25. Rae
25
RAE
Now
“ A nd why does he keep calling you Sunshine?!” Aaron shouts. His voice a loud and annoying boom that I know is audible all the way upstairs. He’s been on a full-blown rampage since Hunter left, following me around the kitchen as I clean up dinner and airing out his grievances with no care or concern about the child upstairs who can hear him.
“Keep. Your. Voice. Down.” I say by way of response, bending over to put another plate in the dishwasher while he stands there doing nothing but puffing out his chest and complaining.
“Seriously?” he hisses. “You think my volume is the only thing we need to be concerned about right now?”
“No, Aaron, I don’t. But if you actually want me to listen when you voice your other concerns, I’d suggest you bring it down a notch.”
He scoffs in disdain, but the next time he speaks, his voice is at a more acceptable level. “You’re unbelievable, you know that? I go out of my way to plan a romantic weekend for you, and you jump ship the first chance you get to go play house with your baby daddy.”
The knife I’m holding slips out of my fingers and clatters to the ground, and I stand there for a second, stunned at the audacity of it and the man across from me. Shaking my head, I bend over and pick it up, shoving it into the utensil holder in the dishwasher.
“It’s a work trip,” I remind him, saying the thing I wanted to say when his mother brought it up at dinner in front of Hunter, and he chimed in, making it sound like some grand gesture instead of a thoughtless invitation he sprung on me at the last minute to try and smooth things over from the last fight we had. “You’re going to Atlanta for work, which means I would have spent the entire weekend in a hotel without you.”
“Don’t make it sound like some hardship, Rachel. You’d be in a suite at the Waldorf Astoria.”
I bristle, the way I always do, when he uses my full name to admonish me, to minimize my feelings and concerns while treating me like a child. “But I’d be alone, Aaron, and away from Riley for no good reason. You know how much I hate that. This way I get to be with her?—”
“And Hunter,” he says, cutting me off with a sneer. “You get to be with Riley and Hunter, which is exactly what she wanted, by the way. Do you feel good about that? Being played like a fucking fiddle by a nine-year-old.”
“She didn’t play me.”
“Oh, yes she did.” He laughs, and the sound is ripe with false humor. “She’s always manipulating you.”
“Feeling safe enough to express her emotions is not manipulation; it’s a healthy way of communicating her needs.”
“What about my needs, Rae?”
My head snaps up, and I stare at him in disbelief. “Did you seriously just ask me that?”
I used to think Aaron was a smart man. I mean, I don’t think he’s dumb now, but I do think he has to be missing that fundamental part of his brain that’s dedicated to self-preservation because I know there’s murder in my eyes right now, but instead of backing down, he keeps going, launching into a speech that’s all about how fucking neglected he feels.
“Yes, Rae, I did because we haven’t made love in weeks. All of your extra time and mental space is dedicated to your school, which I knew was going to happen, by the way, but I still agreed to let you keep it.”
I grab the pan off the stove and shove it into the bottom rack. Marcy says it’s supposed to be washed by hand, but I don’t care. Tonight, everything in this damn kitchen is going in the dishwasher, so I don’t end up chucking it at Aaron’s head.
We both know he didn’t have a choice in the matter when it came to me keeping the building.
“And when you’re not at that building or talking to Dee about your school, you’re focused on Riley and Hunter. I mean, it feels like the dude lives with us now. He’s here every week.”
“He’s here once a week, Aaron, which you agreed to.”
“Sometimes more than once,” he insists, putting his hands on his hips. “Last week, he was here twice. I never agreed to that.”
Wiping my hands on the dish towel on my shoulder, I gaze up at the sky, praying for patience and reminding myself that while I look good in a lot of colors, orange is not one of them.
“Hunter was here for all of five minutes on Wednesday because I had to ask him to pick Riley up from school when your mother forgot her.”
Why he thinks it’s wise to remind me of that little mishap right now, I’m not sure. All it does is make me more upset, more frustrated, and more confident that giving Hunter more time with Riley is the right choice because he came through when Aaron and Marcy let me down. And he didn’t utter a single complaint when I called him, frantic and upset because Riley was waiting, and I couldn’t get to her because I had to be at the building to sign for several deliveries. He dropped everything he was doing and picked her up, took her out for ice cream, and then brought her home and waited with her in the backyard until Marcy got home from the last-minute hair appointment she thought was more important than my kid.
Aaron, who hates when people point out his mother’s flaws just as much, if not more than his own, grimaces. “You wouldn’t have needed Mom to pick her up if you weren’t opening that school.”
My final thread of sanity snaps with a loud pop that turns everything in my vision red and blurry. Unfortunately for Aaron, his words hit me at the same time the rack I’m trying to push in to close up the dishwasher refuses to slide into place. I shove it hard several times, but each time it bounces back out because something is off. I bark out an enraged laugh and straighten to my full height, then snatch the dish towel on my shoulder off and throw it down. It lands in a defunct heap on top of the dirty dishes, and I don’t care because I’m done.
I am so done.
