Chapter 11 Jacks #2
“What did you mean earlier when you said you feel more confident on the ice than you do in real life? I don't mean to press, but you seem so put together all the time.” It’s hard to imagine Jacks like that. Sure, he’s pretty shy, but I would never describe him as nervous or unsure of himself.
“I didn't mean it like that, I just…I don't know. I’ve never had a relationship like you and Clay did. I’ve never felt the feeling of being in love with someone, and I guess I just feel like I’ve missed out on this huge thing, and part of me is scared that I’m never going to feel what it’s like—to love someone and have them love me back the same amount.
I’ve had small relationships, one to three months, but I never felt anything during those.
Not the butterflies, not the silence that comes with feeling in love with someone feels like, and not the crazy urge to lose my mind over the thought of losing the person that I love. ”
Wow. Now that he describes it like that, I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt it either.
Clay was my first boyfriend, and even being a senior in high school, I felt like I was always behind my friends in the dating department.
When I finally got with Clay, it just felt right.
It was easy. But when I lost him, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it did.
I didn't even cry until a few days later, but that might’ve just been me missing the feeling of having a person by my side, of knowing that he was there.
Was I even in love with him? Every time I look back over the past three years, I come up with more questions that I can't answer. I don't know. I don't know if I ever really loved him, or if his love was just convenient for both of us.
“That was beautiful.”
“Thanks,” he smiles at me. A real one.
I’m about to respond when I hear a familiar laugh from across the restaurant.
No. There’s no way he’s here right now. But when I turn my head to look around, I spot him almost immediately.
I sigh heavily as I turn back to Jacks and find him following where my stare just was.
When he spots Clay with his new girlfriend a few tables over, I see him visibly tense as he sits across from me.
I can't tell if he’s annoyed that we seem to keep running into him, or just pissed off that he’s breathing the same air as my shitty ex that he doesn't like.
“Do you wanna leave? We can go somewhere else,” he asks me that while caressing his thumb over my hand.
“No. It’s okay.” I’m not going to let Clay ruin another night. He doesn't get to do that.
“Are you sure? We can always go spray paint his car, or slash his tires…”
“I’m positive. Ignore him, it’s just us,” I say as I laugh at what he said and squeeze his hand in mine.
A few minutes and some light conversation later, our food comes and we eat.
This place actually has really good stuff.
Maybe Jacks and I can come here again and try something different next time.
Clay doesn't come over to us. I doubt he even knows or cares that we’re here, and the rest of the night is actually pretty wonderful.
I’ve laughed a lot tonight, and I find myself feeling really carefree with Jacks.
Normally when Clay and I went on dates, I was too hyperfocused on how I was acting to be able to enjoy it.
God forbid I embarrass Clay in public, but with Jacks, I don't really care. I laugh as loud as I want, I smile, and I’m not as worried when I’m with him.
It feels good to let loose and just exist for once.
I like it. When the check comes, Jacks tries to grab it before she even sets it down, but he’s too slow.
“Claire,” he says my name and I feel goosebumps spread all over my body.
I hold his stare. “Jacks.”
“I asked you out, therefore I’m paying.”
“Consider this a thank you for all you’re doing to help me,” I say, hoping that he’ll drop it.
“It’s the right thing to do, especially when you ask a beautiful girl out to dinner.” He’s still drilling his gaze into mine.
“Jacks, please just let me.”
He’s quiet for a few seconds. “No.” And then he grabs the check from me while I’m caught off guard, and slips his card into it.
“That’s unfair.”
“Don't fight me on this, gorgeous.” He runs a hand through his hair. “You’re not going to win.”
“Fine,” I say as Cassie comes to pick up the check from us. I look out the window and notice that it’s started to rain. I’m not worried about my outfit or anything, but it’s dark out, and I normally hate driving in the rain. “I didn't know it was forecasted to rain tonight.”
Jacks turns his head and looks out the window. “Me neither. We’ll be okay. I can always pull the car up.”
“But then you’ll get wet.”
“So?”
