Chapter 3
Claire
I feel something knock against my face as I zone out while in the dining hall. When I look down, I notice a strawberry in my lap. How did that get there?
“Claire!” someone shouts in front of me and I’m knocked out of my daydream or whatever I was doing.When I look up, Sara and Jess are sitting across from me, their faces concerned.
“What was that for?” I ask them, utterly confused.
“We’ve been asking you questions for five minutes and you haven't answered a single one of them,” Jess tells me. “Are you doing okay? I know it’s been a rough start to the semester for you.”
Yeah…rough. My long time boyfriend broke up with me and now I spend every day looking back on the whole relationship and wondering what I did wrong.
The only thing I’ve found is that I captured a beautiful picture of what we had in my mind, only to find in the end that it wasn't even gallery worthy.
Every scenario I think of comes back to bite me in the ass.
Looking back now, all the good parts of our relationship were in my head.
I filled in the gaps of what I wanted us to be like, but turns out he never had the same vision that I did.
But yeah, I’m totally fine. Mostly I feel duped, sad, angry, and pissed.
I let him drag me along for so long, feeling unfulfilled but trying my best to keep us afloat, when he was giving me empty promises that would eventually lead to my broken heart.
Did I mention I was pissed?
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say as to not worry them.
“Claire, be for real right now…are you?” Sara asks me.
“Yes. I’m alright.”
“Then why haven't you talked to us about it yet? I’ve been waiting to tell you all the things I hated about him while you guys were dating. I even made a whole PowerPoint about it. It’s very cohesive.” That’s Jess for you in a nutshell.
Sara and I met her on the first day of freshman orientation.
The three of us stuck together like a bunch of lost puppies, and we’ve been friends ever since.
Jess has strawberry blonde hair, a bunch of freckles, and the prettiest hazel eyes I’ve ever seen.
She’s around the same height as me—5’6”—and her laugh is one of my favorite things about her.
Sara, on the other hand, has long jet-black hair and is a few inches taller than Jess and me.
Her brown eyes are almost as dark as her hair.
We are complete opposites. She dresses in dark or earth-toned colors, and I usually prefer pastels.
She always jokes that she’s the black cat in our friendship, and I’d agree with that assessment.
“Guys, I swear I’m okay. I’m getting through it and trying to move on, explaining why I haven't talked about it yet. I’m trying this new thing where I don't care. It’s quite helpful.” I smile to further show them just how alright I am, but based on their faces, they aren't buying my bullshit.
“Claire, this isn't healthy. It’s okay to be upset, but you have to talk about what you're feeling, or else it'll eat you alive.” Fuck. Jess is definitely right, but where would I even begin? Most of this is all my fault.
“She’s right, Claire. I don't want you to shove your feelings down like you always do. It’s time for you to get pissed and tell us how small his dick is or something,” Sara tells me.
“I am pissed. I just don't want to be—”
“Mean? Babes, he was the one to break your heart. You no longer have to protect your true feelings for fear of coming across as mean because he’s not here anymore.
So, it doesn't matter. If you’re pissed, then let me come over tonight and present my PowerPoint.
We can get drunk and angry in the comfort of your dorm where nobody but us can hear you call him whatever names you want to.
” Jess puts her hand over where mine rests on the table and I sigh heavily at them.
“Fine. I guess it’s time. It’s not like I want him to come crawling back and apologize, right?
” Am I convincing them or myself? I don't think that would be best, though. Our relationship was too…comfortable. It was too easy in the moment, but now that I’m away from it, I realize that I wasn't actually happy. I was just agreeable.
I never want to be like that again. I want to fall in love in the future and feel the butterflies and giddiness that comes with finding the right person, the person that fits with you, but also challenges you.
I thought I had that with Clay. Maybe I did in the start, but soon those butterflies in my stomach died.
All that was left was me chasing the feeling I once had that didn't stay.
On second thought, Clay crawling back to me while I get to break his heart when I say no doesn't sound so bad…
No. No. I shove that thought down because that is not who I am. I’m not petty like that. But maybe sometimes I need to be…
“Exactly. That’s the spirit, girl! I’ll grab some wine before I come over later, but make sure you have ice cream that we can eat too.” Jess smiles at me.
“We’re plenty stocked up. I bought like six cartons the day that motherfucker did what he did…
” Sara trails off as she thinks back to when we watched movies all night and ate ice cream.
It was the best. “I can't wait until you find someone a thousand times hotter than him, and who treats you how you deserve. That will be the ultimate fuck you to Clay.”
“Woah, Sar. I don't think I’m in the moving on stage quite yet,” I tell her.
“Yeah, way to jump like four steps, girl.” Jess smiles at her as Sara rolls her eyes.
I take a beat before I speak again, “Thank you, guys. For all the support and everything you've done to help me the past few weeks. I promise I’ll stop pretending like I’m fine, okay?”
“No need to thank us,” Jess says as she looks at Sara.
“You would do the same for us, babe,” Sara tells me.
“You guys are the best. I truly don't know what I’d—” I stop what I’m saying because I notice that neither of them is looking at me anymore, they’re looking through me, at whatever is behind me.
When I turn, I see part of the hockey team entering the dining hall.
There’s only one on our campus because Grand Mountain is small, so you're bound to see the whole school here at some point.
The good thing is that the food is decent.
The bad thing is that if you're trying to avoid someone, you can't. The campus is too small for that to be possible. Luckily, I haven't seen Clay at all. I’m afraid I’d take one look at him and punch him, which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
Lucky for me, I know most of the athletes at this school.
Since I photograph all the sports games here at Grand Mountain, I’ve become familiar with most of the players.
They all treat me pretty well, and I’m very passionate about photography.