“Well, I am!” I bellow, finally unleashing the madness Aaron has been trying to taunt out of me for the past hour. “I’m starting the fucking school, Aaron. It’s happening, and I wish you would just get the fuck over it already.” I blow out a breath, pushing the curls that have broken free from my bun out of my face. “We moved here for you, and you’re living your dreams, aren’t you? You’ve got the job you’ve always wanted, this big ass house we can barely afford, and your mom under our roof and all in our business; why should you be the only one who gets what they want, huh?”
A myriad of emotions plays across his features, chief among them anger, but I don’t care. He wanted this fight, so I’m going to give it to him.
“Why can’t I have my school?” I ask, my hand going to my chest before sweeping up to gesture at the ceiling. “Why can’t Ri have her dad, hmm? Have you even taken a second to look at her lately? To notice how much happier she is now that Hunter is around?” Tears crowd my vision as the image of Riley’s face the first time she met Hunter flashes in my mind. “It’s like a piece of her was missing, and now she’s whole. You say that you love her, so that should make you happy too, but all you’ve done since Hunter has been in the picture is sit around and bitch and moan about how it affects you.”
Now that all the anger is out, I find myself deflating, my shoulders sagging with exhaustion. I shake my head at Aaron, hating that I can’t see a hint of the man I fell in love with looking back at me. “I’m sorry this is hard for you, I truly am, but you’ve got to find a way to figure your shit out because Hunter isn’t going anywhere. He’s going to be a part of our lives for as long as Riley wants him to be.”
“Riley or you?” Aaron asks, stone-faced.
“Both,” I say, answering honestly because there’s no reason to lie. I want Hunter around. I like having him around. He’s a good man and an even better father, and when I’m not pushing him away, building up walls meant to protect Aaron’s ego, he’s a great friend.
With nothing more to say, I step around the open dishwasher and head for the stairs. Aaron doesn’t make a move to stop me, and for that much, I’m grateful. I head straight to my room, lock the door, and get undressed on my way to the bathroom, knowing that a hot, steamy shower will help settle my nerves.
It does.
Once I’m clean and moisturized, I curl up on my side of the bed and grab my phone off the nightstand where I left it charging before dinner. I have a missed call from Dee and a few texts from Jayla, but the notifications that get my attention are from Hunter. There are several texts and a phone call that came in about thirty minutes ago. I open our text thread first and smile at the pictures he’s sent along with message that says ‘which one?’
My heart squeezes, compressed by emotions I don’t fully understand. While I was downstairs arguing with Aaron, this man was at the store buying decorations for Riley’s room. I let out a laugh that’s part sob as I picture him, big and imposing in the aisles among all things pink, white, and frilly, excited about creating a space for our daughter in his home and needing a little bit of guidance from me. I feel bad about not being there for him, and as I dial his number, I lie and tell myself that I’m calling instead of texting, so I can give him a genuine apology for leaving him hanging, not because I’m hoping the gentle growl of his voice will soothe away the last of the tension in my body.
“Sunshine,” he says, picking up on the first ring. “You good?”
I bite my lip, forcing back the sudden rush of tears clogging my throat. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Hunter is quiet. His silence calls me a liar even though he won’t. “I’m sorry I missed your call earlier. What’d you end up choosing?”
“It’s okay. In the end, I didn’t make any choices because your daughter made them all for me. She told me she wanted the unicorn comforter, matching PJs, and instructed me on which snacks to buy for her and you.”
My brow furrows. “You talked to Ri?” She should have been asleep, not on the phone, helping Hunter prepare for our visit.
“Yeah, she called me.” Even though it’s a complete sentence, a fully formed thought, I get the sense that there’s something more Hunter wants to add.
Flipping over onto my back, I stare up at the ceiling, wondering if I want to know what he’s leaving out. “What aren’t you saying?”
Hunter clears his throat, obviously uncomfortable. “She called me because she couldn’t sleep. She said she could hear you and Aaron arguing, and she was worried that it was all her fault.”
All at once, my heart breaks into a thousand little pieces, and the pain is enough to set the tears I’ve been holding back free. I’ve never wanted to be the kind of parent who subjected their child to loud, angry arguments. Before we moved back to New Haven, Aaron and I never had them. We never argued at all, but now that’s all we ever seem to do. The thought that Riley feels responsible for it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
There’s a desperate whimper pushing its way out of my mouth, proceeding my question. “What did you tell her?”
My face is hot, flushed with embarrassment, even though there’s no judgment in Hunter’s voice when he responds. “I told her grown-up problems belong to grown-ups, and they’re never, ever the kid’s fault.”
When the dam inside me breaks, sending the tears I’ve been holding back out in hot, fat drops that roll down my cheeks and into my ears, I know it’s time to hang up.
“Thank you for reassuring her,” I shutter, hating how fucking broken I sound.
“Sunshine—” Hunter starts, his voice all gentle concern and comfort I can’t let myself have right now.
“Goodnight, Hunter.”
I end the call and toss the phone onto my nightstand before rolling out of bed and going to check on Riley. Her bedroom door is closed, so I push it open gently, hoping she’s not still up worrying about me. When I see her curled into a tight little ball in the middle of the bed, I breathe a sigh of relief and pull the door closed, returning to my own room to play an unhelpful game of what if.
What if I didn’t run?
What if Hunter hadn’t relapsed?
What if, what if, what if.