“If you're getting wet, then I am too. It’s only fair.” Jacks laughs when I say that, and I immediately regret speaking when I hear it out loud. “Oh, come on. You know what I meant.”
He continues to laugh as I shove my card back into my purse, and I feel him come over and pull my chair out for me. The two of us exit the restaurant and stand in the entry way.
“Do you want to run, walk, or just say fuck it and dance?” he asks me as I feel some raindrops fall onto my face.
Dance? “What the hell are you talking about? You want to dance? Right now?” He’s got to be joking, right? There’s no way he’s being serious.
“Unless you don't want to…” He trails off while running a hand through his hair. I find myself not wanting to say no to him right now.
“Fuck it. Why not?”
As soon as I say that, he grabs my hand and pulls us into the rain together.
He pulls me into his chest before he swings us around.
I can almost hear song lyrics in my head as this spontaneous dance in the rain occurs.
We separate for a few seconds and dance by ourselves.
This feels good. I feel good. This moment of spontaneity has solidified itself in the spot of one of my all-time favorite moments.
It feels good to let go and let the rain wash all my worries out of me, even if for just a few seconds.
I’ve always loved that about the rain. The world always feels brand new after rain falls and the clouds go away.
Jacks twirls around in the rain as he saunters back over to me.
I’m standing in the same spot because I’m too captivated in this moment to be able to move my feet.
He grabs my hands from where they hang at my sides and immediately starts to swing me around in his arms. I can feel the rain falling onto my face, and it feels good.
Refreshing almost. The two of us are smiling and laughing our asses off as we dance in the rain like nobody's watching. Droplets drip from the ends of Jacks’ hair, and he runs his hand through it as if that will fix it.
It’s a mess, but seeing the smile on his face is worth it all.
I spin away from him and lift my arms out, feeling the rain on my skin while it drips down my face.
I’m drenched, but I’ve never had this much fun before.
When I lock eyes with Jacks, he holds his hand out, and I walk over and give mine to him.
He immediately pulls me into him and I look into his hazel eyes, droplets falling from his hair, smile on his face, and I suddenly want him to kiss me.
Woah. Where did that come from? The two of us stand like statues in the parking lot, neither of us wanting to break this moment apart. I find myself dragging my hand through his hair, and his head leans back when I do that. Fuck. Why was that so hot?
“Claire…” he starts to say, until someone comes and shoves us apart. Jacks falls back to the pavement and when I try to rush over and help him off the ground, an arm stops me.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Clay yells at me through the rain.
Oh fuck no. “That’s none of your goddamn business, Clay!” I look around and see Evangeline standing underneath the restaurant, staying dry while letting Clay do whatever the hell he’s doing right now.
“It is my business. We broke up weeks ago, and you’re already whoring it up on campus with a fucking hockey player? I thought you were better than that, but I guess I dodged a bullet when I broke up with you.”
“I could say the same for you. Unless Evangeline is just another girl you're going to ‘fall out of love’ with after three years. She deserves better than you. I deserved better than you, and I found it. Leave me the fuck alone.” God, this feels good—yelling at him in the rain.
Clay smiles at me. “I have no regrets about the past few months.”
I can't say that doesn't sting, especially since I gave so much of myself to him only for him to turn around, use me, and then break my heart.
“You saying that is such bullshit! Why would you be out here breaking up my date if you supposedly have no regrets? Lying doesn't look good on you, Clay. I think you just want things that you can't have. Is that what happened with us? Is that what’s going to happen when someone else piques your interest over her? You’re the one stuck in a never-ending cycle of bullshit, and when I move on without you, you get pissed.” I pause, silently applauding myself for finding my voice.
“Fuck off, and leave me alone. You don't dictate my life anymore. I do.”
I go over to where Jacks is sitting on the pavement and hold my hand out to him. He smiles, takes my hand, and stands up.
“Some guy to have by your side if he can't even stand up for you. I bet he’ll just take what he wants from you, and then drop you like all those hockey players do.”
Jacks just stands next to me, laughing and shaking his head. “If you knew Claire, you would know she doesn't need me to speak for her.”