What once was a hobby on weekends is now what I hope to do with the rest of my life.
I’m glad the athletic director let me work with the department so I could get some experience for the future.
I started photographing the teams last year, and I love doing it.
It’s just like it was in high school, only way more exciting.
High school sports are great, but there’s something about college sports that is much more riveting.
I lock eyes with one of the hockey players and a good friend of mine, Justin. He waves at me and comes over to where I sit.
“What’s up, Canes? How’s this semester treating you so far?” he asks me while looking at Jess and Sara, shooting them a wave before he leans down to hug me.
I laugh at him before answering. “It’s been interesting for sure.
How about you? How’s the team looking?” I ask as I sweep over the remaining players.
Some of them have separated from the group to talk to other people they know, and a few others have sat down at a huge table.
I recognize some of them, they're mostly sophomores, and I assume the others are new freshmen on the team. I haven't become too familiar with them yet, but when the games pick back up in a few weeks, I’m sure that’ll change.
“It’s been alright. You know how it is. Coach is still making the freshman and sophomores eat lunch together on practice days.
It’s a wonderfully awkward tradition, but it's tradition nonetheless,” Justin tells me.
He’s a good-looking guy. He’s around 5’11”, with brown hair that he usually pulls into a man bun.
He’s got a typical athletic build, and he plays left wing for Grand Mountain.
He’s pretty good, and I love watching him play.
“I’m glad. How’s that boyfriend of yours?” I ask him.
“Cute as hell even though he gets on my nerves sometimes.” He smiles.
Justin has been dating his boyfriend Miles for almost a year.
Miles and I often sit with each other at their games when I’m not photographing the team.
He’s a wonderful person to watch hockey with, even though he never knows what's going on, but he tries his best.
“I can't wait until your games start up again so I can reteach him everything he probably forgot over mid-semester break.”
“Does that mean you’re game this semester for team pictures?” I nod. “Fuck yes. That’s what’s up!” He high fives me, and I see another player approaching Justin from behind.
“Candy Canes! What’s up girl?” Grant Carter asks me, and I feign a laugh at that stupid nickname he gave me last semester.
I emailed him a few shots from a practice I photographed and he responded with that nickname and a thumbs-up emoji.
He’s a pretty funny guy. I don't know him that well—I only know of him—but he’s universally adored on campus, and he’s not a douche, so that’s a win I’d say.
He’s got a nice face too, but he’s not my type.
I’m not even sure what my type is anymore. Maybe I don't have one? I have no clue.
“Not much, Carter. How’s the semester?” I ask and his face falls. Oh shit. It’s only been two weeks. How bad could he be doing already? At least someone else is having a shitty semester so early in.
“It could be better, but it can only go up from here.” He smiles. “Hopefully.”
The three of us talk for a few more minutes before Justin excuses himself to go meet Miles at their table. Another player comes up next to Grant and starts to say something quietly to him, but Grant cuts him off with a huge smile on his face.
“Jacks, you must remember Claire. She was the one who photographed you falling on your face at practice last year. Thanks for emailing me that by the way,” Grant winks at me and I awkwardly laugh.
When I look over at Jacks, he looks super uncomfortable, like he can't speak. I remember taking that picture and talking to these two after practice. It was nice. I think we might be in some of the same classes this semester, including the genetics lecture I decided to take as an elective. It has nothing to do with my major—photography with a minor in communication—but I’ve always found biology to be easy, so it’s a win-win.
Jacks is cute, but in a shy way. He’s got sandy blond hair, is slightly taller than Grant, and is skinny but muscular.
His eyes are hazel, and his hair falls just the right way.
I’ve seen him play, and if you told me that was the same person that I saw on the ice standing in front of me right now, I would think you're lying.
“Yeah, hi. Nice to see you again,” he says, avoiding eye contact.
“Sorry for sending Grant that photo, I’m sure he probably made it a meme or something.” I awkwardly laugh.
“Grant made an animated GIF, actually. It was my fault for falling, your phenomenal photography skills were just lucky to capture it.” Jacks tells me.
Phenomenal? “Well, thanks. Grant any chance you could send me that GIF? I’d love to see it.” When I look over at him, he’s smiling from ear to ear.
“Oh, of course. I’ll email it to you.” A few seconds of silence pass before Jacks breaks the tension.
“Grant, we should probably…” He trails off, motioning toward their table.
“Oh, right. Well, it was nice to see you again, Claire. I’m sure we’ll be seeing you at some games soon.”
“You bet. Good to see you guys.” I throw a small wave at them as they leave, and when I turn back to my friends, they look starstruck. “What?”
“I didn't know you were that close with Grant motherfucking Carter! Why haven't you mentioned this before?”
“Jess, we aren't that close. That was maybe the third time I’ve talked to him in person, and why does your face look like that?”
“He’s hot. Like, given the chance I would climb him hot.” Jess fans herself as she says that.
“Gross,” Sara says.
“Jess, I’m not setting you up, so don't even ask me. I barely know him, and unlike most jocks at this school, he’s an actual good guy.
He doesn't seem like the type to go for a one-night stand.
Don't make me pour a glass of cold water on you in the middle of the dining hall,” I threaten and she waves a napkin like a white flag.
“Fine. But can I at least come watch the games with you this semester? I’m not able to touch, but a girl can still look…” Sara rolls her eyes at Jess again, and I laugh as the three of us continue to eat lunch together before class.
I might’ve lost someone I thought I was going to love forever, but these two have shown me that sometimes it’s not about what you’ve been through.
It’s about how you move on and continue to laugh despite it all that defines you the most. I might feel like I’m waiting to fall apart right now, but I know these two will carefully patch the pieces back up when I need them to, and I’ll let them.