud of curls that smell like shea butter and cocoa and Riley. It’s the most perfect scent. The most perfect hug. She’s the most perfect girl, and my heart is full of love that builds and builds and builds until I have no choice but to let it go.
“I love you, Ri.” I release her, swallowing hard to keep the tears at bay. “I hope you have the best day at school tomorrow.”
“Can I call you and tell you about it?”
“I would love that.”
“You’ll have to give Mommy your number, and then she’ll give it to me,” she says. Her little voice is full of authority as she backs away, turning toward the car. “Goodnight, Daddy.”
There’s nothing forced or unnatural about that word on her lips, but I’m still stunned by the ease with which she uses it. “Goodnight, Daughter.”
Again, she giggles, trapping the innocent sound of happiness in the car with her when she closes the door. I turn to Rae, my eyes stretched wide. “Did I hear that right?”
She moves closer to me, tainting the air around me with the scent of pears and vanilla. “Yep, no first names over here, just titles.”
My excitement wanes just a little. “Oh, so she calls Aaron…”
“No.” Rae shakes her head. “She’s never called him anything but Aaron. Apparently, she’s been waiting to meet you before pulling the D word out.”
In the small, pettiest part of my brain, I take extreme satisfaction in knowing I’m the only person Riley has ever referred to that way, and I have to change the subject just to make sure it doesn’t show on my face.
“I told her she could call me after school tomorrow and tell me about her day.”
“I heard. Dee isn’t going to like that. She’s usually Riley’s first call after school.”
A fond smile pulls at the corner of my lips at the mention of Rae’s lifelong best friend. “How is Dee anyway?”
“She’s good, living in Michigan and getting paid to gossip with the clients she’s supposed to be helping.”
“So, still up to her same shenanigans.”
“Yep,” Rae says, pulling out her phone and extending it to me once she’s got it on the ‘add a new contact’ screen. “Put your number in and I’ll make sure she calls as soon as she gets in the car. Pick-up is at three, and we’ll be calling about ten minutes after that, so please make sure you answer.”
“I will,” I promise, typing my number in and then handing the phone back to her. She looks down, preparing to go through the motions of saving it, when she notices something.
“You still have the same number?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?” My brows pull together, forming a tight line that says I don’t appreciate the judgment in her tone. She rolls her eyes but still course-corrects. “I mean, I just don’t think I know anyone who’s had the same number for over twenty years. Why have you kept it for so long?”
I could lie. I probably should lie, but I don’t like the idea of ending the first day of our new beginning on a dishonest note.
“Remember that time your car broke down on the highway in the middle of the night?” She nods, and I continue relaying the details even though we both know the story. “Your phone was dead, and you flagged down this creepy ass van that, thankfully, turned out to be full of a women’s church group. They let you use their phone to call for help, and the only number you knew by heart was….”
“Yours,” Rae says, finishing my sentence, understanding dawning on her features.
“When you left, I knew that you were gone for good. I deserved that, but I couldn’t stand the thought of you reaching out to me for some reason or another and there being a stranger on the other end of the line.”
Several different emotions play across Rae’s features, and she quiets them all one by one, spiriting them away from my prying eyes. After a few moments of silence, she claps her hands and says, “I should get going. Do you need me to give you a ride back to the gym?”
Her polite tone is almost enough to make me ignore the way her eyes stretch wide with the hope that she won’t have to spend another minute with me today. Although it’s inconvenient, and unnatural, I decide the best thing to do is let her go.
“No, I’ll just get an Uber back.”
“Great,” she says, turning to walk away from me without so much as a goodnight.
The abrupt end to such a good day doesn’t sit right with me, so I reach for her, catching her by the wrist like I did the night I found out about Riley. This time, she doesn’t snatch away; she just turns slowly, looking between her wrist and my face with a frown.
“I’m sorry.” I release her. “I just had to say one last thing before I let you go.”
“What is it, Hunter?”
She’s not looking at me. Her gaze focused on a point somewhere above my head. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need her eye contact to know that my words will resonate in her heart.
“Thank you for today, for this chance to know her and learn you again. I know I made a mess of us before, but we really made something beautiful together, didn’t we?”
All of her features go soft, and she finally meets my eyes. “Yeah, we really did.”