“Oh yeah, I know Claire real well, pretty boy. I know just how tight her—” Clay isn't able to get the rest of those words out because before I know it, Jacks raises his fist and punches him square in the jaw.
Jacks stands there shaking his hand off and wincing in pain. Has he ever done that before? “Don't fucking talk about my girlfriend like that.”
My girlfriend. God, why did that sound so good coming from his mouth? Jacks grabs my hand, opens my car door for me, and before I know it, we’re speeding off into the night like we’re in a getaway car or something. A few minutes of silence later, I look over at him driving with a smirk on his face.
Then we burst out laughing. Like fully belly laughing.
We don't make small talk as we drive back to campus, but when he finally gets back to the lot, neither of us moves to get out of the car.
I take in the state of us. Jacks and I are soaking wet, our clothes ruined.
His knuckles have bruises forming on them, and I see a few scrapes on his elbows from when Clay pushed him.
God, what a fucking asshole. How did I not see it before?
How was I so blind to the fact that Clay is clearly not a good person?
I feel some adrenaline running through my body from the past few hours. Tonight was crazy. Not only did I have a great time on our date, but Jacks and I danced in the rain. I wanted to kiss him. And then all the stuff with Clay…it’s been a weird night.
But why do I find myself wishing it wasn't over? That was the most fun I’ve ever had with someone. I’m the first one to break the silence. “Is your hand okay?”
I can see his jaw clench from here as he tries to play it cool. “It’s fine.”
“Jacks. Let me see it.”
He looks over at me before gently moving his hand to sit in mine. I brush my other hand softly over his knuckles. He winces a bit, but I don't think he broke anything. “You need an icepack.”
“Claire, I’ll be fine.”
“Jacks Moore, you're a hockey player and you need to use your hand. Promise me that you’ll ice it tonight.” He just laughs. “What?”
“Even when you’re yelling at me and using my full name, you still look adorable,” he smiles at me. “Are you cold?”
“A little. I’ll be good in a few if you turn the heat on full blast,” I say to him. As I click one of the vents open, I feel something against my arm. When I look over, Jacks is holding onto one of his hoodies.
“Put it on, Claire.”
“Jacks, no, I’m fi—”
“You’re shaking. Please. Just wear it,” he says, shoving the hoodie into my lap.
“Seriously, I’m okay. We’re not far from campus.” I expect him to argue with me, but instead he grabs the hoodie, yanks it over my head, and practically forces me to wear it. I shove my arms through the sleeves and my body starts to warm up. “Thanks.”
“I’ve got to keep my girl warm. I don't want you getting hypothermia. I wouldn't be a good fake boyfriend if I let that happen.”
Here come the fucking butterflies again. I don't know if it’s the adrenaline from tonight, or the fact that he stood up for me earlier, but I find myself wanting to kiss him again.
So, I do.
I lean over the center console and press my lips to his. He’s shocked for a moment, but then he finally kisses me back with the same ferocity that I am.
And holy fuck, can he kiss. His right hand comes around and cups my neck, and I feel him wince when he does that. “We should stop,” I mumble into his mouth.
“Yeah, you’re right. We should.” But neither of us does. Jacks keeps kissing me and I keep letting him, even though we’re breaking one of the rules we set up at the beginning of this.
Cheek kisses only. But I don't want him to stop. I don't want to stop kissing him. Fuck.
“Jacks,” I breathe against his mouth.
“God, Claire, don't say my name like that right now.”
“We’re breaking our rules,” I say while still kissing him.
Jacks slips his tongue into my mouth, and I let him. He grabs me and pulls me on top of him, while simultaneously moving his seat back to make room for both of us. Fuck, that was hot. “Gorgeous, I’d break all the rules just to keep kissing you.”
“Then don't stop.”
“Whatever you say.” And then his mouth is on mine again, and I can't think straight. My body is on fire as he cups my face, runs his hands down my back, and grips the back of my neck so he has better access.
“Is this okay?” I nod at him. “I need the words, Claire.”
“It’s more than okay.”
When we finally pull apart half an hour later and go our separate ways for the night, I find myself questioning if this relationship is really as fake as I thought it was.